Raised by only mother since 12 years old

[RestUnknown]

My dad died when I was 12, so since then I was raised by only my mother which currently makes me a typical nice guy. I hate conflict, am shy, try to be good to everyone so they would like me, barely talk to my own family as I think that they wouldn't like me if I act like I want... and as you can imagine I'm 30 and single. Had 3 girlfriends in my life of which 1 was an affair and who was BPD.

I'm sick and tired of this stuff, but I can't seem to change it. Last night I went to a party with some of my colleagues but even though they talk to me, you can tell they're more interested in other people. I don't blame them, but I put it all on the fact that I had so much female influence in my life that I currently am not who I want to be.

The problem is, I know who I want to be, I just can't put it into action because even though I force myself to be social, talkative, more of a real man, etc... it's all so forced it backfires in some way or the other. I read the Book of Pook and some other ones and I know the key points as "as you think you shall become" and "love yourself first",... but I wouldn't be typing this if it would work.

I feel I'm starting to get really fed up with this, and I want to have that point where I just don't give a f*ck anymore. But currently I work it out in ways that are not helpful and even destructive.

My question basically is, what can I do in a situation like this where I'm raised by only my mother?

 

[Chi Town]

Your 30 years old which means you are who you are, your innate personality is already ingrained into you at this point. There's nothing you can do about it, don't try to be something your not, all you can do is learn to stand up for yourself and be more MANLY but you will always be a nice guy, it's who you are.

 

[sosousage]

My dad died when I was 12, so since then I was raised by only my mother which currently makes me a typical nice guy. I hate conflict, am shy, try to be good to everyone so they would like me, barely talk to my own family as I think that they wouldn't like me if I act like I want... and as you can imagine I'm 30 and single. Had 3 girlfriends in my life of which 1 was an affair and who was BPD.

I'm sick and tired of this stuff, but I can't seem to change it. Last night I went to a party with some of my colleagues but even though they talk to me, you can tell they're more interested in other people. I don't blame them, but I put it all on the fact that I had so much female influence in my life that I currently am not who I want to be.

The problem is, I know who I want to be, I just can't put it into action because even though I force myself to be social, talkative, more of a real man, etc... it's all so forced it backfires in some way or the other. I read the Book of Pook and some other ones and I know the key points as "as you think you shall become" and "love yourself first",... but I wouldn't be typing this if it would work.

I feel I'm starting to get really fed up with this, and I want to have that point where I just don't give a f*ck anymore. But currently I work it out in ways that are not helpful and even destructive.

My question basically is, what can I do in a situation like this where I'm raised by only my mother?

your colleagues (girls or boys) think of you as inferior (maybe they dont even realise that) because other men are either funnier than you or more handsome or more interesting or more successful, and same with girls.

listen to RSD social dynamics.

if you are one of least interesting men in your social circle group that even they dont care about you why should girls care?

Now, your friends probably wont start thinking, damn youre so interesting and give u more attention, so find new ones after u change

 

[Spaz]

You hv described ur current frame.

That's good, admitting something is wrong is always the 1st step.

Your current frame = ur core value (learnt from young) + ur current principles + how u do things.

You can't undo ur core values.

But you can change ur current principles, that in turn will affect how you do things, ultimately producing the results you desire.

What you can do now is list out all those principles you hv, most of it is actually feminine ones, but list them out.

That's the 2nd stage and a rather important one as u r looking deep within urself.

 

[sosousage]

Your 30 years old which means you are who you are, your innate personality is already ingrained into you at this point. There's nothing you can do about it, don't try to be something your not, all you can do is learn to stand up for yourself and be more MANLY but you will always be a nice guy, it's who you are.

you could say same stuff about personality at age 14, 20 or 25. because its really hard to change it but its not impossible

 

[sosousage]

Your 30 years old which means you are who you are, your innate personality is already ingrained into you at this point. There's nothing you can do about it, don't try to be something your not, all you can do is learn to stand up for yourself and be more MANLY but you will always be a nice guy, it's who you are.

once he sees how funny is it to be rude or joking or whenpeoplethink ur funniest guy in the group he will change


niceguyness is not personality its bunch of learned safe and comfortable behaviors that can be easily thrown away once you see that other kind of behavior works even better.

I lack personality and confidence == lets rationally use these common and safe behaviors that wont piss anyone off == i became nice guy whos not high position in group nor among girls

i gained personality and confidence == i joke all the time even at expense of others (usually because i dont notice that) == people start to like you == say hello to your new personality

 

[Chi Town]

you could say same stuff about personality at age 14, 20 or 25. because its really hard to change it but its not impossible

No, not the same thing as a teenager trying to change his personality vs a grown ass 30 year old man.

You can't change who you are, anything you do at that point is just a act, it's not real.
All he can do is learn to be more MANLY and stand up for himself, anything else would be a act that will get exposed sooner or later.

 

[Chi Town]

once he sees how funny is it to be rude or joking or whenpeoplethink ur funniest guy in the group he will change

Funny guys are naturally funny, they didn't have to learn how to be funny, it's who they are, if he's not a funny guy then all of sudden starts trying to be funny, it will be a disaster.

 

[sosousage]

Funny guys are naturally funny, they didn't have to learn how to be funny, it's who they are, if he's not a funny guy then all of sudden starts trying to be funny, it will be a disaster.

they are not naturally funny, they are funny because people thought they are funny during childhood

they made some jokes during childhood which other kids laughed at and thats how their foundation of personality was crafted

 

[Spaz]

Personality can't be chg, it's inherent within a person the moment he's born.

What can chg is the frame.

 

[Chi Town]

they are not naturally funny, they are funny because people thought they are funny during childhood

they made some jokes during childhood which other kids laughed at and thats how their foundation of personality was crafted

Facepalm.......

Look at what you just said, if they were funny during there childhood all the way up to there adulthood then they were naturally funny, do you not know what naturally means? If someone has been funny there whole life's since childhood without trying then there naturally funny, not someone who at the age of 30 all of sudden starts trying to be a "funny guy"

Are you trolling me?

 

[Spaz]

they are not naturally funny, they are funny because people thought they are funny during childhood

they made some jokes during childhood which other kids laughed at and thats how their foundation of personality was crafted

Sosousage u r in the expressive personality quadrant - passive.

You can act, be a joker, hv very high social skills, sing, be a musician etc but you can never be an intellectual or a doer or a motivator.

If OP is an intellectual then he will fail as a joker, it'll come off as fake.

Edit: Chi Town is either a doer or a motivator, leaning more towards the doer.

 

[RestUnknown]

Before this thread goes on about the funny stuff, I'm not looking to be the comedian. I have days where I can make people laugh, they're of course not that often. But it's not my goal.

What I want is to be confident and charming and I believe the rest of it will fall into place. But as a nice guy I have very low self esteem. Think everyone is better than me, as you can tell by my example of the party where you can tell they like to talk to others rather than me. That plus the fact my hair is completely gray at my current age doesn't help. I've been called good looking, even with my current hair, but I'm just not 'owning' it due to the lack of confidence.

 

[marvinlfloresq]

My dad died when I was 12, so since then I was raised by only my mother which currently makes me a typical nice guy. I hate conflict, am shy, try to be good to everyone so they would like me, barely talk to my own family as I think that they wouldn't like me if I act like I want... and as you can imagine I'm 30 and single. Had 3 girlfriends in my life of which 1 was an affair and who was BPD.

I'm sick and tired of this stuff, but I can't seem to change it. Last night I went to a party with some of my colleagues but even though they talk to me, you can tell they're more interested in other people. I don't blame them, but I put it all on the fact that I had so much female influence in my life that I currently am not who I want to be.

The problem is, I know who I want to be, I just can't put it into action because even though I force myself to be social, talkative, more of a real man, etc... it's all so forced it backfires in some way or the other. I read the Book of Pook and some other ones and I know the key points as "as you think you shall become" and "love yourself first",... but I wouldn't be typing this if it would work.

I feel I'm starting to get really fed up with this, and I want to have that point where I just don't give a f*ck anymore. But currently I work it out in ways that are not helpful and even destructive.

My question basically is, what can I do in a situation like this where I'm raised by only my mother?

Hummm, op. If that book was not a help, try another one. Here, read understanding relationships by coach corey. I think that will help you. As for women, read mystery method vol. 1 and finally The Rational Male, by Rollo T. Those alone should be all you will ever need.

Finally, it does not matter if you were raised by a single parent. We are all subjected or influence by our environment and cultural differences. Whats important is that you recognize an "area" of your life that needs change and do something about it.

Read those books, you will see the changes that you need to make. Its not about having a IDGAF attitude, but "when" to apply it.

When something is not working for you, change it. Its ok to be nice, just have boundaries.

Life is awesome when you live your pontential. Best of luck to you. We all been there, now get up.

 

[RestUnknown]

This is how my mind works: everywhere I read that people can change, that they can become a Don Juan, but the only thing that currently sticks is the first post from Chi Town in this thread, that I'm basically doomed.

I don't mind working for something, but I have to know it pays off. I've been going to the gym for quite a while and it has become something that I miss if I can't go, because you can see the results.

I don't want to be a nice guy, some of my core principles are typical nice guy, but I have rather harsh ones as well that might shock people if I'd tell them. Perhaps I don't want to change my personality if I would be happy and see the results I want if I'm more confident, but I think my personality is the cause of my low self-esteem and it's thus just a vicious circle.

And in my car I'm not a nice guy, I honk for the smallest of things that other drivers do that annoy me. But I feel 'safe' in my car as I can just drive away. When the other driver brakes as to intend to stop and get out, I get 'scared'. At work at the phone I can be a jerk, just because I'm 'safe' at the other end of the line.

 

[sosousage]

Sosousage u r in the expressive personality quadrant - passive.

You can act, be a joker, hv very high social skills, sing, be a musician etc but you can never be an intellectual or a doer or a motivator.

If OP is an intellectual then he will fail as a joker, it'll come off as fake.

Edit: Chi Town is either a doer or a motivator, leaning more towards the doer.

you know personality is mainly crafted during childhood right

 

[marvinlfloresq]

This is how my mind works: everywhere I read that people can change, that they can become a Don Juan, but the only thing that currently sticks is the first post from Chi Town in this thread, that I'm basically doomed.

I don't mind working for something, but I have to know it pays off. I've been going to the gym for quite a while and it has become something that I miss if I can't go, because you can see the results.

I don't want to be a nice guy, some of my core principles are typical nice guy, but I have rather harsh ones as well that might shock people if I'd tell them. Perhaps I don't want to change my personality if I would be happy and see the results I want if I'm more confident, but I think my personality is the cause of my low self-esteem and it's thus just a vicious circle.

And in my car I'm not a nice guy, I honk for the smallest of things that other drivers do that annoy me. But I feel 'safe' in my car as I can just drive away. When the other driver brakes as to intend to stop and get out, I get 'scared'. At work at the phone I can be a jerk, just because I'm 'safe' at the other end of the line.

You are not doomed; you might be co-dependent. Being nice is also a sign of trying to control things. You need validation from others instead of "your" own.

 

[Chi Town]

This is how my mind works: everywhere I read that people can change, that they can become a Don Juan, but the only thing that currently sticks is the first post from Chi Town in this thread, that I'm basically doomed.

I don't mind working for something, but I have to know it pays off. I've been going to the gym for quite a while and it has become something that I miss if I can't go, because you can see the results.

I don't want to be a nice guy, some of my core principles are typical nice guy, but I have rather harsh ones as well that might shock people if I'd tell them. Perhaps I don't want to change my personality if I would be happy and see the results I want if I'm more confident, but I think my personality is the cause of my low self-esteem and it's thus just a vicious circle.

And in my car I'm not a nice guy, I honk for the smallest of things that other drivers do that annoy me. But I feel 'safe' in my car as I can just drive away. When the other driver brakes as to intend to stop and get out, I get 'scared'. At work at the phone I can be a jerk, just because I'm 'safe' at the other end of the line.

You can better yourself but you can't change who you are. The people who are don Juans just have it while other don't, LeBron James has God given talent, if some 13 year old starts practicing everyday and training realllly hard do you think he's going to be as good as LeBron? No.

You can't be something your not was my point. Your not doomed because you can learn how to stand up for yourself and stop being a pushover or someone who is afraid of conflict but you will not be that badass tough guy who isn't afraid of anything, why? Because that's not you. Not saying that's what your trying to be in just using a example

This is how my mind works: everywhere I read that people can change, that they can become a Don Juan, but the only thing that currently sticks is the first post from Chi Town in this thread, that I'm basically doomed.

I don't mind working for something, but I have to know it pays off. I've been going to the gym for quite a while and it has become something that I miss if I can't go, because you can see the results.

I don't want to be a nice guy, some of my core principles are typical nice guy, but I have rather harsh ones as well that might shock people if I'd tell them. Perhaps I don't want to change my personality if I would be happy and see the results I want if I'm more confident, but I think my personality is the cause of my low self-esteem and it's thus just a vicious circle.

And in my car I'm not a nice guy, I honk for the smallest of things that other drivers do that annoy me. But I feel 'safe' in my car as I can just drive away. When the other driver brakes as to intend to stop and get out, I get 'scared'. At work at the phone I can be a jerk, just because I'm 'safe' at the other end of the line.

You can become more confident which is a good goal to have, work on that.

You can't stop being a nice guy because that's what you are.

 

[Spaz]

you know personality is mainly crafted during childhood right

No it's not.

Only core values is crafted during childhood.

And core values is not personality.

 

[Von]

Same boat as OP here.

When I came here... I was at a low point in my life...

The GF who stood up for me yet what abusive and helped me to become the ''MAN people admired''... Left me
Work.... I wasn't doing good and still dependant on my parents success, not sure I wanted to do a living there.
Every time I went to my parents... I would come back drained.
Living: I had to learn to live alone.... never cooked before I was 22 (my parents didnt want to cause I didnt do it good enough for them) etc..

Well, during that time; I partied alot, Dated/Lay alot, I double what I was doing already... also I sought stuff to improve my mind and body health...

What I did ? I started doing everything that was on my mind since I was a kid.... also the stuff I used to do but let go.

So I traveled alot
So I picked up dancing again
So I started gym again
So I redid a business plan / gave myself yearly goals
So I went to see a therapist and see if I might have some ADHD etc..
I used programs to help me too (like cooking delivery service, etc.)... Listened to strangers more
Take Courses / Classes... online or in classroom as independant to work on your weakness (writing, math etc).
Give yourself pressure to go out (like have friends waiting for you, have a tutor private class)... Force yourself to get it in your DNA/ routine

My Current status ?
My income never been better
My health never been better
I dance
I got a nice GF
I can cook better
I seek people around me alot more.

Like you... I have a hard time making friends... didn't see the points somethings.. I have my parents!

Now my parents want to throw me under a Bus and refuse to listen to me about what we could do for the business although it could improve... They ''made their mind to cancel the contract they have with me'' and ''sale to a stranger''... while I am supposelly great/better and I proposed to have people join us (the same but without selling the businesS).

So I am thinking of doing a rupture with my parents.... I had done it when I moved out, I had done it when I stopped doing laundry there... My energy/wellbeing increased alot.... Now, we will see professionnally but I am gonna take my distance personnally ....

You have to learn to be your own... that takes courage and I think it requires we have to cut ties from what we know now... cut ties for a period... Like go abroad for 1 year.

We have time, even if we feel the pressure.

Okay, I can't trust my parents... they only do stuff in their interest, they change their mind every month, they never taught me anything,