rip this new guy a new one

[hindsighted]

Please bare with my extremely lengthy first post...

Don't usually have trouble with ladies, but I was having some issues and I stumbled across this site. After some thorough reading I know I made some AFC moves, so I made some changes (maybe too little too late) and now need some insight.

Met a bartender early this summer at a bar I frequent regularly. Got her number, went out and hit it off. We would hang out like once a week, since our schedules clash due to me having a career and her a job. Early on I played it cool and she would tell my friends she didnt think i liked her like that. She would hook up all of my friends and my bar tabs, saved hundreds of dollars probably thousands after all summer... We would hang out and be all over each other, always have a good time. Ended up hitting it a few times, but she brought up to my friends how i didnt show much emotion towards her. First AFC rookie mistake, I switched my style up and started showing more affection texting more calling more caring more.

Middle of summer she played the game I was playing and I fell for it (AFC mistake #2). I was that ***** waiting for her to text/call back, getting pissed that she would wait so long to get ahold of me. I would usually initiate hanging out, but we would still kick it about once a week. Still all over each other when we went, but the nights never ended with anything more. I met a bunch of her friends and some family, she says how they all like me so much blah blah blah. Nothing changes with her/us, still no sex.... One of my close GF, that she knew I used to ****, ended up getting a job with her about mid-summer... lol that was priceless. She showed jealousy about us prior, but I made it clear it was in the past. I was spinning a few plates at the time, but she was my "A". This is where I became THE AFC, not just any AFC, THE AFC. Started displaying some jealousy, shes a hot bartender so guys are always macking on her and basically most of her friends are dudes. Got sick of all the BS so I expressed to her "why are we pretending to be together if we aren't and we arent even ****ing. We are wasting each others time." We would still kick it every now and then, but nothing changed. Basically have been talking for like 5 months.

More recently, after reading through the forum, I started initiating NC. The problem is my friends and I go to this bar regularly still (because she hooks it up and my former hook-up, hooks it up with cheap/free drinks), so I see her weekly. So I don't call or text her for a week or two until her birthday. She thanks me for the birthday wishes and I didnt respond. I text her last tuesday to hang out. No reply til thurs.

her "hey babe, I am going out tonight what are you doing?"
me "just left the gym"
her "ok arnold, whats your plans tonight?"
me "im just gonna kick it tonight, think im gonna blaze with (old hookup she works with), what about you?"
her "oh ok cool"

Went to the bar this weekend. I was talking to as many girls as possible, including the bartenders. She said "why are you acting weird"... probably because I am not being my AFC self not mingling with other girls and giving her all my attention. So I said something like "how am I acting weird, because its not like that anymore?" End up getting a phone call from my old hookup and she said that she asked her if we were back together.

So here is my question... Obviously, I want to still hit it and I do not want to lose the great hook up on bar tabs. Should I just continue with what I have recently been doing? NC during the week, but be nice when I see her. Is this a lost cause? What do I do from here.... There's no way I'm going back to AFC, but I want that ass. Go ahead and rip me a new one

Sorry for the Novel I typed

 

[muscleman]

I'm confused by your writing, did you have sex with her or not (the bartender)? If I read correctly you did for a while, then 'were AFC', now you're not 'AFC anymore' and want to have sex again but don't want to lose the bar hookup.

 

[hindsighted]

sorry for the run ons... Yes early on we did. Then it just turned into going out and not putting out. I dont know how to handle this so I dont ruin a good bar hook up and try to still get her to want to ****. Or is it a lost cause because of my AFC **** up, and will I be stuck in the friend zone ?

 

[The Gambler]

Great job writing the post... look forward to reading more from you.

I just read the post, and haven't had time to let the details sink in (I need to leave for work now), but one thing I noticed is that things with her are always at an extreme -- either waaaay to the left (AFC) or waaay to the right (woman feeling neglected) when it comes to you and her. I give you props for trying to find that middle ground, but where the heck is it? It's like SHE doesn't even know where she wants the middle ground to be. Until she makes it more clear with what she's looking for, it'll be a tough thing to figure out. Keep an eye open for clues she may be giving.

Anxious to hear more about this and welcome!

The Gambler

 

[muscleman]

Ok, she's just noticing inconsistent behavior from you and trying to figure out if you're really changed or are just putting on a show.

Keep the bar hookup. If she's saving you hundreds, she's essentially paying you money for your company. You'd be an idiot to ruin that, pvssy or no pvssy. Keep that in mind.

Second, if she really thinks you're acting weird, just ask her what she means. She'll tell you. Just don't make it a point to show off your shiny new PUA skills in hopes of getting her to bite. Since the two of you already have history, if I were you I'd just play it cool, even flirt with her, but don't try to progress anywhere. If she wants to have another go, she'll make it known. If not, plausible deniability on your part since you never really told her you want to smash again. Win win.