Problems With Brother Are Hurting Game

[Zwitterion]

Hey guys,

Well another christmas rolled around and I was forced to spend time with my brother again. I'm 24 and he's 21. We haven't gotten along since teenagers (though we have had our 'spurts' of companionship). Let me just admit that there have been wrongdoings on BOTH sides, with that being said I have apologized feveriously for my actions (small things over a long period of time)but he does not accept my apology. He acts very friendly and polite around other people ie. family gatherings, restaraunts etc. but I know underneath it all he's a very hostile, grudgeholding, and selfish . For instance, he will bring up situations from the past (ie. a party I had that no one showed up to) and try to make everyone laugh about it trying to destroy my reputation in front of a group. I can't confront him about it in front of others because I don't want to be hostile and therefore I just smile and nod. But he does this on a regular basis. He speaks and looks at me with hostility constantly but will never say what is on his mind or why he's mad. If I try to talk to him about it he gets defensive claiming he was joking around, or I'm taking things too seriously....but he'll never admit he's mad about something he'll just show it. Guys I kid you not, he will get extremely viscious and defensive when I try to bring up these things getting in my face and saying cruel things.

Anyway, we were sort of getting along this christmas and I tried to bury the hatchet this weekend by getting drunk and having a heart to heart (first mistake, I've learnt to stay sober around him). We got into a conversation about things and at one point I put my arm around him and told him I love him, then I started crying. I'm very passionate about this subject, I can't help it. At one point he just starting getting REALLY defensive and ran away from me as I was telling him how much he means to me, the more I apologized and opened up the more hostile he got. He ran away to his room and I tried to stop him, He slammed the door on my fingers several times because I tried to stop him and slammed the door. he left for school the next day and I texted him saying "sorry about last night. I drank way too much" but he hasn't replied.

Now I know you're gonna say it was my outpouring that caused him to run away but this isn't a girlfriend or random hookup I'm dealing with. This is my only brother and he hates me and insists on living in quiet hostility. That's why I just wanted to make myself vulnerable and show that I just want to get along. Guys, this whole situation is making me very depressed and just bad at interacting with girls. He makes me feel like a piece of **** who isn't worthy of an explaination or the respect of letting someone know why EXACTLY they hate their existance. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to go about dealing with someone who doesn't want to talk about a problem, but insists on making it MY problem too at family gatherings, there's serious tension in my staomach whenever he's in the room. I feel like I need to deal with this somehow. He refuses to come to therapy and even denies it to my mother, but she knows something is wrong aswell. Any advice?

 

[n00bPimp]

Try being C&f, also dont appear too needy so try to act cool and in control.

 

[CrunchyNut]

I don't know how to go about dealing with someone who doesn't want to talk about a problem, but insists on making it MY problem too at family gatherings


Tell him that. And dont get drunk before doing it.

It is not a rule that siblings must like each other, its just taken for granted by too many people. Maybe you two just arent particularly compatible people. That can happen, even with brothers. Tell him that whether he likes you or not is his choice, but that it is bang out of order for him to bring the rest of your family or anyone else into it.

 

[Macca]

Yeah I cannot bear to be around my brother for more then 10minutes as he does my fricken head in!!! It's been like that since we were kids! He's also a show off and loves to make jokes at my expense when females are about! However, when I was a kid he always stuck up for me - the amount of people he beat up for picking on me is hurrendous! So yeah, just remember that blood is thicker then water and just because you don't get on doesn't mean the he does not care about you! To be honest you both sound the complete opposite i.e. you show your feelings, he doesn't!

Just chill and accept the status quo because deep down I'm sure he cares for you - the way he shows it differs!

 

[Zwitterion]

I've thought about it more these past few days and I think I should just chill out a little like noob said. Stop taking it so seriously and look on the plus side. Things may be a little ackward when we see eachother but I'd much rather be ackward then hostile. Funny thing is he called my mother today and said that we got in a fight that night....if you call saying "I love you" a fight? Big surprise, he told her he didn't want to talk about it.

Whatever, I'm focusing on my cold approaches now.

 

[musclyjerk]

I'm wondering what is it you did that has made him so hostile and vicious toward you . . .

You are trying to force him in to acting reasonable toward you - he obviously doesn't feel you deserve it for what it was you did.

Is what you did something he can actually forgive you for?

Are you asking too much?

The Muscly Jerk

 

[musclyjerk]

Funny thing is he called my mother today and said that we got in a fight that night....if you call saying "I love you" a fight?

You didn't just say I love you, a little more happened:

He ran away to his room and I tried to stop him, He slammed the door on my fingers several times because I tried to stop him and slammed the door.

I can't add anything more unless you reveal what it is you did to make him so hostile toward you. It sounds like you really did something off-limits by what I'm hearing.

The Muscly Jerk

 

[ryannath]

It sounds like you are trying to game your brother from you texting him telling you were sorry and drunk.

 

[Chemistry]

Brotherly love right here, lol.... seriously, sounds like a lot of these scenarios guys on here talk about only there's a chick involved rather than their brother

I dunno... don't let this hurt your game... ultimately your both guys... unite in the name of banging chicks... it's something we can ALL relate too...

 

[DonDan]

@poster

Man, ok i havnt read any one elses avices here... but.. MY BROTHER IS THE SAME EXACT WAY. i wont explain myself, just take my word for it, because he really is like yours.... hes always tryni to hurt my game and shiet when girls are over, whenever i get enough of it and start talkin on him, the guy explodes and turns into a damn yelling and screaming baby. hes 24. he talks all this sht at the top of his lounges.. he has some anger issues.. but.. he always says i have a problem with him and i dont, its just he always starts it.

Anyways, i really dont know what the answer is to be honest... besides just havin the girls avoid my brother... but... i would get away from ur brother.. which is what im tryin to do.......

 

[Zwitterion]

You didn't just say I love you, a little more happened:

The Muscly Jerk

Dude seriously, it's years of small pent up grudges and unspoken words. Just like you, I don't know exactly what it is he's so mad about because he won't talk about it. He's always been like that even as a kid but over the years it's just built up because nothing gets dealt with.

So that's why I'm dealing with it. I've decided to never again bicker over little things that usually spark a confrontation like movies,sports, whatever. I'm just not gonna argue anymore about anything and take the blows. I broke down lilke that because I wanted to show how serious I am about changing the situation. Like I said before, I'd 10X rather be ackward with him than live another year with the hostile tension. As long as I know I'm doing all I can do I'll have more peace of mind about the whole thing and be able to move on.

 

[jack knife]

well you have to remember that he is a person too. at 21, he is probably busy with his own life, and trying to figure things out for himself. maybe he doesn't like having you around because you're used to pushing him around, and at school he probably leads a more independent lifestyle where he is in control. it sounds like you were really trying to force this brotherly love upon him, and as the older brother I'm sure you've been pushing him around like this for years. I have a little brother and he absolutely loves pointing out my flaws and outdoing me and making fun of me. instead of fighting back I accept it and try to find ways for us to get along that minimizes this kind of tension.

another thing is that if he has this built up aggression, you aren't going to get an overnight change. everytime you are with him, just be cool and keep the atmosphere level. as the older brother, it would be your role to protect and support your little brother, so when you emotionally break down in front of him he's going to think you are totally afc. talk to him about his life and how he's doing, how his friends are, etc, and with time he will come around.

also, I'm going to guess that he doesn't have a very good relationship with your father? in which case you would be the only male figure he could possibly look up to. so stop being an afc in front of him!