Question: G/F and her not liking my friends. Need advice/input

[Bourne]

Been with my g/f for 1.5 years. We live together. All is good. She is great.
I’m 29 and she is 26.

Situtation:
I have friends who are girls that my g/f doesn’t like me having. I have known these 2 friends for 2.5 years. I’ve been friends with them way before I got together with my g/f.

Out of respect for my woman, I have stopped all contacts with previous g/f and flings or any other girls who I had interest.

But not my friends.

Just to give you our dynamic for clarification. These 2 girls are my friends, have always been and there has never been any desire on any of my or their part to get together. Matter of fact, one has a long-term relationship and another is in and out of relationships. Also I was dating and seeing many other girls as I was friends with these 2 girls. As friends we would all go out, hang out at parties, bars, school gatherings, movies, and I would often talk to them about girls as I do to my guy friends etc. They are just way good awesome people, good friends I would do anything for as I would for any of my friends.

Now after I got together with my g/f that all stopped, I stopped going out to parties to look for tail, as I am happy with my current g/f. Me and my g/f often have parties and get togethers at our place with a lot of people and I invite all of my friends.

There lies a problem.

My g/f has expressed disliking my 2 friends. She feels she is sort of competing with them and doesn’t like me talking to them or inviting them. Now out of respect for my g/f I would never put myself in situation where I go and hang out with 2 of my friends just me and them, I always include my g/f. But I do not want to give up my friendship with 2 of my friends because of my g/f disliking it.

So I am in a bind. We are having a lot of our friends together before summer vacation starts at college and I want invite my friends. Do I let go of my friends for my g/f, although I feel that is not right thing to do. I would never expect my g/f to drop any of her friends, girl or guy.
Any input on the situation I would be very grateful.

Thanks guys and gals. Can’t wait to read your responses.

 

[lordson]

it would help if your two friends also had boyfriends

are your two female friends attractive?

 

[MacAvoy]

It becomes a question of priorities for you. I understand that you were friends first w/ them before your g/f. However your g/f should be a priority in your life. You have after all committed yourself to her, you live with her.

I guess the most important question is "What do you see your future to be together?" Do you see her as a potential wife? Or is she a great partner but not someone that your ready to settle down with?

More importantly ask yourself this question, is the friendship worth risking your g/f's happiness and relationship over?

Do you see any way of diffusing the situation? Realistically, I think the only way is to dramatically reduce the amount of time you spend with your friends. I'm betting your spending 95%+ of your social interactions with them. Hence they are ALWAYS around & ALWAYS in your g/f's face.

Do you really need them at every event you do?

(note: great post, just the right amount of details without getting too long)

 

[Nelford]

I would say don't give up your friends, but cut back a little on hanging out with them. I went through this same situation with my ex gf. My friend was super hot and I known her for 20 years. My ex would accuse me of sleeping around with my friend all the time because she was always around, but my friend always invited my ex to hang out without me. Good thing I didn't cut her off because I eventally broke up with the ex.

 

[OneEyedJack]

She's jealous of your relationship with your friends. It could be controlling behavior; it could be a giant **** test.

Because the friendships are on the up and up (no risk of cheating) you may not be solving anything by giving them up.

Think of it from a DJ point of view, (which is to be the best person you can become) would you want to be known to sell your friendships short because of a woman?

Imagaine yourself saying this phrase to your good friends "I can't hang out with you anymore because my gf gets mad."

Do what you are doing, don't give her a real reason to be jealous (by only going out with your friends as a group, as you have been doing).

Remember that according to Anti-Dump's Machine, one should be looking for someone who fits into your life, not the other way around.

 

[cordoncordon]

I would not give up your friends. I would make an offer to your gf to have a sit down with all of you, (you, the gf, and the friends), to assure her that you have no intention of sleeping with any of them. That way you can get it all out in the open.

I can see why your gf would be jealous, but she is wrong to be so imo.

 

[MotownMack]

I've got a pretty diverse group of friends, some which I chose not to "inter mingle" for various reasons, because they come from different walks of life, etc.
So,

1) Time away from your girl is good. You can hang out with them when you are not with her, or bring them around less frequently.

2) This may have nothing to do with your situation, but I make it habit NOT to share some things with the girl I am dating that will cause her to make judgements or not like them. Sometimes you are inclined to share everything w/your gf, but this can back fire. Example: I was at a hockey tournament and one of the married guys was kissing on some chick in the club. I don't recall how it came up, but it did, and my g/f kind of disliked the guy from that point on. She doesn't even know his wife and he's not that close of a friend, but I still should have kept my mouth shut.

3) It's totally normal for you not to like some of gfs friends and visa versa. Extreme dislike is another matter, but just really connecting with someone or disliking some aspect of their personality is normal. You just deal with it, that's what couples do. This is really more her problem than yours, IMO. She needs to grow up a little.

 

[Bourne]

good responses.

To answer some questions:

- good points MoTown Jack. I've been in similar situtaion you mention in number 2.

- "lordson" - my friends are fairly attractive

- I considerably to pretty cut out the time from us hanging out together. Last time we all got together was last summer and my g/f made up in her head that one of my friends made an effort talk to me when no one was around.

After me and my g/f had a talk about it. Since then I only talked to my friends through email, once in while phone calls and maybe twice I stopped by where they live for brief moment to catch up.

- as you can see this is bothering me. I feel like my friends are just the symptoms to a bigger problem. I feel like I can replace my friends with anyone else and she would still feel like that.

- "OneEyedJack" - she has told me she is the jealuous kind. She is and has been great woman, with this one red flag thats been an issue with us. This could be some sort of controlling behavior she is not aware of.

We often go out with other friends to bars and parties and if leave her behind for certain amount of time and don't give her attention I usually suffer her consequences feeling down, wanting to leave, etc. So i feel like I can never leave her side so to speak. I am very social and love to talk to everyone. I include my g/f in all of it, but sometimes her attitude is too appearent that it kills the mood.

We do have great other time, "date", one on one dynamic that is amazing.

- "MacAvoy" - I do see my future with this woman.
"is the friendship worth risking your g/f's happiness and relationship over?"
that is my big issue, that seems like an ultimatum that I feel may be presented. I feel like you should never give up friends because of your current relationship,but yet how do you keep the two going.
We all haven't hung out together since last summer.

but this has been in the back of my mind, eating away.

thanks guys

 

[DavenJuan]

It becomes a question of priorities for you. I understand that you were friends first w/ them before your g/f. However your g/f should be a priority in your life. You have after all committed yourself to her, you live with her.

I guess the most important question is "What do you see your future to be together?" Do you see her as a potential wife? Or is she a great partner but not someone that your ready to settle down with?

More importantly ask yourself this question, is the friendship worth risking your g/f's happiness and relationship over?

Do you see any way of diffusing the situation? Realistically, I think the only way is to dramatically reduce the amount of time you spend with your friends. I'm betting your spending 95%+ of your social interactions with them. Hence they are ALWAYS around & ALWAYS in your g/f's face.

Do you really need them at every event you do?

(note: great post, just the right amount of details without getting too long)

MAC..

i normally find myself agreeing with you but in this case and in most of the replies i COMPLETELY disagree.

the problem (if any) is your women. if you havent given her any reason to NOT be friends with them.

if you were going out behind her back, sneaking around talking to these friends, then i can understand her concern.

but if this is not the case there is absolutely NO REASON why you should base any part of YOUR friends around her.

this is an insecurity on her behalf not yours. the fact you are even "thinking" about ditchiing your friends is a big issue. dont give her that type of control.

again, this assuming that you havent given her reasons to doubt your commitment.

 

[Bourne]

this is an insecurity on her behalf not yours. the fact you are even "thinking" about ditchiing your friends is a big issue. dont give her that type of control.

again, this assuming that you havent given her reasons to doubt your commitment.

I explained to her few times, describing everything and our dynamic. and how i don't stay in touch with other girls who I had interest in, but i don't give up my friends.

Still we have not reached any sort of compromise or solution. She says she feels how she feels. Perhaps she does, but she is not looking what is true and not true. she just feels

 

[OneEyedJack]

Seeing as you have had communication and talked about it - being open. It might mean that it is her problem now.

Has she been cheated on in the past? Has she had her trust ripped from her in another way? Talking over her insecurities with a therapist might do her some good.

(Might do a lot of us on here some good)

 

[The Bat]

I would never expect my g/f to drop any of her friends, girl or guy.

We often go out with other friends to bars and parties and if leave her behind for certain amount of time and don't give her attention I usually suffer her consequences feeling down, wanting to leave, etc. So i feel like I can never leave her side so to speak. I am very social and love to talk to everyone. I include my g/f in all of it, but sometimes her attitude is too appearent that it kills the mood.

That first part I quoted is very important. If you don't expect her to drop any of her friends, then you should be demanding the same expectation from her. If you don't demand the same expectation, then you're compromising. You're saying to yourself, "Oh you know what it's ok that she does that because at least I'm in a relationship with her. But if I did something like what she's doing, then that's completely unacceptable." Do you see where I'm going with this?

The second part I quoted is also equally important out of all information you have provided. What are you, her father, that she needs looked after and kept to your side at all times? I understand that this isn't your behavior, you'd rather be free and be able to socialize with everyone, correct? However, she doesn't want you to be that free. I forget who it was that said, "Be free like a bird because girls will want to pull you and put you in a cage. That cage is called commitment."

She obviously has insecurity and jealousy issues. There is very little you can do about it except you can let her know your intentions with your friends and your expectations from her in the relationship. Have you tried telling her all of these things that you mentioned about your friends (their LTR status) here in the original post? If so, what did she say?

You have tons of red flags here, my friend.

 

[DavenJuan]

I explained to her few times, describing everything and our dynamic. and how i don't stay in touch with other girls who I had interest in, but i don't give up my friends.

Still we have not reached any sort of compromise or solution. She says she feels how she feels. Perhaps she does, but she is not looking what is true and not true. she just feels

..... let it be clear that your "conversations" and reasoning and explaining to her that she has nothing to worry about is WHY she will always complain about them.

you are inadvertantely fueling this fire by giving it life.

the more you entertain her idea that this is wrong, she will come back and tell you why what she feel is right.

never let someone dictate your decisions

 

[MacAvoy]

Ok DavenJuan, I'm going to do a 180 here.

My comments were largely based on my perception that I made from his OP. To me it came across that he is spending a tonne of time with his female friends, socializing every weekend.

I can see why she would get jealous in that scenario, which is why I made my post. However based on his clarification, and his english is a little off but it sounds like he's drastically reduced the amount of time that he spends with these two females.

So I'm going to side w/ everyone and agree that she has jealousy issues. Now you have to decide of how big of an issue this is for you. Are you willing to take a risk to recitfy the situation? If so, here's what I would recommend.

I would sit down and talk to her. I would begin by saying how much you love her, respect & value her, how you thought you could picture yourself spending your future with her but after doing alot of reflecting, you've decided that she isn't the right women and its time for you to move on.

Leave it at that. Make her pry it out of you why she isn't the right women. After she prodes, calmly explain to her that you value your life and what you've built up and you believe in compromise but that your not going to end long standing friendships because your partner is unhealthy and jealous. Tell her that, someone like that is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Then move on. Force him to come crawling back to you and don't take her back unless she promises to accept it and never bring it up again. If she ever renigs on her promise, don't call her out, simply dump her so she realizes your serious and not joking.

_______________________________________

Now that I've said how I would combat it. I'm going to state that I disagree 100% with my advice. Personally I wouldn't accept it if my girlfriend, a g/f that I see as a potential wife to have multiple male friends.

I also believe that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Therefore if I expect her not to have significant male friends, then I wouldn't do so either. I'm not saying she can't have no male acquantances, however I don't think she should have "close" male friends. Social people have people of both sexes in their circles.

However being close friends and being in the same social circle are totally different things. As important as it is to have your own life, if your truly building a future together, you should have the same social circle. You should also be hanging out mainly with couples as well and not a large group of single people for the most part (dependent on your age and maturity).

I can honestly say I don't have any close female friends. I have alot of females in my social circle but NONE that I would put before a significant other. There is a female that I'm very close to, however she is my cousin. To me women are meant to fvck and men are meant to be close bud's aka bros before ho's. I don't like to cross the two.

 

[DavenJuan]

mac..

im glad you clarified your previous post.

the way you would handle that situation, i would do the same. but i fear that the OP is not ready or in that position to make comments like that and MEAN THEM.

you shouldnt do ANYTHING just to get a reaction out of someone. i know that YOU in that postions would mean it. i dont know if i can say the same for the OP.

your last part of your post though is a bit 50/50.

in relationships, espcially LTRs there are compromises that need to be made on BOTH ends and "comfortabely" made. and what i mean by comfortably is made not out of spite but geniune thoughtfullness.

HOWEVER... if you beleive in something and your friendships mean alot to you, then you should not jeopardize or "negotiate" how you feel. she MET you the same way you are today.

perfect example ....:

if you meet a women and she is very thin, and then after 5 months together she gains a ton of weight, you have the right to protest this change.

however if she was fat when you met her and 5 months later she is still fat.. well i dont believe you have the right to protest anything. you met her this way and accepted it. you cant CHANGE anyone nor should you want to.

now MAC...

If the OP said that he really didnt care for his friends all that much and it wasnt that important to him, then i can understand.

but he DOES want to keep his friends. activities, how much time spent, and how his gf is treated by these friends are the biggest factor in all this

 

[Bourne]

DavenJuan, you seem to know where I am coming from. Thanks for the input.
I'm going to talk to her about it, while still inviting my friends. We'll see how it goes.

 

[Latinoman]

Been with my g/f for 1.5 years. We live together. All is good. She is great.
I’m 29 and she is 26.

Situtation:
I have friends who are girls that my g/f doesn’t like me having. I have known these 2 friends for 2.5 years. I’ve been friends with them way before I got together with my g/f.

Out of respect for my woman, I have stopped all contacts with previous g/f and flings or any other girls who I had interest.

But not my friends.

Just to give you our dynamic for clarification. These 2 girls are my friends, have always been and there has never been any desire on any of my or their part to get together. Matter of fact, one has a long-term relationship and another is in and out of relationships. Also I was dating and seeing many other girls as I was friends with these 2 girls. As friends we would all go out, hang out at parties, bars, school gatherings, movies, and I would often talk to them about girls as I do to my guy friends etc. They are just way good awesome people, good friends I would do anything for as I would for any of my friends.

Now after I got together with my g/f that all stopped, I stopped going out to parties to look for tail, as I am happy with my current g/f. Me and my g/f often have parties and get togethers at our place with a lot of people and I invite all of my friends.

There lies a problem.

My g/f has expressed disliking my 2 friends. She feels she is sort of competing with them and doesn’t like me talking to them or inviting them. Now out of respect for my g/f I would never put myself in situation where I go and hang out with 2 of my friends just me and them, I always include my g/f. But I do not want to give up my friendship with 2 of my friends because of my g/f disliking it.

So I am in a bind. We are having a lot of our friends together before summer vacation starts at college and I want invite my friends. Do I let go of my friends for my g/f, although I feel that is not right thing to do. I would never expect my g/f to drop any of her friends, girl or guy.
Any input on the situation I would be very grateful.

Thanks guys and gals. Can’t wait to read your responses.

Under the current circunstances and based on the way you explained things...I would say you should invite them as in my book they fit the description of a TRUE friend.

Just have a talk with your girlfriend and tell her that you are inviting those ALL your friends and out of respect for her, you are telling her in advance so she knows.

She is going to whine and cry...and you are going to tell her that you love her...that you respect her...but that you are not going to tolerate any sort of emotional manipulation.

What it is going to happen? She is going to either shu_t up and respect you...or she is going to eventually come with some new "male" friend thing to get even. If she comes with the "male" friend thing to get even...simply DUMP her. You cannot be in a relationship that is poisonous and based on black mails.

Once again, my advice is to YOU given the conditions of your relationship with those two women. In essense, you are a "girlfriend" to them and you probably see them as sisters.

 

[Latinoman]

Another thing...

as long as you genuinely RESPECT her and as long as you are not contributing toward others disrespecting her (e.g. if one of your friends had the hots for you and you continue going out with that person, then you are contributing toward that friend disrespecting your girl).


Having said that...it is not as you are hanging with them all the time. Correct?

If you are FAIR...you should be alright.

The problem arises when you are fair...but you allow your girl to dictate the way the relationship will go. You will be literally screwed if you marry her.

Living together was a HUGE mistake too.

 

[Bourne]

Thanks LatinoMan.
Great advice.

Yes, I've always been fair to my woman and I haven't hung out with them since last summer because of this situation. I've seen them here and there, I stopped by their place once or twice and through emails. But its been bugging me ever since. I hate doing this to my friends and I don't like how she reacts to this situation, toward some of my other friends and situations relating me not giving her attention when we are out with a group at bars and when we have parties.

You said it perfectly. I see them as my sisters and they see me as their brother.

 

[Bourne]

Update:

I had the talk. Here is the breakdown.
- my g/fsays that even though I see this as completely from friends level. She feels that one of the friends/girls see it more. I disagreed with her completely, since why would we be friends for 2 years and nothing ever gave me any sense of her in any way wanting to be with me.
- she says that this my friend flirts with me.
- she says that numerous times when I'm not around with my g/f, my friend dissed her and disrespected her.
- she says that since we became a couple, that my friends don't like her (my g/f) since she took me away from my friends and their source of fun.

I pretty much got stuck.

My g/f told me that my friend disrespected her numerous amount of times when I'm not around. I have a hard time seeing that since I really don't think that happened coming my friend. Perhaps I am missing her point of view. Perhaps she is not seeing things as they really are and overseeing and overanalyzes the situation. I did tell her that she maybe seeing this from a skewed pov and not seeing things how they truly are.

So it was pretty much implied that I have to choose between letting go of my friend or unhappy g/f.

I really don't know if what she is saying actually happened. I don't think my friend would do that. At the same time I don't think my g/f is lying just to win.

Basically I'm stuck, trying to figure this out. I guess the answer will reveal itself through going on further and dealing with this. This kind of sucks.