problem with her ex?

[johnny_b]

Hi. This is my first thread. I have to say that this forum helped me a lot during my last break up where i got that "i need some time" line after 7 yr LTR. I must say after reading advices on this forum, from being crushed after break up and wondering if i will be alone for the rest of my life i went to spent 3 really good years of my life focusing on me (got into weightlifting, finished college, started improving my self) which also resulted in several flings and STRs . So now, i got stuck again and decided to ask for some opinion from you guys.

During those 3 yrs after break up, i met a girl with whom i shared a same social circle. We started to hang out and this was first time i thought that i could have a female friend (never believed in male/female friendship). Though i felt some strange chemistry, i never had a thought of having something with her. But during one of our conversations, she talked about this guy who was acting distant and she didnt know where she was with him so she decided to not answer to any of his calls and call it quits. As i said, i didnt have any intentions with her( i was spinning 2 plates at that time) so i listened to her problems. But when she mentioned that she was looking for one normal guy, something changed. I started looking different at her.

After a while, she called me to go to a friends party with her and we made out that night. From that moment, she started to initiate contact more frequently. Soon we started dating. While dating, she told me that she went for a coffee with previously mentioned guy and that she is happy they cleared everything out between them because she doesnt like when she remains in bad relations with someone (he got a job in another town and he was moving out from our town soon). Its been five months from then and everything was good. She never complains, likes every idea i have came up with, doesnt drink, only goes out for weekends with me. I even got some health problems and shes been, surprisingly for me, very supportive in resolving that problem. But there was that little voice in my head that was saying "this is all to perfect, this cant be true".

So one night i slept at her place and she left early for work. I stayed and watched movie on her laptop. (Night before, we were searching for some health specialists regarding previously mentioned health problem.) So after a movie, i went through a browser history of yesterday searches to find a facility that we forgot to bookmark. And then i saw she had history of facebook messages and (i know this is pathetic), guided with that feeling of something not being right, i went through history and found that she got a message from that guy that she called quits. I have to mention that she always told me if someone from her past contacted her(same was from my side) which was another good side of her. I explained what i found and she said she didnt want to mention me that because she thought i would get upset. After that, she told me that it was her who initiated a contact because she was on facebook and found him online so she just wanted to say hi. Also, she said that he sent her SMS for X-mas but she didnt respond.

This had some impact on my trust because i never had any urges to contact any of my exes and i told her that. So i told her that we should end this because trust is important part of relationship but her reactions surprised me. After few SMS and calls that day from her that i didnt want to answer, she came to me right after work and admitted that that was wrong from her but insisted that she just said innocent "hi". She also said that she erased half of the people from the friend list and that she ordered sms and call list from mobile network provider to prove me that she never answered that SMS message. She said she would also change phone number, go to lie detector, anything to prove that she was only with me during our whole dating time. After crying and begging for hours to give her another chance, i told her that i just need some time to think through this. This left me confused and i dont know if i overreacted or im being paranoid because in past i tried to ignore my gut feeling and it always turned out that those feelings were right. I know i should make a decision by myself and i would next this one. But i have been cheated before and girl would not make so much effort to convince me that nothing is wrong. So if anyone had similar experience or could share some light on this one, tnx. Sorry for long post

 

[joker79]

The same happened to me with txts, not facebook. I caught her hiding her phone and she couldn't deny it, she was getting messages from her ex (he sent her several messages). She told me that it wasn't important and, as we were at the beginning of the relationship, she wasn't supposed to tell me everything (WTF?). I was weak back then but my gut feeling was screaming. I decided to go on with the relationship but trust issues became more and more unbearable, I literally couldn't sleep. As a consequence of that I became needy, clingy and controlling. I was always doubtful of what she was saying to me even if she was reassuring me.

The relationship went south in a couple of months, she became *****y and started flirting with other guys, I lost it and I cut her off from my life. I'm not sure about this other guy but her behaviour was unacceptable.

Honestly I learnt my lesson but, looking back to what happened, my instinct was absolutely right. I read this http://therationalmale.com/2011/10/28/gut-check/ and found all the answers I needed.

My advice is follow your gut, trust issues are like dynamite for the foundation of your relationship

 

[Greasy Pig]

Sounds like she's a high quality woman who doesn't want to lose you.
I'd give her another chance because she now knows that you're willing to walk at the first hint of bllsht.
Excellent girlfriend management, by the way.

 

[cgr68311]

Sounds like she's a high quality woman who doesn't want to lose you.
I'd give her another chance because she now knows that you're willing to walk at the first hint of bllsht.
Excellent girlfriend management, by the way.

Ditto. Remember the 7 levels of disrespect

 

[Don_Dom]

Nicely done. I learned the hard way that when otherwise rational, sane, intelligent people give inexplicable answers for inconsistent behavior, that's when the antennae should go up. The fact that you had both been telling each other about any contact with others and suddenly she doesn't tell you about one is a huge red flag, imo.

Sounds like she knows she fooked up and knows you mean business. Well done.

 

[joker79]

I completely disagree, why give her another chance?