Quick FR and a couple questions...

[cruisecontrol]

Alright, just tried to get myself out of the cognitive/behavioral cycle deal that plagues a great many of us. FR goes as such:

BORING LEAD IN
Hang out with a bunch of guy friends most of the night; one girl comes along (HB8ish) and we have a grand ole time. I decide to call it a night, do some homework and leave. I head back in about an hour and figure I'd try the apocalypse approach for ****s and giggles. I've got nothing to lose, right? The worst that happens is I don't get laid tonight. Big whoop.

First go, I psych myself out. I'm out of it the minute I step in the door. Hang out with a couple of guys and HB8 for a bit, then leave for the night.

I go take a shower and psych myself into it again. No excuses. This time I knock, get let in by HB8. AMOG is playing guitar hero, taking turns w/her. Good chance they'll be humping tonight. I figure this is the perfect opportunity to crash and burn and try to deAFC myself.

ACTUAL FR
HB8--Wow, that was kinda creepy w/you in your bathrobe (I'm going all out, remember )
CC--HB8, figured I'd ask...(slight pause for effect)...you wanna have sex tonight?
HB8--not really
CC--Aight *shrug* do me a favor and hand me my jacket (good thing I came in, I wouldve been looking for that in the morning ) ... good night

Obviously I wasn't expecting to have sex tonight. Consciously I'm stoked that I pulled that move out of my rear end. Regardless, by the time I get back to my dorm (not 20 yards away), I'm filled with nervous, negative energy. My question is thus: why? Not only do I feel not confident, I honestly feel slightly more AFC than before. It's not as bad since I've wrote this, but I've got this lingering feeling that either a) I did something wrong or b) I'm looking at this the wrong way.

Now I probably could've been stronger, smoother, bolder, whatever but that's for another time; I'm not really looking for help with my game. What's going on with my mindset though and how do I start looking at this and internalizing this a different way?

 

[cruisecontrol]

you feel bad cause she shot you down... doohh....

That's the obvious bit. The part I can't figure out is why? I had absolutely 0 expectation (or interest for that matter) of getting any tonight. I did everything I expected to do, chalked up a rejection, and tried to make it into a learning experience.

Basically I forced myself to grow a set and rather than feeling accomplished and successful, I'm kinda deflated. I'm trying to figure out how to make this a much more positive event (in my own psyche) than I feel like it is.

 

[Prodigy746]

thats the wors approach i have ever read on this forums and yes that includes Elstuds posts too. I am not writing this to make you feel worse but i am writing this to make you feel better.

Honestly, i dont even think James Bond could lay a girl the way you explained the situation.

 

[I.A.F.Y.B.]

What the fvck were you thinking??? Do you really expect a girl you barely know to have sex with you by asking her. "Do you want to have sex tonight?" You got alot more learning to do!!

 

[saber]

you were bold not confident

 

[Technical1]

you were bold not confident

That hit the nail on the head! Its true for me too. What I'm going to say now is half a diagnosis of my own state and half in answer to your post. Take it with a grain of salt as I am not far beyond where you are now.

Too much nervous energy, too much flightiness, too much incongruence. You seem like a guy who is "psyched up" but not at home in the atmosphere. A fear of crashing permeats everything you do, you dont have stability. You cant remain 'in state' in the absence of success-stimulation-positive-feedback.

Your enthusiasm weirds other people out because you didnt 'vibe' with them before you got enthusiastic. If they are at 70 Hz (speaking metaphorically because vibing is about matching energy levels and sharing a surrounding) you want to come in with maximum 80 Hz, not 120 Hz. Because they will feel like you aren't interacting with them, in fact.. you aren't.

This is why I am striving to become 'cool' in the simplest sense of the word: just laid back and 'fine with everything.' I used to sometimes think I could get myself 'psyched' and charge into situations, winning people over with enthusiasm. But that enthusiasm is not genuine, its a lot of nervous energy and a need to 'win the situation'.

Also, while in this mindset we are still outcome-dependent and not having fun with people. At that point its still about the pickup, about what your going to say, NOT about that moment and squeezing maximum fun out of it. By being reaction dependent/outcome dependent you lose control of the 'frame' -- (think about it, you crashed and went home and showered, how lame!) -- and people judge you by the strength of your frame.

You have to be able to vibe and enjoy people at all energy levels, i.e. hyped up party-mode or just-got-off-work-tired mode. Good luck!

 

[cruisecontrol]

Ha! I like it. The energy metaphor actually makes a lot of sense too. I've been reading through the bible and 6 week thing lately and focusing on the idea that there are no failures with the right mindset. I remember seeing one post in particular about collecting "rejection points" for every failed encounter. Basically I need to start finding success in failure.

I think this weekend I'm gonna bring a notebook and try a series of approaches either a) asking a girl what the worst pickup line she's ever heard is or b) using said pickup lines in practice. I fully expect to blow out of the latter half of sets and get some decent practice with the other half.

As for the bold, not confident bit. you've gotta fake it till you make it, no?