I am having trouble relaxing into a LTR with my g/f, and I wonder if its because my intuition/gut/cognitive dissonance is active. There are lots of posters here who will scoff at an LTR at all, but this post assumes that I've gotten past whether LTRs are good/bad/indifferent. It also assumes that I would be interested in getting to know and trust her rather than just getting a regular lay and a regular date.
She's between 26 and 30; a deal lawyer like me. This girl is not super-hot; she is very cute and small. She is used to being very much the center of attention, flirty and exuding confidence, though I know in reality she is supremely insecure about a lot of things (I posted a few months ago about how she got offended at hearing me mention my ex in public and acted inappropriately).
She has raised a number of red flags, big and small:
Scandalous - of 6 people she has slept with, 5 occurred cheating on a b/f
-called me up on her b/f's birthday to talk dirty
- Took a girl co-worker to a party of a law school friend, hooked up with another guy there (ie, even at an advanced age where there was a professional setting, she got drunk enough to act like a sl*t)
Monkey girl - I am the 3rd LTR she's had that was at least partially set up in advance, and her last one was not over until we were physically involved (I wanted a physical relationship at a minimum, so why say no. I didn't think it would get to this point)
No discretion/ social filter - she will talk about anything with almost anyone:
-before we started dating, had drinks with me (I was still in a very LTR) and told me about how her relationship was on the skids, how she hooked up/cheated on her b/f one night mentioned above (with a mutual acquaintance of theirs -- this is after law school, so we're not talking college indiscretions but grown-up cheating)
-first time we made out, she had no idea that my relationship was ending (ie, she should have thought I was cheating but didn't have an issue with it until after we'd hooked up)
-same event, she commented on her b/f's size inadequacy
-Told me about her best vacation; she and a roommate went out and had a mini-romance with 2 other guys. I said "Weren't you engaged though at that point?" and she said "Oh yeah."
Foolhardy - Jumps into things too quickly (bought a house with the last b/f even after cheating on him, realizing she didn't like him)
On the plus side, when we got to a certain point, she went crazy:
-calls all the time
-does all the asking out/planning
-wants me to get involved with everything in her life (sometimes too much)
- brings up kinky sex (offers to do anything I want, spends loads on lingerie, etc.)
- talks about fate (jokingly but that is cover)
- wants to know about my life, my kids, etc.
- wants to spend lots of time together
I've done some messed up things in the course of this too (and at other times), so I would rather not judge her. Also, I don't want to throw stones. We all have done sh*tty things when we were young because it didn't matter or whatever, and people change (I for one feel horrible about the cheating that I have done). But not being judgmental is not the same thing as failing to read what is in front of you.
On the other hand, I've gotten into good or decent situations before and messed myself over by being too anxious for more.
Basically, my issue is when you can't relax and enjoy what is going on either (1) there is some insecurity of your own (meaning, it may be a good situation but I'm unstable about something/too afraid of a good thing to enjoy it) or (2) your subconscious is trying to tell you something (she's going to f*ck you over).
I just can't figure out which this is.
She's between 26 and 30; a deal lawyer like me. This girl is not super-hot; she is very cute and small. She is used to being very much the center of attention, flirty and exuding confidence, though I know in reality she is supremely insecure about a lot of things (I posted a few months ago about how she got offended at hearing me mention my ex in public and acted inappropriately).
She has raised a number of red flags, big and small:
Scandalous - of 6 people she has slept with, 5 occurred cheating on a b/f
-called me up on her b/f's birthday to talk dirty
- Took a girl co-worker to a party of a law school friend, hooked up with another guy there (ie, even at an advanced age where there was a professional setting, she got drunk enough to act like a sl*t)
Monkey girl - I am the 3rd LTR she's had that was at least partially set up in advance, and her last one was not over until we were physically involved (I wanted a physical relationship at a minimum, so why say no. I didn't think it would get to this point)
No discretion/ social filter - she will talk about anything with almost anyone:
-before we started dating, had drinks with me (I was still in a very LTR) and told me about how her relationship was on the skids, how she hooked up/cheated on her b/f one night mentioned above (with a mutual acquaintance of theirs -- this is after law school, so we're not talking college indiscretions but grown-up cheating)
-first time we made out, she had no idea that my relationship was ending (ie, she should have thought I was cheating but didn't have an issue with it until after we'd hooked up)
-same event, she commented on her b/f's size inadequacy
-Told me about her best vacation; she and a roommate went out and had a mini-romance with 2 other guys. I said "Weren't you engaged though at that point?" and she said "Oh yeah."
Foolhardy - Jumps into things too quickly (bought a house with the last b/f even after cheating on him, realizing she didn't like him)
On the plus side, when we got to a certain point, she went crazy:
-calls all the time
-does all the asking out/planning
-wants me to get involved with everything in her life (sometimes too much)
- brings up kinky sex (offers to do anything I want, spends loads on lingerie, etc.)
- talks about fate (jokingly but that is cover)
- wants to know about my life, my kids, etc.
- wants to spend lots of time together
I've done some messed up things in the course of this too (and at other times), so I would rather not judge her. Also, I don't want to throw stones. We all have done sh*tty things when we were young because it didn't matter or whatever, and people change (I for one feel horrible about the cheating that I have done). But not being judgmental is not the same thing as failing to read what is in front of you.
On the other hand, I've gotten into good or decent situations before and messed myself over by being too anxious for more.
Basically, my issue is when you can't relax and enjoy what is going on either (1) there is some insecurity of your own (meaning, it may be a good situation but I'm unstable about something/too afraid of a good thing to enjoy it) or (2) your subconscious is trying to tell you something (she's going to f*ck you over).
I just can't figure out which this is.
Last edited:
