Short version: In retrospect I realized I was being a hypocrite in my posts to you. I had 'forgotten' the details of my own experiences. I am sorry. I apologize for projecting shame/judgement and in anyway deflating the high you expressing, of your crossing two major rites of passage. My intent was good. My delivery, memory and compassion could have been better. I am sorry.
In my desire to be authentic and take back any negativity I overlaid on your experience, the original and (very vulnerable )version follows.
Alpheta, I'd like to apologize. The posts I wrote intending to help possibly save you from an unwanted child I recognize did not just convey the information and the urgency of the timeline. I recognize now that I also conveyed some shame upon your choices. I am sorry. It's weighed on me and felt heavy.
This morning as I was reflecting on you as a young man and the double rite of passage you had just been through, of both losing your virginity and taking your girlfriend's, I realized my concern for a potential unwanted pregnancy, could have been shared in a way that did not deflate or take away from the vibrancy and aliveness that it was clear you were feeling from having crossed to the other side for yourself and with her. I am sorry for that. There is more.
Thinking about your experience led me to reflect upon when I lost my virginity. My own experience was one I always have had tremendous gratitude for. It was incredible. It was so vibrant, sensual and alive it was amazing to me. As I was reminiscing, I remembered more of the experience than usual.
I became well aquatinted with the pleasures of my body years before I lost my virginity. I know they say teenage male's drive for sex is incredible. I don't question that. No one ever talked about teenage female and their sex drive. For me, every month when my hormones peaked, it took an immense focus and will of restraint, to not fulfill the deepest inner drive and yearning, to be massively penetrated and fvcked. My mind continually imagined sex with men I'd see everywhere and how I could entice that to happen. Maybe that's just me. As a result, I VERY consciously waited to lose my virginity. The drive for sex and penetration was so incredibly intense, I did not trust that I would not CHOOSE to get lost into experiencing all the contained and restrained sexuality I had bottled up or was just always present. I did not trust that I would not throw away getting good grades, scholarships and into a college of my choice and the future I was working towards.
Why am I telling you all this? When I finally lost my own virginity, I did not have protection ready and neither did the man I lost it too. (He was 100% Beta) When things got really heated, and it was clear that everything in me wanted sex to finally happen, he offered to leave, drive to the store and return with condoms. He was more than willing, a 15 minute wait tops. He could not have been more kind and willing. He even admitted that he came over intending for sex to happen, but purposely did not bring protection as he thought that he would not be able to hide his intention and I would perhaps use that to question his caring and then as another excuse to resist further.
What happened? I was the one, who knowingly, consciously, aware of the risk, in the moment consciously judging myself for knowing better, STILL felt like I would implode if he were to leave and I had to wait 15 more minutes. I had been masturbating for years and orgasmed freely and very often. Suddenly I could not stand to wait any longer to be penetrated. Every ounce of my Being wanted it soooooooo bad. He was hesitant because it was clear I was horny beyond words and out of my mind. He was concerned I would forever hold it against him, if he didn't force the responsible choice and just go buy a condom really quick. I don't remember exactly what was said, but I think I pleaded how I could not wait and accepted responsibility and promised not to hold it against him. The discussion ended. A most incredible, seemingly endless, night followed.
When he left the next day, the reality hit, on a lot of levels. Now that I'd actually had been penetrated by a man, all I could think of is when could we do it again. The sensations and experience were so incredible compared to solo masturbation, without penetration. My sexuality was unleashed. (The sad news is, that was not what he expecting.) While I was in awe and reflecting on all hours we had just spent together being physical and how amazing I felt, there were two things that persisted that I wished would have been different. One was the overwhelming worry, what if now I became pregnant. I don't think he came inside me, but the risk was there regardless. What would I do? How would suddenly being pregnant change my life? Then out of the blue, I quickly flashed on all these judgments that over time (in my jealousy of their free sexuality) I had projected on prosmiscuous girls as their lack of restraint, I recognized I was truly no different.
There was no emergency contraceptive pill then. It was just day after day, waiting for weeks, hoping and suddenly praying that I got my period. Stress often will delay the start of a women's period. That was the case as I waited so desperately. I declared I would never risk that again. I didn't for a long, long, long time. I married the man I lost my virginity to. We shared another 15 years together.
I wish I could say that was the only time I choose poorly. One memory triggered another. It wasn't. The last man I was with could play my body like an instrument. I felt a sexual freedom and inhibition with him, that I hadn't felt in my life before. I experienced new types of orgasms. My desire was fueled so intense that even when I knew I was risking pregnancy, the desire was soooo intense, I took the risk any way. The next day I researched options I had never known much about. I followed up with a trip to the pharmacy. I did that twice with him. Although I took the Plan B, it is not a guarantee. Both times the wait and worry and thoughts of how life will forever be different if I become pregnant, were long months to endure. I was blessed and fortunate each time. In retrospect, I see while sexual chemistry and fun was amazing with him, he is the one who I came to learn, deceived me for years, to keep me involved, having sex and gain what he wanted.
So this turned out super long. I am girl and well brevity with words is not my strength. I feel a bit embarrassed sharing all of this with the whole forum. I want to reconcile the shame I threw your way.
I want to acknowledge is how I now realize my posts to you, judging your choices, were entirely hypocritical. I became aware of how I had forgotten all about having done, my version of the same, in some way. I am not any different. I am sorry. I apologize for portraying a sense of judgement and shame upon your choices, having conveniently blanked on the fact that I had put myself in the same situation and not just once. I am sorry and I apologize.
Please know that what was and remains sincere, is the deep concern, of the forever impact upon your and your girlfriend's lives, an unwanted pregnancy would have. I truly meant well. It seems I got ahead of myself in my replies. I hope you understand.
