Other people's reactions to your self-improvement

[EastWind]

How did people you've known for a while react to you when you started to change and improve yourself?

I've never been comfortable with canned lines and "indirect approaches", so Pook's writings were actually spot on what I needed to hear. I've since then become a lot more assertive.

The biggest change is in the people that I've known for some time; those I know from Uni. For example, I'm working on a project with about ten more people that involves us preparing some physics demos (I'm doing a physics degree) and work them into a storyline to demonstrate it to students that are a year under us. I saw that as potential to do fun things. The group was made up of three girls and eight guys. The three girls started taking over immediately, spreading their own ideas all over the place. Which needn't be a bad thing; except for the facts that all guys save for myself and a good friend either went quiet or agreed with them on everything.

So I'm generally viewed as destructive because I'm the only one to dispense criticism in that group. I tell them what I believe needs to be changed or improved. The girls set the dates for meetings, all guys cancel classes or appointments or lunch for it. I explain to them that I want my lunch, and that I'll go get it because we're not fighting a war, and I do get it. Everyone gets pissed at me for "not being a team player" and "being an egoistical bastard" and that they had to sit through the meeting with an empty stomach, so I ask them if that elevates them above me and makes them feel better. Further drama.

A girl who's crushing on me uses the occasion to tell me I'm unreliable for not picking up the phone at 1am so she could sleep at my place after a festival we both went to; I'd told her she could because I was expecting - like every sane person would - that she would call when she GOT there (9pm) and ask when *I* wanted to leave. Of course, after she failed to call, I was already sleeping next to some other chick when she did. I simply consider it a matter of common fscking courtesy. I never mentioned anything about that evening and went about my way, she started giving me the silent treatment before blowing up today. I get up and leave because I hate drama.

These are just two examples, off the top of my head. Of course, I'm generally helpful and not destructive. I'll help friends and work for projects I signed up for whenever I can. But I sure as hell won't follow direct orders given to me by female fellow students.

A lot of people seem to react badly to me taking what I want, even if it's only my lunch. Women seem to be trying to "break me", in this example by trying to assign me even more work.

New people I meet I get along with just fine, except for the occasional feminist.

I'm curious as to what happened to you guys on here when you started changing. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid.

 

[James45]

When you increase your standards you automatically start to filter out things that no longer align with your higher, more productive belief sets.

I'm also at university. I use to hang out with guys who were fairly laid back and just drank and went out partying with litter care for their studies and personal development. they had rubbish diets, eating disgusting cheap pizzas each night and sleeping half the day.

When I got into personal development and The Game, I started to naturally filter out all the crap from my life. My new standards brought me up to a new level, where such activities and behaviors are now seen as destructive and counter-productive to my goals. So I started to slowly drift away from those guys, not partying all the time, getting wasted and eating sh.t, which would have led to a path of being overweight, poor health resulting in low energy levels and suffering in general productivity in all areas of my life.

What I've noticed is, once you raise your standards above that of your current social circle, many people within that circle, will see that as a threat. Because they no longer have that common 'connection' with you, whether it be you both drink and get wasted each night, or be submissive to external things (such as controlling girls) they will become defensive because you no longer align yourself with them, and they will almost outcast you from the group. This would be generally in the form of being pissed off at you for little things, making snide remarks or generally making mocking comments.

But the thing is, when you start to ignore it, and simply carry on with your personal development - others, your former social group will start to notice the changes even more, once they establish and accept your congruency and the man you're becoming, they will start to build up respect for you and to them, you'll become a man they admire (you're naturally demonstrating higher value over time), because you are on a journey acquiring beliefs systems and skills that are currently out of their reality - like simply having fun with an extremely attractive women in a club or bar or anywhere.

So, some people will get very defensive and threatened because they feel like they don't share commonalities with you anymore. Or they may feel like you're starting to adopt the behaviors they wish they had, and they don't like to see that because if anything they should have those first!
Like in your experience EastWind, the guys who got agitated because you wouldn't conform to their thinking and totally blow out their basic needs, such as food! hah! they were willing to sit there and accept the girls commands even if it meant they would go hungry! For fear of standing up and saying No, I want lunch first, then we'll have the meeting - which you did.


Thats my experience and analysis over the whole thing, and as I drift away from my current social circles I begin to naturally attract motivated, committed and the most fun and confident people naturally - why? because I'm becoming more and more like that.

 

[SinJester]

James45 NAILED IT!

People you know will hate you changing. They will try and bring you back down to their level. However if you remain congruent and don't change back to you old ways they will gradually accept it and respect you. If you let them bring you down you will have lost all your progress in their eyes. That's the short version; most of what I would have said has already been said.

Something I have found from experience is that if you let your friends drag you down and stop you from improving then they will eventually get ahead of you by doing the things they were criticising you for. They might give you crap for liking a hot but slightly eccentric chick so you turn her down, and a month later one of them will be going out with her. They don't mean what they say it's just what they are feeling at the time to try and come out on top. It's just human nature. Don't let anyone hold you back.

EastWind it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, to me it sounds like you came across as 'alpha'.

 

[Guybrush]

James45 NAILED IT!

People you know will hate you changing. They will try and bring you back down to their level. However if you remain congruent and don't change back to you old ways they will gradually accept it and respect you. If you let them bring you down you will have lost all your progress in their eyes. That's the short version; most of what I would have said has already been said.

Something I have found from experience is that if you let your friends drag you down and stop you from improving then they will eventually get ahead of you by doing the things they were criticising you for. They might give you crap for liking a hot but slightly eccentric chick so you turn her down, and a month later one of them will be going out with her. They don't mean what they say it's just what they are feeling at the time to try and come out on top. It's just human nature. Don't let anyone hold you back.

EastWind it doesn't sound like you did anything wrong, to me it sounds like you came across as 'alpha'.

I don't agree with this rationale. I am going through a metamorphosis and none of my friends are actually trying to take me down or bring my old self back.

True friends observe, watch and try to learn what you are doing. You become the avant-guarde and they follow you. Sometimes you follow their paths.


I disagree with the OP as well. If you are seen as an "egoistical bastard" while you are trying to assert your ideas, then you are probably doing something wrong.

There usually is a very delicate balance in small groups of people. And you can't always overtly lead the group your own way.

Don't look too self-assertive. Try to convince people that everyone needs to respect each other's wishes. Try to win them instead of pissing them off.

 

[James45]

I don't agree with this rationale. I am going through a metamorphosis and none of my friends are actually trying to take me down or bring my old self back.

True friends observe, watch and try to learn what you are doing. You become the avant-guarde and they follow you. Sometimes you follow their paths.

These are friends one should keep. My very best friends are the ones who encourage me and push me to new limits on a daily basis.

I disagree with the OP as well. If you are seen as an "egoistical bastard" while you are trying to assert your ideas, then you are probably doing something wrong.

There usually is a very delicate balance in small groups of people. And you can't always overtly lead the group your own way.

Don't look too self-assertive. Try to convince people that everyone needs to respect each other's wishes. Try to win them instead of pissing them off.

I agree to an extent. From my experience in partaking in teams, there is a substantial amount of team dynamics to be aware of. I often tend to explain my ideas and actions confidently and clearly for doing something that seem astray from group consensus, putting focus on the advantages it would bring to everyone involved. Once you've repeated this a number of times your group will paint a stereotype/image/perception over you for being considerate and holding the groups best interest at heart so you will no longer need to go into great depth in explaining your actions because you will have built their trust and confidence in you. You will be able to lead naturally.

You will occasionally 'piss off' some people due to personal problems or something, but that is part of leadership. When aiming for the greater good, you can't let that stop you.

I see this occurring many times in group work, it happens unconsciously and many great, natural leaders do this without realising.

Its great to be consciously aware of things like this