Proactiveness or laid-back

[kelv]

Hi i m wondering about this issue on being proactive in getting girls. Im an asian, thin-build, fairly attractive. So in the past I was the laid-back type, not desiring any girls, kept aloof and far from them, so somehow some of these girls tried to get close to me. Its like fishing for a fish, without me putting any effort. But now when I tried to be proactive like asking them for a date etc, they always seems to turn me down. Is it me or am I not proactive enough probably more to the point of cavemanning?

 

[Jiyefuu]

i had the same situation as u.. it just means we're not meant to chase girls.. we'll lose our charm and attraction if we chase them.. i failed 3 times chasing girls but when i dont, i always have 2 options to choose from

 

[kelv]

hi^5 bro! thank god there is someone experiencing the same situation. its like we are better off concentrating on our own stuffs and they will show up on a plate ready to be taken. But once we start chasing, they immediately show no more interest. and the cave-manning theory seems to contradicts this where being persistent and aggressive gets the girl.

 

[Igetit!]

hi^5 bro! thank god there is someone experiencing the same situation. its like we are better off concentrating on our own stuffs and they will show up on a plate ready to be taken. But once we start chasing, they immediately show no more interest.

Ok,you see the part I put in bold? You said,"But once we start chasing,they immediately show no more interest"



You said that once you START CHASING a girl who was previuosly showing interest to you,then they "immediately" stop showing interest.


If a girl shows interest to you,then when you try to show interest back,she "loses" interest,she's most likely an AW (attention whore).
And if a girl is an AW,then 9 times out of 10,YOU SCREWED UP in the way you pursued her.



You slipped up and UNINTENTIONALLY boosted her ego instead of creating attraction in her.

the cave-manning theory seems to contradicts this where being persistent and aggressive gets the girl.

I know it seems that way,but that's not true.

But now when I tried to be proactive like asking them for a date etc, they always seems to turn me down.

You say that when you try to be more proactive and assertive,that it seems like you always get turned down. Well can you give an example of how you approach a girl?


When you ask her out or try to gain her interest,what do you say? What EXACTLY do you say? And....what kind of reaction/responses do you get?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Good thread. OP, be reassured that you're not the only one with this problem. The number of times that the following situation has happened to me in the last 3-4 months is more than I care to count:

1) I notice that girl I meet either through a mutual hobby, the gym or at a bar/ club is into me, showing sexually submissive body language, asking me questions, initiating conversations with me rather than the other way round, sitting near me without my prompting her, giggling, etc etc.

2) I am proactive and get said girl's number without any trouble at all. I have a 100% success rate actually, come to think about it, haha.

3) 2-7 days later, depending on how busy I am with work/ socialising/ bands/ other girls, I send her a text. Sometimes I start the conversation with an in joke or something based on our last conversation, sometimes I just flat out ask her out then and there. "Dates" with me are 50% action (eg minigolf, bowling, zoo) and 50% going to a bar near my house for a drink.

4) More often than not, the girl pulls away if we have a mutual hobby, makes excuses if I suggest we hang out, says she's busy with work etc.

Sound familiar?!


The reason for me telling you all this is firstly to let you know you're not alone. All of us on SS have issues with women- we wouldn't be here otherwise, lol! The second reason is that, from what I've read on here and gleaned from talking to guys I know who are good with women, rejection is NORMAL. Let me repeat, rejection is NORMAL. It's something you have to go through a lot to get better with girls. The best PUAs get laid the most- but they also get rejected the most.

If it makes you feel better, I've asked out 3 girls in the last week or so. One said yes to drinks then flaked, one said she was busy, the other didn't even bother replying, lol. Okay, I'm not going to pretend I'm not frustrated... but it's just part of the game. Fortunately for me, I know plenty of other good looking girls at my uni. I'm sure you're just the same. Good luck, be proactive, and don't fear rejection!

 

[BBbardot]

strong asian community on this website. any of you knows mandarian and is willing to help me with pronunciation?


well it's hard to tell, give more details about the situations of asking them out?

onthewayup, your dates ("mini golf, bowling, zoo, a bar near your house") don't sound excitng at all, I personally would turn down someone that invite me to do those things regardless of if i had a good impression of them ^^ or i woud think they are joking.

 

[HolyG]

onthewayup, your dates ("mini golf, bowling, zoo, a bar near your house") don't sound excitng at all, I personally would turn down someone that invite me to do those things regardless of if i had a good impression of them ^^ or i woud think they are joking.

Here are a list of things women consider a good time

1) Going to bars where guys line up to buy them drinks

2) An all expense paid shopping spree paid for by a hot guy

3) Driving around in a hot guys $100,000 car

4) Flying on trips to Mexico, Aruba, spain in a millionare's private jet

5) Getting a 24 carat diamond ring for no other reason than having sex w/ a man

Because, you know, women are "amazing" and only "deserve the best"

 

[Atom Smasher]

strong asian community on this website. any of you knows mandarian and is willing to help me with pronunciation?


well it's hard to tell, give more details about the situations of asking them out?

onthewayup, your dates ("mini golf, bowling, zoo, a bar near your house") don't sound excitng at all, I personally would turn down someone that invite me to do those things regardless of if i had a good impression of them ^^ or i woud think they are joking.

Why, kid? What do you consider to be worthy for a man to do with you?

 

[OnTheWayUp]

onthewayup, your dates ("mini golf, bowling, zoo, a bar near your house") don't sound excitng at all, I personally would turn down someone that invite me to do those things regardless of if i had a good impression of them ^^ or i woud think they are joking.

Lol. Do you have any better suggestions? And also, are you a woman?

 

[shizz702]

onthewayup, your dates ("mini golf, bowling, zoo, a bar near your house") don't sound excitng at all, I personally would turn down someone that invite me to do those things regardless of if i had a good impression of them ^^ or i woud think they are joking.

Things such as bowling, minigolf, go karts, hiking, shooting pool, etc. are GREAT ideas for a date because you are actually DOING something!

Everyone does the typical dinner and movie, and that is fine and dandy from time to time, but it can get dry real quick. By actual doing something physical it gives you all kinds of opportunities for kino and to joke with her and have fun. Plus these are unique things to do on a date, and you will set yourself aside from the average joe that just wants to do the conventional dinner date.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Things such as bowling, minigolf, go karts, hiking, shooting pool, etc. are GREAT ideas for a date because you are actually DOING something!

Everyone does the typical dinner and movie, and that is fine and dandy from time to time, but it can get dry real quick. By actual doing something physical it gives you all kinds of opportunities for kino and to joke with her and have fun. Plus these are unique things to do on a date, and you will set yourself aside from the average joe that just wants to do the conventional dinner date.

My point exactly.

 

[BBbardot]

Why, kid? What do you consider to be worthy for a man to do with you?

well something where themain activity is being with each other. Not going around hitting little balls with a stick for them to go into little holes, going at a zoo sound like a pain. And bowling, not very glamourous ^^^

well i live in paris, so going for a walk in the bois de boulogne, or to a a cool restaurant, or to a cool bar like the andy whaloo or jardin de bagatelle, not "a bar near his home" all this sounds convenient and boring and painfull ^^. Plus he's like "50% of the time is this 50% is that" sound sooo miserable.

don't do crazy things cause it's lame too but maybe something more real and sponteinous and actually enjoyable where the main this is being together, seeing if you like each other in a nice atmosphere.


SHIZZ doing that is only admiting that you need to do something fun to have fun together. Trust me when i'm with someone i like, just talking together is fun, and we laugh a lot and enjoy it. Here you're just admiting that being with you is not enough for it to be fun and that you need those activities to fill in the huge blank.
It's pretty lame.
You should just face reality and talk, spend time in front of each other to see if you likz each other, and only then have sex,go do fun stuffs etc.

HOLYG you discribed american girls the way i know them ^^but here in france it's a bit different, well girls my age ( and until about 23-24 are generally not venal. They enjoy nice things but usually don't make the link between relationships/dating/love and nice things, they work to get them. They usuually go for love and their appreciation for nice things comes after.
Well if the guy is lazy uneducated and broke it's different. but for example if he is a student like them, they go for it without even thinking twice). But we lik ambition and inteligence and success as a character trait so a 45yo that is broke and failed, well it's not attractive cause it means he failed. Here we like going to little old cheap restaurants too it makes no difference, food is good everywhere, it's paris. We also take the subway, even rich poeple. Most of young poeple in paris don't even bother having a car it's pointless. if it's late we get cabs.

 

[AAAgent]

it's worked both ways with me. I think its just comes naturally for asian men to wait for women to come to you. Which happens to me, when i chase (which i love) i fail miserably the majority of the time. Most of the time it was because i showed too much interest. I have succeeded quite a few times as well. The reason why i believe asian men fail when you chase is because you don't make it natural. It's something you never do, so when you do it, you're not doing it right.

when i get nervous and worry about what the outcome is that's when i definitely fail (most of the time, was successful in highschool). In Asian culture, men had a plethora of wives (the richer/higher in status you were the more you had), we never had any real value in women besides for pleasure therefor we never had any motivation to pursue women. Women would come with money and status. We were not seeking intellectual motivational support from them. We had mentors, teachers, and masters for that. If women wanted a high quality man, they would have to approach and seduce them. Somehow manage to get him to wife them up instead of be a mistress or fvckbuddy.

This is instinctively natural through thousands of years of conditioning. It's also natural to go after what you want as a man. Now that women has become something that the general population must fight and chase after, asian men are lacking in that experienced chasing trait.

This is my personal opinion of why natural game of play it cool works better for some asians as opposed to chasing.

Obviously its all good if you sit and wait for one to fall in your lap but out of all the ones that have fallen into my lap, i only considered 2 of them attractive.

Benefits of the chase are you get to choose what you want and you get the thrill of chasing (if you like that) and if your successful all the more rewarding.

If you work at cold approaches or approaches in general your communication and adaptability skills will increase where it will be almost natural for you to chase as well as sit back and relax/have them come to you.

 

[kelv]

hi all, thanks so much for the wonderful advice. Im a chinese btw. Yea I agree with AAAgent that women comes with money and status, its like a culture that has been drummed in us snce young through our parents and environment. And we would just concentrate on career and studies first rather actively practising PUA stuffs. and in asian chinese families, the girl will often be advised by her parents to find a rich, prospective man who has a bright career. And of cos men of such calibre dun "chase" after women like a puppy, they just sit back n relax while the girl instinctively knows this and starts to chase him. Trying to be proactive and aggressive pursuit will only end up in the friend zone. Come to think of it, I have never ever personally seen guys who are being proactive and aggressive ever got a girl this way, the girl always ends up with someone else.
I think those dumb Hollywood movies of guys using these tactics and somehow getting the girl at the end of the movie is starting to mislead me lol.

 

[AAAgent]

hi all, thanks so much for the wonderful advice. Im a chinese btw. Yea I agree with AAAgent that women comes with money and status, its like a culture that has been drummed in us snce young through our parents and environment. And we would just concentrate on career and studies first rather actively practising PUA stuffs. and in asian chinese families, the girl will often be advised by her parents to find a rich, prospective man who has a bright career. And of cos men of such calibre dun "chase" after women like a puppy, they just sit back n relax while the girl instinctively knows this and starts to chase him. Trying to be proactive and aggressive pursuit will only end up in the friend zone. Come to think of it, I have never ever personally seen guys who are being proactive and aggressive ever got a girl this way, the girl always ends up with someone else.
I think those dumb Hollywood movies of guys using these tactics and somehow getting the girl at the end of the movie is starting to mislead me lol.

I'm Chinese too.

I think you're misinterpreting what i'm saying. I'm saying the reason why you're failing is because you're still on level 1 of approaching women when you really should be at level 6-7 at this point in life. Level 1 is the level elementary kids were at. Where as level 6-7 is college level game. When you finish college you should be somewhere between 8-9. This is if you were hypothetically one of the more socially active people.

Your approach is probably not strong, confident, and experienced enough. That's why you fail.

Nothing is free in life, if you want something you have go and get it.
Otherwise you can settle for whatever falls into your lap which could be an average plain girl all the way down to The Hunchback of Notre Damess.