A lot of people on these boards seem to be afflicted with a close cousin to desperation - that is, self-defeatism.
So you went through your early dating years completely clueless as how to truly attract a girl without scaring her off. You called her the next day - three times because you got her voicemail, and left a message each time. The third one said "Hey, TEST 1-2-3, eheh, uh, just making sure this thing is working, uh, heh, I don't know if you got my other messages so I was just calling, to uh, you know, well to call so you know my number... right? well I'll give it to you again just in case. It's five-five-five, three-seven-two, thirty-four fourteen. Ok, then talk to you later I guess? Great. Alright. Uh I guess that's all. I gotta go now, so call me. Or you call me. Or, yeah... ok gotta go sorry. bye."
I know, I know, you weren't that bad (or I hope not!) but you did end up with all those girl-friends who didn't want to be your girlfriends, if you catch my drift. They seemed to be into you, calling you whenever they needed a friend, inviting you to come over to watch a movie late at night or even taking you as a date somewhere - but "just as friends." You never understood why they didn't like you - you thought you did everything right. You made friends first, and took it slow, making sure to respect her as a lady...
...but the whole time you were really just too nervous to make a move. You obssesively categorized every action of hers into whether or not she liked you. Sometimes she'd do several things in a row that had you sure she was liking you - maybe she led you by the hand through a crowded restaraunt, told somebody you would make the greatest boyfriend, or gave you some compliment and you were sure she was into you. Then your hopes where shattered when she asked you for help getting that guy she likes to notice her. Such was the story of your dating life, until...
In comes SoSuave - the place where Don Jaun's are raised from Social Infancy and then released as specially trained social soldiers armed as the first, last, and only line of defense against the wussification of the male species. Like secret agents, they live among the general population, never revealing their identities to the public. They are a special breed of man, who never takes crap from any woman anywhere. If a Don Juan says "Drop your panties" you best do it, or you are with the enemy and you will be NEXTED.
So instead you learn to throw in the towel. A girl is being flaky on you, and you know what to do. Delete her number and get on with your life. Maybe even tell her just how rude she is for not being upfront with you about whether or not she wanted more and leading you on. The same thing goes for girls that cancel dates, dodge kisses, or grab your hand as it starts to slide underneath her waistline and say "Wait... I shouldn't be doing this"
A pattern develops. You haven't been told by a girl in months "Let's just be friends", and you're feeling pretty good about yourself. 'It's working', you say to yourself with a smile. 'No more Mr. NiceGuy' is your triumphant warcry. But something's wrong. Something is very wrong.
You still aren't getting anywhere with girls. It's like you have to next all of them, except the ones that are practically throwing themselves at you already - the ones you could have always gotten, without ever coming to SoSuave - the ones you don't even want. You don't understand where you're going wrong. "I'm not needy! I'm not clingy! I'm ****y and funny, I tease and withdraw, I make friends with everyone at the club - but still, every girls flakes on me." You are not alone, my friend. Many guys on this board feel this way.
You're missing something though. You became aware of your glaring insecurities and the negative behavioral results that follow, and you feel as if you finally get it for the first time. So you stopped calling to much, doing favors you shouldn't, and spending money for no reason. In doing so, you've only fixed your behaviors and masked your insecurity - but you're still acting based on that insecurity - and this is why you fail.
Instead of calling her too much, you call her too little. You don't believe that she likes you, so you use one igsignificant phonecall as a interest check. Or maybe she accepts, and goes on the date, but she seems to be avoiding touching you. Or she doesn't want to kiss you at the end of the night. You're still spending the entire date obssessing about whether or not she's giving you IOI's and then unconsciously reacting to your perceived lack of interst. In short, if she failes to reassure you that she really likes you through plenty of ambiguous IOI's, then you figure your wasting your time and give up. She must just not have been that into you anyway. Afterall, she's an amazing girl. Why would she want to be with you?
STOP
That doesn't sound like a confident man to me! A confident man has attitudes that you don't here. For one, he does not need her to like him to validate himself. Because of this, he is completely oblivious to signs of disinterest. He sees her games as "Playing hard to get" and you might even see a sparkle in his eyes as he realizes this because he's having fun. He knows that a girl is going to be a bit reluncant sometimes. He is, however, bold and unafraid of rejection so he's willing to take that chance. The little obstacles he has to overcome are nothing compared to the green lights he's unconsciously seen - I mean, she gave him the number. Maybe even said yes to the date. He has no reason to assume that she'd do all of this because she doesn't like him.
And that's why he is so successful. He calls a girl, and she tells him "I'm too busy" and he laughs. He says "Too busy to enjoy a relaxing break? My god you're working yourself to death! We better make it sooner." She'll make her laugh, and he'll even make her want to come just be how laid back about it he is - she already told him no, but somehow he was unphased. She's no longer afraid to hurt him, and she realizes that she can tell him no and he wont put a guilt trip on her. All of a sudden she trusts him and she says yes, even though she really should have said no. She just can't, he's too... charming.
And then they go on the date. They're having a good time, and they're getting a little close. The sexual tension is sky high and she's fully aware of it, being sensitive to the emotional contexts of situations. The situation seems to be escalating towards the physical, but for whatever reason she's conflicted. Maybe she's planning on moving soon, and can't get in a relationship and she knows she'll fall for you the second you lay that kiss on her. Or maybe she still feels like she doesn't know you that well, and doesn't like get physical with guys she doesn't really like. Perhaps she's just worried about her breath. Whatever the reason, she's not quite ready for that kiss when he goes for it.
The insecure man whose on extra-high gaurd ever since getting himself into so many friends-without-benfits situations is completely crushed! His first reaction is schock, and he fumbles his words for a minute. Then he's flooded with embarassment and goes into damage recovery mode. Maybe he even gets mad that she's been leading him on, and suggests that he take her home right then. Whatever he does, the date is essentially over. Even he tries to ride it out, he's going to feel to ackward and project that feeling onto her.
Meanwhile, Mr. Confident simply took the head turn to mean that she was still debating whether or not to kiss him. He can feel the tension too, and he knows that she wouldn't be in a position to be kissed with a man she didn't really want to kiss. He knows that it's just a matter of time before she gives into to that urge that she already has, and kisses him in spite or herself. He knows that the women who really fall for a man always do it in spite of themselves. So he waits a bit, touches her a little bit, and builds even more tension. We finds a way to work himself into a session that naturally results in a kiss - and when he goes for it she is overtaken.
This is the girl that goes home and calls her friend to tell her about it, and her friend says "Oh, the guy with the goofy grin? I thought you weren't going to go out with him" and she replies "I wasn't, but I just couldn't say no! Theres just something about him"
Stop letting your fear of rejection negate all of your persistance. It's not the end of the world if it takes 3 phone calls to get her out on a date. A phone call doesn't take that long, afterall. Some would say that her not accepting a date on the first phone call means she's not interested enough. Well, she might be unsure about you still - just enough that she needs some coaxing. She's supposed to be unsure about you at this point. Any girl with a little discretion will be unsure about a guy she hardly knows. You're supposed be a little unsure about her too, remember? That's what the first date is for.
So you went through your early dating years completely clueless as how to truly attract a girl without scaring her off. You called her the next day - three times because you got her voicemail, and left a message each time. The third one said "Hey, TEST 1-2-3, eheh, uh, just making sure this thing is working, uh, heh, I don't know if you got my other messages so I was just calling, to uh, you know, well to call so you know my number... right? well I'll give it to you again just in case. It's five-five-five, three-seven-two, thirty-four fourteen. Ok, then talk to you later I guess? Great. Alright. Uh I guess that's all. I gotta go now, so call me. Or you call me. Or, yeah... ok gotta go sorry. bye."
I know, I know, you weren't that bad (or I hope not!) but you did end up with all those girl-friends who didn't want to be your girlfriends, if you catch my drift. They seemed to be into you, calling you whenever they needed a friend, inviting you to come over to watch a movie late at night or even taking you as a date somewhere - but "just as friends." You never understood why they didn't like you - you thought you did everything right. You made friends first, and took it slow, making sure to respect her as a lady...
...but the whole time you were really just too nervous to make a move. You obssesively categorized every action of hers into whether or not she liked you. Sometimes she'd do several things in a row that had you sure she was liking you - maybe she led you by the hand through a crowded restaraunt, told somebody you would make the greatest boyfriend, or gave you some compliment and you were sure she was into you. Then your hopes where shattered when she asked you for help getting that guy she likes to notice her. Such was the story of your dating life, until...
In comes SoSuave - the place where Don Jaun's are raised from Social Infancy and then released as specially trained social soldiers armed as the first, last, and only line of defense against the wussification of the male species. Like secret agents, they live among the general population, never revealing their identities to the public. They are a special breed of man, who never takes crap from any woman anywhere. If a Don Juan says "Drop your panties" you best do it, or you are with the enemy and you will be NEXTED.
So instead you learn to throw in the towel. A girl is being flaky on you, and you know what to do. Delete her number and get on with your life. Maybe even tell her just how rude she is for not being upfront with you about whether or not she wanted more and leading you on. The same thing goes for girls that cancel dates, dodge kisses, or grab your hand as it starts to slide underneath her waistline and say "Wait... I shouldn't be doing this"
A pattern develops. You haven't been told by a girl in months "Let's just be friends", and you're feeling pretty good about yourself. 'It's working', you say to yourself with a smile. 'No more Mr. NiceGuy' is your triumphant warcry. But something's wrong. Something is very wrong.
You still aren't getting anywhere with girls. It's like you have to next all of them, except the ones that are practically throwing themselves at you already - the ones you could have always gotten, without ever coming to SoSuave - the ones you don't even want. You don't understand where you're going wrong. "I'm not needy! I'm not clingy! I'm ****y and funny, I tease and withdraw, I make friends with everyone at the club - but still, every girls flakes on me." You are not alone, my friend. Many guys on this board feel this way.
You're missing something though. You became aware of your glaring insecurities and the negative behavioral results that follow, and you feel as if you finally get it for the first time. So you stopped calling to much, doing favors you shouldn't, and spending money for no reason. In doing so, you've only fixed your behaviors and masked your insecurity - but you're still acting based on that insecurity - and this is why you fail.
Instead of calling her too much, you call her too little. You don't believe that she likes you, so you use one igsignificant phonecall as a interest check. Or maybe she accepts, and goes on the date, but she seems to be avoiding touching you. Or she doesn't want to kiss you at the end of the night. You're still spending the entire date obssessing about whether or not she's giving you IOI's and then unconsciously reacting to your perceived lack of interst. In short, if she failes to reassure you that she really likes you through plenty of ambiguous IOI's, then you figure your wasting your time and give up. She must just not have been that into you anyway. Afterall, she's an amazing girl. Why would she want to be with you?
STOP
That doesn't sound like a confident man to me! A confident man has attitudes that you don't here. For one, he does not need her to like him to validate himself. Because of this, he is completely oblivious to signs of disinterest. He sees her games as "Playing hard to get" and you might even see a sparkle in his eyes as he realizes this because he's having fun. He knows that a girl is going to be a bit reluncant sometimes. He is, however, bold and unafraid of rejection so he's willing to take that chance. The little obstacles he has to overcome are nothing compared to the green lights he's unconsciously seen - I mean, she gave him the number. Maybe even said yes to the date. He has no reason to assume that she'd do all of this because she doesn't like him.
And that's why he is so successful. He calls a girl, and she tells him "I'm too busy" and he laughs. He says "Too busy to enjoy a relaxing break? My god you're working yourself to death! We better make it sooner." She'll make her laugh, and he'll even make her want to come just be how laid back about it he is - she already told him no, but somehow he was unphased. She's no longer afraid to hurt him, and she realizes that she can tell him no and he wont put a guilt trip on her. All of a sudden she trusts him and she says yes, even though she really should have said no. She just can't, he's too... charming.
And then they go on the date. They're having a good time, and they're getting a little close. The sexual tension is sky high and she's fully aware of it, being sensitive to the emotional contexts of situations. The situation seems to be escalating towards the physical, but for whatever reason she's conflicted. Maybe she's planning on moving soon, and can't get in a relationship and she knows she'll fall for you the second you lay that kiss on her. Or maybe she still feels like she doesn't know you that well, and doesn't like get physical with guys she doesn't really like. Perhaps she's just worried about her breath. Whatever the reason, she's not quite ready for that kiss when he goes for it.
The insecure man whose on extra-high gaurd ever since getting himself into so many friends-without-benfits situations is completely crushed! His first reaction is schock, and he fumbles his words for a minute. Then he's flooded with embarassment and goes into damage recovery mode. Maybe he even gets mad that she's been leading him on, and suggests that he take her home right then. Whatever he does, the date is essentially over. Even he tries to ride it out, he's going to feel to ackward and project that feeling onto her.
Meanwhile, Mr. Confident simply took the head turn to mean that she was still debating whether or not to kiss him. He can feel the tension too, and he knows that she wouldn't be in a position to be kissed with a man she didn't really want to kiss. He knows that it's just a matter of time before she gives into to that urge that she already has, and kisses him in spite or herself. He knows that the women who really fall for a man always do it in spite of themselves. So he waits a bit, touches her a little bit, and builds even more tension. We finds a way to work himself into a session that naturally results in a kiss - and when he goes for it she is overtaken.
This is the girl that goes home and calls her friend to tell her about it, and her friend says "Oh, the guy with the goofy grin? I thought you weren't going to go out with him" and she replies "I wasn't, but I just couldn't say no! Theres just something about him"
Stop letting your fear of rejection negate all of your persistance. It's not the end of the world if it takes 3 phone calls to get her out on a date. A phone call doesn't take that long, afterall. Some would say that her not accepting a date on the first phone call means she's not interested enough. Well, she might be unsure about you still - just enough that she needs some coaxing. She's supposed to be unsure about you at this point. Any girl with a little discretion will be unsure about a guy she hardly knows. You're supposed be a little unsure about her too, remember? That's what the first date is for.
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