Romance without the Sludge?

[governor]

What I mean is:

How can one go about being romantic without using what is generally regarded as, "romantic?" Flowers, chocolates, etc. I personally think, given the right frame, flowers and all that can be romantic, but I’m looking for more day-to-day type stuff. Stuff that you can do on a more regular basis that shows, “I’m into you,” without a) saying it or b) being too intense as to be weird.

Thoughts?

G.

 

[SandHawk]

Chivalry. Open doors, pull out her chair when you go out, washing her hair when taking a shower. That sort of thing. However, only do it as a 'gift' to her when she is behaving, or showed good behavior. And never ever do it when she EXPECTS you to do it.

I always open doors for girls, until they expect me to open the door for them(I've had a few girls end up waiting at the door for me to open it for them), and then I just open the door, walk through and slam it in their face. Chivalry is a gift, not a must.

 

[Ease]

Dont show her you like her. Why do you want to do that?

Show her you like her so she can have the power, and not treat you as good?

Girlfriends are at their best when they are trying to win you. Why would you ever let her know she has you, so she can stop chasing?

 

[KingofHearts]

What I mean is:

How can one go about being romantic without using what is generally regarded as, "romantic?" Flowers, chocolates, etc. I personally think, given the right frame, flowers and all that can be romantic, but I’m looking for more day-to-day type stuff. Stuff that you can do on a more regular basis that shows, “I’m into you,” without a) saying it or b) being too intense as to be weird.

Thoughts?

G.

You show this by not cheating on her.

 

[Captain]

Dont show her you like her. Why do you want to do that?

Show her you like her so she can have the power, and not treat you as good?

Girlfriends are at their best when they are trying to win you. Why would you ever let her know she has you, so she can stop chasing?

I'll have to call this out. Nothing wrong with showing you like her, it's all about the BALANCE of power. As long as you have more power (and less neediness and so forth) you're good.

 

[governor]

I'll have to call this out. Nothing wrong with showing you like her, it's all about the BALANCE of power. As long as you have more power (and less neediness and so forth) you're good.

I agree. I believe you can go to both extremes. On the one hand there is showing you like her too much, being too needy, etc. On the other hand of course, is refusing to ever show you like a girl. Both are ridiculous in my mind. Showing a girl you like her is fine, so long as you are coming from the right frame. Again, IMHO.

In my case, I am the one with more power. That being the case, what are some ways I can show her I like her, without resorting to, "girls like flowers, I'll get her some"? Again, I am really talking about the simple stuff. Not looking for date ideas, or anything big here...

G.

 

[KingofHearts]

I agree. I believe you can go to both extremes. On the one hand there is showing you like her too much, being too needy, etc. On the other hand of course, is refusing to ever show you like a girl. Both are ridiculous in my mind. Showing a girl you like her is fine, so long as you are coming from the right frame. Again, IMHO.

In my case, I am the one with more power. That being the case, what are some ways I can show her I like her, without resorting to, "girls like flowers, I'll get her some"? Again, I am really talking about the simple stuff. Not looking for date ideas, or anything big here...

G.

Problem here is, you don't really have a problem. You're gonna get a loveshack type answer (for your chick type of question), but have you even asked her? You're gonna get generic answers here from people because you haven't given any details to go off of. And you're lack of details makes me think there's more to this story. You want to show her that you like her, yet you want to do "everyday" things to show your interest. Ask any guy here, unless you're deep into an LTR, you should not be seeing your girl everyday. Even then you're suppose to "give her the gift of missing you".

In my experience I've had girls ask me similar questions. Basically finding out what else they can do to please me. And its a huge indicator to me that I'm doing enough for them to even inspire such a question.

Don't take this as an insult if I'm reading you wrong, but it just sounds like you're asking an AFC question that is cleverly wrapped with "in my case i have the power".

How long have you known this chick? How old are both of you? Is she your gf? Plate? Living together? And if you're so deep into a relationship how do you know so little about your girl that you don't know how to communicate this to her?

The longer you get to know a girl, the more personalized your affection and IOI's become. If she loves your hair a certain way, then you comb it that way occasionally . If she bought some clothes for you, wear them to show you appreciate her gift. This is a great way to non-verbally communicate and do something she is gonna like. Plus, if you're doing these types of things, then she damn well better be doing the same thing for you.

To vaguely answer your question: the most dj thing you can do while simultaneously showing that you like her is to tell her "i'm going to do xyz this weekend and you're coming with me". This communicates so things all at the same time, but its only good if its congruent with what you've been doing so far.

 

[governor]

Nah man, I don't take your answer as an insult at all...Damn good answer actually. Giving me food for thought...

To answer some of your questions: Known this girl for around 3 years, but for a couple of those years I was in a LTR, so kept it as friends. Broke up with my gf about a year ago, started seeing this girl about 6 months ago, and had the "exclusive" chat about 3 months ago.

There is more to this story - as of about 9 months ago, I've lived with her. And was living with her for 3 months before we started sleeping together. So, it's not like I'm choosing to see her everyday - I don't have a choice in the matter.

I don't have a problem with communication - in fact I like to think I'm good at that. Maybe my question arises from the fact that I'm perhaps still working on the changed dynamic from friends-who-flirt-lots, to being in a romantic relationship with her...

 

[Ease]

You show this by not cheating on her.

This kills it. Rule with an iron fist.

No matter how hard we try, we subconsciously get attached and sloppy in a relationship. You communicate you like her all the time, even when u dont even notice. Its all about pair bonding, she becomes your princess and you want to make her happy and keep her safe. But dont forget she's a good for nothing hoe and her friend is hotter. We are all p*ssy-whipped to a degree in a LTR.

Edit: just saw that you live with her and want to get into a relationship. Your problem is different, and seeing her everyday will not end well.

 

[governor]

This kills it. Rule with an iron fist.

No matter how hard we try, we subconsciously get attached and sloppy in a relationship. You communicate you like her all the time, even when u dont even notice. Its all about pair bonding, she becomes your princess and you want to make her happy and keep her safe. But dont forget she's a good for nothing hoe and her friend is hotter. We are all p*ssy-whipped to a degree in a LTR.

Edit: just saw that you live with her and want to get into a relationship. Your problem is different, and seeing her everyday will not end well.

Ease: I'm already in a relationship with her, so, too late to halt that... How is seeing her everyday going to ensure that it does'nt end well? Not asking aggressively, just genuinely interested. I mean the whole, "don't do it because when it ends it will be weird as and one of you will have to move out?" gets thrown around, but I sense you're focusing on the, "seeing her everyday, part." Am I right?

If so, how will seeing her everyday be bad for me, and not for a couple who live together? Obviously there's the whole, usually you only move in together when things get well serious, thing. But as I said, I've known her for a good three years, and was living with her for a good little bit before we got together. And, finally, given the situation, and not allowing for, "abort, get out, next, etc" as an answer, how would you go about this relationship.

The topic of this thread has kind of changed, but I like where it's going. So, if you don't mind continuing to answer my questions... Really am getting some useful stuff to think about here guys, thanks.

G.

 

[zekko]

as of about 9 months ago, I've lived with her. And was living with her for 3 months before we started sleeping together.

There it is guys. Obviously girls WILL sleep with their rooommates.

I've read threads here where a guy's girlfriend will move in with some other guy and they want to know if it should bother them. Some posters said, no, girls aren't into their roommates, they're sick of seeing them all the time, they won't sleep with them. The truth is out now.

 

[bukowski_merit]

"I treat her well when she treats me well and I am a good man but I take out my Beretta if she fvcks with me." - Franco

^ I live by that.

I enjoy loving women, and being romantic.
but...
I also get a big grin on my face when they start giving me sh!t.\

The problem most men have - is once the woman starts sh!t testing them, or "changing" into a b!tch or a cold pants wearer (desireless) - they continue to treat her as she WAS and not as she IS. That's when they end up asking god, "why me?"

 

[KingofHearts]

Nah man, I don't take your answer as an insult at all...Damn good answer actually. Giving me food for thought...

To answer some of your questions: Known this girl for around 3 years, but for a couple of those years I was in a LTR, so kept it as friends. Broke up with my gf about a year ago, started seeing this girl about 6 months ago, and had the "exclusive" chat about 3 months ago.

There is more to this story - as of about 9 months ago, I've lived with her. And was living with her for 3 months before we started sleeping together. So, it's not like I'm choosing to see her everyday - I don't have a choice in the matter.

I don't have a problem with communication - in fact I like to think I'm good at that. Maybe my question arises from the fact that I'm perhaps still working on the changed dynamic from friends-who-flirt-lots, to being in a romantic relationship with her...

yep, i understand why you wouldn't mention that you're living with her. People will give you crap for it, but stuff like that happens. I don't know very many guys that have the perfect relationship under just the right circumstances.

I'll say this though, she must be a pretty good girl if she isn't already breaking your balls or doesn't do it in the near future. The reason living with your girlfriend is a bad idea is that you've basically communicated to her that she is the best you can do. There is no competition for her, which is one factor that drives women to treat their men well. Sure, if she really wants to be with you, she will behave, but just enough so you don't leave her.

And you answered your own question in that last sentence you wrote. You're trying to show her that being in a relationship with you is better than being just friends.

Really, under the circumstances you described there are two possibilities I can think of that are likely. Either she has low self esteem combined with serious issues or you are considerably better looking than her. The latter means she will continue to treat you well, but you will have that nagging feeling of "i can do better".

 

[vatoloco]

By treating her well.



And by not sticking it in her pooper if she don't dig it.



Edit: Okay, I just saw that you're living together. This changes the dynamics a little.

Don't get mushy with all the AFC sh!t. Do your own thing while in the house/apartment. She's gonna see you every day so you need to be even more of a challenge to her now...

But still, don't try to stick it in her pooper if she doesn't like it!

 

[governor]

The problem most men have - is once the woman starts sh!t testing them, or "changing" into a b!tch or a cold pants wearer (desireless) - they continue to treat her as she WAS and not as she IS. That's when they end up asking god, "why me?"

I've definitely been guilty of that in past relationships. Not so much on the whole, but with incidents. Girl acts up or is in a bad mood, and somehow I've convinced myself it's because of something I've done. Anyway, it's one of the things I'm working on.

I'll say this though, she must be a pretty good girl if she isn't already breaking your balls or doesn't do it in the near future. The reason living with your girlfriend is a bad idea is that you've basically communicated to her that she is the best you can do. There is no competition for her, which is one factor that drives women to treat their men well. Sure, if she really wants to be with you, she will behave, but just enough so you don't leave her.

It's unfortunate that the living together while in a relationship was beyond my control. I mean, yes I decided to live with her, but it was as friends. As I've said, we didn't start seeing each other until AFTER we were living together. Given the obvious handicap that living together presents, particularly so early on in a relationship (in terms of present yourself as a challenge, something to work for, etc), what would you suggest to counter it? I like to think that she knows, truly knows, that I will walk away from the relationship if I get too much static. And I will. Or is it not that simple? I’m still good friends with my Ex and we hang out, and I know that bothers her some. But playing on that consciously is not my style...

Really, under the circumstances you described there are two possibilities I can think of that are likely. Either she has low self esteem combined with serious issues or you are considerably better looking than her. The latter means she will continue to treat you well, but you will have that nagging feeling of "i can do better".

How did you come to those conclusions, based on what I described? I ask because the actual situation is uncannily opposite: she’s is far and above one of the more confident, together girls I’ve known. As for the looks part, well, she’s a heck of a lot better looking than me. Or, are you approaching it from a, “only a girl with these issues would get involved with someone they live with” angle? Basically, I’m a bit confused as to why those two options are the LIKELY options, as opposed to simply possibilities…

At Vatoloco: Noted. Haha.

G.

 

[Ease]

I have never lived with a girl, so im not the guy to ask, but my problem had been phone calls.

In my last LTR, i went into periods of time where we would have phone conversations for 1-2+ hours, once every 2 nights at times.

This was the killer for my most recent relationship. It happened at a period where I was having personal problems. It is often the case when you find yourself under personal stress, you lose your relationship game and your edge overall. Never let them see you sweat. I went from perfect relationship, to relationship break down in 2 steps over 2 months.

The problem overall with too much comminication for me is the lack of independance. It affects you in more than one way. It effects the relationship directly- everything gets boring and it loses its uniqueness. Too much of a good thing even in the best relationship leads to lack of excitement. Its a special feeling when your girl has a sparkle in her eye and excitement in her voice at the prospect of seeing me, anything less and i get a nasty gut feeling that all is not well. I know guys that settle for less, but over my past dealings and experiences, anything less and it sends warning bells.

It also effects indirectly- it effects you. You lose your independance as a man, you are no longer a lone wolf. Born alone, die alone, when single we are so much more active and agile. It's this solo strength that makes us untamable and exciting in the first place. Once you get tamed and you lose your edge of a lone wolf, its easy to lose your mojo. Its for this reason, aswell as others (such as pair bonding natural mechanisms), that makes us get p*ssy whipped. This in turn will show in your actions and will also lead to the break down of your relationship. As men in a relationship we function best when we are acting like men. We act like men best when we are solo hunters.

 

[KingofHearts]

I've definitely been guilty of that in past relationships. Not so much on the whole, but with incidents. Girl acts up or is in a bad mood, and somehow I've convinced myself it's because of something I've done. Anyway, it's one of the things I'm working on.



It's unfortunate that the living together while in a relationship was beyond my control. I mean, yes I decided to live with her, but it was as friends. As I've said, we didn't start seeing each other until AFTER we were living together. Given the obvious handicap that living together presents, particularly so early on in a relationship (in terms of present yourself as a challenge, something to work for, etc), what would you suggest to counter it? I like to think that she knows, truly knows, that I will walk away from the relationship if I get too much static. And I will. Or is it not that simple? I’m still good friends with my Ex and we hang out, and I know that bothers her some. But playing on that consciously is not my style...



How did you come to those conclusions, based on what I described? I ask because the actual situation is uncannily opposite: she’s is far and above one of the more confident, together girls I’ve known. As for the looks part, well, she’s a heck of a lot better looking than me. Or, are you approaching it from a, “only a girl with these issues would get involved with someone they live with” angle? Basically, I’m a bit confused as to why those two options are the LIKELY options, as opposed to simply possibilities…

At Vatoloco: Noted. Haha.

G.

Ha ha, because "confident, together girls" are so f-in rare! That's why I assume something is wrong. Because good relationships are so, so rare.

And here, right off the bat, she has a lot of leverage in this relationship, even more so if she's hot too! So why isn't she tapping into that? She could have you by the balls, because you're not a challenge due to living with her. You said she's got you beat in the looks department, so she could get a better looking guy than you if she wanted. That's not everything that matters, but we've all seen girls act entitled, get *****y and mow a guy down with even less advantages.

Its sad and it sucks, but most relationships don't have a chance because one or both partners are ****ed in the head. Others have a major disparity in attractive traits, so eventually one leaves to find better or the other gets insecure and screws up. And still other relationships have a shelf life because people change. I'm not telling you anything you don't know. But if you're wondering why me or anyone doubts that things are that good and stable in your relationship, its because its so damn rare.

Given what you said about your girl, then I have to go back to what I said in the first place, "The problem is, you don't really have a problem".

 

[KingofHearts]

Given the obvious handicap that living together presents, particularly so early on in a relationship (in terms of present yourself as a challenge, something to work for, etc), what would you suggest to counter it? I like to think that she knows, truly knows, that I will walk away from the relationship if I get too much static. And I will. Or is it not that simple? I’m still good friends with my Ex and we hang out, and I know that bothers her some. But playing on that consciously is not my style...

Rollo has some good stuff on competition anxiety in LTR's. The search function is no good right now, but just look through his threads. I stand on the fence on the "play or get played" mentality but Rollo makes some very strong points.

http://hubpages.com/hub/101ways2sayiloveyou-wife - some of these ideas make me vomit in my mouth a little, but maybe it will spur some ideas for you. Honestly, I think she should be the one looking for ways to make you happy and let you know how she feels.


I hope something i posted helped. I don't envy your position at all. I would think its impossible to be fully attentive to your relationship and pursue your bigger goals while still improving yourself to your highest potential. I just hope it ends up being worth it for you.

 

[Bible_Belt]

How can one go about being romantic without using what is generally regarded as, "romantic?"

It's simple. Just remember what she says about the things she likes. Make a mental note and file it away.

For example, a former girlfriend of mine had complained about not having a place to hang her coat in her apartment. She was also nuts for the color olive green, loved it. One of her Christmas gifts that year was a $3 coat rack from Wal-Mart that I bought with a $2 can of olive green spray paint and then painted. She loved it. I heard her gushing to her friends about how romantic I was that I got her a coat rack. They didn't really understand, but saw that it made her very happy. The gift was romantic because I listened to what she said and got her something she wanted without having to be asked.