Reconnecting w/ a girl you've nexted

[TheCWord]

Hi SS - long time reader, first time writer,

Will try to make this an easy read, I know these stories can sometimes get a little long and blocky.

I realize my post flies in the face of the very meaning of NEXTing, but since the girl we're talking about is definite ideal mate material and a bit different from the "banging three other ****s" types frequently discussed on here, I thought I'd put this out there.

THE GIRL:
-Nerdy, awkward, quiet, creative, brilliant, works in same field I do. Perhaps not a virgin but close. No other guys on the go, she works on her craft or takes care of her dog 24/7.

THE ORIGIN:
-Work with girl for eight months. Drive to/from work together every day and become quite close.
-The contract comes to an end for both of us and I take a job offer that'll keep me out of town for months. My last night in town we share a cab home from a company party and we finally kiss.

THE PAST:
-Since that kiss I moved away and missed her instantly - it's hard going from talking and laughing with someone every day to never seeing them. I tried to keep texting going but she's always slow to reply/no reply.
-The above frustrates me but I come home for Thanksgiving and we hang out. It's nice and in the end she volunteers that just because she's bad at texting, doesn't mean she doesn't think about me constantly. Sweet.
-Despite that, I go away for work again and the contact is still limited. I come home for a week in November and we have our first proper date. Fancy dinner and back to her place for making out.
-This is where she drops the hint that she can't be with someone when they're not around a lot - even though I had expressed my willingness to make it work, coming home often, etc. I hit a low that night and acted AFC-y for sure, but managed to recover, back off a bit while I was away until Christmas, and she texted me a bit and we ended up having a great time over a couple pre-Christmas evenings. Exchanging gifts, etc.

THE NEXTing:
-I go visit family for a few days at Christmas and then come back, a week left at home before I have to go back out for work. I invite her over, she asks for a rain check. I invite her to my new years plans but she has her own with old friends she never gets to see. Fair, but I start to back off and not text her for a few days. I invite her out for a drink midweek but she says she's busy working. I don't contact her at all and my last weekend in town comes up - she sends me a text about a TV show. I invite her out for a drink that night, my last in town, and she apologizes but says she's doing a board game night with friends already.
-So that was it for me. It hurt being away from home and missing her every day, it hurt even more actually being home and still missing her because she was making no effort to hang. I deleted her off facebook, everything. At the time I felt like I had to move on and had to cut her out completely and just stop thinking about her.
-It took her a few weeks to notice (or to say something) but she texted me that she noticed I unfriended her on facebook and that she "doesn't get" me. (....SHE doesn't get ME!??!)

THE PRESENT:
-The whole idea behind the nexting was to move on and stop thinking about her, but I still do every day. I most assuredly have oneitis, no doubt, but we were such a good match and this girl is so shy and awkward (in a good way) that it was always going to take Confident Persistence to get it done... and with the distance thing, it was made more complicated.
-I am home again for a week, departing for work again until the contract is up in the fall (with the occasional trip home) and wrestling with the idea of reaching out to her.
-For a long time I felt like the only chance a future relationship for her and I would have is that if she initiated contact again rather than me still being the one doing all the work. At the same time, this is a classically indecisive girl who I wouldn't necessarily trust to make that leap and reach out even if she wanted to. She's very much an independent "womYn" which I find sexy.

THE FUTURE:
-????
-You tell me. I can anticipate the responses, but I'm particularly interested to hear from guys around my age group, closing in on 30, who are at a point in their lives where they're less interested in plate spinning and more interested in finding the right woman and not letting old DJ or PUA or whatever habits screwing something up with a potential ideal mate.

You'll have to forgive me any hopeless romanticism contained in this post - her and I both work in a creative/artsy field, so we're kind of prone to it

 

[Bokanovsky]

THE FUTURE:
-????
-You tell me. I can anticipate the responses, but I'm particularly interested to hear from guys around my age group, closing in on 30, who are at a point in their lives where they're less interested in plate spinning and more interested in finding the right woman and not letting old DJ or PUA or whatever habits screwing something up with a potential ideal mate.

The future has two distinct possibilities:

1) You will finally move on with your life and accept the inevitability that there will never be anything between you and this weird broad; and

2) You will continue getting consumed by your oneitis and become even more AFC.

My bet is on number 2, though it's not a foregone conclusion. It is possible that you will start thinking clearly and realize that there is no such thing as "being bad with texting". It is also possible that, by some miracle, you will understand that a girl who is interested in you will not turn down your invitations five times in a row. And there's always a glimmer of hope that one day, you will start judging women by their actions, not their words.

 

[MascaraSnake]

I've texted girls months after giving up on them - I had no agenda, I just wanted to see what would happen because I was bored.

If you text a girl after you're done with her, don't expect anything or try to "reopen the relationship" or "give her another chance".

 

[TheCWord]

@Bok: you're speaking my language - keeping it real, but not kicking the **** out of me I particularly like your point about actions speaking louder than words... It's something I don't pay enough attention to - always lost in over analyzing the words....

@Mascara: Yeah, I hear ya - I worry if I were to contact her I'd be doing so with expectations. It's not healthy for sure, still can't help but feel that itch to reach out, even though the greater part of me wants to wait and see if she ever initiates contact again. At least then I'd know if she gave a ****. But Chump-side of me is close to blowing that, I can feel it.

 

[bigneil]

The odds of getting a girl back after you next her are slim.

The reason is that women don't want guys who they think might abandon them. Once you truly reject her, you can't go back in most cases.

This is especially true if you never had sex with her.

 

[TheCWord]

The odds of getting a girl back after you next her are slim.

The reason is that women don't want guys who they think might abandon them. Once you truly reject her, you can't go back in most cases.

This is especially true if you never had sex with her.

Shall I begin spinning into a whirlpool of regret over nexting her then? :\

 

[VladPatton]

Keep staying ghost. You dragged this out waaaaay tooooo loooong. You are in a weird area of the Friend Zone with this one. Don't be in love with the idea of a perfect mate while overlooking obvious faults in front of your eyes. I don't care how artistic or brilliant she is at work, her social/personal life is in it's infancy at best.

Those hang out refusals were a slap in the face for you. Go with your initial decision and keep the no contact. I don't see why you would keep trying with a girl that is not that into you. I almost always isn't worth it, don't let Hollywood chick-flicks cloud your reality.

Delete her number and move on to better girls that like to go out, have fun, bang, and are a general good time.....you'll wanna punch yourself in the balls for having oneitis!

 

[Lord Hypnos]

wow seriously dude, you drove her to work everyday for eight months, and you didn't make a move until your last day in town ?

if you are still obsessing about a girl you only kissed once or twice, never had sex or a relationship with, then you have serious issues my friend.

please don't fool yourself into thinking that she is not banging other dudes, and instead is waiting for you to re-initiate contact.

Take a step back and re-evaluate why you are so needy and desperate with this girl. make some new friends, get a new hobby, do something to keep your mind preoccupied, instead of reflecting on your AFC past.

 

[Vidrio]

She's not interested In you at all bro. Not only does she not respond to your texts(her "being bad at texting" excuse is bs), but she also turns you down for a hangout 5 times with not a SINGLE counter-offer. Go NC and don't respond to anything she sends you. Also, this image you have of her as some awkward shy innocent girl who's only had sex with a guy or two is just that, an image. Trust me, she's out here doing exactly what these other girls are doing.

 

[TheCWord]

@Vlad: Your words are good for the soul, especially when this soul is precariously close to sending a text and doing something that is really not good for itself.

I guess - stop me if you've heard this one before - I get hung up on the times that we would make out and say lovely things to each other... And that "I don't get you" text that implies she didn't just want me to go away and she was shocked/offended by the sudden disconnect. But then, when we weren't in the same room, her actions were those of someone who couldn't be bothered, though it seemed very intimate when we were together. Inconsistency City! Would be easier if she always acted like she had no interest, rather than being so hot and cold.

I get really frustrated when I don't have answers and a clear understanding of something. With this girl everything was just so confusing and I went no contact before asking her what was going on between us. I could just never bring myself to be that guy who asked that question... I'd been emasculated enough, no need to full-on castrate.

 

[plate's_empty]

-I go visit family for a few days at Christmas and then come back, a week left at home before I have to go back out for work. I invite her over, she asks for a rain check. I invite her to my new years plans but she has her own with old friends she never gets to see. Fair, but I start to back off and not text her for a few days. I invite her out for a drink midweek but she says she's busy working. I don't contact her at all and my last weekend in town comes up - she sends me a text about a TV show. I invite her out for a drink that night, my last in town, and she apologizes but says she's doing a board game night with friends already.

Wow dude, that hurt just reading it. I feel ya man, you want to see her. Plain and simple. Even if she wasn't interested in you she should have had the least amount of respect and came and saw you. Given you a face to face explanation (which would have been BS anyways). But at least it would have been something. Every time you think about her, re-read what you just wrote. She's cold. I like at the end how she tried to throw that **** back on you too...."I don't get you" classic. She's dumb, she would make a horrible girlfriend/wife, even if you were able to make something happen.

 

[Who Dares Win]

Op first of all I perfectly understand how you feel and what comes in your head, In in my late 20s and had many cases like yours.

First of all if you nexted such girl, you did it because you had a strong reason to do it and that reason was that not only she was uninsterested in you but she also didnt respect you enough to bother to do something fair for you.

You decided to cut her because she wasnt giving you what you wanted while at the same time she was sucking what she wanted from you, your time and company which meant ego trip and validation, she was using you and dont believe she didnt know what you wanted from her.

Now do you believe that its gonna make any difference to make an attempt to contact her again? did you chance so much that your value skyrocketed not only to have her interested but to compensate your previous record with her?

If the answer is yes then go ahead and try but if you didnt built 10 kgs of muscle and you're not sitting at a single digit bodyfat while running your millionaire enterpraise, I suggest you to let it go for your own well being.

If you REALLY like this girl just put her in stand-by for few years, hit her up when she will be 35 and she will be more than glad to have you back...then you will pump and dump her untill you find peace of mind...they no longer look so magic once you shove your c0ck inside them.

Or better yet move on, chase other girls and enjoy life, again I happened to have your same problem and let me assure you how a new girl that you like in your life will make all the other disappear, oneitis go hand in hand with solitude.

ps. bluffs on women dont work, they can smell weakness on them when they happen in the broken no contact form.

 

[TheCWord]

There are a lot of good responses here. Glad to see so many smart, positive comments in my first post.

@Who Dares: Thanks, man - that's really encouraging. It's always good hearing from someone who's been there. And you're right - I made the choice to cut her because I felt like it was about time I did something for me. In fact, in terms of women I've been infatuated with, this is the first time I've ever pulled the plug. Normally I hang on until it goes down in flames.

At the time I actually felt pretty good - I thought that if I could walk away from this girl, who I was convinced would be the perfect mate for me, then I'd be able to walk away from any situation in the future that was negatively affecting my self worth.

I guess, months later, it's harder than I expected :\

 

[TheCWord]

ps. bluffs on women dont work, they can smell weakness on them when they happen in the broken no contact form.

I think that's the worst part of my thinking right now... If I were to send her a text or whatever, it takes the big, difficult decision I made to next her and turns it into a giant bluff. I wouldn't expect any girl to respect that.

 

[plate's_empty]

I think that's the worst part of my thinking right now... If I were to send her a text or whatever, it takes the big, difficult decision I made to next her and turns it into a giant bluff. I wouldn't expect any girl to respect that.

Seriously, a light just got turned on for me, I've dealt with this **** many times.

You ditch her, she starts thinking about you. You know she's thinking about you, like you hoped. So....you drop her a line. And BOOM...she loses all respect for you because she realizes you're a wuss. She now has you totally out of her system and can move on.

 

[TheCWord]

Glad to have cued up that light, plate. I find that reading posts on here help lights go on for me as well. Even things I write on here myself - it's like I already know the answers, but something about writing it down and getting feedback from you guys that makes it carry more weight.

 

[VladPatton]

@Vlad: Your words are good for the soul, especially when this soul is precariously close to sending a text and doing something that is really not good for itself.

I guess - stop me if you've heard this one before - I get hung up on the times that we would make out and say lovely things to each other... And that "I don't get you" text that implies she didn't just want me to go away and she was shocked/offended by the sudden disconnect. But then, when we weren't in the same room, her actions were those of someone who couldn't be bothered, though it seemed very intimate when we were together. Inconsistency City! Would be easier if she always acted like she had no interest, rather than being so hot and cold.

I get really frustrated when I don't have answers and a clear understanding of something. With this girl everything was just so confusing and I went no contact before asking her what was going on between us. I could just never bring myself to be that guy who asked that question... I'd been emasculated enough, no need to full-on castrate.

But it is very simple! Hot and cold temperaments equals low interest. A girl who wants you will make it clear as day with orange cones and flashing strobes.

 

[TheCWord]

But it is very simple! Hot and cold temperaments equals low interest. A girl who wants you will make it clear as day with orange cones and flashing strobes.

Quoted for truth