Reconciliation after half a year?

[tomato]

She would do it herself if she liked you, she knows who you are.

But you could say the same about any girl - its like expecting girls to open you and not bothering - I realise this is different - but do you see what I mean? Its not a totally crazy idea to ping is it? although I am very reluctant to after my large dose of chasing frame and ignored texts.........

 

[Jariel]

thanks for this input - I can see how you are right! How did you meet them after a year? It seems a little unlikely that you wouldnt see them for a whole year and then coincidentally they show up>

Well one of them added me to Facebook and we got chatting on there before arranging to meet. Another ex was friends with a mutual friend and we ran into each other during a social meet up at christmas.

It was actually really nice seeing them after the long break. The time apart allowed all those negative feelings to settle and for us to gain perspective. The one ex had really screwed with my head at the time and hurt me really badly, but when we saw each other it was all water under the bridge. We both discussed how childish we had been and laughed it off. We were fvck buddies for a while and a few years on we are still friends and catch up for a drink now and again.

 

[bigneil]

When things start to go south in a relationship, it's critical to pull the plug and cut off contact so that you don't tarnish the memory of the good times.

Let's say you dated for a year and it was great, then there was a month of breakup and you held on for another month. So there were 2 bad months and 12 good months (14% bad, 86% good). If you hang on for another month it's 3 bad months, 12 good months (20% bad, 80% good).

If you get out when it's still 90% positive you are in good shape for when they think about you 6 to 12 months later.

 

[bigneil]

A lot of people say NC for 3-4 weeks works, but it doesn't. Your feelings will be at an all-time high, and hers likely won't. Then you'll lose your one chance because going NC the second time loses the effect.

You need to completely reboot the relationship, meaning ending it - maybe forever. Usually when you get in touch much later they are really cool.

 

[drellum]

A lot of people say NC for 3-4 weeks works, but it doesn't. Your feelings will be at an all-time high, and hers likely won't. Then you'll lose your one chance because going NC the second time loses the effect.

You need to completely reboot the relationship, meaning ending it - maybe forever. Usually when you get in touch much later they are really cool.

Big neil:

Yeah, I think you are spot on here.
3-4 weeks of NC????? There is no point! The mindset cannot be changed in this time.

I like your analogy of rebooting or reformatting. almost like a complete cleanse before being able to start again!

6 months is an absolute minimum and probably more like 12 months.

I'm almost 3 months into NC now and I will not make contact now until her birthday in mid December.

D

 

[bigneil]

Here is a great quote from a new article on this (from part 2 of 4):

"RIDE OUT THE STORM

How long do you wait for your ex to get in touch with you? Forever. You do not under any circumstances initiate contact with her. It could take 2 months, or it could take 2 years, there is no timetable.

I like to think of it like this. Every time you text her, you’re delaying reconciliation by 4 months. So if you text her 3 times, then you’re looking at a years sentence. The fact is that you need her to remember you in a good light, you need her to miss you, you need to let all the bad times wash themselves away in her head. Time will heal this ****, bad memories fade away, and only the good ones remain. It’s human nature, but if you’re always there bugging her, then you severely delay or nullify this process. Be very careful, this is the killer.

DOES SHE MISS ME, DOES SHE THINK ABOUT ME

The short answer to this is yes. You guys spent a long, long time together. She will never be able to erase you. You shared a connection that she will share with only a handful of guys in her entire life. There truly is an unbreakable bond that you 2 have, you can’t just turn that off like a light switch.

So if you lay awake at night thinking to yourself that she hates you, and that she’s completely forgotten about you; think again. No matter how you broke up, you will have a lasting impact on her life. In a small way you have shaped her life. Someone can’t just forget that, even if they tried."

http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-one/
http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-two/
http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-three/
http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-four/

 

[drellum]

Here is a great quote from a new article on this (from part 2 of 4):

"RIDE OUT THE STORM

How long do you wait for your ex to get in touch with you? Forever. You do not under any circumstances initiate contact with her. It could take 2 months, or it could take 2 years, there is no timetable.

I like to think of it like this. Every time you text her, you’re delaying reconciliation by 4 months. So if you text her 3 times, then you’re looking at a years sentence. The fact is that you need her to remember you in a good light, you need her to miss you, you need to let all the bad times wash themselves away in her head. Time will heal this ****, bad memories fade away, and only the good ones remain. It’s human nature, but if you’re always there bugging her, then you severely delay or nullify this process. Be very careful, this is the killer.

DOES SHE MISS ME, DOES SHE THINK ABOUT ME

The short answer to this is yes. You guys spent a long, long time together. She will never be able to erase you. You shared a connection that she will share with only a handful of guys in her entire life. There truly is an unbreakable bond that you 2 have, you can’t just turn that off like a light switch.

So if you lay awake at night thinking to yourself that she hates you, and that she’s completely forgotten about you; think again. No matter how you broke up, you will have a lasting impact on her life. In a small way you have shaped her life. Someone can’t just forget that, even if they tried."

http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-one/
http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-two/
http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-three/
http://slaytheday.com/how-to-get-your-ex-girlfriend-back-phase-four/

Good post!
I think that will give a lot of guys here some peace of mind!
Everybody, post breakup, has that "does she miss me" thought which really is torture!

 

[bigneil]

Here's another good quote I found:

"Did you ever do NC (I mean for longer than 1 month)? I'm taking it you didn't, because if you did, she probably would have been kinder to you, because she would have had more respect for you. That is what usually occurs. The longer you STICK around, the more it shows them that you lack independence and self-respect and that you can't really move on and this makes them see you with more contempt and disdain and eventually they tend to lose all respect, interest and attraction for you.

I've seen this with my very own eyes, with several different women. The key is to live your life. YES, NC must be present for a duration of time (minimum of 2 months of absolutely NO contact WHATSOEVER). This tends to make the dumper miss you and appreciate you more. Once they have more respect for you, then you can create attraction. Without respect, it is doomed to fail and I am assuming this is what occurred with you and your ex. I just call it as I see it (been there and done that)."

 

[drellum]

Here's another good quote I found:

"Did you ever do NC (I mean for longer than 1 month)? I'm taking it you didn't, because if you did, she probably would have been kinder to you, because she would have had more respect for you. That is what usually occurs. The longer you STICK around, the more it shows them that you lack independence and self-respect and that you can't really move on and this makes them see you with more contempt and disdain and eventually they tend to lose all respect, interest and attraction for you.

I've seen this with my very own eyes, with several different women. The key is to live your life. YES, NC must be present for a duration of time (minimum of 2 months of absolutely NO contact WHATSOEVER). This tends to make the dumper miss you and appreciate you more. Once they have more respect for you, then you can create attraction. Without respect, it is doomed to fail and I am assuming this is what occurred with you and your ex. I just call it as I see it (been there and done that)."

Yeah. This is true.
I did NC for 2 months then was duped into sending a text to say I was ok. She replied and said that she respected what i was doing and she was really glad I'd contacted and glad all was ok. She said she thought about me a lot etc.....I went back into NC straight away.

I regret breaking NC.....but beware mutual "friends" playing games.

 

[tomato]

Yes, this exactly, and with that timeframe. So tomato, maybe within that timeframe you can reapproach, I dunno. I have had some very limited and short-term success reapproaching but a lot more waiting for them to do it.

Everyone tell me about their experiences of re approaching please.

I have to say my limited experience agrees with the advice on here - when they come to you and you act hesitant it works wonders - they want you again - if you initiate and are too nice - it pushes them - as the excellent posts above say - it can be a killer.

In my case it was like that - very important is to never ever hint (even a tiny bit - nothing that could be seen that way) at wanting a relationship - ever - that is the kiss of death.

I appreciate the post saying she thinks of you, I think its true, I think of how much she used to tell me about her ex at the start - and I know I have fundamentally changed her life - she never seemed to consciously admit it - but I had more of an effect on her life than her parents or teachers had in the time we were together - probably 4 years worth of parents and teachers - while she wouldnt admit it - maybe this will surface as subconscious remembering and she'll bug the next guy as much as she did me! haha

Ok so general consensus is in my case where I was talking to her but then drove her away again I should leave it for more than a month? - that will mean the whole summer......... will be almost a year post BU then after summer when she starts her next year..... problem is she cant live alone

- I think she might fall in love easily before then if I just blank her - maybe after 1.5/2 months NC I could contact her again?

thing is its a choice between the next few weeks or.... in 3 months - since she'll be going to her parents soon - and she's turned her parents against me (despite them previously loving me - this means I'm not welcome to stay with her anymore)

right now I'm thinking an email or text just incidentally mentioning something.....not sure what - any ideas? just as a last ping before she goes for another guy 100% - just a chance to keep the road open. I think its a good idea since I've changed so much and it would be a shame to waste a chance..

on the other hand if there is another guy (and she said there was) - it is a really bad idea.....

Final question: I have the chance to go on holiday for a few days to the south of france with a mature girl my age - but she is less hot than the ex - do you think this would be good or bad for jealousy etc if pics get put up etc? Also a worry of her getting attached

 

[Jariel]

A lot of people say NC for 3-4 weeks works, but it doesn't. Your feelings will be at an all-time high, and hers likely won't.

Exactly. A lot of guys go into no contact as a technique for winning her back and instead of moving forward and developing the right mindset to attract her again, they basically count down the days until they should re-contact her.

Of course it's going to fail!

The reason no contact succeeds is because it gives you time to put things in perspective, get control of your emotions and stop being that needy and pathetic guy she wanted out of her life.

 

[konmai]

only take her back as an fb, nothing more. why do guys even want theirs exes back? they're your ex for a reason.

 

[bigneil]

I don't think it's a matter of ex or not ex. That implies that there was a commitment and a breach of trust. It's sometimes a matter of a woman who had high interest and you want to restore it because there was great sex.

 

[perseverance]

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein.

I've tried to get back with an ex before and all that did was show me why it never worked out for the long-term the first time around. It's totally futile and I would advise people to stay away.

 

[incognito42]

I had a fwb situation goin on for a few months with a girl I was roommates with and worked with. I caught feelings, she backed off and wanted nothin to do with me. I cried in front of her, pleaded with her, and looked like a total pvssy. I ignored her for months, and then about 6 months later I apologized and started talking to her again. Nothin sexual, just casual and friendly. About 3 weeks into our new friendship she found out I met a couple girls at a gas station, and had other **** goin on in my life. All of a sudden she got flirty again at work and wanted to hangout and we did and I fvckedher again

Couple important things to note. I thought there was zero chance I would ever fvck this girl again after the way I ended it and i think me having that attitude helped rekindle things. Also, this girl I'm talking about gets over things fast. She doesn't dwell, and doesn't hold grudges over anything. That played in my favor in a big way

 

[konmai]

I caught feelings, she backed off and wanted nothin to do with me. I cried in front of her, pleaded with her, and looked like a total pvssy.

You know she would only want you back for the ego boost, right? Just to know she can have you back again. Better to get another girl who hasn't seen that chump side of you.