re-examing past relationships

[Heretolearn]

Gentlemen,

Most of you will know my story by now. I am going through a phase of really examining everything I have done, my habits and thoughts and people I have been with, especially the relationship that was created.

What are the advatanges and disadvatanges of this? Do you recommend it overall?

Did you do this? Did it help you?

 

[KarmaSutra]

Reflection is one of our greatest motivators. I've found that being completely honest with myself and my conduct and rationale in my youth has been a wonderful guide to my progressing through the new experiences I can now compliment.

Look deep within yourself. What's helped me is yoga and pre-dawn meditation. It may sound like new age hooplah, But it does work.

And women find it completely erotic. Another motivator.


Karma

 

[MightyMate]

**** old relations.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

We all do this whether we're conscious of it or not. The trick is really to see the forest for the trees so to speak. Circumstances and experiences that have conditioned you to act in certain ways and response you take for granted that you've developed over the course of your last (really all prior) relationship need to be reevaluated. The major pitfall to to avoid is to assume that the way you've become is necessarily the 'way you are'. It's not uncommon for men (particularly these days) to modify their identities to better suit the expectations of the women they've maintained an LTR with for even a few months, much less over the course of a few years. These mental schemas and behaviors we adopt during this time to meet these expectations easily get internalized into our personalities and we begin to believe that we are "just like this."

The first place to begin in assessing what you've learned in a prior relationship is to reevaluate what effect it has caused on you from a personal standpoint. I can't begin to tell you how many guys I know who've told me "Whoa, what a pu$$y I was, I wont let that happen again!" immediately after an LTR ends only to be wrapped up in exactly the same behaviors and mentalities 3 months later in another LTR. They become so consumed with finding another monogamous relationship ASAP that they never do their personal homework. One of the reasons most relationship 'experts' say it's important to take time to get over a past LTR is to take time to 'grieve' or mourn the loss or some such sh!t, when in fact your time would be better spent purging yourself of all the behaviors and ego investments you've collected that in all likelihood led to the break up anyway. Most failed relationships are the result of one or both participants losing their identities, rediscover your own or better yourself in such a way that your 'new' identity learns from this experience and maintains the resolve to defend itself.

Too many very strong PUAs and DJs revert back to an AFC mental model as soon as they become involved in an LTR only to have this repeatedly become the down fall of successive relationships. Thus the cycle repeats itself - LTR in an AFC mental scheme and applied AFC behaviors changes to PUA / DJ mentality once an LTR ends due to AFC behavior, only to revert back to AFC tendencies once a fresh LTR has initiated. The goal then is to break this cycle and establish a new schema of self worth that places independence and 'true' self-initiated personality above the fear of lonliness and especially above the expectations and entitlements so prevalent with most women these days. By understanding the value of fiercely guarded identity and a firm hold on the notion that this will be constantly sh!t tested not only in the field, but into an LTR, you will find that your partner accepts you for who you are rather than what she 'thinks' you should become and your relationships will be far more satisfying.

You must maintain your own identity rather than identifying with hers. Stay the person she fell in love with instead of allowing yourself to be 'fixed' into the person she expects you ought to be in order to gratify her own ego and lead to your eventual break up.

I should also add that it's important NEVER to consider yourself to be "between relationships." Your desire should be to be single, only considering an LTR as an exceptional circumstance when a woman proves her worth to you as a prospective LTR. Your default should always be to fight this urge to pair off tooth and nail, and only regarding an LTR as a unique circumstance. Not only does this serve you better from a logistical standpoint it helps to establish youreslf as the PRIZE in your own self-estimation.

 

[WestCoaster]

Wow, that's some great stuff

Whew, what a post by Rollo! I find him to be the most astute guy ever on this site. He hits it spot on with each topic. Like I said before, every PUA I've known has succumbed into being a married AFC or at least an AFC in a long-term relationship.

Couple of my failed relationships I did exactly what Rollo said: I made the same mistakes in the successive relationship that I did in the first. I.E., was an AFC, smothered the woman by spending too much time with her, didn't develop my own life enough, didn't hang out with the guys enough, obsessed about the physical aspect of the relationship, and so on. I wasn't my own man.

Then in one of my relationships I got figureatively kicked in the nads pretty hard. A gal I thought I was going to marry (stupid me) crapped on me big time, insulted me, trashed me, everything in the book. I didn't deserve any of it, but I took it instead of standing up for myself. On a long drive home from the breakup I re-assessed things in my life and was hell-bent on changing my ways. It was way before this site and I was still a semi-AFC, but I did change how I dealt with women. No longer did I act like I should be lucky to be with them, but they should be lucky to be with me. The woman who had crapped on me was a white trash piece of sh-t ... I realized that later and am ashamed I put up with such crap from such a low life.

You must not only LEARN from your mistakes, you must also UNLEARN your ways. You must CHANGE how you were brainwashed by American society and Hollywood, and the thousands of overt or subliminal messages that have been sent to your brain telling you that you're not the prize. You must think you are the prize. Never forget that.

Rollo, great post ... I hope some day these posts will be in book form. They are priceless. Every man should read them, and it really should be must-reading for teenagers before they go down the AFC path.

Thanks again.

 

[Heretolearn]

thank you gentlemen!

Wonderful inspiration!