Reflections of a beta

Bang

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Hello guys.

This post is for me and the benefit I get from this process, but my hopes is that it will benefit someone else reading it as well.

I'm new to this forum, I've heard about it through Rollo Tomassi's book The rational male. Awesome book that!
First I would like to thank you guys for the value you put out in the content that's in here, and for the time and effort you use on working yourself. I too seek to do the same.
I do not post and engage in such communities as these much, although I do write and reflect without sharing. I wish to share more though and I like the spirit in here, I find it uplifting and honest and so trust that there will be little BS. and I just want the truth, (/my truth) even though I think it is going to sting. I think that's why I found the aforementioned book. That most definitely stung. Although it was not the first time I have had my world view shaken up and by the way I have chosen to live my life I know it's not my last.

I would not say that I am new to the red pill, although I never heard of this phrase until recently. I started "the path of self-improvement" a long time ago, mostly for spiritual reasons, and these reasons still drive me today. I am amazed that it has led me here. I started to seriously consider girls (or the lack of them) as a problem for about five years ago. before then I had enough with stuff I won't delve into here and now. I then started to see a glimpse of what I now see a fuller picture of. I started after about a year preparing and theorizing in my mind to take action and it worked!

I now have a different problem. I am an introvert. I am a nice guy. (less now than before) I romanticize women. I am performance oriented. I see feminine traits that I don't like in myself; like passivity. My main problem though is that I have consumed so much info and fed a giant hunger for knowledge for long. Don't get me wrong, I love my passion and drive for improvement. The problem is that with all the more knowledge, anything that I thought would be clearer, gets more obscure. Just because of the subjectivity of all things. What is right then? Nothing and everything and the same goes for what is wrong. I decide, right? And this is not a problem to digest in isolation. But bring other people into the picture and it gets more complicated. I now need to choose in situations that I perceive as zero sum games.

"Who the **** am I to choose my self and to be honest?" No one appreciates it anyway. Nobody wants the truth. And at the end of the day I need other people. I truly wish I didn't. I have lived in a world where I didn't need anyone and to a large extent I still do. But that only gets me so far. I feel like I have completed that part of my life. I also have no control over other people. I cannot make them do anything, and neither do I want to. I can't make sense of this and make this aspect work. I guess this fits with the jerk vs nice guy discussion. I do want to point out that I value the nice guy archetype and appreciate the positive benefits of his behaviour, in moderation.

I want to philosophize and not act. Where does the need for philosophizing end? Does it? I want to to want to do both, not just one. I want balance.
I am bipolar in that I do not want to get girls, but I do. I don't care because I have a higher pursuit, until i don't. I don't even always think I necessarily want girls, I just want the knowledge that I could get them if I wanted. I don't feel like I have this knowledge now. And I don't want to go out and get shot down to get there. I know what you think, that it's because I am afraid of rejection, and that may be true. But in my mind the main reason that I don't want that is because I esteem it as pointless. On top of the rejection thing, I do not have that many guy friends that I can go out with and do this kind of thing with. I imagine this is a common problem. So I would have to do this myself - or convince some "blue pill" friend that "doesn't care about women" to go out with me. I would then be much in charge of motivation and keeping the energy up i imagine. There are two problems with that. I am not red pill aware enough to carry someone else's anxieties and denial and that I am not properly motivated myself. I see the process of action as a threat and miss all the opportunities it hides. I believe that the obstacle is the way as Ryan Holiday puts it. Although per now the threat outweighs the potential opportunities.
I do fear rejection and maybe that's all it is. Of course I do but this doesn't help me. I feel I have been through that "confession" before and it helped little, so why do it.

I don't even know what my questions are if I have any. I know that if I want to progress I will. So i'm searching in this form and resisting the temptation to say that I don't know. The problem is often rather that I do know, or at least think I do. And as I think, it is.

I guess my problem is that I am confused. I write a sentence to describe what my problem is and it gets shot down immediately by myself as false. And if I try to get into it, it's just the same standard problem everybody has heard of and some dealt with. It's nothing new. And most times I get the popular standard nonsense advice that tells me that they did not listen to what I said or cannot understand it. I don't blame them for this of course, I know people does what they think is best in every situation. Now that conclusion may be wrong but their intention is always good. The bottom line is I need help but I feel like I have reached a level that few can help me with. (this does not include the practical advice on dating women and game, but rather the philosophy behind) It sounds incredibly arrogant when I write it, but it is what I think. The thing is I exclude very little. If I hear an idea that I respond to I get curious and try to make it fit the other ideas I have implemented. This means, to bring it to a extreme extent, that I view what seems bad or evil as having a positive flip side. It is the perfect excuse and the perfect rationalization to any wrong decision I or anyone else would make. I see it as a genius move because I have until now been very harsh in my judgment/demanding. Mostly of myself, but these things can't help but spill over in my relationships I imagine. This way I won't have to deal with criticism. My defense is rock solid, or so I imagine. As long as we discuss things on a mental plane, once we get specific though I struggle.

I don't know what I want - "just pick something" right?
Nothing has meaning so it doesn't really matter, except to you and the ones involved in your decision.

Rollo says spin plates. (I assume you all know of this concept) And I would love to do that. But I would love to not do it even more. Why? Because the plates will not be spun optimally. I will doubt myself. I would have to challenge myself so much more than I do at the moment. "I'm too beta" I tell myself. They will devour me if I let them. The toxic girls are out there, and if I find them I am screwed. (and not in the good way) If I were to say this to a generalized person I would think I would get this response: "Don't think that way, that is negative thinking". But you do get the women you deserve. If I struggle to keep my frame how can I expect to spin quality women. Spinning plates is not doctrine in church, at least not the churches I used to attend. So I also have some programming to re-wire.

One other consequence of who I have been is that I have few guy friends as mentioned, and those I have I would characterize as beta, as I would characterize myself. Although not as much as most of my friends. I guess looking back that it makes sense. Raised by a single mother, christian background. I was a bit of a Don Juan when I was little, and I would say that I am attractive above average. Skinny but working on it. Went from 150 lbs to 170 lbs. (6foot2)
People suspect i could be gay and I do get asked why I don't have a girlfriend.
Why don't I? Because I don't want a girlfriend, and it's not because i'm gay, like that is the only two options in the world. Why don't I want a girlfriend? For my purposes I lump girlfriend and dating in the same category. I think it for me steals time from self-improvement. I don't trust myself to keep my frame in a relationship lasting more than three dates.
Also i'm having some trouble with embracing my sexuality. Shocker right considering my background. On my worst I was a sexless drone, at my own choosing. My god! It's not that bad now, but i'm not consistent. The moral side of me pops out now and again, especially in a formal setting. That is a problem sometimes. I have some attractive colleagues ..

That should do it for now.

Sincerely
Bang - Aspiring DJ
 

fastlife

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Here it is (and all of this is from a place of love):

  • You're very much stuck in your head & attached to your thoughts. There is value to this, but YOUR THOUGHTS ARE NOT THAT UNIQUE!!! The joy of reading fiction is that the character/authors are thinking the same thoughts you do. You're accomplishing absolutely nothing by rethinking them.
  • You are not who you think you are. Right now, all of your actions/thoughts/feelings are adaptations you made as a kid in order to get approval from the adults around you. Of course, you make small adjustments along the way, but you're still following a script that was written before you ever had a control of a pen. You simply haven't experienced enough life to know who you are.
  • You need sex. There's a huge thread of cognitive dissonance interwoven in this thread.
  • Being a nice guy has no value if it's fake. You can only truly be nice from a place of genuineness--and you can only be genuine when all of your needs are already met.
  • You don't trust yourself because you haven't tested yourself--you've lived in your heads where all you have are abstracts and hypotheticals.
  • The process of reinventing yourself is painful at first, but ultimately relieving--you'll get to a point when you can choose exactly who you are from a more informed place.
If you choose not to make changes, I won't judge you, life will go on. It's your life. If you can look in the mirror and say you're 100% happy and true to yourself, then carry on. But if you're gonna change it, don't half azz it.

Highly recommend The Book of Pook. Think this will really speak to you. Start here.

Begin a meditation routine. I go in depth on it here. It will help you get out of your head.

Read through YaReally's Scray Field Reports in order, paying attention to the dates. Just a warning--YaReally's gonna be super out there for you, but approach it with an open mind and, most importantly, practice his advice. Read one, go out and try it.

I won't pretend this will be easy, but the above is pretty much what I had to work from. Literally, everything you need is right here, for free. But it will ultimately come down to what you do with it. But at least now you're making an informed choice--and what happens from here on out is your responsibility.
 

Bang

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Thank you for your feedback and recommendations Fastlife.

I really want to evolve and truly become better. So I appreciate your honesty.
 

Grewd

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You're a prisoner of your own mind. Been there, done that, not ever going back.

I used to be like you, overthinking the sh!t out of life. I have even been through many of the same thoughts as you. It was the beginning of the end to that when I read The Book of Pook and a pickup book from my country (Norway). It became abundantly clear that my excessive thinking was keeping me away from ACTUALLY living life, it was worthless to think that much.

More knowledge as you have discovered makes it all less clear. You don't need more knowledge at the moment, you need more experience. You need to put down your reading material, suppress your thoughts and force yourself to take action. You don't need friends, you can go out alone. It WILL be awkward, you WILL be rejected and you WILL NOT at all feel comfortable with doing it. Know that and you may actually take comfort in seeing your expectations being true.

In any case, reading more about this and thinking more about this will not take you anywhere. It is a waste of time at this point and you will not progress without experience, you need to physically go out there and take action. NO EXCUSES! Make that a hard rule!

As you gain experience it will all become clearer, I can promise you that. The knowledge you have gathered will gradually make more sense, it will eventually all fall into place and be crystal clear. This can ONLY come from personal experience, no book or thought can EVER replace experience.

I very much agree with the diagnosis by @fastlife, but don't read the stuff he posted or sit down to meditate. Stop postponing the inevitable and throw yourself into life, put yourself in situations that doesn't allow you to spend a century thinking before acting. It will force you into the moment, it will make you feel alive and you will get addicted to it.
 

fastlife

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I very much agree with the diagnosis by @fastlife, but don't read the stuff he posted or sit down to meditate. Stop postponing the inevitable and throw yourself into life, put yourself in situations that doesn't allow you to spend a century thinking before acting. It will force you into the moment, it will make you feel alive and you will get addicted to it.
That's like saying, "Just go fix the car but don't look at the repair manuals!" to someone who's never worked on cars before.

With all due respect to our friend here, it sounds like he's starting off from a shakier foundation than some of us were. Sending him out there with nothing to A.) Tell him what to do and B.) Help him interpret his results, is a recipe for failure. Notice in my post, I made it very clear he'd still have to take action. Just helping him figure out what actions to take.
 

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RickTheToad

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Reminds me of this video someone posted months ago. It's funny as fvck; but regretfully true with the mass majority of modern males.

 

Grewd

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That's like saying, "Just go fix the car but don't look at the repair manuals!" to someone who's never worked on cars before.

With all due respect to our friend here, it sounds like he's starting off from a shakier foundation than some of us were. Sending him out there with nothing to A.) Tell him what to do and B.) Help him interpret his results, is a recipe for failure. Notice in my post, I made it very clear he'd still have to take action. Just helping him figure out what actions to take.
From how I read his post he has been reading and thinking about self-improvement for a very long time. Sure, he doesn't have to completely stop reading, but I think at this stage he'd have more to gain by taking action. Maybe 80% action and 20% reading/thinking.
 

Bang

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You're a prisoner of your own mind. Been there, done that, not ever going back.

I used to be like you, overthinking the sh!t out of life. I have even been through many of the same thoughts as you. It was the beginning of the end to that when I read The Book of Pook and a pickup book from my country (Norway). It became abundantly clear that my excessive thinking was keeping me away from ACTUALLY living life, it was worthless to think that much.

More knowledge as you have discovered makes it all less clear. You don't need more knowledge at the moment, you need more experience. You need to put down your reading material, suppress your thoughts and force yourself to take action. You don't need friends, you can go out alone. It WILL be awkward, you WILL be rejected and you WILL NOT at all feel comfortable with doing it. Know that and you may actually take comfort in seeing your expectations being true.

In any case, reading more about this and thinking more about this will not take you anywhere. It is a waste of time at this point and you will not progress without experience, you need to physically go out there and take action. NO EXCUSES! Make that a hard rule!

As you gain experience it will all become clearer, I can promise you that. The knowledge you have gathered will gradually make more sense, it will eventually all fall into place and be crystal clear. This can ONLY come from personal experience, no book or thought can EVER replace experience.

I very much agree with the diagnosis by @fastlife, but don't read the stuff he posted or sit down to meditate. Stop postponing the inevitable and throw yourself into life, put yourself in situations that doesn't allow you to spend a century thinking before acting. It will force you into the moment, it will make you feel alive and you will get addicted to it.
Hey!

Thanks for your feedback. I am curious, what book did you read from Norway? I am also from Norway actually. Great to hear I am not "alone" in here. In your experience, is there anything in the dating world that is especially important here as compared to other countries?

I agree with both you and fastlife that I need to get out of my head, ironically I just seem to want to use my head to do that.

I have actually just signed up for improv, I think that will be a good start. And I still feel like I need some kind of plan, but I will definitely put myself out there more. Where did you start when you were where I am now if I could ask you that? What did you do/decide etc.
 

Grewd

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Thanks for your feedback. I am curious, what book did you read from Norway?
Gode vibber, sjekkeskolen. It's not too long and the point is to go out to take action

In your experience, is there anything in the dating world that is especially important here as compared to other countries?
Yes! I've been here a while and American tactics doesn't work that well here in Norway. Women aren't that b!tchy here, you don't have to be as extreme as they need to be. If anything it will hurt your game because they'll see through it.

Where did you start when you were where I am now if I could ask you that? What did you do/decide etc.
I had a realization. It had been the Nth time I had been rejected and I realized the problem was myself. I started to unravel my mind and saw that I was going about it way more complicated than I had to. Hard to explain.

Where in Norway do you live? I live in Kristiansand.
 

Man2Planet

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Fastlife has made some good recommendations. 'The Book of Pook' is a great read. Pook has wrote it from a 3rd person perspective with Pook being the main protagonist and 'Woman' as a character in his stories.

All 3 books of 'The Rational Male' are a must read for any man who is rethinking his life strategies.

Meditation is excellent. I meditate in the morning and of an evening. It clears your mind.

Being a good guy is no bad thing but it has to come from what is genuine. You are not a good guy to impress any external source, especially women, except your self. Be selfless because that is who you are. Trust but verify. Use this Russian proverb with women because we all know the 'medium is the messege'

Stoic Philosophy. Study it and live by it through action.

Get the gym. An oldy but very good for your confidence and your physical and mental well-being.

It is all baby steps but as long as you are taking action, little by little, every day and making progress in moving forward with your life, you cannot go wrong. Sometimes you feel you are taking 2 steps backwards but just keep going. One foot in front of the other.
 

Bang

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Gode vibber, sjekkeskolen. It's not too long and the point is to go out to take action


Yes! I've been here a while and American tactics doesn't work that well here in Norway. Women aren't that b!tchy here, you don't have to be as extreme as they need to be. If anything it will hurt your game because they'll see through it.


I had a realization. It had been the Nth time I had been rejected and I realized the problem was myself. I started to unravel my mind and saw that I was going about it way more complicated than I had to. Hard to explain.

Where in Norway do you live? I live in Kristiansand.
I currently live in Oslo.
Great, I'll definitely check out that book for some tips.

I love those realizations, they are real game-changers. I believe we limit ourselves way more than we need to, and we are efficient in making the supposed limitation real.
 

Grewd

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I love those realizations, they are real game-changers. I believe we limit ourselves way more than we need to, and we are efficient in making the supposed limitation real.
Your belief is correct, at least it held true for me. I chose to ignore my self imposed limitations, give things a chance even though I'd thought an idea could never work. Of course not everything worked, but often enough I proved myself wrong and got results I didn't expect. Those limitations won't do anything other than limit your experience, it will probably keep the bad experiences away just fine but it will take a deep cut into the good ones too. I think it's the bad parts we wish to avoid, what makes us fear and why we limit ourselves. Few things are so bad that we can't just swiftly handle it if it occurs though.
 
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