Regain attraction for you?

[sports0705]

Hi everyone,

Very long story, very short: My wife and I (1.5 years of marriage) are having some big issues right now, and are currently separated. She constantly says that I have done nothing wrong and have been a perfect husband. However, she has lost her attraction to me. She tells me she desperately wishes it weren't the case because she doesn't want to lose me, but she feels that once the feeling is lost, it may not be able to be regained. Since I know how people are on these forums, I just want to state that I am not at all worried that there is another guy.

I've done a lot of very very intense self-discovery, and I have identified some very big ways that I have changed since our relationship was last in really good standing. Much of the reason I changed so much is that she has gone through many major family issues (three deaths and her mother getting diagnosed with cancer) in the last year. She is dealing with depression and has been seeing a therapist due to all of this. In turn, I switched into more of a "support" role to her. Everything I said and did was with the thinking of how it could help her cope and be happy. This went on longer than expected, and that change in me started becoming habit.

I know I need to get out of simply being her "support", as much as felt that was the right thing to do in the moment. By doing that, I completely lost my individuality and who I am as a person. I feel this is a major contributor to her losing that "feeling" for me.

I am curious what you guys feel about a woman's ability to regain that "feeling" when she says that everything else is there, and is the reason why she is hoping this works out.

Also, any advice you have other than simply focusing on myself is extremely welcome!

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Hi everyone,

Very long story, very short: My wife and I (1.5 years of marriage) are having some big issues right now, and are currently separated. She constantly says that I have done nothing wrong and have been a perfect husband. However, she has lost her attraction to me. She tells me she desperately wishes it weren't the case because she doesn't want to lose me, but she feels that once the feeling is lost, it may not be able to be regained. Since I know how people are on these forums, I just want to state that I am not at all worried that there is another guy.

I've done a lot of very very intense self-discovery, and I have identified some very big ways that I have changed since our relationship was last in really good standing. Much of the reason I changed so much is that she has gone through many major family issues (three deaths and her mother getting diagnosed with cancer) in the last year. She is dealing with depression and has been seeing a therapist due to all of this. In turn, I switched into more of a "support" role to her. Everything I said and did was with the thinking of how it could help her cope and be happy. This went on longer than expected, and that change in me started becoming habit.

I know I need to get out of simply being her "support", as much as felt that was the right thing to do in the moment. By doing that, I completely lost my individuality and who I am as a person. I feel this is a major contributor to her losing that "feeling" for me.

I am curious what you guys feel about a woman's ability to regain that "feeling" when she says that everything else is there, and is the reason why she is hoping this works out.

Also, any advice you have other than simply focusing on myself is extremely welcome!

I'm in same position. Some of us in LTR's are in this position. There is a method to the madness. Athol Kay's "Married Sex Primer" gives kinda of a blue print. You have to reestablish your individulatity. Your masculine image outside of her. As you learned we can't do all that they want us to do or remember everything they want. Perhaps be 50-70% attentive vs 90%. Some drama fluctuations help. You don't have to do it all the time, but a little bs injected every so often is like seasoning.

If your not in shape it's a great time to get in shape. If you are not in a martial art, it's a great time to do that.

Do not pursue her. Let her reach out and make the effort. Often times than not someones feelings can change based upon their actions. So you have to make her make the effort.

Find some social things that you can do where you build up some social juice and also so she can witness other women admiring and lusting after you.

Some leadership postions don't hurt even boy scout troops.

Do things that are fun for you, that are masculine.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I'm in same position. Some of us in LTR's are in this position. There is a method to the madness. Athol Kay's "Married Sex Primer" gives kinda of a blue print. You have to reestablish your individulatity. Your masculine image outside of her. As you learned we can't do all that they want us to do or remember everything they want. Perhaps be 50-70% attentive vs 90%. Some drama fluctuations help. You don't have to do it all the time, but a little bs injected every so often is like seasoning.

If your not in shape it's a great time to get in shape. If you are not in a martial art, it's a great time to do that.

Do not pursue her. Let her reach out and make the effort. Often times than not someones feelings can change based upon their actions. So you have to make her make the effort.

Find some social things that you can do where you build up some social juice and also so she can witness other women admiring and lusting after you.

Some leadership postions don't hurt even boy scout troops.

Do things that are fun for you, that are masculine.

So-suave needs to do their own condenced "bible of pook" that's specifically catering to people needing to restore attraction.

 

[sports0705]

I couldn't agree more with everything you just said. Just hearing that helped me out a lot because it's a lot of what I came to on my own.

I do need to get back to the gym. I am no longer in shape like I was (although my issue right now is being too skinny). I am reconnecting with a lot of friends (although they are all married with kids now, so that is easier said than done).

I am proud to say that during this month of separation, I haven't reached out to her. I have left it all on her to do, and lately it has started happening more. Yesterday she came home for us to discuss some things, and it was a great conversation. She brought up wanting to start "dating" again, maybe 2 times per week, to see if we can regain what we lost. She also brought up spending Valentines Day together, and even texted me excited about a restaurant she made a reservation for.

I am hopeful that working on myself will translate into what she is missing, but I guess I came here with the worry that I may need to do more than that.

I need to look into that book. Any idea if it is available for free download anywhere?

 

[resilient]

I read Athol Kay's "Married Sex Primer" and "Mind Attraction Plan" e-books during the final year of my marriage. I unfortunately, found out about his site, forum, premium video series and materials too late when my ex was waaaaaaay checked out. @Epimanes, the marriage champ here on SS recommended that site and I started a rebuild process.

Too bad Anthol shut down his site recently, he had some solid tips. OP, just look up his two books on Amazon, they're probably still available.

The man in the marriage or the marriage itself is like a huge cargo ship. If the ship went off track and has been heading for an iceberg (separation/divorce) for some time than trying to suddenly wake up over night to fix yourself by resteering the ship will be struggle. The problems within the marriage don't happen over night, so it will take time to turn the ship around and set it back on course. Change takes time.

If her IL is south of <50%, good luck..... It isn't even certain if you do all the right things that she'll stay.

The best case scenario is whether or not she stays, you work on yourself and increase your SMV, so it's easier to transition out back to independence.

 

[sports0705]

I read Athol Kay's "Married Sex Primer" and "Mind Attraction Plan" e-books during the final year of my marriage. I unfortunately, found out about his site, forum, premium video series and materials too late when my ex was waaaaaaay checked out. @Epimanes, the marriage champ here on SS recommended that site and I started a rebuild process.

Too bad Anthol shut down his site recently, he had some solid tips. OP, just look up his two books on Amazon, they're probably still available.

The man in the marriage or the marriage itself is like a huge cargo ship. If the ship went off track and has been heading for an iceberg (separation/divorce) for some time than trying to suddenly wake up over night to fix yourself by resteering the ship will be struggle. The problems within the marriage don't happen over night, so it will take time to turn the ship around and set it back on course. Change takes time.

If her IL is south of <50%, good luck..... It isn't even certain if you do all the right things that she'll stay.

The best case scenario is whether or not she stays, you work on yourself and increase your SMV, so it's easier to transition out back to independence.

Yesterday she told me that when she came over last week, she was basically coming over with the intent being to verify that divorce was the right thing to do. But the things I said to her that night were exactly what she needed to hear, and that she was not expecting to hear it, so it took her completely off-guard. Taking a couple days to think about the things I said, she said rather than head for divorce at this point, she feels it is worth it to keep trying. So, while I don't know exactly where her IL is right now, it is clearly MUCH higher than it was a week ago. To the point she has come up with the plan to start going on dates twice a week, including V-day. It's giving me hope, but I'm trying to limit expectations. I need to make these changes for myself. That will either 1) get us back to where we were, or 2) be step one in me getting back out to find someone new.

I am going to get Athol's book now to try and push that along.

 

[sazc]

Give these guys a listen, they have solid tips. Good luck to you!

 

[speed dawg]

Since I know how people are on these forums, I just want to state that I am not at all worried that there is another guy.

This sentence alone tells me you aren't ready to change. Pain awaits you.

Why did you even come here?

 

[dude99]

Hi everyone,

Very long story, very short: My wife and I (1.5 years of marriage) are having some big issues right now, and are currently separated. She constantly says that I have done nothing wrong and have been a perfect husband. However, she has lost her attraction to me. She tells me she desperately wishes it weren't the case because she doesn't want to lose me, but she feels that once the feeling is lost, it may not be able to be regained. Since I know how people are on these forums, I just want to state that I am not at all worried that there is another guy.

I've done a lot of very very intense self-discovery, and I have identified some very big ways that I have changed since our relationship was last in really good standing. Much of the reason I changed so much is that she has gone through many major family issues (three deaths and her mother getting diagnosed with cancer) in the last year. She is dealing with depression and has been seeing a therapist due to all of this. In turn, I switched into more of a "support" role to her. Everything I said and did was with the thinking of how it could help her cope and be happy. This went on longer than expected, and that change in me started becoming habit.

I know I need to get out of simply being her "support", as much as felt that was the right thing to do in the moment. By doing that, I completely lost my individuality and who I am as a person. I feel this is a major contributor to her losing that "feeling" for me.

I am curious what you guys feel about a woman's ability to regain that "feeling" when she says that everything else is there, and is the reason why she is hoping this works out.

Also, any advice you have other than simply focusing on myself is extremely welcome!

I'm going to sum this up into a smaller paragraph:

She went through a rough patch, with deaths and her mother being diagnosed with cancer and she is suffering from depression, and you took on a supportive role. This is the bare bones of what i got from your story.

Now, you did the admirable thing. You stepped up. Probably financialy and emotionally supported her in a down time as a husband does. You stepped up. Took the reigns in what wedding vows tell you to do, for better or worse and she thanked you by losing all attraction to you.

Dude you didn't change. She did. You stepped up and did the honourable thing. She crapped on you for being an honourable man.

You were only married 1.5 years and this Shiiit is already starting? Low quality woman alert. Her behaviour is why less and less men are are able to love women anymore

Tell her to get her shiìit and get out. Hopefully you didn't have any kids with her.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

I'm going to sum this up into a smaller paragraph:

She went through a rough patch, with deaths and her mother being diagnosed with cancer and she is suffering from depression, and you took on a supportive role. This is the bare bones of what i got from your story.

Now, you did the admirable thing. You stepped up. Probably financialy and emotionally supported her in a down time as a husband does. You stepped up. Took the reigns in what wedding vows tell you to do, for better or worse and she thanked you by losing all attraction to you.

Dude you didn't change. She did. You stepped up and did the honourable thing. She crapped on you for being an honourable man.

You were only married 1.5 years and this Shiiit is already starting? Low quality woman alert. Her behaviour is why less and less men are are able to love women anymore

Tell her to get her shiìit and get out. Hopefully you didn't have any kids with her.

Your right. Low quality women want and value what they CANNOT have. If they know they can HAVE you they devalue you. A quality womans love and appreciation GROWS based on positive experiences and good treatment. So she will literally treat and like you better the more honorable you are.

 

[dude99]

Your right. Low quality women want and value what they CANNOT have. If they know they can HAVE you they devalue you. A quality womans love and appreciation GROWS based on positive experiences and good treatment. So she will literally treat and like you better the more honorable you are.

Agreed. Too bad there is an over abundance of low quality women and a high quality woman is a rare bird now-a-days.

 

[Once Bitten]

This sentence alone tells me you aren't ready to change. Pain awaits you.

Why did you even come here?

What, sir did you expect him to do, go to a woman's forum? This is the best place for him.

 

[hockeyfreak79]

I'm going to sum this up into a smaller paragraph:

She went through a rough patch, with deaths and her mother being diagnosed with cancer and she is suffering from depression, and you took on a supportive role. This is the bare bones of what i got from your story.

Now, you did the admirable thing. You stepped up. Probably financialy and emotionally supported her in a down time as a husband does. You stepped up. Took the reigns in what wedding vows tell you to do, for better or worse and she thanked you by losing all attraction to you.

Dude you didn't change. She did. You stepped up and did the honourable thing. She crapped on you for being an honourable man.

You were only married 1.5 years and this Shiiit is already starting? Low quality woman alert. Her behaviour is why less and less men are are able to love women anymore

Tell her to get her shiìit and get out. Hopefully you didn't have any kids with her.

Yup the dude nailed it.

Just the fact that you went through all the family issues and then she just adds more to the mix by leaving you!? Gtfo....

Yeah man this is no brainer, move on for real!

She doesn't deserve you. End of story.

You are delusional if you think she isn't seeing other guys. Banging or not she's getting attention elsewhere.

 

[The Duke]

Sports-I had an exwife tell me she lost attraction and didn’t love me anymore. Heard all of the same stuff. What you are experiencing is pretty typical.

Women are a damn mess and only loyal to their emotions at whatever point in time.

The best thing you can do is give her plenty of time and space. Be patient. Pull away. Stop being so nice. Be indifferent to her. In order for a woman to want to be with you, she needs to miss you.

I initially agreed to give my exwife 3months to sort herself out when we separated. I lasted about 3weeks and retracted my statement and filed for divorce. If you can handle living in limbo at someone else’s mercy then

Stick it out and it will probably keep you out of a divorce.

Its sad that a guy like you did an honorable thing and it backfired. But that’s the nature of women….good or bad. They all exhibit these habits. They aren't men, and I hate to admit it but we can't expect them to behave like we do.

I don't know if she is cheating or not, be careful of those that jump to conclusions. You haven't presented any info to be analyzed.

But my exwife cheated on me, it took her 9yrs and a lot of counseling before she finally admitted it. For several months I had no clue.

I highly recommend you run a credit report on her so you can see if she has opened any bank/credit accounts that you aren't aware of.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

Sports-I had an exwife tell me she lost attraction and didn’t love me anymore. Heard all of the same stuff. What you are experiencing is pretty typical.

Women are a damn mess and only loyal to their emotions at whatever point in time.

The best thing you can do is give her plenty of time and space. Be patient. Pull away. Stop being so nice. Be indifferent to her. In order for a woman to want to be with you, she needs to miss you.

I initially agreed to give my exwife 3months to sort herself out when we separated. I lasted about 3weeks and retracted my statement and filed for divorce. If you can handle living in limbo at someone else’s mercy then

Stick it out and it will probably keep you out of a divorce.

Its sad that a guy like you did an honorable thing and it backfired. But that’s the nature of women….good or bad. They all exhibit these habits. They aren't men, and I hate to admit it but we can't expect them to behave like we do.

I don't know if she is cheating or not, be careful of those that jump to conclusions. You haven't presented any info to be analyzed.

But my exwife cheated on me, it took her 9yrs and a lot of counseling before she finally admitted it. For several months I had no clue.

I highly recommend you run a credit report on her so you can see if she has opened any bank/credit accounts that you aren't aware of.

Ex-phvcking-actly! When they start cheating on you they are playing the GAME of life AGAINST you!!!! It's the nature of such a selfish activity that's hurtful.

 

[The Duke]

Your right. Low quality women want and value what they CANNOT have. If they know they can HAVE you they devalue you. A quality womans love and appreciation GROWS based on positive experiences and good treatment. So she will literally treat and like you better the more honorable you are.

That's very true, but it doesn't last forever. There are no guarantees, regardless of how quality she is. I've been thru all of that before.

One thing that Deesade always got pizzed about was people referring to women as "quality". And he is right. There's really no such thing. She is only artificial "quality" as long as she is getting what she wants from you and her emotions towards you are positive. They behave properly because of how they feel towards you. Its the only thing governing their actions.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

That's very true, but it doesn't last forever. There are no guarantees, regardless of how quality she is. I've been thru all of that before.

One thing that Deesade always got pizzed about was people referring to women as "quality". And he is right. There's really no such thing. She is only artificial "quality" as long as she is getting what she wants from you and her emotions towards you are positive. They behave properly because of how they feel towards you. Its the only thing governing their actions.

How they "feel" about you can change based upon their peer group. If she was peer group with a bunch of stable wives who phvcked their husbands nightly, it would be odds that you would get the same.

If she was in that "good" peer group for 15 years, and then got an itch and thought she was missing out, and started hanging more and more with singles and cheaters because they are having "fun" it's likely over time she will gain the same viewpoint as THEM. Thus you are phvcked.

It's good that your example has good examples for relationships, IE: mom and dad together, had sex nightly, worked as a team but we don't have many examples like this and culture is working to take that away.

 

[mrgoodstuff]

That's very true, but it doesn't last forever. There are no guarantees, regardless of how quality she is. I've been thru all of that before.

One thing that Deesade always got pizzed about was people referring to women as "quality". And he is right. There's really no such thing. She is only artificial "quality" as long as she is getting what she wants from you and her emotions towards you are positive. They behave properly because of how they feel towards you. Its the only thing governing their actions.

What if an adult makes a COMMITTMENT and understands how life can make the world look so attractive in comparison. They make a commitment to support and take care of their spouse and nothing will deter them. I don't even think by 30 people understand COMMITTMENT.

 

[exhausted]

I'm going to sum this up into a smaller paragraph:

She went through a rough patch, with deaths and her mother being diagnosed with cancer and she is suffering from depression, and you took on a supportive role. This is the bare bones of what i got from your story.

Now, you did the admirable thing. You stepped up. Probably financialy and emotionally supported her in a down time as a husband does. You stepped up. Took the reigns in what wedding vows tell you to do, for better or worse and she thanked you by losing all attraction to you.

Dude you didn't change. She did. You stepped up and did the honourable thing. She crapped on you for being an honourable man.

You were only married 1.5 years and this Shiiit is already starting? Low quality woman alert. Her behaviour is why less and less men are are able to love women anymore

Tell her to get her shiìit and get out. Hopefully you didn't have any kids with her.

I agree completely I was confused reading his initial post.
I have lost family from deaths and cancer and it is beyond difficult dealing with it alone.

Why in the world would this woman not look at her husband like the hero she was lucky to have instead of she doesn't feel the same about him???

Something is up.

In times of crisis partners come together and become closer not more apart.

 

[ubercat]

Nature abhors a vacuum. Dollars to donuts she s jumped on another d1ck or is preparing to. I had a couple of ltrs where frankly the girls were better quality than it sounds like your wife is. And in the dying stages of the relationship they all showed signs of starting to branch swing. Woman always have men helping them in life and if they have to they reward with the V. And yeah I m always there for my woman. Don't expect that to buy you any loyalty one of briffault's laws states that loyalty doesn't exist past the benefit. Be very carefully which woman you build up because otherwise you're just playing Captain save a ho