Possible BPD Ex/Did I handle the Situation Correctly?

[UndercoverAFC]

Only recently found out my ex may of had BPD Waif symtoms.
Ex-Girlfreind had:
- Depression & Suicidal thoughts
-OCD
- Abandonment Issues (Was constantly saying i'll just sick of her)
- Anxiety
- Said she never loved any of her ex's
- The closer we got the more anxious she got
- Trust Issues
- Talking about a relationship pretty much right from the get go.
- Constant Therapy and changing psychologists

I dated this girl recently for about 5 months total, we got along well she was always happy with me but the problem was after the 6 week honeymoon period she was unable to commit to spending more than 1 time a week with me. Sometimes we'd only hang out every week and and a half. She'd be contantly booking stuff in with her friends. She had talk to before about how two of exes broke up with her due to her not spending enough time with them but I was always a very independent guy so I thought it wouldn't happen with me.

I eventually spoke to her about it two and a half months in and said that I wanted to try and spend two times a week together and that it was important she make more time for us to which she agreed, After she went on a 3 day holiday and then Organized dinner with two different friends over two nights she message me saying that she wanted to talk about our relationship as she will struggle to spend more than 1 time a week with me. As we only live 15 mins apart and she only works 4 days a week I was angry and called her out on the phone about not making me a priority in her life and that I'm only asking for 2 times a week and see should want to spend a little more time with me. She then agreed again.

The next day i received a message for her saying she thought it was a little controlling that I dictate the number of times we hang out and that she knows I'm not asking for much but 1 time a week is good enough for some people herself included. I told her we would talk about it in person where I gave her the ultimatum and asked if she wanted this relationship? I admit I was a little angry by this point as I could not see nor could she give me a reason we couldn't spend twice a week. And said if she can't dedicate twice a week for our relationship then I might as well break up. She said that she has trust issues and worries that I'll get sick of her which I reassured I wouldn't. She agreed and sent me message saying it will be easy to see me more regularly as she has a great time with me. I also found out from her later that her and her ex boyfriend spent 1 time a week together for a year and a half.

About 6 weeks ago my girlfriend broke up after she came back from Bali with me due to what she said severe depression and not being able to commit to a relationship at this time. Got angry and threw her out and went full beta over texts when she said she i didn't love her.
I was angry at the time but wanted to continue to support her as I still cared about her welfare. I was still very angry and confused as to why we had to break up due to a mental illness but accepted it anyway and occasionally messaged her to guage if she was better and now interested in re-continuing.

Recent she got in a relationship with another guy and sent me a message how she hadn't been completely honest and I had been controlling and manipulative by not respecting her wishes and that 1 time a week was enough for some people. We argued and it got a little nasty over text and she pointed out little issues like me choosing most of the restaurants even though I always asked her. but i eventually said that I was disturbed she was talking to about these past issues nad she should be happy with her new boyfriend.

Did I handle the situation wrong by giving that I was semi-angry about the lack of time we spent together? Shoud i have dumped her earlier?

Cliffs:
- Start dating amazing and independent girl
- also a very independent person
- previous boyfriends broke up with he due to lack of time spent together
- only spend 1 time to one every 1.5 times a week together
- over 2 months in i request we spend 2 times a week together
- goes on holiday for 3 days then makes dinner plans with more friends
- she says she will struggle to hang out more than 1 time a week
- call her out on the phone about making me just as much a priority
- says i'm being controlling by dictating the number of days we hang out
- Give her ultimatum in person a little bit angrily, question whether she wants this
- Find out her and ex use to hang out once a week for a year and a half straight
- Things go well for next two months
- Said i loved her, she said she loved was just thinking she loved me just the other day
Goes to Bali says she misses me every second day
- breaks up after coming back from bali due to a mental condition and not being able to be in a committed relationship right now
- Tell her to leave angrily
- Two days later i go beta over texts
- Meet up and decide 1 month break
- Casual bang and get frustrated leading to me ultimate rejection.
- Gets in new relationship 6 weeks later
- I'm angry and she tries to justify breaking up with me due to being controlling 6 weeks later

 

[sylvester the cat]

You can do better than this. Can't you?

This one is gone. It doesn't matter whether you handled it correctly or not. That she is gone is all that matters.

 

[UndercoverAFC]

You can do better than this. Can't you?

This one is gone. It doesn't matter whether you handled it correctly or not. That she is gone is all that matters.

She was the perfect girlfriend apart from the emotional issues and the lack of time spent together. Really attractive, Respectful, loved spending time with my friends and family

I just keep thinking maybe i should've just spent 1 time a week with her and not got angry and try to force it, she would've been happy in the relationship still.

We were so happy together before she left for bali, maybe she cheated but i don't think she was cheating type. But she said she had a panic attack after she came back.

Never been in a real relationship or been in love before, was just banging randoms. So it has hit me pretty hard i guess.

I just want to use this as a learning curve and understand that maybe i should've just given her respect out of what she wanted in the relationship?

 

[sylvester the cat]

She was the perfect girlfriend apart from the emotional issues

So she wasn't the perfect gfriend in other words.

don't beat yourself up. it wasn't your fault. just be grateful she's gone.

 

[UndercoverAFC]

So she wasn't the perfect gfriend in other words.

don't beat yourself up. it wasn't your fault. just be grateful she's gone.

Thanks man.

So i wasn't wrong by getting angry and confronting her when she said she would struggle to spend more than 1 time a week with me? Reading stuff on here say that 1 time a week for a long term relationship is good and I sometimes think I should've just kept my cool and gone with it.

 

[sylvester the cat]

Thanks man.

So i wasn't wrong by getting angry and confronting her when she said she would struggle to spend more than 1 time a week with me? Reading stuff on here say that 1 time a week for a long term relationship is good and I sometimes think I should've just kept my cool and gone with it.

Well, it's not so much wrong to lose your cool and get angry (it happens to us all) but it is something that could be addressed to find the underlying reason.

You got angry because you valued her more than yourself for example. that would be wrong.

 

[mikey2012]

Only way to handle bpd is to go ghost. They are bad news. Bpds will push you to AFC dom if you let them and then they will disappear. They change their tune on a whim. There isn't a happy ending to this . She says she wants one day week when you give it she will want something else..
Just walk and forget about it but be reassured anyone she is with will be in living hell and she will eventually do the same to him

 

[UndercoverAFC]

Well, it's not so much wrong to lose your cool and get angry (it happens to us all) but it is something that could be addressed to find the underlying reason.

You got angry because you valued her more than yourself for example. that would be wrong.

I just wanted to see her twice a week, and when she said she was going to struggle even though we only lived 15 mins away, i felt taken for granted and disrespected in the relationship. Obviously looking back i realise i can't control how much she wants to see me but it was a small request?

My underlying issues are being undressed I think they are to do with my mum who made me feel like a failure and was constant controlling/dominating

Only way to handle bpd is to go ghost. They are bad news.

Maybe she wasn't but i feel as soon as we got close she freaked out and sabotaged the relationship as we were very close before she left and she had a panic attack when she came back. I guess she it was some kind of test on whether i loved her or not. She called me up after i did that and asked why i kicked her out i then hanged up. She was constantly either happy or miserable too.

 

[UndercoverAFC]

Only way to handle bpd is to go ghost. They are bad news. Bpds will push you to AFC dom if you let them and then they will disappear. They change their tune on a whim. There isn't a happy ending to this . She says she wants one day week when you give it she will want something else..
Just walk and forget about it but be reassured anyone she is with will be in living hell and she will eventually do the same to him

Mikey i'm just trying to figure out whether it was me of her I feel a little bit mental throughout the entire relationship to be honest, she was extremely hyper sexual and was questioning me about whether i was interested in a relationship after 1 meeting, one week after she broke up with her ex on 2 years and then went straight to another due after we broke up.

 

[mikey2012]

I just wanted to see her twice a week, and when she said she was going to struggle even though we only lived 15 mins away, i felt taken for granted and disrespected in the relationship. Obviously looking back i realise i can't control how much she wants to see me but it was a small request?

My underlying issues are being undressed I think they are to do with my mum who made me feel like a failure and was constant controlling/dominating



Maybe she wasn't but i feel as soon as we got close she freaked out and sabotaged the relationship as we were very close before she left and she had a panic attack when she came back. I guess she it was some kind of test on whether i loved her or not. She called me up after i did that and asked why i kicked her out i then hanged up. She was constantly either happy or miserable too.

It's not a matter of whether you love her. Bpds always accuse you of this but once you give it to them it's over. You're dealing with a sick individual . I know bpd who used to live with this guy for 3 years and one day she packed her stuff and left when he was at work . No note nothing. Bpds are nutcases. Just be thankful you are out of this. Tough it out. Life will be better without her.

 

[mikey2012]

Mikey i'm just trying to figure out whether it was me of her I feel a little bit mental throughout the entire relationship to be honest, she was extremely hyper sexual and was questioning me about whether i was interested in a relationship after 1 meeting, one week after she broke up with her ex on 2 years and then went straight to another due after we broke up.

Bpds are good at svcking covck . You can get them to do all sorts of nasty crap. That's why it's so hard to let go. But this masks their derangement. They try to mindfvck you . They aren't stable . There's no point rationalising their behaviour. They lie most of the time and change their minds. I knew this bpd who was after me just after she got married and she cheated on the hubby. Later when she got back with him she blamed me for the lies she had to tell him to be with me. Diabolical isn't it. Your best strategy is to forget her otherwise you will go insane

 

[captain55]

I don't think she was a BPD, just a ***** with low interest level who got bored. I say this because A legitimate BPD chick will make you her entire world for the first 1-2 months of the relationship and will want to see you as much as possible, she will put you before her friends because your hew new toy/obsession.

As for her talking about relationship early on? Please brother thats mickey mouse ****......that does not make her borderline. My BPD ex was already picking out baby names talking about our wedding 8 weeks into dating. I've dated a lot of women and only 1 I know for fact was BPD, and when you do come across a legit BPD you won't have to ask if she was, you'll know.

 

[UndercoverAFC]

I don't think she was a BPD, just a ***** with low interest level who got bored. I say this because A legitimate BPD chick will make you her entire world for the first 1-2 months of the relationship and will want to see you as much as possible, she will put you before her friends because your hew new toy/obsession.

She said she liked me even though we hadn't spoken in person in 3 years? She worshipped me at the start and i felt a huge connection to her, she kept saying that I understood her lmore than anyone else.

Then the trust issues and abandonment issues started. She crucified me for telling my mom about her depression and constantly said i'll just get sick of her and leave. She had a unstable family which lead into being a stripper at 18.

I'm probably overthinking it but jesus her behavior was so strange all throughout, driving a motorbike at 150kms an hour in bali, constant drinking etc.

As for her talking about relationship early on? Please brother thats mickey mouse ****......that does not make her borderline. My BPD ex was already picking out baby names talking about our wedding 8 weeks into dating. I've dated a lot of women and only 1 I know for fact was BPD, and when you do come across a legit BPD you won't have to ask if she was, you'll know.

I got mind****ed and the closer we got the more up and down she was. Could be overthinking everything though.

 

[captain55]

Only way to handle bpd is to go ghost. They are bad news. Bpds will push you to AFC dom if you let them and then they will disappear. They change their tune on a whim. There isn't a happy ending to this . She says she wants one day week when you give it she will want something else..
Just walk and forget about it but be reassured anyone she is with will be in living hell and she will eventually do the same to him

Sounds like you know brother lol.

When it comes to Borderlines I agree with you, you CANT win. Act too alpha, she will convince herself in her mind that you abandoned her and she will start monkey branching. Get too close to her, she will push you away, view you as weak and probably dump your ass. Add to the fact that they get bored easily and don't respond to oxytocin the same way normal women do after sex, cheating is inevitable with these creatures from hell

 

[UndercoverAFC]

Sounds like you know brother lol.

When it comes to Borderlines I agree with you, you CANT win. Act too alpha, she will convince herself in her mind that you abandoned her and she will start monkey branching. Get too close to her, she will push you away, view you as weak and probably dump your ass. Add to the fact that they get bored easily and don't respond to oxytocin the same way normal women do after sex, cheating is inevitable with these creatures from hell

She just wanted complete control of the relationship, her last boyfriend saw her once a week for 1.5 years before he convinced her to move out with and **** went south soon after that.

I didn't really classify 1 time a week as a relationship if theres no reason you can't see her more. So i guess i've got to broaden my horizons a bit on that.

 

[mikey2012]

Sounds like you know brother lol.

When it comes to Borderlines I agree with you, you CANT win. Act too alpha, she will convince herself in her mind that you abandoned her and she will start monkey branching. Get too close to her, she will push you away, view you as weak and probably dump your ass. Add to the fact that they get bored easily and don't respond to oxytocin the same way normal women do after sex, cheating is inevitable with these creatures from hell

Yep looking back.. She was the most despicable person I've ever known. She has no loyalty no conscience. Just pure evil. I'm glad I'm done with that crap now. I was accused of being too alpha at the start but then when you give into their demands because they say you don't care or love them enough they turn on you. The only way to win is to gtfo of dodge. Let some other sap deal with it. But he won't have a happy ending.../

 

[mikey2012]

She just wanted complete control of the relationship, her last boyfriend saw her once a week for 1.5 years before he convinced her to move out with and **** went south soon after that.

I didn't really classify 1 time a week as a relationship if theres no reason you can't see her more. So i guess i've got to broaden my horizons a bit on that.

Dude I don't blame you but you took too seriously . The diabolical thing about bpds they seem normal but they aren't . I don't what to say but to go ghost and forget it but you won't . You will analyse and replay crap and this will drive you nuts. You must break off and block contact with her otherwise you will be in hell

 

[captain55]

She just wanted complete control of the relationship, her last boyfriend saw her once a week for 1.5 years before he convinced her to move out with and **** went south soon after that.

I didn't really classify 1 time a week as a relationship if theres no reason you can't see her more. So i guess i've got to broaden my horizons a bit on that.

well looking back at my BPD relationship things didn't start going south until I started seeing her more than just on the weekends. She even admitted to me she got tired of her ex and seeing him everyday before we started dating that should of been a red flag.

You said **** went south after she moved in with the ex, ounds like she was aware of how quickly she gets bored with men and wanted to keep the relationship going as long as possible. It probably would of failed anyways, but had you backed off a bit you probably would of been able to bang her a little longer.

Just be happy your out of it, even if she wasn't BPD why would you want to be with a woman who can't see you more than once a week without getting bored of you? **** that

 

[captain55]

Yep looking back.. She was the most despicable person I've ever known. She has no loyalty no conscience. Just pure evil. I'm glad I'm done with that crap now. I was accused of being too alpha at the start but then when you give into their demands because they say you don't care or love them enough they turn on you. The only way to win is to gtfo of dodge. Let some other sap deal with it. But he won't have a happy ending.../

yeah the problem is they pretty much ruin your opinion of women forever because nothing tops the honeymoon phase. Normal women are boring to me these days, even though I knew the girl I fell in love with wasn't "real" per say it frustrated me to this day. Makes you question reality and start to wonder what's real and what isn't (I really almost lost my mind at one point)

 

[captain55]

Yep looking back.. She was the most despicable person I've ever known. She has no loyalty no conscience. Just pure evil. I'm glad I'm done with that crap now. I was accused of being too alpha at the start but then when you give into their demands because they say you don't care or love them enough they turn on you. The only way to win is to gtfo of dodge. Let some other sap deal with it. But he won't have a happy ending.../

yeah the problem is they pretty much ruin your opinion of women forever because nothing tops the honeymoon phase normal women are boring to me these days, even though I knew the girl I fell in love with wasn't "real" per say and too good to be true, I still crave that high from the initial honeymoon with her. And I probably will be chasing that my entire life.

Just something I wouldn't wish on anyone...Makes you question reality and start to wonder what's real and what isn't.