My Name is Nobody
Banned
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iqqi said:
Hey iqqi I'm on a roll what state are you in?
"Why Women Dump the Guys Who Try the Hardest"
You paid for dinner. You drove. You said "whatever you want is fine" every single time. All the effort, no expectations.
And she left anyway — probably for a guy who makes her pick up the pizza.
Painful. Also predictable. Her mind quietly concludes that anything requiring zero effort from her is worth exactly zero. You became a free sample, and free samples get taken for granted.
The 22 Rules flip the dynamic. Small shifts that get her investing effort, money, and time in you — until SHE'S the one afraid of losing YOU.
"Romantic Rivalry" ??
- Thread starter iqqi
- Start date
Hey iqqi I'm on a roll what state are you in?
"I just moved here from Florida."
That sentence contains at least five follow-up questions she WANTS you to ask. Where in Florida? What brought you here? How long have you been in the area? What do you miss? How does it compare to here?
She handed them to you on a silver platter. And you said, "Oh cool. I come here every week. I love this band. Ummm... pretty crowded tonight."
She smiled politely. Nodded. And never texted you back.
I was that guy for years. Talking too much. Listening too little. Panicking about my next sentence while she was literally feeding me the answers.
Then I found 22 rules that fixed the whole thing. Rule number one: shut up and listen. She'll tell you exactly what to say.
iqqi
Master Don Juan
Doesn't everyone know now? Lol.
This thread has become a flirt love/hate fest. Sigh. The first 9 pages were on point though! A first for an iqqi field report!
This thread has become a flirt love/hate fest. Sigh. The first 9 pages were on point though! A first for an iqqi field report!
My Name is Nobody
Banned
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2007
- Messages
- 2,153
- Reaction score
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I have no idea I didn't read the whole thing, just the interesting parts.iqqi said:
Well, back on topic then:iqqi said:
As far as your "friend" goes, NEXT her... She basically "regressed to the mean" IMO...she showed her true colors. I know, I'm looking at this through a man's eyes, but I, & my (very few) true friends, adhere to the "bros before ho's" rule. If she were perceptive at all, and is truly your friend, she would not have given her # to Crush, nor presumably made herself "available" in that manner. True, it's possbile HE made it all happen, but for the sake of addressing your concern about the girlfriend, I'm assuming it was her....even if iwas him, she should've adhered to the rule. My .02
I actually created a freakin' account to respond to this one.
Iqqi, this woman isn't your friend. She may act friendly toward you, but she isn't your friend. Friends don't steal friends' secret crushes, and they definitely don't talk/brag about it afterward. Looking guilty and apologizing doesn't excuse her.
A friend would have talked you up to your crush, given him a reason to look at you while feeling good, told him your drunken guy friend was an idiot and you were just being polite. If he had indeed hit on her, a friend would have warned you, and pitched his number in front of you.
A good woman friend will have your back for decades. A snake, however, is still a snake, no matter how pretty it looks or how quietly it happens to be sitting at the moment. This woman has either no conscience or no boundaries. Whether she means to be or not, she's a snake.
Just because someone is nice to you doesn't mean they're your friend, or that they have your best interests at heart. It just means they have the capacity to act nice for a while.
Iqqi, this woman isn't your friend. She may act friendly toward you, but she isn't your friend. Friends don't steal friends' secret crushes, and they definitely don't talk/brag about it afterward. Looking guilty and apologizing doesn't excuse her.
A friend would have talked you up to your crush, given him a reason to look at you while feeling good, told him your drunken guy friend was an idiot and you were just being polite. If he had indeed hit on her, a friend would have warned you, and pitched his number in front of you.
A good woman friend will have your back for decades. A snake, however, is still a snake, no matter how pretty it looks or how quietly it happens to be sitting at the moment. This woman has either no conscience or no boundaries. Whether she means to be or not, she's a snake.
Just because someone is nice to you doesn't mean they're your friend, or that they have your best interests at heart. It just means they have the capacity to act nice for a while.
"She Liked You in March. It's October Now."
Attraction runs on a clock.
She flirted for weeks. Touched your arm. Found reasons to be alone with you. And you were careful. Respectful. Waiting for the right moment.
The moment had a shelf life. It expired around month two, and by the time you asked her out, she'd quietly filed you under "little brother."
One of the hardest lessons inside the 22 Rules: women rarely wait. Interest either grows or it decays, and nothing decays it faster than a man who never moves.
Make the move while she's still inventing reasons to be near you.
penkitten
Master Don Juan
rosemarie,
that was a wonderful post.
that was a wonderful post.
iqqi
Master Don Juan
This is exactly what I am used to from my girl friends.Rosemarie said:
Thanks Rosemarie, for creating an account just to chip in and help out with your perspective! I appreciate it.
I went from being mad and confused at her, to being really upset all day, to feeling like I was being a paranoid drama queen (thanks FINGZ), to realizing that something IS wrong with that picture.
I will be watching this one.
She DOES DOES DOES have good even great qualities, and I am going to see if she can grow up and be a good girl friend. I will definately be on to her though.
My bet is that she did a lot of that because she was drunk, she isn't used to having good girl friends so she doesn't know how to big a chick up, and she DID feel awful when it was said and done.
And that she will be super paranoid in the following weeks around men I am interested in, lol.
BUT don't worry too much about me. I will not sleep blindly with this one.
iqqi said:
^^Again Cap'n-save-a-ho right here. Who would take advice from you iqqi when you run your own affairs so shodedly? Between your girl friend you associate and the dufus guys you pick out, you seem like an AFC.
That was a great post Rosemarie, I agree with you.
iqqi
Master Don Juan
Not everyone is perfect, Keto. A lot of women never meet another female that is honest and loyal to know that there are true females out there. Many women operate from an "all's fair in love and war" and "I am my only friend" approach.ketostix said:
I'm not going to judge and condemn her from one mistake, when she has done so much other things to prove herself as someone better than that. I have marked this moment in my mind, and I will be watching her. I am not so insecure as to think that I will be doomed if I keep her around.
As far as the "dufus" guys I pick out, noone said meeting men was easy. You go through a lot of rocks before you find a diamond. Isn't it the same with men trying to find a woman? Dating is NO JOKE, this sh!t is ROUGH out here.
Interceptor
Master Don Juan
Well, ladies let's not get Iqqi in a paranoid frenzy here.
We have kind of concluded that Iq's friend really isn't of the greatest character.
But we are hoping that some of Iqqiness' lady like will rub off on "crush stealer".
let's not go into the drama rama, ladies.
She messed up , she did break 'The Code".
but no witch hunts, please.
This girl cannot hurt you.
Unless you are acting with Ego.
She can only get at you through your Ego, Iq.
Same goes for everyone here.
Our weakest point, our Insecurity is all connected to our Ego, and the Self image of the Ego is our Prde.
Be careful with those things.
Just sayin'
BTW , welcome aboard, Rosemarie.
Hope you have body armor on.
May I recommend the "Interceptor" style vest?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interceptor_body_armor
Get ready, Rosey , it can be a tough crowd in here sometmies.
We have kind of concluded that Iq's friend really isn't of the greatest character.
But we are hoping that some of Iqqiness' lady like will rub off on "crush stealer".
let's not go into the drama rama, ladies.
She messed up , she did break 'The Code".
but no witch hunts, please.
This girl cannot hurt you.
Unless you are acting with Ego.
She can only get at you through your Ego, Iq.
Same goes for everyone here.
Our weakest point, our Insecurity is all connected to our Ego, and the Self image of the Ego is our Prde.
Be careful with those things.
Just sayin'
BTW , welcome aboard, Rosemarie.
Hope you have body armor on.
May I recommend the "Interceptor" style vest?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interceptor_body_armor
Get ready, Rosey , it can be a tough crowd in here sometmies.
"How I Made Sure No Woman Ever Friend-Zoned Me Again"
She calls you when her car breaks down. When she needs help moving. When some guy she's actually dating treats her badly.
You're the listener. The reliable one. The guy who would treat her so much better, if she'd just open her eyes.
She won't. You trained her to see you as the low-effort option — the friend who requires zero risk and zero investment. Every favor dug the hole deeper.
The "22 Rules" break the pattern. You'll stop auditioning for a role she already cast and become the man she chases instead. It starts with Rule 1.
I know it gets tough! Why do you think I don't bother posting. I'm not into internet suicide.Interceptor said:
However, I'm about to take it on the chin, I think, because I'm going to disagree with you here. Witchhunts, as you say, are entirely appropriate. Iqqi will take more losses than gains if she hangs onto this friendship.
It's a sunk cost problem applied to relationships. The energy you've invested before you find out about your new friend's fangs is the sunk cost. It can't be recovered.
The problem comes in when you try to figure out how to recoup that cost, or at least how to not have wasted your investment. The idea is loss aversion, and people fall into it all the time. They continue to throw additional money or energy into something that has a sunk cost, even though they will lose less in the long run if they walk away.
Two psychological tendencies play a part in sunk cost considerations. One is an overly optimistic probability bias, wherein people who have made a commitment to a course of action overestimate their chances of success: "But she's my right hand man and/therefore has so many good qualities".
The other is a requisite of personal responsibility: "But I/Iqqi can change her!"
Iqqi herself has said that this woman has done this more than once, and frankly, her salvation isn't Iqqi's responsibility. You can't change people. You can set a good example, but hanging out with a woman who steals crushes isn't a good example.
Most importantly, there comes a time in everyone's life when they need to be able to trust their friends. Iqqi knows this woman cannot be trusted. Why keep her as a friend?
Thanks for the armor, Interceptor! I'll probably need it.
Anyway, I disagree about whether this woman can injure Iqqi. She can, and pretty severely, too. Here's why.
Everyone has times when they must have people around them they can rely on, and for the most part, when those times hit, we look to our friends or significant other. This isn't a bad thing. The problem comes in when we value our relationships primarily on the amount of cost sunk into them.
A sunk cost is an investment that cannot be recovered. In Iqqi's case, her sunk cost is the amount of time she's spend hanging around with Snake Woman, but what you guys call "oneitis" is also a sunk cost. Time and energy spent mooning about some woman who doesn't even know you exist is a sunk cost. You can't get it back.
People are extremely reluctant to walk away from a sunk cost. We hate wasted effort, and when we're faced with it, two ways of thinking kick in. The first is an overoptimistic probability bias. This is a tendency to be unrealistically optimistic about the outcome of things we've already invested in, and the more we invest, the more optimistic we get. "I spent hours planning our first date! It has to work out." Nope. Sunk cost.
The second is the requisite of personal responsibility, in which we attempt to make good our mistakes, which in this case might just boil down to a reluctance to admit that we're wrong. "But we've gone out for so long! I'm sure I can change this one little thing about her." Nope. Sunk cost.
What's the difference between a sunk cost and an investment? Sometimes we don't know until the dust settles. We can't avoid sunk costs. What we can do is reduce the loss involved, which is only possible if we're willing to admit we screwed up and keep those two psychological tendencies in mind.
When someone does something repeatedly, assume that that's just what they do and decide whether or no you want to tolerate it. Sometimes it's harmless. Everyone has their quirks, but for things like flirting with other people's crushes, or a boyfriend's friends, any investment in that person must, from that point on, be considered a sunk cost. Throwing more time, money or effort at the problem will increase that sunk cost.
Let it go, because if someone does something consistently when everything is fine, guess what the odds are of them changing their behavior when the chips are down? Right. It's likely to get even worse. So guess what they're going to do when you need them most?
Let you down. It doesn't matter how much effort you've put into them, they will let you down. The sad thing is that almost anything else you might have done short of self-mutilation would have been a better use of the time.
People need to be taken as a whole. You can't just pick out one or two parts you like and figure you can work on the rest. That's a simultaneous application of optimistic probability bias and requisite of personal responsibility, and it's a waste of time.
Anyway, I disagree about whether this woman can injure Iqqi. She can, and pretty severely, too. Here's why.
Everyone has times when they must have people around them they can rely on, and for the most part, when those times hit, we look to our friends or significant other. This isn't a bad thing. The problem comes in when we value our relationships primarily on the amount of cost sunk into them.
A sunk cost is an investment that cannot be recovered. In Iqqi's case, her sunk cost is the amount of time she's spend hanging around with Snake Woman, but what you guys call "oneitis" is also a sunk cost. Time and energy spent mooning about some woman who doesn't even know you exist is a sunk cost. You can't get it back.
People are extremely reluctant to walk away from a sunk cost. We hate wasted effort, and when we're faced with it, two ways of thinking kick in. The first is an overoptimistic probability bias. This is a tendency to be unrealistically optimistic about the outcome of things we've already invested in, and the more we invest, the more optimistic we get. "I spent hours planning our first date! It has to work out." Nope. Sunk cost.
The second is the requisite of personal responsibility, in which we attempt to make good our mistakes, which in this case might just boil down to a reluctance to admit that we're wrong. "But we've gone out for so long! I'm sure I can change this one little thing about her." Nope. Sunk cost.
What's the difference between a sunk cost and an investment? Sometimes we don't know until the dust settles. We can't avoid sunk costs. What we can do is reduce the loss involved, which is only possible if we're willing to admit we screwed up and keep those two psychological tendencies in mind.
When someone does something repeatedly, assume that that's just what they do and decide whether or no you want to tolerate it. Sometimes it's harmless. Everyone has their quirks, but for things like flirting with other people's crushes, or a boyfriend's friends, any investment in that person must, from that point on, be considered a sunk cost. Throwing more time, money or effort at the problem will increase that sunk cost.
Let it go, because if someone does something consistently when everything is fine, guess what the odds are of them changing their behavior when the chips are down? Right. It's likely to get even worse. So guess what they're going to do when you need them most?
Let you down. It doesn't matter how much effort you've put into them, they will let you down. The sad thing is that almost anything else you might have done short of self-mutilation would have been a better use of the time.
People need to be taken as a whole. You can't just pick out one or two parts you like and figure you can work on the rest. That's a simultaneous application of optimistic probability bias and requisite of personal responsibility, and it's a waste of time.
iqqi
Master Don Juan
Very well written, Rosemarie, and very interesting things to think about.
There is a small event coming up soon where my myspace crush will be, and I have to admit, I don't think I will be bringing her to THAT, lol.
I guess I tend to be a little more optimistic about people, where you say people need to be taken as a whole, I say people can grow. Especially young people.Rosemarie said:
There is a small event coming up soon where my myspace crush will be, and I have to admit, I don't think I will be bringing her to THAT, lol.
iqqi
Master Don Juan
GOSH you guys take things too seriously!!! He isn't REALLY some myspace crush. However I DO stalk him on myspace (guess what! I'm not really being very serious about that statement either!). I use the word crush in a sarcastic way, crush means someone I am really interested in, but from afar.Latinoman said:
Why would iqqi like someone from afar? Many, many reasons. For one, I am not ready to get back into anything serious, and if I meet someone that I could see myself being very serious with, I might just sit back for awhile, but keep my eye on them.
I don't really care if you think I am that hot. I am sure there are people who would agree with you. There is no way I am a 10, thats for sure, I am too short!
Once you start throwing things in like "I bet iqqi is ugly and her friend is gorgeous", you start throwing non-issues in, because for one it isn't true, and for two pure speculation is silly.
If you can't go off of what I said, then you are just speculating and making issues out of nothing, and you are no longer contributing anything to the thread.
"She Laughed All Night. Then She Ghosted You. Here's Why."
Dinner ran three hours. She laughed at everything. You walked her to her car thinking this one's locked in.
Then: nothing. Two texts. No reply. What happened?
You did what most men do on a great date. You filled every silence, answered every question, and left her with nothing to wonder about. No mystery. Nothing to sit with when she got home.
Rule 3 of the "22 Rules" changes the ending: tell her a little, hold back the rest, and let her imagination do the chasing. The ghosting stops too.
You have this crush guys myspace? Then what's the issue? You could get into contact again and set up a date off of there. I should've known you were wasting out time in this thread just like you waste time over this crush guy. Also you can't blame people for speculating when they haven't seen you or your friend.iqqi said:
iqqi
Master Don Juan
No you fvcker! I am talking about a different person. Yes, I have multiple interests in different people. If anyone must know, I have THREE crushes that I can think of off the top of my head.ketostix said:
iqqi said:
We are mature men...no kids. You troll around in here (the Mature Forum of all places) and expect everybody to do the same. We come here to either ask for advice or give advice. So, yes...we take things serious.
There is NO doubt in my mind you are probably "relatively attractive" and your friend is HOT. There is no doubt in my mind about that. You don't have to show me your picture...simply give your measurements...high....and weight.
Now....there is NOTHING wrong with that. But it put things into perspective and it allow us to provide you with different strategies. The fact that she is in her early 20s and you in your lates...is already putting you in a disadvantage when competing for the attention of "men" in their 20s.
This reminds me of this guy I used to hang out with when I was in my early 20s. He had crushes on SEVERAL women. And all those women were hot. And he expected ME to not pay attention to ANY of those women.iqqi said:
Listen, you cannot "claim" every single man you find hot and have a crush on it. It is unfair to HIM and unfair to whoever woman he likes (especially if she happes to like you).
"She Made Her Decision Before You Finished Your Sentence"
Three seconds. That's how long it took. Your shoes. Your posture. The way you held your drink. Whether you looked at the floor or looked at her.
She already filed you away. Interesting. Boring. Safe. Bold. Before you even opened your mouth.
Everything you say after that is just her confirming what she already decided.
So stop rehearsing lines. Fix the first three seconds. Stand tall. Look up. Smile like you mean it. Walk like you belong wherever you're standing.
The words come later. The impression comes first.