Prize mentality gone wrong: changing when in the comfort zone and getting dumped...

[Engetsu]

Edit: I posted this in the wrong forum by accident. Any mod mind moving it to DJ Discussion please?

I would like to know if there is any hope of getting back with my girlfriend of 6 months that I truly love.

When I started dating this girl, my DJ game was its peak. I had the perfect balance between jerk and nice guy, basically, I was a very good guy. I saw the relationship as a game but as it unfolded, I got more and more comfortable with my girlfriend and started not giving a **** about the "game" anymore... Basically, I took her for granted because I had her in my grasp so much that I was 200% sure that she would NEVER leave me.

And the metamorphosis occurred. I turned into a grade-A ******* by always putting her down when she does the slightest thing wrong, by having no patience or tolerance with her, by putting aside her feelings and neglecting her self-esteem, but most importantly, by not making her happy anymore... I wasn't making her feel the way a girl should feel, even though I had it going so good for the first 3 months.

We kept getting into fights constantly for the last 3 months. And by constantly, I mean fights where she would cry at least 2 times a week. We'd always end up in front of her house talking, and we'd promise each other to make an effort to let more things slide and not get into fights anymore. Clearly, I didn't make any effort because I thought this girl was so much into me, that she didn't deserve me, and that she would do anything to stay with me.

Well, after a couple of big fights, she took the big decision and broke up with me 2 days ago, face-to-face. She told me that it's impossible that I hadn't seen it coming, and that things just aren't working anymore. She told me that she tried so many times to make things like they were at the beginning, but with no success... And she doesn't want to torture herself when she's not happy.

I was speechless. It was then that I realized that I had taken the prize mentality a bit too far... By neglecting my role as her boyfriend. Instead of being her boyfriend, I was acting more like a fatherly figure, and I messed up my priorities. I wanted *her* to change for the better so badly that I forgot to do my part and I stopped making her feel good.

Is there any hope for me, or is she lost forever? There's a lot of fish in the sea, but this one is the fish I'm most comfortable with, and I don't want to end something that could be good if I made a little effort...

 

[Eternal]

Originally posted by Engetsu
Edit: I posted this in the wrong forum by accident. Any mod mind moving it to DJ Discussion please?

Sure.

Moved to Don Juan Discussion.

 

[giartodil]

Hay man I am just another anoying christian who tries to get into lives of others ,which is pretty bad, but with good intentions.
I will say only one thing,when I pray awesome things happen.
I wanna tell you it is not that peple dont belive in God,most of them suspect He exists,but rather they are unfaithful to him.Being unfaithful doesn't help at all qestioning and testing
that's what helps.I just wanna scream dude try to PRAY.


... If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself" (2 Timothy 2:13)

if you have any qestions just ask
Vladimir

 

[Wiesman44]

Dude, if you're going to give the man advice, don't do it with religious nonsense (sorry if i offended you but I'm sure he's heard the exact same thing you've said like a million times from a million other people. hearing it online in a post is not going to change his religious ways. If you're trying to touch people w/ religion, you might want to do it a little differently than throwing your advice on the table, and bolting.


From what it looks like, you've done A LOT of damage. By getting into fights that made her cry, and becoming a huge prick, you've put yourself in over your head. By her saying, "i cant believe u didnt see it coming" is a big blow.
I'd almost say its irrepairable, but if you're willing to put the time in, I suppose anything is possible. You're not going to convince her over the phone, or with one converstaion. If you're very serious about this girl, and want to stay with her, I'd suggest not talking to her for a period of time, maybe a few weeks to a month or so. Let her cool down. And then, only then, can you begin to repair what you've fu*ked up. You'll have to rebuild her trust all over again, which can take a while. Show her you're not a prick.

In my all honest opinion, a relationship of only 6 months in which you really botched is not worth its time or effort. You really bonded with this girl, but just let her go. You'll find someone else, and then you'll think this is the greatest thing since slicest bread.

 

[comic_relief]

Thanks for the heads up

It's all about balance To much and it is a bad thing. Not enough and you become a chump

 

[CLOONEY]

Re: Re: Prize mentality gone wrong: changing when in the comfort zone and getting dumped...

Originally posted by giartodil
Hay man I am just another anoying christian who tries to get into lives of others ,which is pretty bad, but with good intentions.
I will say only one thing,when I pray awesome things happen.
I wanna tell you it is not that peple dont belive in God,most of them suspect He exists,but rather they are unfaithful to him.Being unfaithful doesn't help at all qestioning and testing
that's what helps.I just wanna scream dude try to PRAY.
I just wanna tell the whole world shut up, prayer helps.

... If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself" (2 Timothy 2:13)

if you have any qestions just ask
Vladimir

lol. Nice one. Pray it will become better and if you have faith, it will happen!

In all seroiusness. I did the same to a girl I dated and I have seen friends do the same, eventually the girl will realise she is better off without you, as hard as it is for her to take the step of dumping you!

I would give her some space. Then sit her down, tell her your wrongs, tell her you think you two should have another shot at it. Tell her only once. If she says ok, great. If she says no, tell her you will respect her decision and RESPECT IT. Do not become the grovelling chump.

Even if she says no, if you simply say ok and walk, there is a good chance a few weeks later she will ring back (considering nothing better has come into her life and her interest level is still there to some extent) and tell you she has changed her mind.

If she honestly does move on with her life, you know what you have to do. Move on, its all part of the learning experience that this wierd but great life has presented you.

 

[Disconnect]

I am in exactly the same type of situation, well, minus a month (we are still together, but I am not sure for how long). I dont know if this is a right thing to say, but you have opened my eyes. For some reason, I also took the entire mentality a tad too far, thinking she would never leave me no matter what, and I have the liberty to do whatever I want. And things are deteriorating. I tried to encourage her to change for the better, but totally forgot the equal share of the improvements that I must make. Just... whoa (the Neo one). Holy crap, I never even looked at the entire thing from this point of view, thinking I am so right, and she is so wrong.

I have taken this as a lesson. I mean, count the times we were told to be selfless, to step into another person's shoes and treat them the same way we want to be treated. But does it always hit home? Not for me. So let us all learn from out mistakes.