Problem with new GF

[steve38]

Met a new lady a month ago (her: 28, from a solid family, no kids, never married. Me: 41 and same) and we dated for a few weeks and then things started getting more serious and the past week we got a lot closer. It was nice and then she hits me with this:

“This is really hard to tell you, but I think you deserve to know. My ex and I are not exactly broken up yet.” Her story is that she has been trying to leave him for 2 months but he is suicidal and she is afraid to completely sever ties with him. I explained to her how most people use that threat to manipulate others and its pretty obvious that’s what he is doing.

She claims she is not a branch swinger and her past periods without a bf seem to confirm that. And she also is not a gold digger as she is actually further ahead in her career than me.

I really don’t think I have Oneitis as I know I could get a better one if I tried. It’s just that I have thrown away lots of otherwise awesome women because of lies that could have been forgiven. And I would hate to throw away another for something that might be excusable. And as far as I can tell, she has been honest about everything else, because I checked her stories really closely.

After she told me that, I was a little pissed and told her we were done. She called and emailed me and tried to explain again and again, but I have stood firm and true to my ‘no lies’ policy. Am I making a mistake? Not sure I can or even should try to forgive her since my history with dishonest women has been to discard them immediately and move on.

Btw, I’m not desperate by any means but I haven’t had feelings this strong for a woman in 17 years and I'm sure she feels the same way. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

 

[Kailex]

She says she's not a branch swinger when in fact, that's EXACTLY what she is doing.

For all you know, she could be telling the truth, but she could also be lying. If I had gotten a nickel for everytime a woman told me that her boyfriend was abusive or suicidal or had threatened some sort of action if she left him... I'd have a HELL OF A LOT OF NICKELS.

The question you need to ask yourself is... do you really want to deal with this going forward?

Personally, I wouldn't.
She basically admitted to swinging branches.
You already made a decision. Stick to that decision. If you go back on it, you are essentially telling her that it's okay for her to continue stringing her boyfriend along for the sake of his "life".

"My ex and I are not exactly broken up yet.”

Then, he's not her ex. She's still the boyfriend. There's no middle ground when it comes to breaking up. You either break up or you don't. If she's willing to take that middle ground with him, that's her problem. Her problem doesn't need to become yours.

Funny how once she noted you two were becoming serious, she decided to release that kraken on you.

Act congruently. If you don't want to put up with lies and deceit, then stick to your decision. Just because your feelings are strong, it doesn't mean that she can walk all over you like that. If you were to accept her decision, I'd see you asking her over and over: Is it done?

Only for her to continue answering with: He had another relapse. He threatened me again. He said he was going to do it.

Too much to deal with for someone you have strong feelings for. There are many more out there.

 

[jophil28]

She says she's not a branch swinger when in fact, that's EXACTLY what she is doing.

Agree ^. Her behavior falls within the definition of branch swinging.

I have a rule that I have crafted after many years of experience ( painful sometimes)

"NEVER get in love triangles ."

If you are the third or the last 'point ' to make up the triangle,then you are the most vulnerable, the one with the least power and the one who is most likely to be discarded.

Her reaction to your breaking it off was a typical feminine response. She tried to "fix' it with words. Women seem to believe that you can alter reality just by re-wording the facts or re-labeling the situation.
It is what it is . She is still in a relationship with another guy and she is cheating on him with you. She will justify her behavior by claiming that she has no "feelings" for him anymore and somehow that makes it OK for her to be with you . Are you sleeping with her? Does he know about you? Do you have her home landline #?

MY bet is that she is miserable and hanging on to a relationship which is technically finished , but she lacks the skills and the courage to end it decently and properly.
You were her distraction from the discomfort of being in the tail end of a failed relationship.

IF I were you ( and I have been in your situation) I would tell her that you do not get involved with women who are still involved.

Then her actions will tell you all you need to know.

Good luck, soldier.

 

[window]

yeah you dont have to right her off just say to her you dont appreciate the lies, and to give you a call once she's moved on...this gives her a chance to modify her behaviour. My guess is she will remain with the ex though or at least remain in contact. Imagine the calls / emails coming through to her from the suicidal ex if she was your girlfriend.

You just need to make it clear that this guy needs to be gone on all levels.

 

[steve38]

yeah you dont have to right her off just say to her you dont appreciate the lies, and to give you a call once she's moved on...this gives her a chance to modify her behaviour. My guess is she will remain with the ex though or at least remain in contact. Imagine the calls / emails coming through to her from the suicidal ex if she was your girlfriend.

You just need to make it clear that this guy needs to be gone on all levels.

Thanks for the input, guys. As for her branch swinging behavior, my point was that she doesn't have a history of it, even though its happening now. Yes, I am making excuses for her..lol. It's funny, if someone asked me for advice I would have told them exactly what you guys told me. Sure is a lot harder to follow it than to dole it out. Thanks again, everyone.

 

[Desert Fox]

Why are you doing this? Put the ball in HER COURT then go date other women.

Tell her, "ok here's what's going to happen. Right now we're nothing. You have a BF. Not an ex, just a bf. I will give you a week to dump that BF. And no fake ex or any of that crap just dump him and give me a call. If there's no call, nice knowing you and good luck with life."

Then your job is done and go bang other chicks.:box:

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Agree ^. Her behavior falls within the definition of branch swinging.

I have a rule that I have crafted after many years of experience ( painful sometimes)

"NEVER get in love triangles ."

If you are the third or the last 'point ' to make up the triangle,then you are the most vulnerable, the one with the least power and the one who is most likely to be discarded. MY bet is that she is miserable and hanging on to a relationship which is technically finished , but she lacks the skills and the courage to end it decently and properly. You were her distraction from the discomfort of being in the tail end of a failed relationship.

Good luck, soldier.

Spot on! If you do get involved in Triangles, make sure you´re not invested in her AT ALL.

I would also add:

Girls who says "I´m not such and such", It´s because she IS!.
I´m not the kind of girl that does X and Y. Bet your money she does it.

Of course there´re exceptions. When I Listen to any of these comments, I start paying close attention to check its veracity.

 

[logic1]

Why are you doing this? Put the ball in HER COURT then go date other women.

Tell her, "ok here's what's going to happen. Right now we're nothing. You have a BF. Not an ex, just a bf. I will give you a week to dump that BF. And no fake ex or any of that crap just dump him and give me a call. If there's no call, nice knowing you and good luck with life."

Then your job is done and go bang other chicks.:box:

Agree/\/\

Turn her into a FB. I dont think I would give her an ultimatum. I would say very little and just start looking for other women to date. She will sense this and eventually chit or get off the pot.

Think of it this way. She is not going anywhere. She is tied down in her present situation. Just make it where you still have access to her company when needed. Go explore other women.

Its too bad you are getting attached. You cant allow this to happen with a woman like this. Only allow it when she gets her life in order. Until then she is *** dumpster.

 

[squirrels]

F*cking chumps...I swear. Using psych-games on women like that to try to get their way.

When I was in alcohol groups for my DUI (court-mandated ), one of the things one of the therapists said is that if someone starts talking about suicide or claims to be suicidal, she does NOT try to help that person...even though she is a professional. She immediately calls 911 and has that individual put under protective care.

I've tried to exorcise women's demons, so to speak...tried to convince them in the past to rise up above the drama. But you end up getting sucked into it.

You did the right thing. I don't think you should approach it angrily...I would just tell her, "listen, I like you a lot, but that's just way too much drama for me." And do exactly what you're doing...step away slowly.