Queston for Dr. P. (PuertoRicanLover) She's "BUSY BUSY BUSY!!"

[ThunderMaverick]

So I've been playing phone tag with this girl for about a month. I've called her 3 times in the whole month. Everytime we get into a convo i try to keep it short.

I called her yesterday and she didn't call back. I called her today and she picked up.


I asked if she got my message yesterday. Here's how the convo went:

Me: Did you get my message?

Her: Yeah, I'm sorry I was so busy Yesterday. I had a sorrity meeting yesterday, and on top of that, I have 3 midterms (or some test, I couldn't remember) So I've been so busy. That's why I've been afraid to call you.


Afraid to call me? I thought "ok, that might be good, right? I mean she clearly interested and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings" But then I thought "she's making an excuse to be busy so she dosen't have to call me. School is a perfect excuse, right?"

But I told her I understood and I've been busy too, and I wasn't going to get anal about it. I said school is more important that meeting up.

Her: Yeah my last boyfriend didn't understand that. I'm just so busy.

She's mentioning her last relationship? Keep in mind she and I have only talked 3 times on the phone. We haven't met up (dating wise) yet in person. So I guess she knows what I want if she's mentioning that personal pet peeve.

Me: Let's find time to meet up.

Her: Yeah, I'm busy tommorow, but do you want to meet up for dinner or something?

Me: Sure. Oh! But i don't want to get in your way if you're busy. ( I think I made a fatal mistake by saying this line.

Her: Ookay. Howabout i just call you tommorow and we'll take it from there?

Me: yeah, that sounds good.

Convo ends with friendly goodbyes and whatnot. Dr. P, I think I wasn't aggressive enough. I know she's busy, but I don't want to be a burden. I'm busy myself with working on my carreer and shit. And I have my full time job also. Actually, i don't know why I'm doing this. I told myself that I wouldn't get into a serious relationship at this point in my life. I'm still nurturing my future, ya know? And I don't want anyone cluttering my life. I mean seeing someone once or twice a week is enough for me. I'm completely satsisfied. i'm not asking for much right now.

What do yo think I should do, Dr. P? Anyone else, advice would help greatly too. More aggresive? Or just NEXT?

 

[whistler]

I'm not Dr. P. but...

She sounds like she's not interested. Your intuition about school just being an excuse is probably right. If she doesn't call tomorrow, forget about her.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Well she goes to UCLA (prestegious college out in southern california) She doesen't work because all she does is go to school. *shrugs* she has a TON of classes.

 

[Donald Kaufman]

Me: Sure. Oh! But i don't want to get in your way if you're busy. ( I think I made a fatal mistake by saying this line.

I don't think it was fatal but if you delivered it straight it might come off a tad needy. I don't think more aggressive would help much at this point. If she really is that busy you should probably get busy too.

Maybe something will work out when you both retire.

 

[squirrels]

Originally posted by ThunderMaverick
Her: Yeah, I'm busy tommorow, but do you want to meet up for dinner or something?

Me: Sure. Oh! But i don't want to get in your way if you're busy. ( I think I made a fatal mistake by saying this line.

Yeah, you did. But meet her for dinner anyway. Or at least say you will. If she's truly trying to make time, then it means she's got SOME interest. If she cancels or something, then it's time to roll on.

Lots of girls are busy, but if she's into you, she will find SOME time to give to you.

She may just be "undateable." I've run into girls like this in the past...actually had one tell me, "Boys aren't a priority in my life." See if she's willing to scramble up some time for you. And don't act like you don't deserve it...you're the man. She SHOULD make time to be with you.

 

[biker_gixxer]

Don't call anymore. If she calls, great, set something up. If she doesn't, well, you know what to do...

 

[TillTheEndOfTime]

I think this situation is quite simple. She probably is very busy. Just lay off the calls and put her at the back of your mind. Then start going after other girls. If her IL is high enough, SHE will initiate the next contact. If she doesn't, then you would have been wasting your time chasing her in the first place. It's win-win.

But it's really important to stop calling her. When someone is busy and a guy/girl is chasing them, it increases the desperation detector sensitivity in their heads 10 fold.

 

[MrHarris]

You need to recognize that this woman has only just met and started talking to you. So she is extremely busy with getting her own **** done.

Your not a major priority on her agenda right now. If you were she would of called you back. It's not a big thing, but you just need to be aware of where you stand.

If your willing to persue someone this busy then go ahead with the knowledge of your own place in her list of priorities.

You should not of asked her if she got your message. That makes you seem desperate and needy. You should of went on as if you had not of left a message.

My favorite message to leave if I ever leave on is "This is Mr.Harris, give me a call when you get this message"

You also should of set a definate date instead of the maybe thing. By pinning her down to a date she will have no choice but to rearrange her schedule.

The way you left it you set yourself up for another disappointment if this girl has to cancel when you call.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

So I decided to take the initiative and call her today anyways and I asked her if she was still up to meet tonight.

She said she haid tonstleitis.

HAHAHA. That's a good one. I said reluctantly "o, okay well then..

HAHAHA! Wow. That was embarassing. She said she'd call me in a few day...but we know that's not happenin'. I took her e-mail and SN and number off my phone.

NEEEEXT!

*starts to cry*

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

A woman is NEVER tooooo busy to see a man who she has interest in - you made your interest known toi her and she should had made a counteroffer (if she was truly interested) for an exact date and time for the future.

Most girls will assure a man that they have interest in him for fear that the guy will not attempt again! They'll say, "I would love to get with you in two weeks after my exams - let's definitely do something" A statement like rhis will encourage the guy not to give up!!

But there was no encouragement on her part - so you know what that means - she was giving you false hope and maybe you would tire of the attempts and give up!!

You called her too much - I would have only given her two chances and then never initiate contact again!!! She knows you like her - you did your job as a man - now she must make the next step willingly!

A month of attemping and waiting for a definite positive response is way too long - don't do this again - it looks desperate!! A girl never postpones a first date for 5 weeks.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Thanks doc.

But what if she does call back?
Hah! I'm working against reality, I know.

IT's just that i don't go looking for women right now. And when I finally DO look (once in a blue moon) I feel that I invest too much energy; oneitis.

I have more questions i'll PM you sometime in the near future Puerto.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

If she calls back then do not chit chat or become a phone friend! Your quest is romantic in nature and nothing else! If she calls you then I imagine it will be to set up a date. Why would you want to talk to her otherwise!

 

[00Kevin]

sometimes girls that are busy will just take time to like you. Don't worry about this. Date other girls in the mean time.

Call her a few more times to let her know that you are interested in her. Then just stop calling her. Don't call her for about a month or more

Then out of the blue just call her and leave a message. If she doesn't call back. Wait a week and call again.

At some point you will call her up at the right time. Some girls like to feel that they have known you for a while. So the longer it takes for anything to start the more she will trust you. don't worry about girls who get busy. Just do the same and date other women. You are after all, not the one who is losing out.

Also don't forget, if she is really busy then she is also really busy for all the other guys in her life.

I recently had a situation just like the one you described. I took her out on one date and she got really busy. So I just ignored her for a while and called once in a blue moon.

Eventually she told me that she had boy problems (guy #1, guy #2, and guy #3). I then told her that she just need to let guy #4 (me) take her for another test drive

It turned out that she needed some action on new years.

 

[NewMan]

You were not agressive enough on the phone.

You were to nice.

You were to accomodating.

Next time be more direct.

Arrange the date and time while on the phone. Have the place and time figured out befor you call.

Never wait until the phone call to think of a date idea. Have ti planned beforehand.

 

[MindOverMatter]

if she is in UCLA, she is probably honest about studying her ass off. and sorority girls are SUPER busy, if you date one, and aren't in a frat, don't expect to see her more then once or twice a week, an expect to have weeks where you don't see her at all (i dated them before and when I was in a frat, I know the difference). they live in the Greek world most of the time.

She is telling the truth about being busy, but at the same time, I know she's not interested. From what you've said, she's not putting any effort in, and seems to have a low interest in you. No amount of mindgames will bring this up in her, find yourself another girl.

 

[cactus3178]

Not sticking up for her (because it sounds like low IL to me anyhow), but this is mid-term week. She's probably telling the truth.

Bottom line, next week (hell, this weekend) when mid-terms are over, she'll either call you or not call you. If she doesn't, so what.

 

[christz]

Originally posted by PuertoRican_Lover
A woman is NEVER tooooo busy to see a man who she has interest in - you made your interest known toi her and she should had made a counteroffer (if she was truly interested) for an exact date and time for the future.
.

isn't this the truth, last serious relationship i was in, this girl would seriously go out of her way to see me. naturally things came up but she would jump on the next oppertunity to see me even if it was only for 10 minutes.

she was an HB9 as well, blonde. funny thing is, to get her to swoon over me i gave her less attention because i realized i was suffocateing her with constant attention and questions about where she was going and why.

regaurdless man i miss that feeling.

*laments*

 

[sapphire]

In those situations I apply what is known as the Jake Steed test (for those who don't know, Jake Steed was a well respected poster who has long since dissappeared from this site.)

If you were Brad Pitt or some other recognized person of fame, looks or status, would she make time to see you? Converesely, if she were Angelina Jolie, would you make time to see her if she was asking you out?

Of course she/you would.

The fact of the matter is her IL is not high enough to override other priorities at the moment.

I find myself doing the same to women. I make excuses not to see women I am not particularly into when I have other things on my mind. But when there is a girl that I am particularly fond of and stands out for whatever reason, I will make time to see her regardless.

 

[ThunderMaverick]

Yeah, I'm not calling her.

It's funny, the people at my work say I should call her in a week. I'm convinced that she's not interested and I'm not going to call her. I think my coworkers are clueless and need this site, for crying out loud.

My supervisor (a very old wise man) told me that I'm a punk if I don't call her in a week. Hahaha! Do you see who I have to work with here?

It's unlikely that I'll call her. Every conversation we've had was about trying to set something up. She couldn't possibly get interested in me when all we did was try to set something up! I blame this on the fucking circumstances!

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Originally posted by ThunderMaverick
...It's unlikely that I'll call her...

What do u mean "unlikely" - this means this is still under consideration - don't call her!!!! You made your interest known and any further action is desperate and she will definitely lose respect for you!!!

Keep your dignity!!

This is most men's downfall - we take toooooo much interest in a woman who isn't reciprocating interest in us and lose our dignity in the process of the chase by not knowing when to stop our pursuit!! Take a hint and leave her alone!!! Only talk to her if SHE calls you to take you up on your offer!!!