Question for guys who have had to deal with ex-boyfriends

[usscrum]

suppose i am suspicious that my GF is still in love with her ex boyfriend of 4 years (they dated off and on throughout high school...she's 19 now and about to be a sophomore in college). i have had these suspicions since the day I met her back in the beginning of April, and because of this i have kept my guard up and avoided having oneitis for her. we've been "officially" dating for nearly a month now but i've known her for about 2 and a half.

my problem is that i am not a true DJ yet. i reeled her in perfectly and i am not an AFC at all with her, but i still have trouble approaching and creating attraction so I want to keep her around for the ***** while I am working on my inner game. she has a very high IL in me, my friends and family love her, and is all in all a great girlfriend outside of the fact that she still has feelings for her ex.

she refuses to admit this to me (don't worry i dont ask her about it or act needy)...her story is that she lost interest in him and he is desperate to get back with her but she refuses because she has no more feelings for him and he cheated on her multiple times. i don't believe this one bit. he was her first in just about everything, and apparently was very controlling and emotionally manipulative. my gut tells me he dumped her and she is still hung up on him.

she has dated some real pieces of **** in the past and i have no doubt that i am a better boyfriend than anyone she's ever been with (she's told me as much) but we all know that doesn't matter...its all about how a guy makes her feel. deep down i think she realizes that i'm the kind of guy she deserves and is genuinely trying to get over her ex but i don't see it happening and i don't see myself ever letting my guard down because of this. she knows that i have no problem leaving her in a heartbeat if she disrespects me and thus i am in control of the relationship.

my question is this: have any of you been with girls who have been in a very long, rocky relationships where she is not completely over her ex when you start dating? if so, have you had success with removing her emotional attachment from the previous relationship? right now I am going to keep my options open because i'm not particularly optimistic about this girl, but i want to keep her around because i have a lot of fun with her and i genuinely feel that she is a good person.

thanks in advance guys.

 

[DonGorgon]

suppose i am suspicious that my GF is....

ok now there is that problem or your problem.. You need to com to terms with the fact that worrying about monogamy is a waste of time.. Treat her as best you can.. make sure she is treating you as best she can.. get all the sex you can from her.. that is the most you can do everything else is out of your control.. women are not logical so she will do things bassed on vague random feelings..

At the moment you are doing what the female should be doing "worrying" you should be out spinning plates and being mysterious that will make her focus on you more .. oh and make sure you are more than satisfying her sexually cause when the PU$$Y *** the heart stays longer..

A woman interprets your worrying as insecurity and weekness even if she is cheating so dont bother just go get you some female friends

 

[DonGorgon]

Most females are not good for more than an F or two... if she is attracted to bad boys then you better have a bad boy streak or she will get bored very fast..

 

[usscrum]

if she is attracted to bad boys then you better have a bad boy streak or she will get bored very fast..

I'm not a "bad boy" by any means, but she knows that I have a set of balls and won't take **** from anyone, including her. I get the feeling she is the kind of girl that is drawn to dysfunctional relationships so yeah, she may get bored because I'm not going to refuse to let her go out with her girlfriends or tell her what she can or cannot do. I'm not going to start doing coke, getting in random fights, or treating her like **** just to keep her interested so if she gets bored, oh well. she can go back to her piece of sh1t ex.

You are acting insecure and that will drive her away.

I know I sound insecure, but I am not acting that way towards her. I don't poke and prod her for info on her ex, I don't ask about him. She volunteers this information and I pretty much react indifferently.

 

[SleepyRangerMedic82D]

usscrum,

dude, unfortunately I dealt with something very similar about a year ago. I knew the girl for about 5 years, great girl, who had been in about a 4 year relationship that was rocky at best. I returned from Afghanistan spring of last year and started a relationship with her (Long Distance, I was in North Carolina and she lived in Philly, PA). It only lasted about 4 months, mainly due to her cheating with her ex. To make a long story short, if you are with her and have doubts, then they are probably very valid.

The biggest red flags are if she keeps him in her life at all. That is a big Red Flag, because it shows she does care for him. Next, you need to find out if they are still talking. If he is there, when you can't be (Playing the DJ/Non Needy guy), she is going to naturally lean on him and as you know, it is all based on how you make her feel versus how the ex makes her feel.

Bottom line is, you are in a tough spot man. I genuinely feel for you because I went through the exact same thing, and handled it wrong. My mistake was giving her an ultimatum of me or him. She lied and said she wasn't going to talk to him anymore. I was there for her, but in reality she was way more needy that I could keep happy. So when I was waking up at 5am and working until 6pm and lifting weights in gym for an hour a night, she needed attentioon that I couldn't give.

Sorry for all the info about how I got burned.. In hindsight I am glad, and I learned a lot from it. Just know that your gut is probably right and you will have to decide how you want to handle the situation. I honestly would back off a bit and kinda let her figure things out for herself. That is truly the only way you will win in the end. The Caveman "you are mine and thats it!" works sometimes, but in cases of a woman's feelings, dude, they are all crazy.. Even my girlfriend I have now LMAO.. Just gotta make them feel good and crave being with you.. And as long as you are having sex regularly and its good, there isn't very much to sweat..

Rangers Lead the Way!

 

[JerryFl08]

The biggest red flags are if she keeps him in her life at all. That is a big Red Flag, because it shows she does care for him. Next, you need to find out if they are still talking. If he is there, when you can't be (Playing the DJ/Non Needy guy), she is going to naturally lean on him and as you know, it is all based on how you make her feel versus how the ex makes her feel.

im in this situation but actually im the ex.. and im not gonna lie i kinda do wanta get her back.. lately her current guy has been goin to mexico to visit family and theirs no service or something that they cant talk and that guy is like a complete wuss.. i've been tryin to initiate no contact to try to keep her wondering about me.. but now that i've read this im wondering if maybe i should see if i can get her back or something

 

[usscrum]

usscrum,

dude, unfortunately I dealt with something very similar about a year ago. I knew the girl for about 5 years, great girl, who had been in about a 4 year relationship that was rocky at best. I returned from Afghanistan spring of last year and started a relationship with her (Long Distance, I was in North Carolina and she lived in Philly, PA). It only lasted about 4 months, mainly due to her cheating with her ex. To make a long story short, if you are with her and have doubts, then they are probably very valid.

The biggest red flags are if she keeps him in her life at all. That is a big Red Flag, because it shows she does care for him. Next, you need to find out if they are still talking. If he is there, when you can't be (Playing the DJ/Non Needy guy), she is going to naturally lean on him and as you know, it is all based on how you make her feel versus how the ex makes her feel.

Bottom line is, you are in a tough spot man. I genuinely feel for you because I went through the exact same thing, and handled it wrong. My mistake was giving her an ultimatum of me or him. She lied and said she wasn't going to talk to him anymore. I was there for her, but in reality she was way more needy that I could keep happy. So when I was waking up at 5am and working until 6pm and lifting weights in gym for an hour a night, she needed attentioon that I couldn't give.

Sorry for all the info about how I got burned.. In hindsight I am glad, and I learned a lot from it. Just know that your gut is probably right and you will have to decide how you want to handle the situation. I honestly would back off a bit and kinda let her figure things out for herself. That is truly the only way you will win in the end. The Caveman "you are mine and thats it!" works sometimes, but in cases of a woman's feelings, dude, they are all crazy.. Even my girlfriend I have now LMAO.. Just gotta make them feel good and crave being with you.. And as long as you are having sex regularly and its good, there isn't very much to sweat..

Rangers Lead the Way!

he's still in her life. he is blocked off her facebook but she has called him and eh has called her when they have needed things. in fact the second time we ever hung out she had just gotten back from his college (which is about 4 hours away from hers) and she had gotten in a huge fight with him because of his new girlfriend. fast forward 2 months and me and her are dating.

i'm definitely going to keep my guard up and start looking around for a replacement. it sucks because she's a really great girl and i know she likes me but i sometimes get the feeling that if he called her right now and said he wanted to be with her, she'd ditch me in a heartbeat. maybe she'll lose her feelings for him eventually, who knows. but i think as long as its always in the back of my mind and as long as i'm able to leave her at the drop of a dime i'll be in good shape.

 

[Nickname]

You're really investing a lot in this relationship. Many people may not like it, but here's what I'd do in a similar situation: confront her, be blatant. I'm not saying that she acts that way to make you feel bad, chances are that her emotions are mixed up and that she suffers, too. The result is the same: she's playing with you.

Now, we're no caveman, so forcing her to stay away from the guy is not an option. Instead, tell her to make a decision. You're not a toy, and you're not available for that ex-boyfriend crap. Either way you can't lose. If she goes back to her ex, this only means that she's weak and unstable, plus she would have done so anyway, sooner or later. You might suffer for a moment, but don't forget the weeks of insecurity and pain that were yet to come, or that you went through already. If she tells you she let the other guy go, make her prove it to you. Control your emotions and let her struggle. She must learn that you are the prize.

 

[AF77]

You want to know exactly what to do?
DUMP her.
Now.
And do it almost without any remorse or feeling and act like it's not a big deal. Seriously.

If you do this now you will thank me later. If you don't, you will regret it.

 

[Juan_Man]

Unless you have some real evidence (like text messages, people spotting her with her ex, catching her in a lie), you shouldn't worry about the ex. Otherwise, you will just come off insecure and needy, which will drive her away faster than any ex-boyfriend will.

 

[SleepyRangerMedic82D]

uss,

If they are still actively in each other's lives then it is going to cause issues later on. If he does have a new GF and is "over" her, then its a little better. I personally have no issues with a GF having male friends, but generally, if they are friends, he is in a relationship or a non threatening dude (i.e. no attraction)..

As bad as it's gonna suck to hear, he probably is already telling her that he wants her back and she is probably discussing in detail all of your flaws and why she isn't happy with you (if that is the case).. Dude I know all too well.. I have little sexual desire for my ex's but I do occasionally talk to them, and they all love to tell me about how they miss what we had, and how they have cheated on their current bf's for whatever reasons, or just that they are unhappy. I don't try and steal them or anything, but women are pretty much all messed up in the head and don't make decisions based on logic ya know? It's all about how you make them feel.. Make her feel a certain way and she will act like a puppy and do whatever you want her to for a reward. It's all about making her feel.. Sad but true

To the other guys who posted, Right on! I think we have all dealt with this situation in some way, shape, or form in our lives. It is a very unhealthy cycle to be a part of. It's why a lot of married men have their hearts broken by infidelity. Women will cheat if they don't have that feeling.. Gotta keep em excited and craving you like a drug.. then you have the power.. until you get lazy

 

[playerone]

Why worry about something you don't have control of? Work on what you can control, and be a man at all times. Treat her as well as you want, at the end of the day if she cheats on you, well, dump her and move on to someone more worthy of your love. You won't be bothered if she's getting it on with her ex-boyfriend or not. Just know that if you catch her, you are ready to leave anytime.

 

[SleepyRangerMedic82D]

Pretty much right on Attitude..