I posted a thread a couple of weeks back about a breakup with my ex. I am finding things hard at the moment, kinda lost with life and I dont know where I am going. I'd like to read some threads in here that will make me feel better can anyone recommend any?
Hello Friend,
If this is your first visit to SoSuave, I would advise you to START HERE.
It will be the most efficient use of your time.
And you will learn everything you need to know to become a huge success with women.
Thank you for visiting and have a great day!
Really struggling today with break up
- Thread starter bobafatt
- Start date
backseatjuan
Banned
You trying to fit a mental square into a mental triangle hole in your brain. The only thing that can make it better is meeting some women, right away. If you svck at it, why not go to a strip joint, get lap dances, then get a hooker.
SoSuave666
Master Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2012
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- 1,130
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- 874
I think everyone on this site has been where you are (or close) in some way or fashion. There's really no way to describe what happens when a blue pill man is broken up with by "the one" and then becomes red pill and reflects on every mistake he made in the relationship. I didn't read your story, so forgive me for the generalizations.
If you take any solace in my words it's this: it gets better. It gets better whether you go out and meet women or not. It gets better whether you focus on your job or not. It gets better whether you hit the gym or not. Time eventually will heal all wounds - every person on this website can attest to that fact. If you want to speed up your recovery, just do those things I listed: meet and bed women, focus on your job, and hit the gym.
You are in a uniquely powerful position. I remember my breakup with a BPD ex when I was still blue pill. I was so motivated (for the wrong reasons) to get in shape and attract HQ women that I dedicated almost 18 hours of each day to work and the gym. No lie. I have never felt a motivation like that in my entire life and I still haven't. All the anger, rage, etc. you have right now is finite - use it to your advantage.
In the grand scheme of things you lost ONE girl. Maybe a few friends here or there. There are roughly 3.5 billion other women to choose from. A lot of those women will find you at least somewhat desirable as long as you do the following things: take care of yourself, build your resources, and carry an abundance mindset. That's it.
Good luck.
If you take any solace in my words it's this: it gets better. It gets better whether you go out and meet women or not. It gets better whether you focus on your job or not. It gets better whether you hit the gym or not. Time eventually will heal all wounds - every person on this website can attest to that fact. If you want to speed up your recovery, just do those things I listed: meet and bed women, focus on your job, and hit the gym.
You are in a uniquely powerful position. I remember my breakup with a BPD ex when I was still blue pill. I was so motivated (for the wrong reasons) to get in shape and attract HQ women that I dedicated almost 18 hours of each day to work and the gym. No lie. I have never felt a motivation like that in my entire life and I still haven't. All the anger, rage, etc. you have right now is finite - use it to your advantage.
In the grand scheme of things you lost ONE girl. Maybe a few friends here or there. There are roughly 3.5 billion other women to choose from. A lot of those women will find you at least somewhat desirable as long as you do the following things: take care of yourself, build your resources, and carry an abundance mindset. That's it.
Good luck.
RangerMIke
Master Don Juan
If you have been in a relationship for any length of time, then it is almost a guarantee that to make this chick happy you had to give things and friends up to make her happy. Go out of your way to do the things you love... and work on your fitness. The key is to stay busy... FORCE yourself not to think about your ex-chick... the best way is to see other chicks... you are not going to want to do this but you really have to.
lamath
Master Don Juan
flowtheory
Master Don Juan
You’re in control of your thoughts. The idea of the breakup. Ideas are your tormentor right now and your steeped in loss of a woman that your romantisizing. It’s probably not reality that is burning, it’s your imagination.
I’ve been where you have. It sucks. And I found during breakups it wasn’t always that woman I missed. It was how I was. How I expressed myself and how I allowed myself to be. So with that theory in mind I realized I was choosing to create that, and that woman was simply my outlet or subject where it was appropriate. But the truth is, you just need to find an outlet that you’re able to express those held joys within you towards.
You’re lucky to be viewing this thread. This way of dealing with women and relationships. Some men never find this. They are enslaved to scarcity and dependent on woman of life to provide for them.
You’ll feel this burn for awhile more until you come back to this thread about a month from now and read it with a clearer mind. Then a lot will make sense.
First realize that YOU made mistakes in that relationship through your mindset and behaviours which ultimately lead you to a breakup. Once you start to see that it will present you with some freedom that you know you’ll be able to improve on. It’s a sharp knife to swallow but this is how you’ll learn. Invest and educate your mind in this emotionally sensitive and difficult time.
And hey! It’s 2019; perfect timing to start fresh rather than wallow. Just don’t sit around and stir in your feelings. Create some movement. You’re feeling the heaviness because you’re not in action or reflecting productively.
2019; take responsibility for ALL of your actions and reactions. Your life is the way it is because YOU created that.
I’ve been where you have. It sucks. And I found during breakups it wasn’t always that woman I missed. It was how I was. How I expressed myself and how I allowed myself to be. So with that theory in mind I realized I was choosing to create that, and that woman was simply my outlet or subject where it was appropriate. But the truth is, you just need to find an outlet that you’re able to express those held joys within you towards.
You’re lucky to be viewing this thread. This way of dealing with women and relationships. Some men never find this. They are enslaved to scarcity and dependent on woman of life to provide for them.
You’ll feel this burn for awhile more until you come back to this thread about a month from now and read it with a clearer mind. Then a lot will make sense.
First realize that YOU made mistakes in that relationship through your mindset and behaviours which ultimately lead you to a breakup. Once you start to see that it will present you with some freedom that you know you’ll be able to improve on. It’s a sharp knife to swallow but this is how you’ll learn. Invest and educate your mind in this emotionally sensitive and difficult time.
And hey! It’s 2019; perfect timing to start fresh rather than wallow. Just don’t sit around and stir in your feelings. Create some movement. You’re feeling the heaviness because you’re not in action or reflecting productively.
2019; take responsibility for ALL of your actions and reactions. Your life is the way it is because YOU created that.
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Thanks guys there's some really good advice here, it has helped me out reading this.
The first thing I did when we broke up was join a gym I have lost just over 15lbs in a month through working out and eating healthy. The weekend just gone I ended up going out with mates but got completely wrecked, havent done this in ages. This brought back alot of emotion, caught myself thinking about her alot and missing her.
The whole break up was for the best but I cant stop thinking about the good times, even if the bad ones outweighed them. I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and some days will be better then others. I just want to move on and be happy for her. She has found someone else and has gone official with someone new something that did cut deep to start off with, I was the one who ended the relationship and yet 2 months later she has found someone else. She literally went from obsessing over me keeping in contact non stop to being completely condescending almost sounding like she felt sorry for me. The guy she is with is completely nothing compared to me but hey beauty is in the eye of the beholder right?!
I just need to read back this thread when I feel down and other threads on this site. Thanks again I needed this today
The first thing I did when we broke up was join a gym I have lost just over 15lbs in a month through working out and eating healthy. The weekend just gone I ended up going out with mates but got completely wrecked, havent done this in ages. This brought back alot of emotion, caught myself thinking about her alot and missing her.
The whole break up was for the best but I cant stop thinking about the good times, even if the bad ones outweighed them. I know there is always a light at the end of the tunnel and some days will be better then others. I just want to move on and be happy for her. She has found someone else and has gone official with someone new something that did cut deep to start off with, I was the one who ended the relationship and yet 2 months later she has found someone else. She literally went from obsessing over me keeping in contact non stop to being completely condescending almost sounding like she felt sorry for me. The guy she is with is completely nothing compared to me but hey beauty is in the eye of the beholder right?!
I just need to read back this thread when I feel down and other threads on this site. Thanks again I needed this today
rAFCOliver
Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2018
- Messages
- 37
- Reaction score
- 30
Hey man, based on your most recent post, it’s similar to my situation.
I’m no expert when it comes to breakups and god it’s been a tough mental battle but I’m finding everyday gets easier. Things is, I work with my ex and I have to endure looking at her flirting consistently which is sometimes painful.
The first thing I done was accept in my head that it was over. Secondly, I realised how some of my nice guy traits, toxic behaviour was pouring out towards the end of the relationship which I’m actively changing now. That’s when I decided to end it. You have to strive to make yourself better and I’ve found my motivation to succeed is at an all time high. I’ve dwelled, stewed and got myself irate about the situation and it only makes you worse, especially if you have a heavy night on the drink on the weekend before.
I think women move on so fast as they feel the need to replicate the companionship and attention they received in the relationship which has been lost, so they rebound heavily, which I’ve personally seen with my ex.
Devote this time to you, go to the gym, learn new things, go out, be more social, work on your weaknesses and you’ll be a vastly improved man from the one you were in the relationship.
The book of Pook has helped me massively, also the two articles below:
https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...-recently-broke-up-wants-your-gf-back.207879/
https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/dealing-with-a-breakups-the-right-way.238373/
I’m no expert when it comes to breakups and god it’s been a tough mental battle but I’m finding everyday gets easier. Things is, I work with my ex and I have to endure looking at her flirting consistently which is sometimes painful.
The first thing I done was accept in my head that it was over. Secondly, I realised how some of my nice guy traits, toxic behaviour was pouring out towards the end of the relationship which I’m actively changing now. That’s when I decided to end it. You have to strive to make yourself better and I’ve found my motivation to succeed is at an all time high. I’ve dwelled, stewed and got myself irate about the situation and it only makes you worse, especially if you have a heavy night on the drink on the weekend before.
I think women move on so fast as they feel the need to replicate the companionship and attention they received in the relationship which has been lost, so they rebound heavily, which I’ve personally seen with my ex.
Devote this time to you, go to the gym, learn new things, go out, be more social, work on your weaknesses and you’ll be a vastly improved man from the one you were in the relationship.
The book of Pook has helped me massively, also the two articles below:
https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threa...-recently-broke-up-wants-your-gf-back.207879/
https://www.sosuave.net/forum/threads/dealing-with-a-breakups-the-right-way.238373/
SpanishFly
Don Juan
- Joined
- Dec 26, 2018
- Messages
- 19
- Reaction score
- 28
- Age
- 57
I felt this way about an ex once. We were together for about a year, but the relationship was both sexually and emotionally extremely intense. When we split I felt as if my world was turned upside down. I started doing other women, but I still couldn't get her out of my mind, I just wished I could be with her again. After some time, I entered a LTR with another woman, and the memories of the ex became distant and I felt indifferent towards her. Fast forward 12 years, I bumped into her one day. I was stunned; she had transformed from a sexy, attractive woman into an overweight, ugly hag with an obnoxious character. Three things dawned on me; I had dodged a bullet, fate was on my side this time, and that we should be very careful what we wish for.
The pain which you feel is very temporary. Know that it will pass. It will soon be nothing more than a distant memory. So keep on working out, look after yourself, and the rest will follow.
The pain which you feel is very temporary. Know that it will pass. It will soon be nothing more than a distant memory. So keep on working out, look after yourself, and the rest will follow.
In2theGame
Master Don Juan
Just curious, How old are you?
Anyway, If anyone can talk about breakup devastation i think I'm pretty well qualified lol so i'm going to give you advice from my own experience. What you are experiencing right now is in fact normal and you've just boarded the Breakup rollercoaster where all of your negative thoughts, Grim outlooks and emotional pains will follow you anywhere and everywhere 24 hours a day 7 days a week so you won't be able to shake it off no matter what advice we give you. I know you want to move on as soon as possible but think of it like someone fracturing their ankle, They want to walk right away but time is the only thing that can heal it properly and in this case, that's what it's going to take.
After a while you'll begin letting go of the pain, how long will that take? No one knows because everyone different. There will be times that you begin feeling better and not thinking about it as much anymore but it will still linger there when you are all alone.
For a chick to move on like that, I know how that feels. I dealt with it when my 5 year LTR broke up and Married another guy within 3 months of the breakup and I was messed up for a good 3 years emotionally and mentally. Trust me, You will get through it. its not fun but I can guarantee that it'll pass.
Anyway, If anyone can talk about breakup devastation i think I'm pretty well qualified lol so i'm going to give you advice from my own experience. What you are experiencing right now is in fact normal and you've just boarded the Breakup rollercoaster where all of your negative thoughts, Grim outlooks and emotional pains will follow you anywhere and everywhere 24 hours a day 7 days a week so you won't be able to shake it off no matter what advice we give you. I know you want to move on as soon as possible but think of it like someone fracturing their ankle, They want to walk right away but time is the only thing that can heal it properly and in this case, that's what it's going to take.
After a while you'll begin letting go of the pain, how long will that take? No one knows because everyone different. There will be times that you begin feeling better and not thinking about it as much anymore but it will still linger there when you are all alone.
For a chick to move on like that, I know how that feels. I dealt with it when my 5 year LTR broke up and Married another guy within 3 months of the breakup and I was messed up for a good 3 years emotionally and mentally. Trust me, You will get through it. its not fun but I can guarantee that it'll pass.
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
Im experience too...
It happens faster if you cut her and anything affiliated out of your life.
Self care, fitness and fun.
New ***** really helps too. You need to stick it in someone who really likes your company. It helps put things in perspective and to separate.
In2theGame
Master Don Juan
Oh yes definitely it does, there's no doubt about that but the problem is once our emotional selves are attached, it becomes hard to disconnect with who we were attached with. It's a very annoying type of pain because it's nothing physical. I remember getting frustrated with myself for why all of a sudden I would get a rush of memories popping in my head of my ex for no reason. I'd be saying "Please just leave me the fvck alone" I didn't want to think of her or anything of the past but the memories would just spring up and it's hard to understand why.
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
People, places and things that tie to her need to be removed like a tumor. Sometimes its joint friends. They can side with her keepimg you in hell.
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
Those people,places and things trigger the memories. Her phone number, social media and email should be deleted. Alter some of your driving paths if required.
When you get tboughts of her otherwise it means your too idle "the idle mind is the devils playground".
Make a list of long term goals each of which have daily subgoals. Work on it daily.
And oh the new puzzy. Its best its a friend or someone who likes your company.
Banging out a dozen hoes that dont give a shyt about you will not help. She has to like you and desire you.
backseatjuan
Banned
She was a b1tch leaving you like this wasn't she? That's a fvcking key to everything, internalize it.
Why We Obsess Over People Who Don't Want Us
For some people, crushes become more "valuable" when they're unattainable.
For simplicity's sake, I refer to heterosexual women in this post, but what I discuss here definitely applies to heterosexual men and non-heterosexual individuals as well.
Many of us are familiar with this scenario: Mr. Nice Guy is cute, sweet, interesting, smart, and available. Even better, he is interested in a relationship with you. The only problem is that you just aren't that into him. Mr. Bad Guy, on the other hand, is on your mind 24/7.
Like Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Bad Guy has a lot of good qualities, but he is either unavailable for a relationship in general, or unavailable for a relationship with you, because he just isn't that into you. Despite his continual rejection, however, you cannot seem to get him off your mind. The more he rejects you and the more forcefully he indicates that he doesn't want to be with you, the more interested you seem to become.
Why do we develop this bad habit of wanting what we cannot have? Why don't we always want what we can have? In other areas of life, it seems that we can adjust our preferences to fit the situation. You may have once flirted with the idea of becoming a Hollywood star. But when you discovered you couldn't act, you let go of that dream (I hope). So why can't we let go of people who continually reject us?
According to Helen Fisher and her colleagues, the reason romantic rejection gets us hooked is that this sort of rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings. Using functional MRI, her team looked at the brains of 15 college-aged men and women who had recently been rejected by their partners but claimed to still be intensely "in love." During the scan, the research subjects looked at a photo of the person who had rejected them. They then completed a math exercise, such as counting backwards from 4,529 by 7. The exercise was an attempt to distract participants from their romantic thoughts. Finally, they were shown a picture of a familiar person they were not interested in romantically.
The team found that participants' brains were more active in areas associated with motivation, reward, craving, addiction, physical pain, and distress when they looked at the photo of the person who had rejected them than when they looked at the photo of the neutral person.
The study, published in the Journal of Neurophysiology in 2010, shows that people in this situation are really suffering from a drug addiction, and the drug is the person rejecting us, leaving our love unreciprocated. But the results do not give us insight into why we respond to romantic rejection in this way, and it doesn't answer the question of how we have developed this troubling tendency of wanting people we can't have.
You might think it is a matter of heartbreak and grief. But that cannot be the full answer either, because in some cases we haven't lost anything that we can grieve the loss of. We can be madly in love with someone who doesn't want us, and never wanted us but the situation can sometimes be as painful as someone breaking up with us.
In a previous post, I argued that part of the rejection pain we feel when love is unreciprocated may be caused by an evolutionarily-grounded repulsion to social rejection combined with a social stigma associated with breakups and divorce. But that, too, does not explain why we often want only those individuals we cannot have.
Another aspect of this anguish may have to do with the perceived value of the other person. If the other person doesn't want us or is not available for a relationship, their perceived value goes up. They become so "expensive" that we cannot "afford" them. Evolutionarily speaking, it would have been an advantage to mate with the most valuable mate. So it makes sense that we become more romantically interested when a person's perceived value increases.
Another answer may have to do with our relatively addictive personalities. Fisher's study showed that anguish and pain after romantic rejection is a kind of addiction. The question remains, however, what is it we are addicted to in this scenario?
In the case of a relationship that has ended, we may be addicted to the time we spent with the other person, their text messages, their company, or the sex. But if our brains work similarly when our love is unreciprocated, and there never was a relationship, what is the source of the addictive feelings? Presumably, we're addicted to thoughts of what could have been but never will be. Once we get stuck on those thoughts, being rejected by the other person can intensify them, leaving us to deal with obsession, which is a kind of addiction—or an addiction to thoughts of a certain kind. Elsewhere, I have argued that standard methods for dealing with obsessive-compulsive disorder can also help you get over romantic obsession.
Your attachment style can also influence how much you get stuck on people who don't want you. People with a dependent attachment style (also known as a co-dependent or anxious attachment style) are brought up to seek out people who will cause them pain. In a classic scenario, they grew up in a household with a mother or father who emotionally rejected them. For these individuals, being romantically rejected is a familiar feeling. Since we are always more likely to act in ways that are familiar to us, if we have a history of rejection, we are likely to seek situations where we should expect more rejection. Our brains interpret these scenarios as normal, even though we know that it is not normal to seek out scenarios that lead to pain and anguish.
Finally, there is the "different ending" explanation: If we have a history of being rejected—by a parent, for example—we sometimes subconsciously seek out similar scenarios, hoping that the story will have a different ending next time. Only it does not. It is worth remembering Einstein's definition of insanity—doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
from - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...10/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us
Why We Obsess Over People Who Don't Want Us
For some people, crushes become more "valuable" when they're unattainable.
For simplicity's sake, I refer to heterosexual women in this post, but what I discuss here definitely applies to heterosexual men and non-heterosexual individuals as well.
Many of us are familiar with this scenario: Mr. Nice Guy is cute, sweet, interesting, smart, and available. Even better, he is interested in a relationship with you. The only problem is that you just aren't that into him. Mr. Bad Guy, on the other hand, is on your mind 24/7.
Like Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Bad Guy has a lot of good qualities, but he is either unavailable for a relationship in general, or unavailable for a relationship with you, because he just isn't that into you. Despite his continual rejection, however, you cannot seem to get him off your mind. The more he rejects you and the more forcefully he indicates that he doesn't want to be with you, the more interested you seem to become.
Why do we develop this bad habit of wanting what we cannot have? Why don't we always want what we can have? In other areas of life, it seems that we can adjust our preferences to fit the situation. You may have once flirted with the idea of becoming a Hollywood star. But when you discovered you couldn't act, you let go of that dream (I hope). So why can't we let go of people who continually reject us?
According to Helen Fisher and her colleagues, the reason romantic rejection gets us hooked is that this sort of rejection stimulates parts of the brain associated with motivation, reward, addiction, and cravings. Using functional MRI, her team looked at the brains of 15 college-aged men and women who had recently been rejected by their partners but claimed to still be intensely "in love." During the scan, the research subjects looked at a photo of the person who had rejected them. They then completed a math exercise, such as counting backwards from 4,529 by 7. The exercise was an attempt to distract participants from their romantic thoughts. Finally, they were shown a picture of a familiar person they were not interested in romantically.
The team found that participants' brains were more active in areas associated with motivation, reward, craving, addiction, physical pain, and distress when they looked at the photo of the person who had rejected them than when they looked at the photo of the neutral person.
The study, published in the Journal of Neurophysiology in 2010, shows that people in this situation are really suffering from a drug addiction, and the drug is the person rejecting us, leaving our love unreciprocated. But the results do not give us insight into why we respond to romantic rejection in this way, and it doesn't answer the question of how we have developed this troubling tendency of wanting people we can't have.
You might think it is a matter of heartbreak and grief. But that cannot be the full answer either, because in some cases we haven't lost anything that we can grieve the loss of. We can be madly in love with someone who doesn't want us, and never wanted us but the situation can sometimes be as painful as someone breaking up with us.
In a previous post, I argued that part of the rejection pain we feel when love is unreciprocated may be caused by an evolutionarily-grounded repulsion to social rejection combined with a social stigma associated with breakups and divorce. But that, too, does not explain why we often want only those individuals we cannot have.
Another aspect of this anguish may have to do with the perceived value of the other person. If the other person doesn't want us or is not available for a relationship, their perceived value goes up. They become so "expensive" that we cannot "afford" them. Evolutionarily speaking, it would have been an advantage to mate with the most valuable mate. So it makes sense that we become more romantically interested when a person's perceived value increases.
Another answer may have to do with our relatively addictive personalities. Fisher's study showed that anguish and pain after romantic rejection is a kind of addiction. The question remains, however, what is it we are addicted to in this scenario?
In the case of a relationship that has ended, we may be addicted to the time we spent with the other person, their text messages, their company, or the sex. But if our brains work similarly when our love is unreciprocated, and there never was a relationship, what is the source of the addictive feelings? Presumably, we're addicted to thoughts of what could have been but never will be. Once we get stuck on those thoughts, being rejected by the other person can intensify them, leaving us to deal with obsession, which is a kind of addiction—or an addiction to thoughts of a certain kind. Elsewhere, I have argued that standard methods for dealing with obsessive-compulsive disorder can also help you get over romantic obsession.
Your attachment style can also influence how much you get stuck on people who don't want you. People with a dependent attachment style (also known as a co-dependent or anxious attachment style) are brought up to seek out people who will cause them pain. In a classic scenario, they grew up in a household with a mother or father who emotionally rejected them. For these individuals, being romantically rejected is a familiar feeling. Since we are always more likely to act in ways that are familiar to us, if we have a history of rejection, we are likely to seek situations where we should expect more rejection. Our brains interpret these scenarios as normal, even though we know that it is not normal to seek out scenarios that lead to pain and anguish.
Finally, there is the "different ending" explanation: If we have a history of being rejected—by a parent, for example—we sometimes subconsciously seek out similar scenarios, hoping that the story will have a different ending next time. Only it does not. It is worth remembering Einstein's definition of insanity—doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
from - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...10/why-we-obsess-over-people-who-dont-want-us
mrgoodstuff
Master Don Juan
Power of attraction