Snowdog,
Your writing isn't terrible. It's fairly average. I deal with people as well-written as you are on a daily basis, and that's a huge compliment because the people I work with are college students working on an English major. I'm an editor at my college's newspaper, and I work with writers to realize their faults.
You would be surprised at how may comma splices a soon-to-be college grad with an English major will make.
Most the time they wouldn't be able to give you a thesis statement or define parallelism. They just know how to produce papers, which are serviceable at best.
But back to your writing, the only thing I keep on seeing is comma splices, which are easily fixed. The main thing is that a period means the sentence contains a subject and verb. Commas are trickier and much longer to explain, but first off "Hi." is more "Hi," introductory stuff like "When blah blah, I do this." or "Because I ran, I felt tired." but you don't put a comma if you reverse those like, "I felt tired because I ran."
Don't regard that paragraph as reference. I bypassed a lot grammar issues to show you the correct punctuation of the quotes, but your writing is littered with those, and that's not a really big deal. That shouldn't halt your writing. It will just add more work for the editors that work on your work.
So overall, I would say go with whatever you want. You seem to be able to convey a correct spectrum of emotion in English. If you think you can write with more passion in English, than I would say go for it.
I would just work on your grammar overall. I'm a grammar nut, so I know more rules for grammar than are actually taught. I'm taking a class this semester called "ENGL 4750: Advanced Grammar," and I already know 90-95% of the course. 5% are just crazy rules no one should commit to memory.
Whoever wrote that comment about spellcheck, I don't know if that's the best idea. Spellcheck gets many things wrong. It struggles with plurals, and the way it corrects passive voice will vastly alter the meaning of the sentence.
I agree with MisterMcGee. Habitual writing usually leads to monotonous writing with a vague direction. Most people write much more intrigueing work when they are actually thrilled about what they are writing.
My main recommendation to anyone who wants to fiction write is never talk your ideas out with people. Write it down first! Don't talk yourself out of passion. While your pumped, put the pen to the paper. If you talk with someone, they already start off unimpressed, and it's an uphill battle from there. Write it down, and then talk to people. Those moments where you have too many things in your head to write down are beautiful moments.
Sorry, I seemed to have rambled, but yea you get my seal of approval for writing in English.
