Plain Jane (or slightly lower) looks vs Personality - can there be happiness?

[TheTraveller]

Hi there,

So this is a follow-up thread to the thread started here a year and half ago:
http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=94473

Its been a while since this thread (over a year), but I thought I'd give you an update since there as there is something new that has hashed up again from this:

So now it's July 2007, and I've been with this same girl since Sept 2005. At the time I wrote the original thread, I had some external stress from work and childhood stuff that came back to haunt me. That was dealt with through therapy and I feel great now. Yet, I decided to stick with my girlfriend. My love for her is still there, but now here is where I am today. Last August 2006 I moved away for 2 years of grad school. We both agreed to try long distance and have succeeded the past 7 months, with trips every other month to see each other.

Well, now she's here, with me for 6 weeks for her vacation while I'm in school. So when she was away I forget about her looks and my issues with her plain face and her gaining about 5-10 pounds in the past year (a lot for someone 5 feet tall).

Since she's here now, my mind says I can do better looks-wise. And I guess I've been more testy with her. We have a great time together, but the stress of this distance, where I will get a job after (hoping with her but who knows) and her plain looks is just getting to me.

What would you advise me to do? Should I get out there once she goes back to her home and in my final year here sarge and just meet other women? I don't mean to cheat, but just to see what's out there as a way to justify my logic of being bothered by her plain looks? It doesn't help that she hasn't orgasmed over these two years at all, or never. I am also immensely more confident with my looks than I was in the past.

I'm at a loss here. I was willing to give her a shot and I have thus far. To me, looks are definitely not everything and I by far prefer a great personality over looks. But there's something there, like me being embarrassed at times to introduce her to acquiantances or friends, and seeing most other girls who are more attractive and this hurts. I know I have a great girl, but how great? I think, "fine, get a better looking girl, but then will I still have these feelings of wanting better?"...

Thanks,
- T

 

[joekerr31]

haha. you sound like a woman!

'i dont' mean cheat' hahah thats EXACTLY what you mean!

what are going to do, go mix it up with the hotties and then when one of them wants to f*ck you say no? you are playing this the way a woman does (which isnt good or bad mind you), you want to see whether there are some vines to jump to before letting go of the one you have now.

come on dude, stop fooling yourself - you are about to play this as cold and calculating as any woman would.

as for your gfs plain looks. if it was good enough for you before, i dont see why its not now.

it sounds like you've bettered yourself and now want to sow some wild oats.

im not saying thats right or wrong, im just calling it like it is.

just remember, if you want to play the game cut throat (as most people do) then don't whine when one of those hotties screws you over.

my only issue in the way you are thinking is that you are place your own sense of self worth on the woman you are with. BIG MISTAKE.

i mean, personally, i dont care if i have a hb2 or an hb10 on my arm, i'm da man in my mind and i could care less what people around me think. i don't NEED an hb 10 on my arm to feel like good about myself and to feel self confident.

anyway, it sounds like there was never much of a spark with you and this girl to start with and you were only with her because you felt you didn't have options - that's never a good reason to be with someone.

so now you are in a pickle.

forget the looks issue and ask yourself how IN to your gf are you. if you could go out and bang 10 hotties and got that out of your system would you still want her back as your long term partner. if the answer is no, then you should probably break it off.

but to be honest, i dont have a lot of hope that your life will get better just because you get rid of her. the problem i think is more in your mind set of thinking that hotter women will make you happier.

im going to get a lot of flack, because i know the typical response will be to trade up if you can.

i've just seen a lot of guys 'trade up' only to realize that they got more hassles and headaches in doing so.

 

[Bible_Belt]

Quality of sex is more important to me than looks. Plus, when she's bent over you can't see her face anyway.

 

[STR8UP]

I won't say he needs to "trade up", but I know that it doesn't matter if the grass is or is NOT greener, all that matters is that he has an itch that needs to be scratched.

I let go of a couple of REALLY good women in the past. One on particular was a jewel.

Looking back I say to myself "You dumb MOTHERFUKKER! You had EVERYTHING you ever wanted in a woman LIVING with you in the same house, and you LET HER GO. She was good looking, physically your type, great in bed, wonderful personality, lots of integrity, WHAT was WRONG with you!"

Then I look at it from a logical perspective, and I realize that it didn't matter that she was a great woman. I had doubt in my mind. I wasn't ready, and I made the right move by letting her go.

 

[Latinoman]

If I was in the same situation and experienced what you had experience my approach would be NOT to hurt her...NOT to dump her...but to test the waters (as long as you don't get caught and as long as you don't hurt her).
If after doing that...you still have desire for other women and little to no desire to be with her. Then move on...but NEVER confess or break her heart.

Now...feeling concerned or embarrassed because of what others might think about her looks is indeed a very feminine trade. Work on your masculinity more.

 

[profitASAP]

If I was in the same situation and experienced what you had experience my approach would be NOT to hurt her...NOT to dump her...but to test the waters (as long as you don't get caught and as long as you don't hurt her).
If after doing that...you still have desire for other women and little to no desire to be with her. Then move on...but NEVER confess or break her heart.

Now...feeling concerned or embarrassed because of what others might think about her looks is indeed a very feminine trade. Work on your masculinity more.

Good advice on both counts....part of being a confident alpha male is knowing what you want in a woman and not basing your "standards" on the criteria of others. This is certainly true in a LTR, but even if you're just looking to date and slip her the pickle there's no reason to spend time with women based simply on how others perceive her.

There are a couple of caveats here--a woman who starts "letting herself go" before you're even in a LTR is a big danger sign. Aside from the cynical view that you'll be stuck in a LTR with a tub of lard it is symptomatic of some personality issues that will cause difficulty in said relationship. And as others have noted you have to make sure that you're not just "accepting" less than you deserve out of comfort or lack of confidence.

Seeing how this is the "mature man" forum and all, that's probably the greatest wisdom I've acquired in my 37 years on this planet. I'm not going to brag about how many chicks I've pulled because that is of minimal importance to me now. The important thing--what most of the real OG Don Juan's stress--is your growth and development as an individual. That's what a lot of the noobs and AFCs that come here never get--its not about the women. That's the answer to the riddle, the chewy center of the Tootsie Roll Pop of life: once you become a confident, in-control, focused, goal oriented alpha male you'll quit worrying about other people's concept of who and what you should want and won't give a second thought to trivia like other people's perception of what kind and how many women you should date. The "self improvement" mantra isn't a "technique" to pull chicks; its the real goal you should aspire to.

Once you "get it" and have this sort of maturity, emotional strength and life purpose no one can take it from you. You won't need to worry about LOI and "neg hits" any more. And here's the great irony--once you achieve true "alpha male" status you'll worry about women, dating, pick ups and sex less and less. And the less you consciously worry about women and sex, the more women and sex you'll have access to.

So that's what you need to ask yourself--if this female has the qualitys you find attractive and you enjoy spending time with her why would it matter what we, or anyone else, thinks of her "plain" appearance or weight? The answer to your questions lie within, my friend....step one, however, is understanding what you want and not concerning yourself with others perception of what you *should* want. If you know that you're halfway there already...

 

[WaterTiger]

You have outgrown her, and it's time to break up.

If you stay you will become more and more unhappy with her, more "testy" and miserable. This isn't fair because she had the same face 2 years ago when you fell for her. You're LOOKING for an excuse to break up and the weight gain of 5-10 pounds is bearly noticeable, I don't care HOW short she is.

If you stay, you'll just get more and more resentful and you'll say something nasty in the heat of the moment that will shatter her heart and she doesn't deserve that. Tell her that you want to "sow your wild oats", the LDR is affecting your school work or whatever.

Break up with her.

 

[decades]

end it like a man.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...I'm at a loss here. I was willing to give her a shot and I have thus far. To me, looks are definitely not everything and I by far prefer a great personality over looks. But there's something there, like me being embarrassed at times to introduce her to acquiantances or friends, and seeing most other girls who are more attractive and this hurts. I know I have a great girl, but how great? I think, "fine, get a better looking girl, but then will I still have these feelings of wanting better?"...

You'll always have a problem as long as you base your friend's depiction of you by who you date. There will always be someone who will find something negative to say. Couple that with your seeming inability to be satisfied and you're creating a situation of constant flux.

 

[TheTraveller]

You'll always have a problem as long as you base your friend's depiction of you by who you date. There will always be someone who will find something negative to say. Couple that with your seeming inability to be satisfied and you're creating a situation of constant flux.

Exactly. I'm trying to look for excuses to get rid of her. I don't truly care what my friend think. It's just seeing other girls around that all pretty much all better looking than my gf, coupled with not being able to spend much time with her, is a recipe for disaster.

This LDR will end soon, next month or two, and note to self: LDR is a no-no.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Exactly. I'm trying to look for excuses to get rid of her. I don't truly care what my friend think. It's just seeing other girls around that all pretty much all better looking than my gf, coupled with not being able to spend much time with her, is a recipe for disaster.

This LDR will end soon, next month or two, and note to self: LDR is a no-no.

Date who you want to date, that includes not settling for whomever is available. Also, LDR's work best when a relationship has already been established and has a solid foundation. Distance makes it difficult to create that foundation.

 

[TheTraveller]

Date who you want to date, that includes not settling for whomever is available. Also, LDR's work best when a relationship has already been established and has a solid foundation. Distance makes it difficult to create that foundation.

Agreed. I've gained the confidence to realize that I should not settle. Our relationship was in the same city initially for the first year, then last 10 months have been LDR (as would the next 14 months be). The first year together was definitely tumultuous. Now what I see as being unstable is hard to fix via LDR. Thanks Francisco.