Question from a Newbie

[MovinOnUp]

Everyone,

I have lurked around this site for quite a while now, picking up what I could and trying to apply it to life. I have scarcely posted, mainly because I have been hesitant to get out there and do the work. Anyway, I have a question that may seem profoundly basic to a lot of you, but hey, I will admit that I need some coaching. Your opinions are appreciated.

There is a woman that I am interested in who works at a place (not important) that I frequent. The nature of the place allows me to chat her up when she is not busy, and I have had a few short -- but o.k. -- conversations with her. I managed to make her laugh a few times, managed to get her talking about herself, and got her to explain her nickname to me (she uses it on her name badge). Anyway, she's cute and doesn't seem opposed to me chatting her up, so I approached her the other night and had the following exchange:

Me: hey ****, would you like to go have a beer with me sometime?
Her: "Maybe"
Me: Maybe?
Her: "Maybe"
Me: "Well, give me your phone number and I'll give you a call"
Her: <writes down number and hands it to me>

I smiled, she smiled, and I got out of Dodge.

I called her last night but she didn't answer. I didn't leave a message and just hung up. I plan on calling her one more time and leaving one message if she doesn't answer. If that doesn't work, no big deal.

If I do get her, I plan on telling her when and where I'll be somewhere and telling her she should join me. If she flakes, that's fine. If not, I proceed from there.

I realize that I probably should have been more assertive in the asking phase, and could have phrased things differently. And I figure "maybe" really just means "no". I'm pleased with myself that I actually asked her, but I don't want to waste my time with someone who is wishy-washy. Please feel free to critique this. I'll gladly provide more info if needed.

Thanks!

 

[Igetit!]

What's up man,

I hate,Hate it when you ask a woman out and she says maybe,or "I don't know",or "I'm not sure". I can't stand that. I'd rather she just say no and get it over with. This girl may be interseted in you,but personally,I've never had a "maybe" or a "I don't know" turn into a date. I've had a woman say no to me when I asked her out, and then later on we went out on a date,but never a "maybe".

Anyway,I have a few questions. First of all,how long had you been going out to where she works and talking to her before you finally asked her out and got her number?

Also,all of these times that you've been talking to her,what kinds of things did the two of you talk about? Be very clear and accurate on this question.

One last question:How much time passed between the time you got her number and when you called her?

 

[MovinOnUp]

Igetit...Thanks for the reply. I agree -- I would have rather she just said "no" than "maybe". I can think of one woman in particular who had the actual courage to turn me down cold, and although nothing ever came of it, I have nothing but respect for her. There was never any awkwardness between us afterward (I had known her for quite a while) because she was honest. Amazing, huh?

I've known of her for about two months, although I started going out of my way to chat her up about three weeks ago. Before that, I'm not sure she knew I existed because she was usually busy and I was too nervous to walk up and say hi.

So about two weeks ago, I found out from someone who knew her that she had tickets to attend a concert I will be attending. I had a good conversation starter, so I walked up, asked her name, and said I had heard that she would be there. She asked me if I would be there and I said "yes" and told her a bit about one of the band's other shows I had seen. Trying to keep the conversation going, I told her that this particular band is deafening and told her to bring earplugs. She laughed and said maybe drinking a few beers would work the same. Anyway, then she got busy and I had to leave anyway. I know I seemed nervous and she seemed a bit stand-offish, but I just wanted to get a foot in the door.

Let's see, the next time I walked in, she made a point of saying hello to me. Later that night, when I needed some change for the jukebox, I walked up and got her laughing again by proclaiming that I "had some demands" and wanted five dollars in change. I then got her to laugh again by telling her that I was going to play nothing but Michael Bolton, Kenny G, etc. Lame? Maybe. But I was just trying to get her to laugh.

The most recent time was Monday night. Some folks at the establishment were wearing costumes, so I asked her if she was going out for Halloween. She said "you know it" and when I asked her what she was dressing as, she proceeded to launch into a fairly detailed description of her costume and discussed some problems she was having getting everything together. I was doing really well, but just then, she got busy again, so I smiled and walked off.

I asked her out later that night, when she was just sitting and doing nothing.

I called her the next night, which I know was probably a mistake. I honestly wasn't being overeager, although maybe she'd interpret it that way. I just figure that doing things my own way is fine, so long as I back it up by being nonchalant when I actually talk to her.

But hey, maybe I blew it. Thoughts?

Espi -- Thanks! I agree with you about not accepting the wishy-washy response. If I had it to do over again, I would have followed her giving me her number with a big s**t eating grin and said "thanks! MAYBE I'll give you a call".

Either way, I guess I'm proud of myself that I had enough guts to just step up and try. I've not had much success with this in the past, and I know that it's going to take work (and a few fumbles) to get better.

 

[FairShake]

If I had it to do over again, I would have followed her giving me her number with a big s**t eating grin and said "thanks! MAYBE I'll give you a call".

That's pretty much the best response ever. Turning around their words on them is always clever and shows you aren't phased by her behavior.

Either way, I guess I'm proud of myself that I had enough guts to just step up and try. I've not had much success with this in the past, and I know that it's going to take work (and a few fumbles) to get better.

And that is the best attitude to have. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.

 

[MovinOnUp]

Alright, here's an update for anyone who would care to comment:

I decided to just let things be for now. I didn't try to call her tonight, although I think I will give it a shot tomorrow night and try to set something up for next week. If I get her, I'm just going to ask her to meet me at "Such and Such place" at "Such and Such time". Classic low pressure, which seems like a good plan given her wishy-washy reply. If she flakes she flakes. I'll still be hanging out at a place I like and can still have a good time. If I don't get her by phone, I'll leave a message and then leave it be until she says something about it. If she doesn't, no big deal. Life goes on.

Oddly enough, I was standing in line at the grocery store tonight, and she walked right by me. I'm not sure whether she saw me, and although I hate to admit it, I just froze and let her go on by instead of saying anything. I hope she didn't see me looking like a deer in headlights. But that can't be helped now. Rookie mistake.

 

[MovinOnUp]

What should I do if she brings it up? Feign ignorance? Turn it on her and say something like "yeah, I saw you. Why didn't you stop and say hello?" Or something altogether different?

 

[MovinOnUp]

Thanks Espi. I definitely see the wisdom in just pretending it didn't happen, or if it does come up, acting nonchalant or even playful about it.

I appreciate the advice!

 

[MovinOnUp]

An update for those who chimed in earlier...

Well guys, I may have a foot in the door with this girl after all. If you recall, I got her number and she gave me a wishy-washy "maybe" answer. I tried calling her once (got no answer) and basically decided to just let things be. I knew I'd see her again at her job (where I met her) and I figured I'd try gauging her interest level when we crossed paths.

So I saw her last Monday night, and she was friendly and we made some small talk. The beauty of it was I had some female friends show up (planned it that way) and I spent the night chatting them up. I resisted the urge to try anything. I just sort of acted like "whatever -- I'm here to have fun with friends." When I left, she made an offhand comment that she'd see me at a concert that we were both attending (see above post). I said "sure, perhaps I'll see you there" and walked out.

So cut to tonight. I made a couple of turns around the venue and didn't see her. And I am happy to say there was no "one-itis" about it. I just wanted to say "hello," and since I didn't see her, I bought a beer and rejoined my friends. The show was awesome. I could have cared less whether I saw her or not.

So at the end of the show, I had the chance to get up on stage with the band. I was thus in a prominent place and easy to spot. When the show ended and I hopped off the stage, lo and behold, there she was. She had made a point of walking over to find me, and we chatted for a bit about the show. I made a point of touching her arm a few times just to see how she'd react, and she was alright with it. The conversation had some awkward moments, but I did my best to keep it going and keep it light.

The best part is, when she left, she gave me a piece of paper with her name and e-mail address (she had clearly written it down before the show, as it was written on a name tag bearing her nickname) and said she wouldn't be working at the place I met her anymore. So I took that as a "********" way of her telling me to give her a call.

Anyway, I'll probably try calling her on Tuesday (I'm busy tomorrow night) to see if she wants to get together. She told me all about some games she likes to play at her house, which again said to me: "I'm giving you a hint in my indirect woman way."

So that's the update. Your thoughts?

 

[MovinOnUp]

Alright, so I called her last night after waiting for almost two days. She didn't answer, so I went ahead and left a message.

I didn't get too in depth or anything...I just said hello, said it was great running into her at the concert, and then told her I said some interesting ideas of fun things to do (no specifics), and then said bye and "got out of dodge."

I haven't heard back from her, so now I guess I get to play the waiting game. I have a gut feeling she is going to flake, which surprises me a bit (even though I guess it shouldn't) given her rather forward digit drop Sunday night. That's women for you, I guess.

So now I'm wondering whether to engage in a bit of the confident persistence that I read about on the articles page. I have a tendency to just give up at the first roadblock with a woman, and I'm thinking maybe I should just press the issue (while keeping my eyes open for other options) until I get a definite answer.

Anyway, I told some of you that I'd provide updates. I'd like very much to get some feedback.