Hello gentlemen,
I've looked at the archives looking for a solution to a little problem that keeps happening to me, however it seems that I've been pretty much what was already suggested.
The problem?
I get hit on by girls/women I am friends with, and it ranges from girls I've known only for a few weeks (not that difficult to reject) to girls I've known since I was six years old.
The usual script is as follows:
I am friends with a girl. Not exactly the "he's one of my girlfriends" way - but I do some things that should disqualify me as a lover:
As per common knowledge of SoSuave, this seems like the things men to do to stay be in the "friendzone".
However, sooner or later, all of a sudden I notice a difference in the way my female friends act towards me - it starts with subtle flirting, certain undertones in their words that ring a bell, and I kid you not, a nearly word-for-word lines "You know, if I didn't know you, and you asked me out, I would definitely go out with you" or "So why don't you have a girlfriend? You <lists some attractive features>, what's up with being single?" from most of the girls.
Now, my usual modus operandi in such situations is:
This works sometimes, but what to do when it doesn't?
Take the current situation. One of my friends was doing a film project for her studies, and she needed a main actor. I'm not a big fan of acting, but since she had deadline looming in, she could not find anyone else, and was nearly in tears, so I had to agree.
It actually ended up a lot better than anyone expected - I've got a few more friends to join in, couple of whom work in television and who have a lot of experience and bought extra gear from work, then a couple of acting students joined as side actors, and bystanders happily stepped in as props, with a group of tourists happily agreeing to do a mass scene. The day was a "Great success", as one wise man from Kazakhstan would say, so we all went for a beer, high-fived each other and went home.
A week later girl offered me to come over and see the final cut, which I happily agreed to see. I got that hunch when after arriving she started cooking me fancy dinner (She's not a great chef), thanking me for the all the help; I followed my usual routine of "that's what friends are for" and tried to keep it short with an excuse that I still got some work to do before next day, leaving quite early, and next thing you know, I get a text from her inviting me to go see a movie on the weekend, just the two of us.
"Well, I have a really busy schedule now, I'll let you know on Saturday if I could find some time"
I don't contact her at all, Saturday comes and goes, then get another text on Tuesday evening:
"So, how ya doing?"
"Busy, just came back from work, you?"
"Just touching up some scenes from the film, you did an awesome job
And since the dinner didn't go that well*, I'd really like to see that movie with you as a thank you! "
"Um.. I've got lot's of work, and I've got trip planned from Thursday evening till Saturday morning - sorry, but I don't think we will get to watch that movie, you should go with x, I think she wants to see it as well. I'll let you know if anything changes, but I wouldn't put my hopes in. I'm off to sleep, talk to ya later!"
"Well, the movie is still on till Monday let me know if anything changes "
And I get a text from her today (Thursday) morning "So how about that movie on Monday?".
*She overcooked it a bit, to which I reflectively spit a "Geez, I don't think you will ever find a man with THAT kind of cooking". Whoops.
I understand this limited conversation does not give sufficient insight, but since I've known her for awhile, I can put down the following:
A) She is definitely flirting with me, and what she is looking for at the time is an LTR.
B) She does not meet my criteria for girl I'd bang (looks 5-6 because of some extra chub. If she lost it, she could become an 8), and if she fixed her looks, her personality is not what I'm looking for in a girl I'd want to date.
C) She is very likely to vomit her feelings for me if I continue ignoring her advances.
How would you proceed in such situation?
I could pre-emptively tell her "I know where this is going, and there is no chance that we could be anything more than friends", which, knowing her personality, would go down in flames. And, before you all jump in on the "You shouldn't have girls as friends if you're not porking them" bandwagon, I have my reasons to maintain platonic friendships with them.
I understand this is somewhat of a reverse question to usual ones, but what is your input? How would you deal with this concrete situation, and generally, when a (not-attractive enough) friend hits on you?
And, is it ever actually worth trying to salvage friendship or will they always have lingering feelings because of rejection?
I've looked at the archives looking for a solution to a little problem that keeps happening to me, however it seems that I've been pretty much what was already suggested.
The problem?
I get hit on by girls/women I am friends with, and it ranges from girls I've known only for a few weeks (not that difficult to reject) to girls I've known since I was six years old.
The usual script is as follows:
I am friends with a girl. Not exactly the "he's one of my girlfriends" way - but I do some things that should disqualify me as a lover:
- I take out all the flirty vibe (although I can't help it and I still do tease them a lot);
- I often discuss my relationships and women with them (I find it fascinating to see women talk about other women or men);
- Ask them how their relationships are going, give them my input on their issues, try to explain how guy thinks, whether he likes her or not etc.
- I give them a hand with their problems (Whatever it is - everything you'd do if a good male of yours would say "Uhh, I've got a problem, and I know you're good at x, could you give me a hand with...") although I do all this without any ulterior motive - simply because I enjoy helping people that I care about.
As per common knowledge of SoSuave, this seems like the things men to do to stay be in the "friendzone".
However, sooner or later, all of a sudden I notice a difference in the way my female friends act towards me - it starts with subtle flirting, certain undertones in their words that ring a bell, and I kid you not, a nearly word-for-word lines "You know, if I didn't know you, and you asked me out, I would definitely go out with you" or "So why don't you have a girlfriend? You <lists some attractive features>, what's up with being single?" from most of the girls.
Now, my usual modus operandi in such situations is:
- Increase the density of "You know, it's awesome to have such a good friend as you", "I'm glad we're such good friends","You're like my brother from another mother" etc. when I'm talking to them;
- Reduce the amount of time I spend with the certain girl;
- Postpone/flake on meeting if I know it will be just the two of us, or bring another mutual friend when we're meeting up;
This works sometimes, but what to do when it doesn't?
Take the current situation. One of my friends was doing a film project for her studies, and she needed a main actor. I'm not a big fan of acting, but since she had deadline looming in, she could not find anyone else, and was nearly in tears, so I had to agree.
It actually ended up a lot better than anyone expected - I've got a few more friends to join in, couple of whom work in television and who have a lot of experience and bought extra gear from work, then a couple of acting students joined as side actors, and bystanders happily stepped in as props, with a group of tourists happily agreeing to do a mass scene. The day was a "Great success", as one wise man from Kazakhstan would say, so we all went for a beer, high-fived each other and went home.
A week later girl offered me to come over and see the final cut, which I happily agreed to see. I got that hunch when after arriving she started cooking me fancy dinner (She's not a great chef), thanking me for the all the help; I followed my usual routine of "that's what friends are for" and tried to keep it short with an excuse that I still got some work to do before next day, leaving quite early, and next thing you know, I get a text from her inviting me to go see a movie on the weekend, just the two of us.
"Well, I have a really busy schedule now, I'll let you know on Saturday if I could find some time"
I don't contact her at all, Saturday comes and goes, then get another text on Tuesday evening:
"So, how ya doing?"
"Busy, just came back from work, you?"
"Just touching up some scenes from the film, you did an awesome job
And since the dinner didn't go that well*, I'd really like to see that movie with you as a thank you! ""Um.. I've got lot's of work, and I've got trip planned from Thursday evening till Saturday morning - sorry, but I don't think we will get to watch that movie, you should go with x, I think she wants to see it as well. I'll let you know if anything changes, but I wouldn't put my hopes in. I'm off to sleep, talk to ya later!"
"Well, the movie is still on till Monday
let me know if anything changes "And I get a text from her today (Thursday) morning "So how about that movie on Monday?".
*She overcooked it a bit, to which I reflectively spit a "Geez, I don't think you will ever find a man with THAT kind of cooking". Whoops.
I understand this limited conversation does not give sufficient insight, but since I've known her for awhile, I can put down the following:
A) She is definitely flirting with me, and what she is looking for at the time is an LTR.
B) She does not meet my criteria for girl I'd bang (looks 5-6 because of some extra chub. If she lost it, she could become an 8), and if she fixed her looks, her personality is not what I'm looking for in a girl I'd want to date.
C) She is very likely to vomit her feelings for me if I continue ignoring her advances.
How would you proceed in such situation?
I could pre-emptively tell her "I know where this is going, and there is no chance that we could be anything more than friends", which, knowing her personality, would go down in flames. And, before you all jump in on the "You shouldn't have girls as friends if you're not porking them" bandwagon, I have my reasons to maintain platonic friendships with them.
I understand this is somewhat of a reverse question to usual ones, but what is your input? How would you deal with this concrete situation, and generally, when a (not-attractive enough) friend hits on you?
And, is it ever actually worth trying to salvage friendship or will they always have lingering feelings because of rejection?
