Reconnecting with an old plate

[Heisenberg]

Not talking about an ex-girlfriend, which I feel is always a bad idea. I'm talking about a girl you used to date and it kind of just faded away. Not on negative terms. Could pick up where you left off and still have a good time. Has anyone reached out to these girls after 6-12 months?

Backstory
I think a lot about going out with this old plate again. We had a ton of fun but after 5-6 months I wanted to either get serious or move on. At this phase of my life I don't like being in that perpetual grey area where you're dating, not seeing anyone else, but not officially exclusive, you know? So she never asked about our situation, which would normally cue me to go distant/fade away as I subscribe to the girl needing to ask what's up first. She didn't but I knew my frame was strong enough to be able to tell her what I wanted and see if she could comply with that. She felt she's too selfish for a relationship (mid-twenties) but wanted to continue to hang and bang and not see anyone else. I stopped calling her. She didn't call. Faded away peacefully. We've exchanged the odd text and it's been friendly and positive, we're both pretty chill, but no attempts on either end to hang out.

What's next?
I'm not one to waste time on broken plates, I've seen many girls since and am still spinning a couple, I guess I'm just not sure if that plate is broken. She was a 9/10 in terms of what I look for in a woman. The 1/10 missing was that she wasn't keen on doing an LTR at this point in her life. If that were to flip, she'd be a 10 and I'd be a happy Heisenberg. I'd be interested to give it another go. Maybe it'd only last 5-6 months again, but they'd be a good 5-6 months. Two things come to mind: 1. When I've successfully reconnected with girls in the past, I'd significantly improved myself since the last round. I'd say I'm in about the same place as last time I was with this girl. 2. Bit concerned me trying to get things going again immediately gives up my frame. I told her what I wanted, she couldn't give it, I walked away. I know she respects that. If I am now saying that I'm willing to settle for what she wants, I'm immediately living in her frame. Can't imagine that's attractive.

If this were someone else's post I'd probably tell them to forget it, go find some other girls. Well, I have found other girls. But as I mentioned, the old plate is a 9/10. I'd say I've dated a lot of 6s and 7s. Either very attractive but not a good match personality wise, or vice versa. Old plate was a total package in a lot of ways and I know how rare that is to find.

 

[Heisenberg]

I've reconnected with several over the years. One of them I re-connected with after 6 years.

Can definitely be done and I'm amazed that the attraction usually re-surfaces in the exact way that I initially fancied them. Kind of like riding a bike.

Hey Espi. What was that like? Did you drop them a line out of the blue and invite them out? I imagine once you get the bike moving again it's easy. I find hopping back on the bike a bit more daunting: "Does she think I'm texting her out of the blue because I'm desperate and out of options?" "Is she seeing somebody else now and, when she rebuffs me, she's now also lost some respect and attraction for me? Not to speak of my own feelings about my dignity."

 

[hudpes]

I reconnected too, over a period of 7 years. Just like espi says, it's like riding a bike, funny that. Also, it ended badly for me, so I'm not a big fan of reconnecting. Heisenberg, I'm actually a bit surprised how spot on your thinking is, however...

This "too selfish for a relationship (mid-twenties) but wanted to continue to hang and bang and not see anyone else." Indicates two things, one, she wants to explore the field and two, she didn't want you badly enough to forget about the field.

I talked to a 16 year old girl, a daughter of a friend of mine (I'm 35) so at one point I asked her if she had a boyfriend, and she said no, I don't and I don't feel like having one. (Why?) I'm still young, there's a lot for me to try...

See, she realizes where she is, and this is mature thinking for a 16 year old. A 25 year old wanting to explore the field, **** a few guys, before actually deciding - now I'm gonna go and find the one to settle with - is just silly. Banging a dude for months she sorta likes but doesn't care if he ever shows up again or not, now that's a red flag the size of Russia.

In your mind, you are making her special, while she is completely ordinary. Forget the 9/10 thing, the whole package thing. She's one in 7 billion. Just like everybody else. If you think she is special, you are putting yourself out of balance, you surrender your power to her. Do you want to get hurt? Because this is how you get hurt.

 

[Zarky]

I've almost never had any luck reconnecting with old girlfriend, fu*ck buddy, ONS, lover, fling, or anything like that. And I have a lot of exes which span all of those categories. And I've tried on multiple occasions.

I'd be curious to know what happens.

 

[Heisenberg]

In your mind, you are making her special, while she is completely ordinary. Forget the 9/10 thing, the whole package thing. She's one in 7 billion. Just like everybody else. If you think she is special, you are putting yourself out of balance, you surrender your power to her. Do you want to get hurt? Because this is how you get hurt.

Thanks for your reply, hudpes. Can't say I disagree with you. I don't think I'd even be contemplating this if I had an abundance mentality at the moment. But, like I said, I've just been fed up with the quality of girl I've been dating lately.

As hudpes wrote, though, the re-connect was short lived. It didn't end well. I started developing oneitis and decided to disappear when she invited me to live with her in Costa Rica (she was in the process of building a home and retiring there). Plus I noticed that she was kind of jaded because she had been mugged in 2008 and was really into guns--which I don't like.

I wouldn't worry about what they think, though. They might be wondering about you too.

Yeah, I'm usually of the belief that if it didn't work the first time there was a reason. The truly happy and in love couples seemed to get it right the first time. I also believe there are exceptions, and I'm trying to convince myself I'm one of them. Haha.

I've almost never had any luck reconnecting with old girlfriend, fu*ck buddy, ONS, lover, fling, or anything like that. And I have a lot of exes which span all of those categories. And I've tried on multiple occasions.

I'd be curious to know what happens.

My current thinking, Zarky, is to not pursue at the moment. What hudpes wrote really spoke true to me. I really only want to be with girls who are dying to be with me.

Her and I both live in the same neighborhood downtown, so it's possible we'll bump into each other some day. If that happens, I'll let it do whatever it does. I don't know if reaching out to someone who didn't meet my standards, expecting something has changed just because I've decided the time is convenient for me, is a smart move, as the above posters are reminding me.

 

[Desdinova]

Reconnecting with an old plate is usually not worth it. The reasons that plate spun off the table and broke still exist - usually because it was low quality 5hit.