Phone anxiety

[krd]

Hi. I should start by saying I'm sort of a veteran to these boards. In the beginning it really helped me some. I've always had social anxiety, but in my early to mid-twenties, after reading many of the articles, I'd gotten pretty decent at approaching girls. Back when I was a student at a community college, I'd gotten quite a few opportunities to strike up conversations and number close. However, that's about as far as I've ever been able to get. I decided to take a break from these boards for about two years, because I felt like they weren't helping with my habit of over-analyzing. Not much has changed since then, except now, I've lost some of that boldness that I used to have. This past week, I started lurking here again.

During my time away, there have been a few botched opportunities with girls that at first seemed promising. Usually, if a girl shows interest in me at all, she seems to lose it pretty quickly. And it's usually around the time I try and call to make plans. I have a lot of anxiety about making phone calls. Usually I set aside a specific time for myself to call, and my stomach will be in a knot all day until it's time to do it. And it isn't just with girls; even calling up friends makes me nervous. I try not to let it get in the way of doing it, but I do find myself stalling for several minutes before to breath deep and collect my thoughts.

Problem is, when I actually make the phone call, it becomes awkward, because I can't seem to hide my nervousness. Girls can detect it in my voice, and get turned off by it. And I think that may be where it all goes downhill.

Does anyone else have this problem with phone calls? How have you overcome it?

 

[ima str8 up pimp]

I used to have your problem in general.

What brought me to this site was just being incredibly paranoid and basically scared, let me just point out that this site hasn't helped me at all.

I changed naturally and this was quite a while ago.

It must come from within you. You master your body, so, look as best you can, and if you want a girl, well then buddy there are no magic words that you can say to reel her in... you just do it, and it gets easier the better you look.

Refer to my last thread posted for further info. on that. But I realized I had always been in control bc I look pretty good, it was only me crumbling inside, and I realized that if I want to change I just have to str8 do it.

Like I said refer to my last thread and good luck, although ya dont need it, let those insecurities out, you dont have to b perfect. If you say something stupid joke about it. Something to that extent we all have our personal quirks or we'd all be the same.

Might I add that if you have money to spend looks do take ALOT of pressure off of you. I'm not going to lie to you and say that I have massive game because I dont, I've been laid and used before just because I look good, and this girl was hott as well, so just pointing out simple logic.

Refer to my last thread for further details and do wat you do. I have AIM if ya wanna talk more.

 

[reallyfreakinlost]

Just practice, I STILL have this problem, but just try to flirt, say sexual things, I don't know anything that works

 

[Luke Skywalker]

I have the same problem you do, but I usually have reassurances as follows:

- it's more likely than not the girl will not pick up the phone, but you'll get the answering machine - possibly a 9/10 chance.

- if the girl does pick up the phone, she'll likely be busy.

That way you dont have to worry about it, because it's very unlikely you'll hear her. When calling, use a call blocker so she doesn't know it's you - and if you want, hang-up the phone on her the first time, then call her back immediately and just say your 'phone got disconnected by accident' or whatever.

No problemo.

 

[jack knife]

Well when you call somebody, be sure to have a point to your conversation and to keep it as short as possible. Don't call a chick just to talk. If you're going to ask her out, then do it in the first 30 seconds or so of talking with her. Know ahead of time where you want to go so you don't have to do any thinking on the spot.

As for the anxiety, I overcome that by doing something else in the background to keep me busy. If you just sit there looking at your phone telling yourself to call, of course you're going to be nervous. When I call someone I'm usually making food, driving (bad habit), or cleaning up something. Also this gives you the advantage, because you can use what you're doing to end the conversation ("I need to finish making my food..") However don't do something that requires too much attention--you still want to be able to focus on your conversation.

 

[Hitman10000]

Use email (not instant messaging) then if you feel you might ruin your game over the phone.

Do you notice when you call a store or a place up to get help from a customer service or whatever, you never sound nervous? It's because you know exactly what you want, and when you're calling a strange girl you might be attracted to...fear creeps up and you don't know exactly what to say. You're right, girls can tell, that's why I'm saying you should try email, it's not anti-DJ if you were wondering because the truth remains: If the girl is interested in you, she will reciprocate.

 

[GloriouslyInsane]

I think the main cause of this problem of yours is that when making phone calls you usually can prepare what to say,this is not a good thing cause it puts pressure on you thus creating this anxiety.If you have no problem interacting with girls in person then imagine just that.I don't know if it would help but when you pick the phone just dial the phone really fast and let it ring,this will keep you from overanalyzing and putting pressure on you (think of it as the 3second rule kinda).After you "dived" in the water you'll probably "swim" anyway.

 

[Spiky]

Try doing something stupid while on the phone to break your anxious state.

Ill often phone chicks while im on the toilet.

Or skateboarding so when i stack and hurt myself i can have a laugh about it.

 

[bossdog]

your so worried about what she thinks of you you can even make a phone call. You cant even just be yourself. Go buy these books.

The Four Agreements
Mastery of Love

 

[krd]

I think the main cause of this problem of yours is that when making phone calls you usually can prepare what to say,this is not a good thing cause it puts pressure on you thus creating this anxiety. If you have no problem interacting with girls in person then imagine just that.

I'm not sure; I think what makes me uncomfortable calling is that I never know if I'm disrupting them or catching them at a bad time. Without having a few key things prepared, I think I would most likely stumble over my words, or forget to say certain things that are important. I'm probably better off trying this suggestion with friends and seeing what happens, since I'm generally just as uncomfortable with calling friends as I am with girls. Especially those I haven't spoken to in a while. But friends won't be as judgmental, so it's probably the best way to practice.

And I do have problems interacting with girls in person—or not. Sometimes I may feel really confident, but it's rare. It takes me a long time to muster up the confidence. I always say the last half hour to fifteen minutes of a party or social gathering is often when I have the best time, because by then I start feeling a little more social. Unfortunately, that's when most everyone is ready to leave.

As for the anxiety, I overcome that by doing something else in the background to keep me busy.

Unfortunately, it takes a lot of concentration for me to hold a conversation that it may suffer if I'm doing something else at the same time. Plus I've never been a great multi-tasker. However, this would be another great thing to try with friends and see what happens.

You're right, girls can tell, that's why I'm saying you should try email, it's not anti-DJ if you were wondering because the truth remains: If the girl is interested in you, she will reciprocate.

Really? I always read on this site that you should always go for the phone call instead, since email might make it seem like you're too scared to talk to her for real; plus it's hard to build rapport through written messages, especially if you've only spoken to her briefly once or twice. It's funny, because the last girl I screwed up with; I initially called her, but come to find out, she preferred communicating through Myspace (not that this was the reason for the screw up). Needless to say, I was more than happy to go along with it. So I do like this suggestion.

Well when you call somebody, be sure to have a point to your conversation and to keep it as short as possible. Don't call a chick just to talk.

That's never been a problem with me. I only call to say what I need to say and that's it. The less time I have to talk on the phone, the better, I think.

Might I add that if you have money to spend looks do take ALOT of pressure off of you.

My main shortcomings appearance wise, is that I'm not very tall, (5'8), and more than a little on the skinny side. I also look a bit younger than my age (27), which may or may not be detrimental. But I don't think I'm a bad looking guy. I wear t-shirts and jeans most of the time, but I'm not opposed to dressing well when the situation calls for it. I have some button down shirts and shoes (not sneakers) that are good for casual wear. I wore them very often when I was in college (I've recently graduated), and I think they looked pretty good on me.

I really don't have any prospects in terms of girls at the moment, but I have been trying to hang out with friends more this week, which has required me to make a few more phone calls than usual. So I guess it makes for good opportunities to practice. Anyway, thanks for the suggestions.

 

[Jackman]

It just sounds like you put too much stock into every call you make as if you already know it might be your last call with that person. It seems to me you just haven't accepted the fact that no matter how often and for how long you've been screwing it up, you'll never run out of another opportunity to try again. No matter what you do. No matter how bad you were on the last call. It doesn't matter. The opportunities just keep comming so long as you keep trying. It's that simple. That's what you have to really embrace and let sink into your head.

 

[nyc123]

i know this sounds crazy but do it. i'm pretty sure it will work.
call up some random numbers. try to get the person to suggest a good movie.
sounds stupid but i think it will work

 

[hope7]

just pretend that she's masterbaiting to your voice when you call.