legolas
Master Don Juan
Fellow DJ,
I don't post here as much anymore as my life is more important to me than wasting time on a forum typing away for hours in an effort to portray my superiority of knowledge
Everybody who posts here thinks their situation is unique and different and they ask for specific advice regarding their situation not realizing that 90% of the time they're living in what I call a Poisonous Mindset. This mindset/pattern is poisoning their lives and they don't even know it. The patterns are always the same but the situations are seemingly unique. There's a belief that if you can learn a better technique say something different things will instantly change for the better.
For the majority of us, girl problems revolve around some very specific patterns that are universal. These are ideas that we've picked up seemingly out of nowhere. For example I used to have a HUGE problem with neediness. I was way too clingy when it came to girls and have successfully managed to screw up several potential relationships due to desperation. Desperation by the way is the advanced level of neediness, when things get just too much.
The following is an abstract from a book I'm working on so I'd appreciate any feedback.
Neediness is one of the biggest poisonous patterns because it shows itself in all situations, whether it be dating, sex, relationships or even business. On this post I will deal specifically with neediness.
Neediness is simply a need for validation from external sources. The key to neediness is the belief that external validation is the only kind that matters. Now what do I mean by external validation? External validation is simply validation that someone gives you either by agreeing with you, doing something for you or some other way.
Think of the last time when you asked a girl out and she said yes, or when you got that kiss at the end of the first date. You probably felt invigorated, giddy, and jumped up and down as if doing a victory dance. Sex for some is the ultimate validation and they end up valuing it beyond what is considered normal. Validation feels pretty good. In fact validation feels so good that you can be addicted to it.
Being addicted to validation is just like a drug addiction. When you get it, it feels pretty awesome but when you're not getting it, you can sink into the deepest of depressions. That's when you start to feel desperate like that drug addict begging for the next hit.
Understanding neediness
Looking at the definition above we can see that neediness is made up of two components. First there is the need which implies that you don't have a choice in the matter. 9 times of 10 the need is self inflicted. What I mean by this is that the need is not something that is vital to your survival like food and water, but usually something where you do have a choice. For example if you had a need for a date you can go and ask an unattractive woman out and get a date easily but you choose not to.
The second component is the belief that only validation from an external source matters. This is a well-known effect in psychology where we tend to value the opinion of a third party more than that of someone we know. For example if your mother told her friend "Dan is a good looking guy" you won't value it as much as when you overhear a girl telling her friend "Dan is so cute!" This is logical because in your mind her opinion is pure but your mom's opinion is biased.
Getting rid neediness
Now that we know what neediness is how do we get rid of it? You have to work on both components of neediness and fix each one separately. First, as we discussed, needing something implies lack of choice in the matter. To overcome this, you need to shift your mindset from one of need to one of want.
Instead of thinking how much you need something, think about how much you want it. Simply replace the thinking in your head from a need to a want thus giving yourself the choice. You want it, but you're fine if you don't get it. Do not underestimate the subtlety of this shift. Whenever you start to feel the neediness creeping in, immediately shift our thoughts from needing it to wanting it. I call this the Chooser Mindset.
Second you need to change the belief that only external validation matters. This is a little tougher since it's a normal human behavior. The key to changing it is to have your own standards that you use to value things like yourself or your accomplishments. Don't rely on other people's opinion as the only source of validation. It helps to be proud of yourself, and the things you've accomplished.
In fact it wouldn't hurt to be a little ****y either: "Damn right I'm good. I spent some quality time figuring this out and I did it!" I know this is counterintuitive since everybody out there wants you to be humble and not ****y. The secret is to be proud of the accomplishment you got as a direct result of the effort you put in and not as a result of you being superior. This is known as the Growth Mindset.
I don't post here as much anymore as my life is more important to me than wasting time on a forum typing away for hours in an effort to portray my superiority of knowledge
Everybody who posts here thinks their situation is unique and different and they ask for specific advice regarding their situation not realizing that 90% of the time they're living in what I call a Poisonous Mindset. This mindset/pattern is poisoning their lives and they don't even know it. The patterns are always the same but the situations are seemingly unique. There's a belief that if you can learn a better technique say something different things will instantly change for the better.
For the majority of us, girl problems revolve around some very specific patterns that are universal. These are ideas that we've picked up seemingly out of nowhere. For example I used to have a HUGE problem with neediness. I was way too clingy when it came to girls and have successfully managed to screw up several potential relationships due to desperation. Desperation by the way is the advanced level of neediness, when things get just too much.
The following is an abstract from a book I'm working on so I'd appreciate any feedback.
Neediness is one of the biggest poisonous patterns because it shows itself in all situations, whether it be dating, sex, relationships or even business. On this post I will deal specifically with neediness.
Neediness is simply a need for validation from external sources. The key to neediness is the belief that external validation is the only kind that matters. Now what do I mean by external validation? External validation is simply validation that someone gives you either by agreeing with you, doing something for you or some other way.
Think of the last time when you asked a girl out and she said yes, or when you got that kiss at the end of the first date. You probably felt invigorated, giddy, and jumped up and down as if doing a victory dance. Sex for some is the ultimate validation and they end up valuing it beyond what is considered normal. Validation feels pretty good. In fact validation feels so good that you can be addicted to it.
Being addicted to validation is just like a drug addiction. When you get it, it feels pretty awesome but when you're not getting it, you can sink into the deepest of depressions. That's when you start to feel desperate like that drug addict begging for the next hit.
Understanding neediness
Looking at the definition above we can see that neediness is made up of two components. First there is the need which implies that you don't have a choice in the matter. 9 times of 10 the need is self inflicted. What I mean by this is that the need is not something that is vital to your survival like food and water, but usually something where you do have a choice. For example if you had a need for a date you can go and ask an unattractive woman out and get a date easily but you choose not to.
The second component is the belief that only validation from an external source matters. This is a well-known effect in psychology where we tend to value the opinion of a third party more than that of someone we know. For example if your mother told her friend "Dan is a good looking guy" you won't value it as much as when you overhear a girl telling her friend "Dan is so cute!" This is logical because in your mind her opinion is pure but your mom's opinion is biased.
Getting rid neediness
Now that we know what neediness is how do we get rid of it? You have to work on both components of neediness and fix each one separately. First, as we discussed, needing something implies lack of choice in the matter. To overcome this, you need to shift your mindset from one of need to one of want.
Instead of thinking how much you need something, think about how much you want it. Simply replace the thinking in your head from a need to a want thus giving yourself the choice. You want it, but you're fine if you don't get it. Do not underestimate the subtlety of this shift. Whenever you start to feel the neediness creeping in, immediately shift our thoughts from needing it to wanting it. I call this the Chooser Mindset.
Second you need to change the belief that only external validation matters. This is a little tougher since it's a normal human behavior. The key to changing it is to have your own standards that you use to value things like yourself or your accomplishments. Don't rely on other people's opinion as the only source of validation. It helps to be proud of yourself, and the things you've accomplished.
In fact it wouldn't hurt to be a little ****y either: "Damn right I'm good. I spent some quality time figuring this out and I did it!" I know this is counterintuitive since everybody out there wants you to be humble and not ****y. The secret is to be proud of the accomplishment you got as a direct result of the effort you put in and not as a result of you being superior. This is known as the Growth Mindset.
