Positive or more neutral? Smiling or serious?

[Heisenberg]

First time caller/long time listener. I wanted to ask about confidence. Mine has slipped considerably lately, I think mostly due to external factors such as being out of work. Since I can't make my external situation magically change overnight, I'm trying to tweak some things internally and my focus right now is to try and remember how I feel when I'm confident.

Having a bit of a hard time with that, strangely. Not like I'm a lifetime AFC. I've slept with about 40 women, had some career success, just going through a rough spell. So I'm putting out a call to SoSuave members whose self-esteem is at an all-time high. Who never have to hesitate about approaching a woman, because they know they are the goods.

The biggest thing about this confidence amnesia is that I can't even really remember what energy level women respond to. I feel like when I curbed some more hyper tendencies I had when I was younger and evolved into a more calm person, women really responded (it helped that I transformed my body through the gym as well). I became more mysterious, more neutral, but now I feel like I might be coming off as too "blah." Yet if I overcompensate, I become a smiley goof who, to be objective, probably more closely resembles one of these gir's female friends than a lover.

In my most recent dating relationships with women, the sex has been great and all but I can't help but sense that the girls aren't having fun overall in the relationship. Like when I see girl friends posting pictures of them and their boyfriends or fiances on facebook - they're clearly crazy about these guys, both he and her are having a blast wherever they are. I don't get that from my women and, truthfully, I don't know if I'm really a "blast" anywhere, anyway. I'm naturally a low energy individual and I think that limits my relationship potential to 2-3 months. When I try to go too high energy it's not really natural and I don't feel like women are as sexually attracted to me as usual when I put up this disposition.

I don't believe in modifying one's personality to please others, but right now I've become a bit disconnected from my personality so I can't even just default to just being myself, and I'd appreciate some feedback to get back on track for my own sake as well as the sake of getting back to my old DJ ways with women. It truly used to be so easy :\

 

[zinc4]

It's probably more of a looks issue as well..you said you used to go to the gym and have a good body...that pays huge dividends and everything becomes so much easier and natural when they are already attracted to you....start going to the gym again and get a new job....i have a feeling your confidence will naturally go way up from these things...yeah, that's not the short easy solution and not a quick fit...but after half a year or so you will see a huge difference...in your success and confidence levels...

And a good looking hot guy who is neutral is mysterious to women...however, an average guy or just slightly above average guy who is neautral is boring to them....transform your body back to the way it used to be...i was shocked at the difference in results and the way women perceived me last year when i lost 20 something pounds and got fit..i was going through something similar as you before i lost that weight...not as bad as you are describing but i couldn't help but notice the big decline in female attention compared to my youth....i was oblivious to my body and weight for some reason....getting fit and looking good .it trumps pretty much anything you can do with your personality....and try to dress nice as well and get a good hairstyle/cut....a well placed tatoo would probably help as well although they aren't my thing...but women seem to love them....

As far as personality goes....just don't overcompensate for anything...that is what you are doing from the sounds of it....stop thinking so much just try to have fun if that's possible.....if you look good then you shouldn't have to impress them too much with your personality...just stop being so self conscious...

 

[Heisenberg]

Hey zinc, thanks for the reply. I've actually kept up at the gym - probably not going as hard as I used to go when I'm there, but the muscle definition and all that is still there. Body's still pretty good. What I'm noticing is how I carry my body - if that makes sense? When I felt secure in my career and had this gym body, I walked around knowing that women would look at me. When I'd look at them, I almost had this confident smirk like I was catching them checking me out (and they often were!). Now, even though I'm in the same shape, when I look at women I think I'm doing stuff I used to do in high school/college: when they look back, I feel like I'm caught. I'll look away or if I do start a conversation it doesn't go as easily as it used to.

I remember leaving a bar last summer, was on my way home, and a girl whose name I barely knew was looking at me. In one smooth motion I just grabbed her and took her home with me. I know today I would never assume a sale like that, I'd be nervous about them not going along with it and I'd hardly blame them because I feel like I have nothing to offer them.

You're getting the same thing reading this as I am writing it: it's all psychological. I know once I have a job and money again I'll be holding my body properly and have that confident aura back. The problem is I've been waiting for that for a while now and it's like I've had to put my life on hold while I wait for all that stuff to come. My goal would be to not have to wait for this and that to come before I'm allowed to feel confident. I'd like to be one of those guys who is the same when he's rich as he is poor - whose self-esteem is not dependent on having certain boxes checked off a list.

Does that make sense? Any tips?