Possible Buyer's Remorse

[Rubato]

I think the answer to this is to just pull back and see what happens.

I was on my second date with a girl who seemed to have a high IL. Continuously texting me, qualifying herself to me, the typical signs. We got together to "watch a movie" and about the time our clothes were coming off, her friend called and said she had a 10 page paper due electronically in 4 hours and needed the girl's help. She's got a BA in English.

Well, her friend was apparently already outside the appt and didn't know she had company. I was pretty p*ssed about this whole thing because I was about ready to have sex with her and a mixture of her apparent martyr personality and her friend's complete lack of personal responsibility screwed it up. So, since her friend was just outside, she got the idea what was going on. The walls aren't too thick.

I put my clothes on, hugged my date goodbye and left. Her friend called out from the car "sorry for ruining your date!!!"

Now, her friend was an ugly piece of trash. I don't really care to analyze the situation and think about whether her friend is jealous and wanted to sabotage it, or any other crap like that. What I do know is that she's giving me unusual radio silence now.

I texted her last night and asked her the paper was coming. Nothing.

She's going to a concert tonight and I asked her this afternoon if she was getting excited. Nothing.

So... all I've got to say is d*mn.

I don't really care what's going on. I suspect it might be ASD and/or a moderated form of buyer's remorse, but how am I supposed to know.

I just want to know what to do about this. And it seems like the best thing to do is give radio silence back. What else am I gonna do? Keep texting? No.

Thoughts? Thanks.

 

[Aaron B]

i'm prejudiced against cell phones so posts like your make me insane

when did we reach the point where, by default, whatever is happening with the phone supercedes what is happening in the environment in which the phone is located?

does that seem crazy to anyone else?

i went to all the trouble to be here in this physical space with you - doesn't that warrant a greater consideration than someone who is somewhere else and is contacting you on your personal communications device?

people think i'm nuts and rude and a jerk, but i honestly take her phone away if it becomes a problem

like it makes a noise or rings and i give her a dirty look. then when she's looking at the phone i'm giving her instructions on what to do about it so we can get back to business

then when i get her off the phone i'll either take it from her or make her turn it off

i'm damn sure not going to let whoever is on the phone prevent me from getting what i'm after

i'm big on verbalizing what she's doing in the moment. so while she's directing her attention away from our sexual moment and onto the phone, i'm calling her out on doing so while she's doing it

so every step of the way she's having to fight against my strongly expressed desire to get her attention back on me

the fact is that in these type of circumstances with women, when two parties are vying for her attention and one of them is on the screen if you are aggressive and proactive you should win every time

then the friend "i'm sorry for ruining your date!" like that means anything to you

stuff your sorries in a sack! you want to apologize? you can apologize by not doing that sh1t again

however i realize that i'm part of an older generation who didn't grow up with cell phones. so trying to take away the phone of a girl who has always had instant access to the rest of the world may not be realistic. maybe you should get a cell phone jammer and hide it somewhere.

 

[OnTheWayUp]

Things like this suck, I was on a day 2 with a girl about 4 months ago and had her topless in my room when her sister called with bf troubles. It goes without saying that it completely killed the mood. In hindsight, I think I should have let her leave rather than let the phone distract her. I agree with Aaron that it's very hard to separate young girls (18-25) from their phones, although the man who does so occasionally (without being a d1ck) is going to stand out to women. In this case, with the bff at the door, there was pretty much nothing you could have done short of insisting that her phone was switched off from the very beginning and turning her on so much that she ignored her friend's shouts.

As far as your next move is concerned, I think you're on the right lines, OP. Her IL was high enough for her to want to get physical with you, so there's a decent chance she'll reengage you. I'd wait a week and then suggest meeting up again, unless she contacts you sooner.

 

[Rubato]

Aaron,I was not happy about this. At all. This is something that has never happened to me before so I was not sure how to react. It rang 3 times in a row.

She had been getting texts and ignoring them. Good girl.

She ignored the first ring.

She ignored the voicemail blip.

She ignored the 2nd ring and the 2nd voicemail blip.

When the phone rang for the 3rd time in a row, I told her to pick it up and make sure it wasn't something important. Obviously, I forgot that there are losers out there like her friend. I wouldn't call someone like that unless my house was on fire or someone was dying. Her friend is a total retard.

This whole situation p*ssed me off.

I will say though bro, when it comes down to some dude that a girl has seen 2 times in her entire life and a friend she's had since she was a little girl, there is not vying for attention. She's going for the friend.

This didn't become a problem though until I told her to answer the phone. So. That's why I'm asking what I should do about this. In the past when girls have been paying attention to their phone rather than to me, I ask them to either give me the phone, put it away, or I can leave. And I've only had to leave one time.

I don't really see that there was much I could have done about it last night. I'm not pitting myself against her lifelong girlfriend because I know I would lose. So rather than her ask me to leave, I said I needed to get going anyways. Maybe that's a cop out, but it's better than her actually dismissing me.

The only thing I don't get about this situation is why all of a sudden the girl is giving me silence. But, sometimes you don't get answers to all your questions.

 

[thirdtimescharm]

I think you would have raised her IL even farther had you stuck around at least a little while...shown her that you would be there for more than just the clothes coming off. You already had what you wanted, second date? Well done! But a curveball got tossed, and you struck out.

I've read all this stuff about getting girls in to our frame, having them do stuff we want, but there are times when you have to swallow hard and actually -act- like you care. It can go a long way.

 

[betheman]

I think you would have raised her IL even farther had you stuck around at least a little while...shown her that you would be there for more than just the clothes coming off. You already had what you wanted, second date? Well done! But a curveball got tossed, and you struck out.

I've read all this stuff about getting girls in to our frame, having them do stuff we want, but there are times when you have to swallow hard and actually -act- like you care. It can go a long way.

I agre with this, just getting dressed and leaving snet out to her a clear message....'he just wants sex'! now maybe you did, but you cant now complain that she has gone underground.
had you stuck around a little, elp to negotiate with the problem, even if there was nothing you could do, would have gone someway to showing her you didnt see her as a slut.
sounds a bit afc ish but sometimes you got to bend with the wind

 

[Aaron B]

there's nothing wrong with "just wanting sex"

its how we are wired

what i find wrong is women and society expecting men to deny their basic nature

 

[betheman]

Nothing at all wrong with 'just wanting sex', trouble is, you have to dress it up a bit for women, by just leaving like that in front of her friend, it sent out a 'I just wanted to use you for sex' message, instead she was made to look and feela bit of as sl ut...which is a big turn off for women

 

[Atom Smasher]

i'm prejudiced against cell phones so posts like your make me insane

when did we reach the point where, by default, whatever is happening with the phone supercedes what is happening in the environment in which the phone is located?

does that seem crazy to anyone else?

Yup, same here.

I let them keep the phone on during the first date (so they feel secure) then after that, no phones, period. I usually pull out my phone, shut it off in front of her and tell her I would like her to do the same. Never had one not comply.

 

[Aaron B]

Nothing at all wrong with 'just wanting sex', trouble is, you have to dress it up a bit for women, by just leaving like that in front of her friend, it sent out a 'I just wanted to use you for sex' message, instead she was made to look and feela bit of as sl ut...which is a big turn off for women

No you don't.

I'm not responsible for how she feels. That's on her.

If I make her feel like a slut and she chooses to continue seeing me, what have I done wrong?

I refuse to treat women like fragile, pathetic, childlike creatures.

The women have been liberated. They compete with you for higher education and jobs. Treat them accordingly.

It's not my job to protect her from herself. She's a big girl and she can handle it.

 

[betheman]

If I make her feel like a slut and she chooses to continue seeing me, what have I done wrong?

if you both have that clear understanding then all is well, in the ops case its different, there is a lot of 'code' going on, lots of implied outcomes without spelling it out. he broke that code by his actions, why else has she cut him off?

 

[Aaron B]

if you both have that clear understanding then all is well, in the ops case its different, there is a lot of 'code' going on, lots of implied outcomes without spelling it out. he broke that code by his actions, why else has she cut him off?

I have no idea what she clearly understands.

The understanding I'm interested in us sharing is that I'm awesome and she's lucky to be with me.

When she chooses to spend time with me, she is validating and lending her consent to my treatment of her.

She votes with her feet. She chooses to come to me, or she chooses to leave me.

I have no idea why she hasn't responded to him, and I don't care.

He's the prize, not her. He is rare and hard to obtain. She is a dime a dozen.

If she isn't smart enough to figure that out, it's her loss not his.

It seems to me that you are operating based on a system of internal beliefs that are not consistent with reality.

 

[LearningSlowly]

She had been getting texts and ignoring them. Good girl.

The only thing I don't get about this situation is why all of a sudden the girl is giving me silence. But, sometimes you don't get answers to all your questions.

Well, obviously she ignores texts sometimes. Frustrating situation, but don't read into the silence, maybe she was just busy and forgot/chose not to get back to you.

Give her space and wait to see what the future holds.

 

[Rubato]

Lol, this is funny. You guys are reading more in to this than I am.

I tend to agree with Aaron though in this case.

There is no "code", or at least the sort of code betheman is talking about. In past years (heck, even months) I may have played a tacit game with the girl(s) I was seeing. But that's the kind of stuff an AFC does.

Do you really think a DJ is going to waste his time trying to analyze signs or start making these ridiculous extrapolations and abstractions based on a set of information that is entirely incomplete? Or is he just gonna kiss her and interpret her kiss as a yes? Or ask for a date and interpret her agreement as a yes?

Unlike a lot of people on this board, I still think you can find a good woman and develop what some might call "true love". I don't think the mechanism is that same as what Disney describes. Until I know more about the girl, she's just not worth it. And more often than not, when I do learn about the girl, she still isn't.

We, those of us who are looking for more than something to ejaculate in, are looking for the exceptions.

 

[betheman]

"Do you really think a DJ is going to waste his time trying to analyze signs or start making these ridiculous extrapolations and abstractions based on a set of information that is entirely incomplete? Or is he just gonna kiss her and interpret her kiss as a yes? Or ask for a date and interpret her agreement as a yes?"

no, he is going to post his woes on here cos he hasnt a clue how to handle a mess

 

[the_stig]

I think the fat friend somehow turned her against you. It just seems too coincidental and I've been ****blocked too many times by (pick one) angry, jealous, bitter, resentful female friends.

This is a good read and applies to your situation IMO:

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/08/26/your-girlfriends-friends-are-your-enemy/

"Single, overweight BFF’s are your absolute worst enemy, because their bitterness at being single and fat will only be assuaged by the cathartic release of wrecking your relationship with your girlfriend. Idle vaginas are the devil’s playthings. A single, fat BFF wants nothing more in life than the company of misery"

 

[Konada]

Well no use overanalyzing something that is beyond your control. Maybe she was pissed that she wasn't getting dik but instead a warpig's homework. Or maybe her fat friend c0ckblocked you? Just unecessary mental masturbation.

On topic. Rubato I think you have pretty much answered your query yourself. You left the ball in her court so its time you just move on and take it as it comes. If you really must, call her to set up another date. (Just once because you already gave her plenty of chances via texting) That's the maximum I would go to to gauge her IL.

 

[Aaron B]

I've been with my wife for over 7 years if that is important to anyone

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Unlike a lot of people on this board, I still think you can find a good woman and develop what some might call "true love". I don't think the mechanism is that same as what Disney describes. Until I know more about the girl, she's just not worth it. And more often than not, when I do learn about the girl, she still isn't.

We, those of us who are looking for more than something to ejaculate in, are looking for the exceptions.

Definitely the exception. And we (as I count myself among this group) may have a lot harder time of finding that very elusive creature. How many do we know that actually find it? Few talk about it, even when they have it, it seems. It isn't often that you see that 80 year old couple together, still smiling at each other like kids. Or whatever it is that brings two people to whatever kind of union that lifts it above the quiet desperation that most of us will endure.

I'm just hoping my days of being AFC, spinning plates, reading posts, listening, learning, fvcking, marrying, divorcing, growing...evolving...gets me there someday. And I hope the same for all of you.

Now I'm getting all weepy.

 

[Rubato]

Hey, no need to wonder anymore. All of my questions have been answered by a random LJBF.

Next.