Really need some help now. LTR in trouble. long post but really need advice please

[lordson]

I'm in a time of great need now, my girlfriend of three years, who i love, and will marry, and who up to an hour ago loved me and was going to marry me, is seriously considering breaking it off with me.

I'm desperate for advice, we had a great relationship, best of friends, shared everything, loving, caring, relationship.

What happened:

Bucks night 18 guys. Stripper came. She got out a dildo and started masturbating with it.

My gf knew that a stipper came, and the day after asked me what happened. i told her everything vaguely and left out the part about the dildo. I dont really know why now to be honest, i supposed i thought it would make her feel uncomfortable or something

so she eventually finds out that the stripper used a dildo (which i left out) and is incredibly, incredibly upset and angry and distraught that i would leave something like that out. That i essentially lied to her, she thought that with our relationship, we could tell each other everything and anything. and now i've completely shattered her trust and belief in me. She doesn't give a rats about the fact the stripper used a dildo, shes very easy going about it, its just that we always tell each other everything and i never lie to her. Everything she thought that i was, is compeltely broken.

her previous relationship, the guy got slightly drunk and cheated on her (kissed another girl). shattered her trust that way. now she feels exactly the same way. different situation, but same feelings of shattered trust and being compeltely distraut that I am not the person she thought i was.

we dont have fights about anything.i cant even remember what the reason was last time we had a fight and she threatened to break up with me.

but she seemed really serious this time

sorry for long post, but really need some advice, anything, on this.

i said: i felt very uncomfortable being in that situation, and i didn't want to talk about it at all because i was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about it, so i left it out. I said i know i shattered her trust and that I know i can tell her anything and everything, i just wasn't thinking at the time. I said i dont know what i was thinking and now it seems so stupid because i know that i can tell her anything. My escuse was being really tired (stripper came a 2am) and not getting much sleep on the day i told her about the stripper and i wasn't thinking right. I told her: i'm not a perfect person and i made this mistake and hopefully she can accept me for who i am. I also said that i didn't mean to, it was unintentional, and that i would never hurt her intentionally. i said: i can't promise you that i'll never lie to you, because i never would and would never do anything to hurt you that i will need to lie about

she said that she can't trust anything i say becuase she doesn't trust me anything. and our relationship built on trust is completely destroyed. and that she doesn't know if i'm the right one for her and she doesn't want to be with a person like me. she says that all we've built up over the 3 years was gone because of this. She even called me by the first name! and she always called me 'hun'. I tell her that i never lied to her and she says don't even say that.

I go on to say that i know your feeling the same now, but what happened before was he intentionally broke your trust, but i didn't mean to and just wasn't thinking (I didn't say it was an accident, probably should have though)

she doesn't want to talk to me until her sister's wedding on saturday and said she'll deal with the situation then. not much of what i say is getting through to her now, because of how she feels

sorry if i sounded punchy, i wanted to keep the word count down,

but i really need help. i never thought something like this would ever happen to us. I wasn't thinking, i dont know what i was thinking, what i did was wrong and i can't belive i that i did it and made that mistake. I also told her this, but she said it doens't matter that it was unintentional and that i should have been thinking. She promised herself that she would never let herself feel this way again, because of the first time. and shes feeling really darn aweful

i honestly dont know what i'd do with myself without her

my heart isn't pumping hard now, and i'm not anxious, because i feel that she might get over it. so my head and my heart is telling me things will be alright, but i dont know for sure. shes on the cusp of breaking it off forever, 90%. last time she threatened to she felt pretty serious about it, but that worked out ok, when she thought about it for a few days and decided to give me another chance. would have been at least year and half ago. i can't remember what it was about, but i know it was something stupid about my habits or something like that

cheers fellas

 

[decades]

she is high maintenance. Tell her if she does not stop nagging you about stuff that does not matter, you will trade her in for someone skinnier.

 

[DonGorgon]

NO one is perfect including her... She is going over board with this issue cause there are other big issues blow the surface that you are not filling us in on or maybe she has not filled you in on.

It really sounds to me like she has been having secret doubts about being with you already but this situation is a convenient way for her to legitimize those doubts.

I think you are too obsessed with her which may have caused her doubts you need to disconnect if only to find yourself and be stronger!

Put your foot down apologize state your case and your love and if she does not love you enough to understand and accept you then she is not the one you think you want.

 

[Warrior74]

You didn't mention an dildo and that's lying? WTF? I call bullshyt and shenanigans! This is a weak excuse to find a reason to get out of being with you, or a massive **** test.

Not to mention you went all AFC by telling her what happened at the party. Do you think in a million years she would have told you what happened at her bachelorette party? (do they have those in Aussieland?) You never discuss what happens at bachelor parties. That's understood. You broke man code. If you break man code, you'll break anything. Including wedding vows. It showed her how weak you really are.

You can tell her anything huh? Well see what telling her anything got you?

She nagged and wore you down and got something she could get a handle on. You should have refused to talk about it period. A woman has to trust her man even when she doesn't know everything. That is what trust is! Otherwise you are just reporting to her everything..that's not trust! She wants control, not trust. Trust represents unknowns and dangers but you believe the other person will always do the right thing for the both of you.

This was a massive power grab. She's threatened to leave before eh? And you gave up power and gave her whatever she wanted right? So now she's using this one little detail (dildo,masterbating) to browbeat you into total submission. To lop off the rest of your balls and to lock them away for ever.

Listen to yourself. "she will deal with the situation" at her time of choosing. She runs this relationship. You know it and she knows it. You are not wearing the pants in any of this. I thought Aussie men had repuatations for being jerks and *******s...you must be the new breed. Harden the **** up mate!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unkIVvjZc9Y


This is my opinion on it.
You need to take some time for yourself. You need to call your own shots. You need to tell her that you need some time to think about her and her behavior. MAKE IT ABOUT HER BEHAVIOR and if YOU find it acceptable or not. You need to pull back and assert your own self respect. Because if you don't get this straight now before you marry this woman you will be in for a world of misery.

Take all of the advice you get here with a grain of salt, decide whats best for you. But remember, you have to respect yourself in all of this. If you feel at any point you are betraying yourself, stop and think.

 

[Pathgen]

I have to agree. My old girlfriend loved me tremendously, but then i moved away and changed. Her actions didnt. Then one day she texts me saying leave her alone she is sad. I ask her if there is anything i can do and she says no she is fine she just needs time.

Then she ****ing blows up in my face the next day telling me that if i really knew her i would have known to continue talking to her. She told me at least 3 times to leave her alone!

She made this huge deal out of it i got mad and broke up with her. Later i found out that towards the end of our relationship she had lost the interest she once had and she didnt really love me anymore.

Woman are girls. They are scared. They won't tell you whats up or break up with you too your face. Instead they ***** about something stupid and hope you will do it for them.

I think Anti-Dump said this. When woman break up with you and they are crying, they arent crying because they are going to miss you. They do it because they are dumping you. If they had interest they would stay.

As for your current situation i dont know i lost the girl i loved. I think you have to earn that ineterst back fast if this is going to last

 

[DonGorgon]

Do you think in a million years she would have told you what happened at her bachelorette party?.

Exactly!:yes: :nono:

 

[lordson]

ya know, the more i've been thinking about this over the course of last night and this morning, the more i realised that she is terribly, terribly overracting, which she has a habit of doing

i didn't 'break her trust', the issue really is that this time i didn't think that i could come to her with the information and talk to her about anything and everything. she feels like i lied to her, and fair enough, and she has the same feelings as last time she was lied to. but this time doesn't even compare to last time. last time the lying was deliberate and because of deception and wrong doing. this time the 'lying' per se, was because i didn't feel as if i was comfortable enough to talk to her about anything and everything like i usually do.

now i'm going to tell her just that, becuase its the damn truth and i'm bloody well correct.

i didn't break her trust in me that i would physically DO something bad to hurt her, i broke her trust that i can talk to her about everything. i kind of blown this out of proportion too, she was so upset she even had me convinced that i did something terrible.


the ultimate goal is to get her to calm down so this is what i intend on emailing her:

you're overreacting. this isn't even about trust. its about the fact that i didn't think then that i can talk to you about everything. i know you're feeling the same way now as how you felt before. the simple fact is that i lied, but the reason is nowhere near the same. last time was deliberate lying because of complete deception and wrong doing, this time its just that i didn't think aobut it enough to realise that i can talk to you about everything. other guys lie to their girlfriends and wives all the time, i know i'm not other guys and i dont have anything i need to lie to you about. this time i just didn't feel like i wanted to talk to you about this i was just a little shy on the topic. do you understand?
i didn't break your trust in me that i would actually DO something bad to hurt you, i broke your trust in me to know that i can come to you with anything. i need you to understand that okay, i know you're feeling the same as last time somebody lied to you and broke your trust. this time the lying is completely different, and the trust is completely different.
would you have gotten this angry if i hadn't told you that for example: i was fine $500 for speeding, or if i was really stressed at work and hadn't told you about it? what makes that different? its not as if i went out, did something that was wrong, and then kept it from you.


am i correct in saying, that its not an issue of trust (that i would never do anything bad), but its an issue that i didn't feel that i could come to her about this?

she does blow things up alot. but if i put this to her now, and get all pissy about it then there is a risk and a chance it could end badly. i get extremely angry about little things (non-related) all the time, but i know that i was overreacting and calm down. i dont know how i can get her to also understand that

 

[lordson]

i may have also overreacted with this thread thinking our relationship was in deep trouble, she was so upset she even convinced me that i did something wrong

later i realised i didn't do anything that wrong

we just had a chat on the phone, and the short of it: issue resolved

the long story, she said that she realised its not about broken trust, and she felt that way because her belief in me, and in our relationship to be open and honest about everything was shattered. she now understands that i was uncomfortable talking about it, she just didn't think, and never would have thought i would be uncomfortable enough to not talking about anything with her. so she says that she understands now in relationships, she knows that couples will have things they dont want to talk about, if it doesn't majorly effect the other person. and we do have our own space and boundaries if we need it, and shell be more understanding and open, and less likely to jump the gun in the future. she still says that we can completely trust each other to talk about anything, its just that when a situation arises where we dont, it'll be okay.

she came to this conclusion by herself, which is pretty much the point of my email (which i didn't send), so our relationship is moving forward and all in all a good end result. now i dont have to tell her about the gigantic porn stash in my garage.

cheers for the help fellas