Period of forced solitude - how to make the most of it?

[Firefly]

Hello,

I posted previously about being forced out of my main social group due to internal politics (and as a quick aside, I recently found out that the main person responsible for my removal announced four months later he was resigning - it seems his actions made him a possible threat to others, so he was "encouraged" to leave as well).

While being forced out of a group I spent so much time with is still something I struggle to deal with emotionally at times, one of the silver linings to this situation is I find myself with both a lot of extra spare time and mental energy that previously went into my social group.

So my question is how should I make the most of this? One thing I learnt through the situation is that doing things solely to meet women or make friends is counter-productive, because these types of relationships quickly dissolve as soon as you stop being involved in these activities.

So I have decided to spend the next year, focusing on trying to be a better person and doing things to improve myself, rather then for others. So far my plans include:

1. Going to the gym/becoming fitter - In the last couple of years, I have lost over 66 pounds, and am now down to my last 20 pounds or so before reaching my ideal weight. I may use the extra time in my life to fit in some cardio at the gym which I have been neglecting at the expense of resistance training. I was also thinking of taking up MMA, as it seems to be a great way of getting into shape.

2. Picking up some extra skills - Having combined work and study for the last couple of years, I have been very focused on developing my professional knowledge. I recently realised that I was lacking in other "life" skills. I am thinking of signing up for dancing and cooking clubs to pick up some non-work related skills.

3. Volunteer work. One benefit of being involved in a club committee for so many years is that I learn a lot about organising and promoting activities. I was thinking of becoming involved with a charity group, as I know that newly started charities often need to attract as much publicity as I can and that seems to be an area I can help out with.

So does anyone else have any ideas for things I can do to enhance my own value with all this time I suddenly seem to have?

 

[backbreaker]

when i started my first company i did the same thing execpt it was 2 and a half years not 1 year. just find out who YOU are. find the things you liek to do and develop real passions and hobbies. I can't tell you who you are and what you should do. no one can. read some books. develop a daily routine that will stick with you the rest of your life. don't just go to the gym, start living a heaitler lifestyle and make it a habit. pick up some books and figure out how to seriously throw a wardrobe together. time is your friend. and you will be better for it trust me. your game will go to a new level.

 

[speed dawg]

A couple of things jump out at me:

I posted previously about being forced out of my main social group due to internal politics (and as a quick aside, I recently found out that the main person responsible for my removal announced four months later he was resigning - it seems his actions made him a possible threat to others, so he was "encouraged" to leave as well).

First thing is, I think you should also try and create a life for yourself where this won't happen again. As they say in the stock market, have options. I know many people who intermix, work, play, extra-curricular, etc. I don't tend to do that. Now, it may be that I'm introverted, but I don't like to do business with pre-established friends or family. I like to keep a small inner circle of true friends/family that I can count on and know I can be myself with no acting. Sometimes in business you have to put on a happy face, so some of those relationships can be based on faked personas, to an extent. You can apply this to volunteer groups, extracurricular activities, whatever. I operate the same. I don't really like to even mention business or my personal life in my church groups I attend.

So my question is how should I make the most of this? One thing I learnt through the situation is that doing things solely to meet women or make friends is counter-productive, because these types of relationships quickly dissolve as soon as you stop being involved in these activities.

No doubt about it. My second point kind of intertwines with the first. If you join a certain group, you have to have a cause, not a secondary mission like making friends. Look at church: there are many people who join churches to make friends and get involved....this goes for different civic clubs as well like Kiwanis, Lion's Club, Rotary, Chamber of Commerce, etc. They are missing the big picture. I go to church to worship the Lord. In my golf league, I go to play golf. If you make friends doing it, that's great.....but you join different things for a true purpose.....being included is just secondary.

 

[Don Israel]

I'm currently in the same situation.

I have been forced into 'semi-exile', although I do not see it that way. Without going into uneeded specifics, i have chosen to limit my visibility with my still ongoing social group in order to focus more attention to myself for the betterment of myself and the social group i got 'semi-exiled' from.

Points to note:

1. Giving yourself more time put you more at risk to wasting time, so, whatever activities/hobbies you do, it's best to time them with whatever methods you can (stopwatch,time sheet etc.) so you can assess your goals and have a form of "overviewing", of your week and make changes if your routines must change , due to for eample an unforseen event you must attend to.

2. As previous posters mentioned on this thread, it's encouraged to find or reacquaint yourself with hobbies or activities you see fit for your future goals. These might not necessarily have to be hobbies that will benefit you financially or otherwise; sometimes, it's always important to do things you enjoy just for the sake of doing it, regardless of what levels of benefits they may bring.

3. As a DJ of course, expand your network of contacts at your own pace. Not for the hell of it, but to further promote and facilitate your goals and interests, Be it a f buddy,a date, a workout buddy (I don't care for workout buddies but I admit it can motivate some people). and alternative network expansion is always needed and especially when your lowering contact/severing contact with your former social group.

4. I found that by lowering your expectations in DJing and simultaneously setting specific mini-goals, (such as: today i just wanna talk to a chick, regardless of if I get a number) I have more success (and numbers). It heightens my overall success and saves a lot of time. Therefore, by always aiming high (Getting that "HB10" or whatever you find is your definition of a high goal) and by being unconsious to expected results, it can save time energy and make an 'exile' like the best thing that ever happened.



-

 

[Nutz]

Hello,

I posted previously about being forced out of my main social group due to internal politics (and as a quick aside, I recently found out that the main person responsible for my removal announced four months later he was resigning - it seems his actions made him a possible threat to others, so he was "encouraged" to leave as well).

While being forced out of a group I spent so much time with is still something I struggle to deal with emotionally at times, one of the silver linings to this situation is I find myself with both a lot of extra spare time and mental energy that previously went into my social group.

So my question is how should I make the most of this? One thing I learnt through the situation is that doing things solely to meet women or make friends is counter-productive, because these types of relationships quickly dissolve as soon as you stop being involved in these activities.

So I have decided to spend the next year, focusing on trying to be a better person and doing things to improve myself, rather then for others. So far my plans include:

1. Going to the gym/becoming fitter - In the last couple of years, I have lost over 66 pounds, and am now down to my last 20 pounds or so before reaching my ideal weight. I may use the extra time in my life to fit in some cardio at the gym which I have been neglecting at the expense of resistance training. I was also thinking of taking up MMA, as it seems to be a great way of getting into shape.

2. Picking up some extra skills - Having combined work and study for the last couple of years, I have been very focused on developing my professional knowledge. I recently realised that I was lacking in other "life" skills. I am thinking of signing up for dancing and cooking clubs to pick up some non-work related skills.

3. Volunteer work. One benefit of being involved in a club committee for so many years is that I learn a lot about organising and promoting activities. I was thinking of becoming involved with a charity group, as I know that newly started charities often need to attract as much publicity as I can and that seems to be an area I can help out with.

So does anyone else have any ideas for things I can do to enhance my own value with all this time I suddenly seem to have?

quoted for posterity since his post will get removed because he doesn't have his age in his profile

 

[Firefly]

quoted for posterity since his post will get removed because he doesn't have his age in his profile

Fixed. Not sure what happened as my age was visible before.

 

[backbreaker]

One of the most uunderrated things that I had to teach myself how to do from an emotional standpoint when I had my forced period.. the backbreaker that stands before you today is not the backbreaker who came to this forum 10 years ago (this week actually i believe), is to learn to be self reliant in all areas of my life.

When I first came here i had the emotions of a 16 year old suburban girl. i cried very often. i cried to girls. i whined when idid not get my way. to be blunt i was fvcking pathetic. I went out of my way to agree with everyone, and I hated confrontation. I liked being liked and did not like being not liked. even girls who did not want to date me generally liked hanging around me because i was a somewhat cute beta chump male who always paid for everything and took girls places and stuff.


All that went out the window when I started my business and cut myself off for the most part from the outside world. I had to grow up and I had to do so rather quickly. The idea of the business, was only part of it and it was a good idea. But, when we first started what we were doing we weren't mentally there yet. But in those 2 years of being alone, of working of the up's and down's, the struggles and what not, we were battle tested by the time we were 21 years old. This really was the only group of riends i had at the time, this forum and my 2 best friends. I had no other outside world at that time.

I had to learn how to deal with my **** myself. That's a pretty big deal. From thigns as big as trying to figure out how you are going to pay rent in 3 days when you have 20 dollars to your name to things as "trivial" to having every girl you look at turn away when you look at them because they don't' approve of the way you currently look. I had no shoulder to cry on, I had no outlet, all i had is me and i made it work. Eventually i learned how to deal with my **** my way and for me it works.


more than anything forcing yourself to be alone forces you to learn to accept and like yourself. Because you have no one else to do it for you. you are forced to stop looking outside for validation.