Post the link to your online dating profile here and have it critiqued.

[TheDarkSaint]

Danke

Gracias. Editing as we speak. What worked in this? Anything?

 

[al77]

Re: Danke

Originally posted by TheDarkSaint
Gracias. Editing as we speak. What worked in this? Anything?

"laughing at our dog"
Our??? There is no "We" yet, but there is "our dog" already?

"acting scandalous"
What do you find attractive in being scandalous???

You seem have good skills with words.. but the structure of the text makes it hard to read...Getting better in general.. but still the first part of the profile is way too long ....make it just 1/3 of it.
Besides... who are you? You didn't put even a line whenre you say who are you.. and the whole point of the profile is about describing yourself...

 

[TheDarkSaint]

I'm frustrated with match.com in that it won't let me use paragraphs to break up my thoughts into more digestible bits. I'm going to have to rethink my strategy on presenting myself.

My line of thinking (and I could be right or wrong on this) is to show the woman through 2nd person narrative what kind of person I am.

I feel that it's banal to just print out: Hi! I'm a band director in a small town. I work lots of hours so that my band can be the best in the state. I love water skiing, camping and traveling. The most rewarding activity in my life is teaching music.

The site constantly says that women are engaged on an emotional level rather than a logical level as men are. So, I want to tap into that by showing her my passion for teaching, by showing her my passion for music and to give her a glimpse into who I am, rather than what I do.

The more I reread that last paragraph, the more it feels like that came out of a chick’s mouth than a guy's did. *Sigh*

People are always saying "Be different, catch her eye". The intro was my way of being different. Too different?


As for the must havess, those are hit or miss things that I'm trying out. Some are hits others are obvious misses

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: Re: Danke

Originally posted by al77
"laughing at our dog"
Our??? There is no "We" yet, but there is "our dog" already?

There's a lot to be said about this skill "future projecting." Since a woman's psyche is usually more vivid than a man's, she could easily envision it.

However you are correct in that there isn't a dog, hell they haven't even met yet! What I would suggest is projecting to the time the two first meet. That would definitely be more plausible at this moment.

 

[al77]

Originally posted by TheDarkSaint

I'm frustrated with match.com in that it won't let me use paragraphs to break up my thoughts into more digestible bits.

My line of thinking (and I could be right or wrong on this) is to show the woman through 2nd person narrative what kind of person I am.
I feel that it's banal to just print out: Hi! I'm a band director in a small town. I work lots of hours so that my band can be the best in the state. I love water skiing, camping and traveling. The most rewarding activity in my life is teaching music.

The more I reread that last paragraph, the more it feels like that came out of a chick’s mouth than a guy's did. *Sigh*
People are always saying "Be different, catch her eye". The intro was my way of being different. Too different?

Dont worry about that..just make your profile shorter, and it will be more readable. If you go on and on .. they tend to forget what you said in tehbegining or jump over some lines.

You cannot talk as a 2nd person for too long, it will show her ..as if you are hiding.. as if you don't want to say directly anything about yourself. You can pull it off if it is very short... your style is good, but your structure (i.e. long 2nd person monologue and then list of things) is not. I would recommend to ditch that 2nd person...you sure can write something better: more personal, more about you and more direct.

You are right, dont go for that banal stuff...you know how to write! twist it! ...Ambitions about your little but large band ...
best way to travel is water skiing...camping to forget what skyscrapers are...spreading music that makes you feel like...

 

[al77]

Re: Re: Re: Danke

Originally posted by Francisco d'Anconia
There's a lot to be said about this skill "future projecting." Since a woman's psyche is usually more vivid than a man's, she could easily envision it.

However you are correct in that there isn't a dog, hell they haven't even met yet! What I would suggest is projecting to the time the two first meet. That would definitely be more plausible at this moment.

And how would you do the projection? Can you be more specific?

I just want to warn abotu the danger of "our". It sends "I want a LTR.. desperately, I already think in terms of "we"....
Any sign of desperation is a huge turn off. Yes, women may easily
envision it.. but what would they think next? "oh that guy is desperate..." is not somehting we want her to think.

 

[TheDarkSaint]

Gracias, me amigo

I'll cogitate upon the suggestions you've brought up. They make quite a bit of sense.

Thanks for the help

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Danke

Originally posted by al77
And how would you do the projection? Can you be more specific?

Just explain what would happen during the date however describe it as if you were in the moment. Making it a little absurd in spots could make your ad a bit memorable too.

 

[Ol'BlueEyes]

Here's mine....

http://www.myspace.com/captainayatollah

Have at it....

 

[al77]

"First and foremost, if you're up for a good time with lots of laughs, I'm your man."

Sound all right, but why "I'm your man"? Can you back it up with some examples...descriptions? What kind of "good time"?
I guess this requires some more specifics.


"I parttake in many activities...and I put my balls to the walls in everything!
Spelling. Andit is a bit too general...what kind of activities? Can you actually describe them?


General impression from your profile is that you look either for ONS or sex only relationship. Well... if this is what you want, than you got your message across just fine.

 

[Ol'BlueEyes]

thanks man

Point taken. I started it a few months ago and all but abandoned it until now. I'm pepping it up as I post.

 

[al77]

Re: thanks man

Originally posted by Ol'BlueEyes

No problem. By the way if I were you I would take off "April, '98" pic - the rest of the pics are much better... and I would not use this almost naked hot chick in "General" section.

 

[Ol'BlueEyes]

cool

Any more opinions? At least I'll get my profile some views, if nothing else.

 

[al77]

Re: cool

Originally posted by Ol'BlueEyes
Any more opinions?

You want to stand out with your profile.. you do and you dont at the same time. Look:

"I go to school and work full time"

Well.. It sounds like a resume. I would simple omit this.

"I work hard (supervisor at a small pizza supply company), play hard (hockey) and study hard (Business Mgt.)"

This is what 99% of guys write "..work hard.. play hard". Don't go into this resume details, cuz a) she is not a potential employer b) she won't appreciate your gig as a supervisor - I mean if you were a rock star, yes then she would...
If I were you I would omit this alltogether.


"I may be your boss someday, so be nice OR ELSE! I love to get out of the house;"

This is good, this is what most guys DO NOT write.

"whether it's to the mall"

Man... what are you doing at the mall??? I mean what do you do there - shopping? Why would you want to mention this at all? I would not say anything about malls - it is associated either with shopping (women) or with hanging out (teenagers).

"cruising out with friends to the club, riding my bike for miles, or golfing."

Sounds good. In fact it might sound even better if you add some "colors": riding my bikes for mile in.. the total wilderness of modern city\on a trail surrounded by busy woods life... etc
Doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, if you can make it sound funny or at least amusing - you are in.


By the way... pic with females are controversial: yeah it is a social proof, yes, but it is almost a rule not to iclude women in pics in profiles. mysepace is sort for friends... so it might be ok.
Anyway if I were you I would not include many women in the pics.

 

[Bonhomme]

OK, here's what I'd thrown together

... but I've not been a paying subscriber for over a year. I still get emails every now & then, but none of the respindents have figured that out when I wink back at them, rather than reply (which I'd have to subcribe to do). I don't want to give them my money on an off chance of a date (I get plenty IRL), since I'm not thrilled with some of their policies & practices, but I may plunk down the $50 for 3 months and have another proper go at it. $30 is way too much for a month.

I think they did a lousy job of cropping the pic, too.

http://webcenter.match.love.aol.com...tp=1&TP=U&uid=T+MH1IY9/nGRYhxkKhy00Q==&lid=21

Might do well to add a comment that the pics are from 2002-2004. People could think they're from 10-15 yrs ago.

al77, your profile's improved vastly.

 

[al77]

Re: OK, here's what I'd thrown together

Originally posted by Bonhomme
... but I've not been a paying subscriber for over a year. I still get emails every now & then

I don't want to give them my money on an off chance of a date (I get plenty IRL), since I'm not thrilled with some of their policies & practices, but I may plunk down the $50 for 3 months and have another proper go at it. $30 is way too much for a month.

I pay like $6 something per month at match.com. The trick is to pay them on a continuing basis....
When I wrote my profile, I simply looked at other profiles and combined most AFC lines....it took me a looong time to get that it is not working that way.

Anyway:
Pics#1 - the suite, tie, colors do not match in my opinion, I would change it.
#2 - very good pic! You apear as a very energetic and ingeneral a very good angle.
#3 - just scrary.. what did you wanted to say? that you can be that scary? I would take this pic off...
#4 - Good match in terms of clothes, much better than #1.


"relationships: No Answer"
Thats a bit odd: you said quite a lot of details about yourself, but didn't say anything abour relationship? Women are extremely sensitive to this line: just put something there... unless you are married to two women already.

When I read a woman's profile and she says "no answer" in the relationship line - it is not a good sign, she may carry a lot of baggage for example. And women are much more sensitive this relationships than men are.

"If you're looking for a "regular guy," hit the "back" button"
...you start with a passive-aggressive remark as an opener?
It shows you are somewhat bitter.. and it is not what you want to project to women.

"and physically fit (on the athletic side of trim) and extremely youthful"

Thats a bit of overthinking on which side you are - you are athletic and fit. If you go into such details as "side of trim" women might stop reading and start thinking if you are really athletic since you bother to explain it in a bit cryptic way...Chicks' logic: it is not clear what he is saying.. maybe he is not fit at all and about 400 lb?

If you say "youthful" that shows you are concerned about how youthful you appear. As if you would say "I am sane". Why would you want to do that, just to show that you are not always confident? Women can see you and they will decide how you look, no amount of words would change it.

"(especially playing drums)" If you put it this way, it stands out a lot. Did you want this to stand out?

"My match must be bright, sensual, and not too dogmatic"... if you look up "dogmatic in ******** dictionary it usually means slutty, especially since you didn't say in what sense dogmatic.

By the way, you sentences like a half paragraph long, it is very hard to read especially if they same descriptive structure. Consider make them shorter a bit.

"job: Self-Employed"
Well.. if you are a rock-star - yes, you can humbly say "I am Self-Employed: I am a rock star". Otherwise why dont you create a bit of mystery and say just:
"Self-Employed. It's pretty close to a "dream job." Set my own hours and get paid well for exploring interesting old houses."

"Faith Other The usual: sacrifices, spells, and sex rituals"
If you say "sex" in the line for "faith", all women connected with religion will crucify you right there....and as far as I know most women are at least somewhat religious. Why dont give them a chance?

"About My Date"
Too many "any"... it may appear to women that you dont care about her... you sure you want to date 4'11'' and 6'5''women? And it doens't matter if they have any education? or drink heavily?
Just ut somehting there... it will give a message "I am selective".

General comment.. you put some emphasis on humor, all right - but you didn't want to back it up with some funny twist in the profile - I am sure you could do that.

 

[Bonhomme]

Thanks, al77, but...

You're coming at it from a whole different direction than me. I'm not trying to please as many women as possible, but to attract women who either:

1) Are looking for someone with a bit of an edge, or

2) Are looking to have a bit of fun.

That, and to weed out women who are just too conventional to deal with me. May as well scratch them straight off.

Pics#1 - the suite, tie, colors do not match in my opinion, I would change it.

(chuckling...) Suit #1 gets me the most positive attention in real life of any outfit I have. Only my black suede sues with a white stripe get more comments. Many women approach me when I'm wearing that ensemble, although the pic makes the suit look more black than blue. A darkish blue mod striped suit with a red patterned tie is a great combination. Not my fault they screwed up the photo editing.

Actually, it might do well to mention that I have cool shoes.

#3 - just scrary.. what did you wanted to say? that you can be that scary? I would take this pic off...

It's a bit of visual humor, and something to weed out uptight women. A bit of "bad boy" to balance the overly wholesome looks of the other pics. A bit of a conversation opener, too.

"relationships: No Answer" ... Women are extremely sensitive to this line: just put something there...

That's exactly it. Many women are severely prejudiced against men my age who have never been married, maybe even more so than men who actually are married (chuckling...).

It would be better to simply say "unmarried" somewhere in my profile text, because that could imply single (what most women don't want to see) or divorced (what they do want to see). This is the only place I'll play to what I think they want, because being older and never married is such an absurdly common "deal-breaker."

"If you're looking for a "regular guy," hit the "back" button"
...you start with a passive-aggressive remark as an opener?
It shows you are somewhat bitter.. and it is not what you want to project to women.

Bitter? I just don't see that at all. ****y and dryly humorous, perhaps, but that's OK. It was poking a bit of fun at the many profiles who say they're a "regular guy." Perhaps I should be more aggressively, naughtily, humorous, and say ".... hit ctrl alt del." If anyone reads bitterness into it, let them be weeded out. :rockon:

"and physically fit (on the athletic side of trim) and extremely youthful"

Thats a bit of overthinking on which side you are - you are athletic and fit.

Actually, it's just giving a better description than the available options. Skinny sells me short, and saying out-and-out athletic sets up too high of expectations.

If you say "youthful" that shows you are concerned about how youthful you appear. As if you would say "I am sane". Why would you want to do that, just to show that you are not always confident?

Come to think of it, it might be better to simply say the pics are from 2002 to 2004, and leave it at that, but there's a method to my madness: I did want to emphasize youthfulness, because I get too many replies from stuffy, old women who would look like they could be my mother if I were out with them.

"(especially playing drums)" If you put it this way, it stands out a lot. Did you want this to stand out?

Absolutely.

"My match must be bright, sensual, and not too dogmatic"... if you look up "dogmatic in ******** dictionary it usually means slutty...

A bit of trouble with English there? Dogmatic means having a tendency to follow a dogma (set of rules), especially religious rules and/or a political party line, rather than to think for oneself. Fundamentalist religion, communism, and far-right Republican politics are examples of dogmatic schools of thought.

By the way, you sentences like a half paragraph long, it is very hard to read especially if they same descriptive structure. Consider make them shorter a bit.

Good suggestion, if I can do it with a decent flow.

"job: Self-Employed"
Well.. if you are a rock-star - yes, you can humbly say "I am Self-Employed: I am a rock star". Otherwise why dont you create a bit of mystery and say just:
"Self-Employed. It's pretty close to a "dream job." Set my own hours and get paid well for exploring interesting old houses."

Not a bad suggestion. Thanks.

"Faith Other The usual: sacrifices, spells, and sex rituals"
If you say "sex" in the line for "faith", all women connected with religion will crucify you right there....and as far as I know most women are at least somewhat religious. Why dont give them a chance?

I most defintiely want to weed out anyone who would be offended by that blatantly humorous comment.

"About My Date"
Too many "any"... it may appear to women that you dont care about her... you sure you want to date 4'11'' and 6'5''women? And it doens't matter if they have any education? or drink heavily?
Just ut somehting there... it will give a message "I am selective".

Why lie about caring about things I really don't care about? I stated right upfront what I want, and threw in plent of stuff to weed out lots of others. A mistake a lot of people make it to have too may petty, meaningless criteria. I'm more about the overall person. I don't care what her hair color, job, education level, height is, really.

General comment.. you put some emphasis on humor, all right - but you didn't want to back it up with some funny twist in the profile - I am sure you could do that.

There's nothing worse than forced humor. If the religion bit doesn't crack them up, I don't know what would.

Another overall good principle is to let loose a bit. I think letting your hair down a bit is actually reassuring. Why be sneaky if you're cool?

Thanks for the comments.

 

[al77]

Re: Thanks, al77, but...

Originally posted by Bonhomme
You're coming at it from a whole different direction than me. I'm not trying to please as many women as possible, but to attract women who either:
1) Are looking for someone with a bit of an edge, or
2) Are looking to have a bit of fun.
That, and to weed out women who are just too conventional to deal with me. May as well scratch them straight off.

Certainly you can do that. My point is male and female thinking are quite different, and we all have to put some efforts in finding some common language. Since you offered to critique your profile,
I simply pointed out where I thought your view was too different from female one. Sure if you choose to stick to the concept "I'll show her my quirks and weed out the rest who cannot deal with it" - then basically anything you write will be fine.
I assumed you had a bit different concept - my mistake.

"relationships: No Answer" ... Women are extremely sensitive to this line: just put something there...
It would be better to simply say "unmarried" somewhere in my profile text, because that could imply single (what most women don't want to see) or divorced (what they do want to see).

Yes, they dont let us come up with out definition though. They have an option "Several relationships - but now single", this will leave much better impression than "no answer", since the latter is like a guy wants to hide something....

"If you're looking for a "regular guy," hit the "back" button"
...you start with a passive-aggressive remark as an opener?
It shows you are somewhat bitter.. and it is not what you want to project to women.
Bitter? I just don't see that at all. ****y and dryly humorous,

Thats not how I think. Thats how I think women think: I do believe many women would see bitterness in anything that is remotely negative, they are just much more sensitive than we are.

there's a method to my madness: I did want to emphasize youthfulness, because I get too many replies from stuffy, old women who would look like they could be my mother if I were out with them.

Oh that would be fine if you do that while describing her, but if
you say that about yourself you give a mixed message: that you are a bit ****y about it (which is good) and a bit insecure (which is not good). You may not feel that way, but when women read the profile this is how they think I guess.
If you goal to attract youthful looking women, then add it to your requirements for your match.

"My match must be bright, sensual, and not too dogmatic"... if you look up "dogmatic in ******** dictionary it usually means slutty...
A bit of trouble with English there? Dogmatic means having a tendency to follow a dogma (set of rules), especially religious rules and/or a political party line, rather than to think for oneself. Fundamentalist religion, communism, and far-right Republican politics are examples of dogmatic schools of thought.

Thats is not that simple. Look, most women are not interested in politics and they won't have that specific definition you cited related to religion or politics in their heads. Most women would simply stop in the very first part of it: "having a tendency to follow set of rules". And you want her not to follow the set of rules. What it could mean for women? They certainly connect it with relationships..and a female who doesn't follow rules in dating\relationship... well is up to ONS for example.
It is not about English or logic or common sense. It is about ******** and women logic. If you target women who are free thinking and not dogmatic, for women it mean these type of women can have sex quite easily.

Why lie about caring about things I really don't care about? I don't care what her hair color, job, education level, height is, really.

It is not about your actual preferences. You know your preferences anyway. It is about what women think looking at your requirements: for example if a guy say "I want just a.. female" then all females would label him as "unselective" and "he wants only one thing!". But if he says somehting like "educated, athletic, blah blah woman" then women see this average stuff as "Oh, he is a decent guy!" because he is selective. They dont care what you say, they care if you are selective...

 

[Bonhomme]

Yup

Sure if you choose to stick to the concept "I'll show her my quirks and weed out the rest who cannot deal with it" - then basically anything you write will be fine.

That's the idea. But I did add "unmarried" to my text to make that clear, though it may cost me a fling or two. If one were to ask if I'm single or divorced, I'd simply tell them I prefer to stick to the present, and keep my answers in the present.

If you target women who are free thinking and not dogmatic, for women it mean these type of women can have sex quite easily.

You're writing as if this wuld be a bad thing. (chuckling) I most definitely want to encourage women who would have sex quite easily.

 

[al77]

Re: Yup

Originally posted by Bonhomme

You're writing as if this wuld be a bad thing. (chuckling) I most definitely want to encourage women who would have sex quite easily.

I believe all women would like to say that they are "decent", and decent girls "dont want to have sex" or at least don't talk about and dont admit it. Even if she is complete *****, she wants to think about herself as "decent". Thats a huge difference between men's and women's outlook.
So I suggested to assume that she is "decent", which is practically all women want to think and want to hear.