Possible HPD/BPD ex girlfriend? - Not your usual story.

[redbaron5]

You are a complete idiot for even speaking to this individual for round two. I say that in the nicest way possible.

What do you not understand about the fact that this person is mentally ill? To her, 2+2 might as well equal 7. She does not care about you, your feelings, she does not have empathy, remorse, or a moral compass. She does not think like you, she does not think about you. She sounds like she really is a cluster B, in which case she talks like a human and walks like a human, but the similarities stop there. Why would you even want to be involved with a person who would get engaged to a man after two months and then leave him for your round 2? The answers are right in-front of your god damned face man, wake up. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

The only think you should be concerned with, is why the hell you let a vampire suck the life out you. For what, in the name of love? This isnt as easy as "forget about her, spin plates, and go lift" There is something seriously wrong with you. Co-dependency, Narcissism, abandonment, low self esteem, pride and ego are the toxic traits that will get you caught up with a Cluster-B and taken for the emotional bomb of a roller-coaster. do not EVER talk to this person again. Fix yourself, and use this as a learning tool for the future. I can say with a straight face that surviving a cluster B **** bomb is the best character building experience for a man possible. If you can internalize what has happened to you, you'll be a better person.

Take it from me, a guy who lost his business, house, friends, family, and went to jail over a Cluster-B nightmare. Yea yea, I know... I loved her too.

 

[skinnyguy]

I stopped reading when you called her a 10

You're completely whipped and need to take a 6 month break from women. This woman has destroyed you and you need to go back to being single so you can shake off all the negativity you've had to endure.

 

[searching solace]

You are a complete idiot for even speaking to this individual for round two. I say that in the nicest way possible.

What do you not understand about the fact that this person is mentally ill? To her, 2+2 might as well equal 7. She does not care about you, your feelings, she does not have empathy, remorse, or a moral compass. She does not think like you, she does not think about you. She sounds like she really is a cluster B, in which case she talks like a human and walks like a human, but the similarities stop there. Why would you even want to be involved with a person who would get engaged to a man after two months and then leave him for your round 2? The answers are right in-front of your god damned face man, wake up. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.

The only think you should be concerned with, is why the hell you let a vampire suck the life out you. For what, in the name of love? This isnt as easy as "forget about her, spin plates, and go lift" There is something seriously wrong with you. Co-dependency, Narcissism, abandonment, low self esteem, pride and ego are the toxic traits that will get you caught up with a Cluster-B and taken for the emotional bomb of a roller-coaster. do not EVER talk to this person again. Fix yourself, and use this as a learning tool for the future. I can say with a straight face that surviving a cluster B **** bomb is the best character building experience for a man possible. If you can internalize what has happened to you, you'll be a better person.

Take it from me, a guy who lost his business, house, friends, family, and went to jail over a Cluster-B nightmare. Yea yea, I know... I loved her too.

Thank you all for the replies, I do appreciate it and they help in processing this.

I think one of my problems is that I do not know when to just walk away. I am inherently a nice person and I find it hard to leave someone. I always felt like I had helped her a lot, helping shape her into the improved person she is today. So that when all this happened recently, I felt massively betrayed and harboured many regrets about not appreciating and prioritising her more. I began to feel like the crazy one. Before this, when I was thinking more rationally, I just didn't seem to want to give her that. Her controlling parents always lingered at the back of my mind and maybe that's why I was hesitant to give myself to her completely.

I am really, really hoping that I have dodged a bullet here and it's just that I cannot see it yet. Despite not having talked to her for almost a month, I still have urges to and I still wonder whether I made a mistake by letting her slip away.

I also have massive trust issues (and probably abandonment fears, too) which were greatly exacerbated by her at points in this relationship. As you can see, she was a pathological liar during the first 6 months. But it seemed like she had improved greatly since then - she swore she'd never lie again. There was less drama... but maybe that was because it had been long distance.

I will look to get some therapy but it's difficult to fit in around my job.

 

[searching solace]

I hope the translation is not lost:

https://translate.google.com/?q=go+****+yourself&ie=UTF-8&sl=en&tl=zh-CN&sa=X#en/zh-CN/go **** yourself

I'm not Chinese but good effort.

 

[salinechow]

I am going to share with you a little story.

The tale of Operative Conditioning by Skinner's Box.

(I may not get it exactly right but I want to boil it down in a way you'll understand.)

There is this rat. He is hungry and he likes sugary treats. He also likes water. He needs it to live. So, Henry, the rat lives in this cage. It has everything he needs to live and be comfortable. He has a lever that he can pull to eat and drink. He does, and he is happy. Henry pull the lever and he is rewarded with sweet treats. He thinks life is good.

One day Henry pulls the lever and he receives a painful electric shock. He is hurt and confused but thinks its probably just an anomaly because he has been so happy and the treats tastes so good. He forgets about it, does not think to much about it and continues being happy.

The next day Henry notices that the door to his cage has been left open. He thinks this is odd but exciting and intriguing but mostly ignores it because he is happy in his comfortable place of happiness and ease. He decides to have a treat for breakfast. Mhmmm. Delicious.

Later that day, when Henry the rat becomes hungry again he hits the lever for his treat and WHAM he is shocked, painfully again. He recoils and wonders what the heck that was. He didn't like how it felt. Yet, he thinks about the delicious treats he has always had, and remebers how delicious and satisfying the treat he had this very morning was and he salivates for it. He approaches the lever and pushes it down, a little slower this time, as he thinks maybe he has to maybe change his technique of lever pressing. He thinks after a lifelong enjoyment of treats, that maybe HE has been doing something wrong all of the sudden. Well, it couldn't hurt to try right? Must be him?

WHAM, a painful electric shock courses through his body. Now Henry is hurt and pissed. 2 shocks in a row! But he tries again. As the delicious treat rolls into his mouth, he thinks it is even more delicious than any he has ever had before. Has he been rewarded for his persistence he thinks to himself? He takes a drink of water from the other lever and just enjoys the thoughts of how delicious that treat was just now. He thinks himself a tough and smart rat because he endured such pain but still got his treat. He is already thinking about dinner time.

At dinner time Henry hits the lever. WHAM! Shocked again! And again! And Again! Three times in a row! He doesn't care. The treats are delicious, he know they are in there, he knows he will eventually get one, and he loves them so much he just doesn't care about this new routine. When he finally gets the treat it tastes amazing. After all that hard work and suffering, it even feels like he is receiving more nutrients than he thought he ever even needed because the electric shocks are wearing him out.

Now, A few short weeks later. Henry is a former shell of his old self. He has to endure 25 or more shocks per treat. Some days he doesn't even get one at all. Yet, he must try, just to stay alive. He no longer even really enjoys the treats as much as he needs them just to replace all the energy he has lost enduring the pain.

That night he wonders what happened to his world. Why is the no more joy? Why was the treats ever put there so easily at first? What can be done. He knows he is dying and is unsure how much more he can take. Yet, he needs the small energy he recieves from the treats just to be able to feel like himself enough to even think of a way out.

Then he remembers, the door of the cage! He remembers it is open. It has been open. Why did he never think of it before? He looks around his cage and thinks of all the comfortable times. The sweet treats that where given free of electric charge. He remembers how lucky he felt and powerful and smart when he had it all and it felt like it was just given to him. He realizes thats why he never considered the door of the cage being open. Beyond that door is the unknown. Where will he get treats? Where will he feel the way he felt in his cage? Henry is scared, tired, and dying, but....he would rather die then feel one more shock of pain.

He musters what little energy he has left and walks towards the open door. On his way out he sees his shiny lever that used to give him so much enjoyment. He thinks, maybe one more treat. One more delicious taste for old times sake. Heck, maybe even the shocks are gone forever? Maybe the shock have run out and there only treats left from now on? Maybe, he doesn't have to leave at all. Maybe this whole nightmare phase is over for good?

Henry wants to try it. He feels like even if it is a shock this time, hes still a tough and smart rat and he could handle it. Maybe if he does survive the shock, then that will be the last one.

Henry then hears what he think is voices? He thinks maybe he is losing his mind because he hasn't heard any voices in years. He tries to listen close. At first he cant make out what they are saying, it sounds like gibberish? Then he hears a word. LEAVE. He shakes his head. He tells himself he is not ready. He cries out "I cant. I am not ready. I am too weak" He sobs and loses more energy as he doubts himself. The voices get louder and more clear. He hears his name. "Henry, LEAVE!" He hears the voices loud and clear now just loud enough to hear over his crying.

"HENRY!!!!! LEAVE the CAGE!!!!!

 

[salinechow]

He takes one last look at the lever of pleasure and pain....and runs, as fast as he can and throws himself through the door of the open cage with the last energy he has left in his frail and broken frame.

He plummets, falling. It is dark as he falls and he it feels like slow motion. He remembers lots of things, good, bad, everything in between. Strangely he thinks to himself over and over. "I am Henry"

Henry lands gently into an embrace. The one who caught him is named SoSuave. Sosuave asks Henry if he is okay. Sosuave tells Henry he will be. Sosuave tells Henry to look around. Henry is weak but he his so glad he has someone there with him. As Henry looks around he sees cages all around. Cages that look just like his. But, Henry sees no movement. He hears nothing? He looks at Sosuave. Then he looks back at the cages.

He realizes he can see lifeless forms of rats in various stages of rigor mortis. And then, in his weakened condition, the smell hits him.

"They are all dead?" He asks? So suave answers "Yes". And Henry knows immediately. One more pull on that lever and he would have died.

Sosuave carries Henry across the floor and through a small hole in the wall. While Sosuave is dragging Henry, he tells him that he has been calling for him for a while now.

On the other side of the whole in the wall Henry is blinded by the lights and sounds of a life and environment he never knew existed. He passes out.

When Henry wakes up the first thing he thinks is about treats. And, then, how they almost killed him. He leaves the room where he is and notices a mirror. He never really saw his own reflection before, at least not that he remembers. He peers into it and he is blown away.

"What have I become!?"

He hears the voice of Sosuave. "You have taken the first step to becoming you" "Its not very nice right now. But Henry, you are alive!" "Alive enough to even look into the mirror that many never will" "And that, Henry, is all you need"

And then Henry asks something he knows is even stupider than it sounded in his head. "What about the treats?"

Sosuave laughs. He takes Henry to the window. As SoSuave pulls back the shade Henry sees a mountain. It looks just like a giant treat. Henry exclaims. "Nooooo. Waayyyy!" "Yep" Says Sosuave. "There are hills and mountains out there, full of treats." Henry asks" Well how do I get there!? It seems so far away."

Sosuave says to him. "You can have all the treats in the world Henry. You just got to stop thinking about the old ones." "Ill help you get healthy. You just have to train your body, read literature about emotional and mental health, and get into something just as much as you were into treats....THAT IS NOT TREATS! Not yet."

Henry agrees. He cant wait. He is so happy to be alive and have a friend that cares. He is so happy that he can hear his voice now. Henry most of all cant wait for a time were he doesn't even think about treats as much as he used to.

"Hey Henry!" Sosuave calls him over. "You ready to get started" Henry says, "Yeah, I think so" Sosuave says "Okay. I just want to show you something first. Come here."

Sosuave opens a draw and Henry pinches his nose at a foul smell as he cranes his neck to look over Sosuaves shoulder into the draw. Henry says. "Dude, WTF is that, sh!t?" Sosuave tells him. " I grabbed a treat for you on the way out. Just in case you ever wanted just one more taste." Henry laughs. But then he realizes. In his memory he recalls. Thats exactly what his old treats looked like. Sosauve tells him.

"Thats right Henry. You were eating sh!t this whole time. You just didn't know it, because you never knew what anything else could taste like. You lived in a cage."

MORAL:

The cage is your habits. You fear to grow. DO THE WORK. The harder it feels the better it is for you. Work out. See a therapist. Get a hobby and work longer hrs for awhile. LEAVE THE CAGE. Be smarter than a rat.

Treats are cluster B girlfriends (or and incompatible person you tolerate because you are fat, lazy, unmotivated and too nice. Stop it. Be a man. Stop eating sh!t.

Sosuave and its resources are your friend. Listen to the voices. Ignore your own sometimes if you have too. Im not just talking about the advice here either. Im talking about the thousands of links and books that have been shared. READ THEM you A$$holes. They might literally save your life. If you are tolerating sh!t behavior from anyone in your life more than 3 times. You suck. Stop. Read the literal manuals on how to stop sucking so bad.

The mountains of treats are all the different experiences in life, and woman of course as well, that you are not tasting because you are too busying enjoying eating **** and electric shocks to your brain sh!ty people are giving you.

This story has basis in actual psychology experiments. Look it up.

Also, from my own experiences.

In a way its not your fault. Yet, once you have been told by people smarter or at least more clear headed than you, and you continue, NOW, it is your fault. Take the help you are given.

-Saline

 

[dude99]

This girl is a sociopath. The bigger the space between you and her the betterm

 

[dutchmaster]

Thank you all for the replies, I do appreciate it and they help in processing this.

I think one of my problems is that I do not know when to just walk away. I am inherently a nice person and I find it hard to leave someone. I always felt like I had helped her a lot, helping shape her into the improved person she is today. So that when all this happened recently, I felt massively betrayed and harboured many regrets about not appreciating and prioritising her more. I began to feel like the crazy one. Before this, when I was thinking more rationally, I just didn't seem to want to give her that. Her controlling parents always lingered at the back of my mind and maybe that's why I was hesitant to give myself to her completely.

I am really, really hoping that I have dodged a bullet here and it's just that I cannot see it yet. Despite not having talked to her for almost a month, I still have urges to and I still wonder whether I made a mistake by letting her slip away.

I also have massive trust issues (and probably abandonment fears, too) which were greatly exacerbated by her at points in this relationship. As you can see, she was a pathological liar during the first 6 months. But it seemed like she had improved greatly since then - she swore she'd never lie again. There was less drama... but maybe that was because it had been long distance.

I will look to get some therapy but it's difficult to fit in around my job.

Bro you need help as others have stated. Just look at your post, all you're writing is "i".. "I This" "I that" you are way too self absorbed in how you think and arrogantly so think you can fix this wack job. you need help so you can see the error in your own ways, which she apparently can see and is using against you hard.

 

[dude99]

Bro you need help as others have stated. Just look at your post, all you're writing is "i".. "I This" "I that" you are way too self absorbed in how you think and arrogantly so think you can fix this wack job. you need help so you can see the error in your own ways, which she apparently can see and is using against you hard.

All his I messed this up i.should have... Is typical reaction of some one that has been through mental abuse. And that is exactly what this crazy broad did to him. She messed with his head. She gaslighted him and then led him to believe that everything was his fault. The sociopath will toy with you, mess with you, chew you up and spit you out and when tell are done playing with you they leave you believing that it was your fault.

This poor guy was nothing but entertainment for her. He thinks she loved him when rhe woman clearly hasn't a clue what love is.

 

[dutchmaster]

All his I messed this up i.should have... Is typical reaction of some one that has been through mental abuse. And that is exactly what this crazy broad did to him. She messed with his head. She gaslighted him and then led him to believe that everything was his fault. The sociopath will toy with you, mess with you, chew you up and spit you out and when tell are done playing with you they leave you believing that it was your fault.

This poor guy was nothing but entertainment for her. He thinks she loved him when rhe woman clearly hasn't a clue what love is.

no it's a form of thinking that predators look for. To gas light someone the victim already needs to have a diluted sense of self prior to meeting the predator. Whether it's a low or high one. It's hard to gas light and mentally torment a mentally healthy person, they would call u a weirdo or tell u 2 fvck off for trying

Edit let me go into more detail.

This "victim" himself is a narcissist or narcissistic, his way of thinking revolves around him and nothing else. "I should hav done this. I should have done that. I felt this way, that awy, I did that for her" he doesn't possess the mental capacity to think past himself and she along with other predators seek this type of person. He has low self worth so resorts to helping and serving others to please them. Just look at how he acts on this thread. Lets s everyone tell him good advice and goes and wipes his a55 with it and gets back with this chick. thinks he knows better, cuz how can someone else know what's better for precious OP's ego and enforcement of toxic tendencies??

Look at the story about Henry the rat someone posted above. Virtually similar situation in a metaphor. Sociopath girlfriend enables narc tendencies for him. Makes him feel powerful, strong, secure, then pulls the carrot back and dangles it further and further. Making him crave the assurance and rewarding him with it here and there. And each time the carrot gets further and further and the reinforcement is smaller and smaller, so after enabling the large narc ego she's now breaking it down causing the victim to become a shell of himself, which is where he's at now. Hence why he needs professional help. He isn't traumatized from the abuse as much as he already was before meeting her. Whether it was from family, friends, way of thinking. Something in his life made him adopt a narc pattern of thinking and she sought it out and used it against him.

 

[dude99]

no it's a form of thinking that predators look for. To gas light someone the victim already needs to have a diluted sense of self prior to meeting the predator. Whether it's a low or high one. It's hard to gas light and mentally torment a mentally healthy person, they would call u a weirdo or tell u 2 fvck off for trying

Yeah that kind of is my point. This guys mental strength and self esteem is low making him an easy target for a girl like this.

 

[searching solace]

no it's a form of thinking that predators look for. To gas light someone the victim already needs to have a diluted sense of self prior to meeting the predator. Whether it's a low or high one. It's hard to gas light and mentally torment a mentally healthy person, they would call u a weirdo or tell u 2 fvck off for trying

Edit let me go into more detail.

This "victim" himself is a narcissist or narcissistic, his way of thinking revolves around him and nothing else. "I should hav done this. I should have done that. I felt this way, that awy, I did that for her" he doesn't possess the mental capacity to think past himself and she along with other predators seek this type of person. He has low self worth so resorts to helping and serving others to please them. Just look at how he acts on this thread. Lets s everyone tell him good advice and goes and wipes his a55 with it and gets back with this chick. thinks he knows better, cuz how can someone else know what's better for precious OP's ego and enforcement of toxic tendencies??

Look at the story about Henry the rat someone posted above. Virtually similar situation in a metaphor. Sociopath girlfriend enables narc tendencies for him. Makes him feel powerful, strong, secure, then pulls the carrot back and dangles it further and further. Making him crave the assurance and rewarding him with it here and there. And each time the carrot gets further and further and the reinforcement is smaller and smaller, so after enabling the large narc ego she's now breaking it down causing the victim to become a shell of himself, which is where he's at now. Hence why he needs professional help. He isn't traumatized from the abuse as much as he already was before meeting her. Whether it was from family, friends, way of thinking. Something in his life made him adopt a narc pattern of thinking and she sought it out and used it against him.

First of all, I do appreciate all your replies, especially Saline's - that was beautifully written and I appreciate the time it must have taken!

As tough as what you guys are saying is to swallow, I WILL take it on board. I have become very self-absorbed through all of this, I can see and accept that. It's disgusting and it needs to change. Over the last 3 years, for various reasons including her, my self esteem has taken a battering. Before I met her, I was not like this. And it's true, I did use 'I' a lot, but I have been consumed with regret and rumination lately and it really makes you question yourself and your own actions, and when I wrote that follow up post, I was feeling pretty fraught. I think I have been trying to take responsibility for what happened, blaming myself.

It's crazy. She would always push-pull. Leave and then come back. So when it happened for real this time, it knocked me for six. I felt like I could always walk away and care less but this massive subconscious attachment came out of nowhere. I don't know if she was a sociopath or anything like that, but I can see clearly now that I would be a fool to think about trying to 'get her back' or even trying to contact her again. So thank you sincerely for that.

 

[salinechow]

Possible indications of HPD:

- She lied about being a virgin. This really hurt when I found out it was not the truth. Right away, she also mentioned that she had been sexually abused by a family member when she was very young - I’m am not sure whether this is true or not but she made me feel bad about it when I questioned it.

- Huge mood swings and overreactions. She could go from distraught to ecstatically happy within an hour or so.

- We argued far too much over small things - and she could be very offensive in the arguments. It was often that she was upset that i didn’t give her enough attention, love and appreciation.

- Over lunch one time, her parents told me in front of her that they thought she might have been a bit bipolar, and had put her on anti-depression meds the previous year (without her knowing - don’t ask), but concluded she was just a moody musician/artist who had to be handled differently to normal people. She also believed this and that was why she needed someone to constantly shower her with adoration.

- She dropped out of many things - world class music schools, acting academies - she always seemed to let things get to her.

She was often in contact with male ‘friends’, especially when things between us weren’t going well. She had one friend in particular that she had never met, but was very close with him via online methods. One or two close girl friends.

- She would become absolutely hysterical sometimes for reasons I can’t even remember. She’s get me to chase her down the street on numerous occasions, having to persuade her to come back. She also threatened to move out numerous time, packing all of her things into cases, only to either be persuaded not to, or to come back the next day. Exhausting.

- She adored me and did everything for me. I’m low maintenance so i don’t need a lot of attention / loving gestures. It was sometimes too much, and she claimed i didn’t appreciate the things she did. This may have been true.

- She was a perfectionist, possibly stemming from a musical upbringing.

- On a couple of occasions, she made dramatic public scenes which were embarrassing, such as screaming at me in the street, jumping into public fountains (when drunk) and storming off. This was usually caused by her perceiving me as not appreciating her enough, not loving her enough, and not giving enough emotionally to the relationship. I chalked this down to me maybe not showing her enough affection and her being young and immature.

- One day she was very distant. I was out of town. The previous day, she was looking for some work and i found a job ad for a guy making a short film. I said she should enquire. She met him but there wasn’t a role for her as she was too young I suspected she might have arranged to meet a guy. They smoked weed together. When I was out of town for the day, she was very distant in her communication. I got back and she had left a note saying she was going for an interview at 7.30pm, yet she was still there at 8. I didn’t believe her. I heard her phone go off and I had to check it (shouldn't have but knew I needed to). She had been texting the guy all day, asking him to spend the whole day with her. She said she was lonely at home and I wasn’t giving her enough attention (I was working full time while she was at home), and that it was partly my fault for putting her in touch with him.

- Once, we were watching her favourite film which was very special to her. It was clear I wasn’t enjoying it at all and she got very angry. I got angry in return and she stormed off. Again, maybe my fault, but she seemed to overreact.

- Once I began to research HPD, i must have left a page open on my computer; she saw it and was obviously hurt, yet intrigued. She began going through the ‘characteristics’ and pretty much checked them all off herself. Got angry.

- Took around a $1000 of my cash as she was getting her hair done in an up-market place and wanted the salon to see she had money and have ‘face’ - cultural thing. She said it fell out of her purse on the way home. We searched but we couldn't find it. She swore this was true and I forgave her stupidity, but her own mother didn’t believe her story.

Traits of BPD:

*Unstable, rapidly-shifting patterns of relating; hot/cold, come here/go away, push-pull dynamics.

*Abandonment issues; intense, irrational fears/concerns that you'll leave, or someone will steal you away from them.

*Addiction to chaos and drama. Serene/harmonious periods are short lived.

*Attachment fears~ acting-out angrily after periods of closeness.

*Avoidant personality, passive-aggressive, sarcastic.

*Body dysmorphia; seeing oneself as hideous/ugly or disfigured.

*Cognitive distortion or thought disordered. Gives strangely incongruent responses to your attempts to communicate openly, or problem solve.

*Commitment phobic, disrupts/runs away from closeness and intimacy.

*Crazy-making interactions. Poor comprehension skills, lacks common sense.

*A desperate need for attention/approval from you and others.

*Deflects confrontation by crying, raging or projecting it back on you.

*Denial of unsavory, childish behavior. Can't/won't apologize.

*Dissociated, disconnected, shut-down, 'checked out' or numb.

*Emotional cut-off or withdrawal. Withholding affection and/or sex

*Expects you to be a mind-reader or mommy, and intuit his/her needs (see'transference' issue below).

*Extreme jealousy; tries to separate you from all other attachments (friends, family members, your kids, etc.)

*Inappropriately flirtatious with others, even in your presence.

*Gaslighting; makes you doubt your perceptions, or think you're going crazy.

*Guilting and shaming you during the relationship, and after it's over; when anything's gone wrong, it's always (supposedly) "your" fault.

*Highly manipulative andcontrolling. Your sense of identity and autonomy is severely compromised in a relationship with a Borderline.

*Inappropriately flirtatious with others, even in your presence.

*Gaslighting; makes you doubt your perceptions, or think you're going crazy.

*Hypersexuality or asexuality/non-sexual (especially after marriage).

*Infantile behavior; tantrums, rageful outbursts, persistent baby-talk, etc.

*Infidelity; extramarital sexualor emotionalaffairs, 'cheating' on partner.

*Infidelity; extramarital sexual or emotional affairs, 'cheating' on partner.

*Lack of remorse or empathy, unwillingness to own their mistakes/flaws.

*Lying and deceitfulness, mixed messages, self-contradicting.

*Mother issues (often portrayed/couched as "father" issues).

*Needy, clingy or overly dependent. Can't tolerate aloneness.

*Only wanting/loving you when there's distance--or they can't actually haveyou.

*Paradoxical emotional responses; when you love them more, they love you less. The closer you get, the more they need to distance.

*Passive-aggressive; acting it out, rather than talking it out.

*Poor impulse control. Capable of volatile or violent behaviors & vandalism.

*Poor self-worth, insecurity, low self-esteem, self-loathing.

*Projection; when they assign their own deficits/faults, to you.

*Rebound relationships are extremely common (the bed never gets cold).

*Resolution with interpersonal upsets is virtually impossible. Twisting your words and distorting the facts is common, and the two of you keep circling the drain with no end to the problem in sight. Your Borderline may seem like they're comprehending the immediate concern, and is on-board what you're trying to put forth--but this same issue resurfaces next time a similar event occurs, and you feel like you're replaying the same old broken record.

*Seductive/sexual up until marriage, or the relationship gets solidified or deepened.

*Selective memory or recall of events pertaining to their screw-ups. When it comes toyoursthough, his/her mind is like a steel trap, and they forget nothing!

*Self-sabotage in personal and/or professional realms.

*Sexual molestation or incest in childhood (which may not be remembered).

*Sexually assertive/aggressive. BPD females will usually initiate romantic or sexual pursuit

*Significant lapses in childhood memory.

*Splitting; idealizing or devaluing behaviors, love you/hate you, and black or white perceptions/ideations.

*Stalking; following/shadowing you, incessant text or phone messages, etc. Always checking in with you (and up on you). Suffocating/smothering.

*Transference; it means your Borderline assigns the same traits/features to you, that belonged to his/her undermining parent or caregiver as a child. It's not uncommon therefore, for them to expect you to hurt them, but needing you to function as a (good) parent or mind-reader and intuit their needs.

*Triangulation; anything/anyone that dilutes the focus on your relationship; getting a new pet, having an affair, working longer hours, substance abuse, having a baby, etc.

*You'll always have the feeling you can't please him/her, or have them know how much you really love or care about them. The Borderline makes you feel like you're neverenough--no matterhowmuch you give, or do for them.


These are some notes I have compiled from all over the internet. Since you are still active OP, I thought this may be of help, so that you can rule out any doubt of what you were dealing with. Now, it's your turn. Whats wrong with you that you would tolerate such behavior. Lets go deeper. -----Continued---->

 

[salinechow]

Whats wrong with you:

You’re so turned around you reason that allowing yourself to be humiliated, lied to, manipulated and exploited will prove to Crazy how much you love her and will win back her affection and respect.
Who are you when you’renotfocusing almost exclusively on another human being? Do you know how to take care ofyou? How to make yourself happy in a way that doesn’t involve making another person happy? After being hypervigilant in tending to Crazy’s constant pressing emotional needs, do you know whatyourneeds are? Have you ever known what your needs are?

1. Identify and understand what attracts you to abusive women and what makes you an easy target.Are you a “nice guy?” Are you non-confrontational and eager to please? Were you raised to respect women no matter what? Do you believe it’s your job to cater to a woman’s every need? Do you believe love is supposed to hurt? Do you believe it’s your job to make your partner happy? Do you believe it’s “bad” to put your needs first? Do you believe it’s important to keep the peace at all costs?
2. Stop discounting the obvious.When Crazy is staring you in the face, don’t minimize, rationalize or justify her hurtful, irrational and abusive behavior. It doesn’t matter how hot she is, how sweet she can be when she wants something from you or if she claims to have an abuse history. Abuse is abuse and there’s just no excuse.
5. Set the boundary and make it fast and firm.Taking abusive, crazy nonsense from this kind of individual, even once, is like being sprayed by a cat. If she gets away with it the first time, she’ll assume treating you like garbage is her god-given right. The first time she pushes you; push back (not physically—otherwise you’ll go to jail if you’re a man and Crazy is a woman). Set the boundary. Tell her that her behavior is unacceptable. If she persists, end contact.
7. Identify non-abusive women you already know or whom you pushed away in the past.You’ve probably already had the opportunity to date a non-abusive, kind, mature and loving woman, but found reasons to discount her as a mate. Try to understand why healthy women, especially the ones who are physically attractive, don’t appeal to you. Odds are it’s because you recognize, on some level, that they won’t abuse you. Seems crazy, right? However, it makes sense once you understand what’s occurring on an unconscious level.
9. Be open to meeting a non-abusive and kind woman.When you meet a woman you find physically attractive and smart and don’t feel an initial flush of excitement, give her a chance. Don’t start looking for excuses why you shouldn’t date her. Instead, ask yourself why you wouldn’t want to date her. If the best you can come up with is, “I’m just not feeling it” or “It’s not a good time for me” or “Work is busy” or “I don’t know—I’m just not interested;” dig a little deeper.

 

[salinechow]

Remind yourself you feel uncomfortable because you’re not used to women with healthy boundaries, not because there’s something wrong with her or that she’s not a good match. Be emotionally present on dates with her instead of comparing her to the over-the-top way your exes behaved.

It's critical to understand that both narcissistic and borderline personality disordered individuals incurred very similar types of wounds to their developing sense of Self, and isn't it simplynaturalto be drawn to someone with whom you have things in common, or whoechoes personality aspectsin yourself? Well, this attraction is a lot like that--it feels as if you've found your 'soul mate.' There's a similar vibration/frequency you two share, due to childhood abandonment issues. While the nature of those early difficulties were alike, they've played out in different ways for each of you--but the scars from that time remain, unless there's been some serious core-focused intervention.

The essential difference between the Narcissist and Borderline, is that a BPD person's inner world is so chaotic/fragmented, they have trouble distinguishing between reality and fantasy, which is the actual definition of psychosis. The Borderline's inability to separate fact from fiction distorts their perceptions, and extreme emotional reactivityin referenceto those distortions, is a typical borderline personality feature.

Narcissists are frequently 'super-givers,' but authenticintimacy and closeness are often avoided, given their engulfment fears. Caregiver types can easily be drawn to borderline disordered individuals who match theirownattachment issues, so that 'safe' emotional proximity remains for them a non-issue.

Do not presume that a Narcissist and Borderline can construct a successful marriage. If they haven't resolved their respective childhood traumas, they'll continually trample on each other's emotional land mines, and trigger highly explosive episodes, while remaining hopelessly enmeshed.

In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchableneed towin, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline isalwaysbetter at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he'll literally fightto the deathto maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, in terms of his good health or monitary fortune while he's ultra-distracted, and obsessively immersed in surmounting this intriguing challenge.

A Narcissist relentlessly tries to 'crack the code' with his BPD lover, due to long-standing, faulty assumptions about himself he adopted as a boy,

The narcissistic partner believes that everyone can be as strong, self-reliant and successful as he has managed to become. He's been pulling himself 'up by the bootstraps' since early childhood, and has surmounted tremendous odds to do so! This gives way to his automatic presumption that if He can do it,anyonecan~ but this is just wishful thinking that's driven by his deep need to alter another, so he can get hisownneeds met by him/her. This fantasy is a carryover from boyhood and his indefatigable efforts to get vital supplies of affection, attention and positive mirroring that he needed from Mother, but could never secure.

A Narcissistic perfectionist believes;"If I feel bad in a relationship, it must bemyfault."The Borderline believes;"If I feel bad in a relationship, it has to beyourfault."This sets up an endless cycle, within which the Borderline rages or retreats--and the Narcissist attempts to 'fix it' by cajoling, pursuing, rescuing, etc., to flee his childhood shame of feeling rejected/unlovable.

It should also be noted, that a person involved with a Borderline for even a limited duration, will be prone to adopting psychotic (BPD) symptomology, due to proximal exposure. That's why we call their behaviors, "crazy-making."

It's virtually impossible for the Narcissist to accept that his BPD lover has no real capacity for love, as during the 'good times,' he's felt jubilant, calm and at peace. To begin questioning these feelings, triggers significantly painful inner conflict--for this challenges long-held definitions of love, and what it's supposed to feel like! Attachment difficulties during childhood strongly influence this struggle, as he had no suitable frame of reference in infancy or boyhood for consistent, nourishing attention, mirroring and affection. Any crumbs of nurturance he got from his parents, may have solidified his immediate sense of value to them--but these episodes were miniscule/brief compared to their neglect or abuse. This early patterning has set the stage for his obsessional attraction to a borderline disordered individual, as he can't painfully yearn for someone who's consistently present and available! This childhood imprint has also impaired his self-worth, and fostered people-pleasing and codependency issues.

Narcissistic individuals are frequently People Pleasers, which means they're passive-aggressive. They're more comfortable giving rather than receiving in relationships, which is part of a control issue they adopted during childhood, in response to parental neglect. In couplings, the one who needs the least, is always the one in power--and the Borderline's needs usually far outweigh those of her partner. The Borderline is like a little child when it comes to impulse control and asserting wants/needs, so she's the active partner in this dynamic. The Narcissist has never really felt worthy of having needs, so he suppresses them; he's the passive partner. Somebody must be willing to carry the emotions for this relationship, so that typically falls to the active partner--or the Borderline. She'll keep pushing the envelope until she gets a rise out of her partner. She literally thrives on drama and chaos, but rebels like a three year old, when he takes a stand--even though she requires the containment and comfort that boundaries and limits provide. --------Continued------->

 

[salinechow]

Credits to

http://gettinbetter.com/ and

http://shrink4men.com/2015/12/22/re...a-narcissist-or-borderline-and-triangulation/

and others.

-Saline

 

[Asmodeus]

@searching solace That email was not from her mom... She must have made a fake account to make you think it was, it is just too unusual. She is playing some kind of manipulation on you and you should get out. She has some degree of ASPD either psychopathy/sociopathy or some degree of such.
She did quite the job on you. Seen stuff like that before.
Let me tell you how it plays out... She is first very charming, likely the most charming girl you have ever met. You think you are entertaining an exciting relationship, but it is not actually real and her loving persona is a complete fabrication.
She does not bond with you but you bond with her. She would saturate you with a false notions of love and adoration but you cannot tell the difference in your daze of infatuation. It makes you vulnerable, love is like a drug and people in it they cannot think straight, they become attached to it. She gaslights and douses you, giving you just enough attention for you to have reason to stay while she ignites you and everyone around you. You become conditioned with this... You accept these small crumbs of love she feeds you, it is behaviorism... She breaks your self esteem, makes you doubt yourself. You become the problem and not her. She gains control, steals from you your self respect and dignity.
But at some point she cannot hold it up, the manipulations become more and more difficult to maintain, and then you are discarded. And you get the sense that she never truly cared at all, and she likely did not.
She is a psychopath.
Believe me, it is far worse than BPD. If you do not believe me just scour through forums of people who lived through a relationship with one.
It is in the mind, a diseases perhaps I am not sure...

 

[searching solace]

Thank you again.

I have read those sites above before and although some behaviour is similar (as I'd imagine it'd be with a lot of attractive women), some of it isn't. She never ever had a fear of abandonment, wasn't insecure or jealous. I think she could just feel that I probably loved her less than vice versa, and she couldn't live with that anymore, which I understand. I am guilty of not appreciating her more when I had her and I could have showed her I cared more - I thought she'd never really leave. Looking back, I'm not sure why I didn't. Although she may have her fair share of issues, she was very young when I met her and just wanted a hollywood romance, which I wasn't able to give her consistently. She acted out to see if I cared. I think I'm looking for you to say that 'yes she was a psycho / yes she was borderline - run!' so that I can feel better about the fact she is actually gone now, and so I can rationalise in my own head that it's for the best.

I will take all your advice regardless, and I won't ever contact her again, I can see that really is for the best now. I do hope she can find what she's looking for elsewhere.

I am having a reassessment of my whole life and I want to get to the bottom of my own issues first and foremost. Not sure if it's narcissism but I'm probably guilty of being 'too nice' and of not knowing when to just f*cking walk away.

Searching.

 

[searching solace]

@searching solace That email was not from her mom... She must have made a fake account to make you think it was, it is just too unusual. She is playing some kind of manipulation on you and you should get out. She has some degree of ASPD either psychopathy/sociopathy or some degree of such.
She did quite the job on you. Seen stuff like that before.
Let me tell you how it plays out... She is first very charming, likely the most charming girl you have ever met. You think you are entertaining an exciting relationship, but it is not actually real and her loving persona is a complete fabrication.
She does not bond with you but you bond with her. She would saturate you with a false notions of love and adoration but you cannot tell the difference in your daze of infatuation. It makes you vulnerable, love is like a drug and people in it they cannot think straight, they become attached to it. She gaslights and douses you, giving you just enough attention for you to have reason to stay while she ignites you and everyone around you. You become conditioned with this... You accept these small crumbs of love she feeds you, it is behaviorism... She breaks your self esteem, makes you doubt yourself. You become the problem and not her. She gains control, steals from you your self respect and dignity.
But at some point she cannot hold it up, the manipulations become more and more difficult to maintain, and then you are discarded. And you get the sense that she never truly cared at all, and she likely did not.
She is a psychopath.
Believe me, it is far worse than BPD. If you do not believe me just scour through forums of people who lived through a relationship with one.
It is in the mind, a diseases perhaps I am not sure...

It was definitely from her mother. Her mother even called me after and left a voicemail expressing her confusion of how I'd received the email instead of her husband. She'd sent me emails by mistake in the past, too. It was just a (big) mistake which set me back quite a lot.

And yes she was charming at first, but we never ever had a 'honeymoon' period. It was up and down from the start. She never withdrew affection or anything like that, but she was often very unstable. Whether her persona and love was a fabrication or not, I'll never really know that for sure, but she sure did seem to to discard me easily and stop caring quickly, and I've certainly questioned whether she ever really cared. To be honest, I wish I had that ability. The breakup came after a skype call where she was naked. I didn't really react or pay her compliments for some reason. That was the last straw for her. Perhaps she figured she no longer had the desired effect on me.

 

[searching solace]

I'm having a really low couple of days and seem to have slipped into a depression. I have many regrets about the way I acted and treated her when I was with her. There were times when she'd tell me she wasn't happy with things, asking me if I wasn't worried that I might lose her if I didn't change things and how I was acting. I often responded nonchalantly and I'm absolutely kicking myself at how fvcking complacent I was... how I let things get to this stage.

I am so tempted to reach out to her right now. It's pathetic. I haven't heard from her in almost 5 weeks, been broken up 2.5 months. I thought no contact was meant to make things easier, not give you a chance to dwell on things and realise and form regrets. She's likely seeing someone new now too.

Apart from those first 6 months or so when she was unstable and young, she wasn't too problematic, until this breakup and how she handled it.

Why am I having such a hard time accepting she's gone for good this time?