Oneitus and how to beat it

[LuisGarcia10]

Oneitus is possibly the biggest block you will ever have in attempts to achieve self improvement.

I started reading this site just over 2 years ago and it worked wonders, I got off my arse and lost weight, my confidence flew and girls were attracted to me, I didn't even have to put much work in. I wasn't "just myself" because as anyone else will know you end up making a few errors, but I wasn't someone else either, I was just a likeable, guy who dressed well, always looked clean etc and was funny, what girl wouldn't attracted? I lost a lot of weight and went to the gym, and looked a million times better for it. The days of oneitus were gone, now it was girls that had that with me and I was willing to blow girls off whenever, whoever they were.

Then, I dunno why, I guess it's in my personality, I grew un-interested, drifted away from this site, put the weight back on, drunk too much (not like an alcoholic or anything but I just took less care of myself and drunk a lot more than you should do and as a result my face got bloated and I looked half the person I was.) As a result the confidence dropped again, girls wern't really interested, and even if they were I wouldn't have known because I was so un-confident. I learnt *SOME* things from this site which thankfully I've never forgotten, like to not take **** off women and not to be treated as some emotional tampon/puppy dog etc etc, but I lost my real game and I lost the girls, I just partied way too much and don't get me wrong I loved every minute of it, nothing wrong in doing that when you're young (only 19 now) but I looked at a picture of myself recently compared with one back when I was in my prime DJ and thought "What the **** am I doing?" As a result I'm back on this site, back to looking after myself and my confidence is, very gradually growing again.

How does this relate to oneitus?

Well I met a girl a while ago, very good looking 8 minimum, a lot would say 9. She is a genuinely nice girl, we became pretty close friends but due to my own lack of confidence and to be honest, objectively I do think I was right, I just assumed from the off she wasn't interested in me. Now, regardless of how right I was, that is totally the *WRONG* attitude to have with any girl. I'm not going to repeat what others have said far better than me, but I am the prize, every girl should want to be with me and if they don't it's their problem, I should meet every girl and asume she is interested and if not it's her loss.
Anyway, as I said, she is a genuinely nice girl, she dosen't take the piss and blag money off me (other way round really to be honest, she has helped me out loads of times), and he dosen't use me as an emotional tampon, but we got really close and almost did everything together. Now there is NOTHING wrong with having girls as friends, don't let anybody tell you that there is, BUT and this is a big but, it is DANGEROUS, especially if they are attractive. Because it's so easy to become romantically involved, and no matter how often you try to convince yourself otherwise, you wish you were with her. I'd tell myself that "we wouldn't work" "there's other girls I like more" all bollocks, at the end of the day if she phoned up and suggested we get together I would have said yes in a shot. But when you're that close to someone you don't want to admit that is' just another case of oneitus. I'd see this girl every day, we'd go out round town etc together, then we'd often get food together at night, in the mornings, we'd go on nights out together, often just the two of us, and when we wern't together we'd be texting each other or msn. It's basically being in a relationship without the sex. So it almost feels like you're going out with her.
Let me make this perfectly clear, I am NOT an idiot. It wasn't me phoning her every time suggesting we go out as I say it was often the other way round, she was NOT taking the piss. But not every girl you get oneitus with is going to be a horrible ***** that bosses you around, it dosen't always work like that. Sometimes they are great people who just happen to meet you when you're not high on confidence, haven't been close with a girl in any real sense for quite a long time, and basically your lack of confidence coupled with her obvious like for you as a friend and not as a lover, makes the mind play tricks and you become infatuated.
What really woke me up was a few days ago when she said she was contemplating seeing some guy (in a romantic way), only as a date, she dosen't know the guy well or anything, but my heart started beating a million miles an hour and I was almost scared, Finally my eyes were open, whilst I wasn't the AFC idiot trying to buiy affections and follow girls round like a lap dog, I'd still become the fool who had fallen for someone, and only that person, and due to there not being any other girl who was even remotely on the same level as closeness, I developed oneitus for her. But finally, and I'm glad this happened, my heart started beating and I finally, finally thought just what I thought when I looked in the mirror and saw how much weight I'd gained, I just thought "What the **** am I doing?" Sure, she's a great girl, and the guy she's meeting is probably a great guy, sure we can still be friends but she's moving on to another guy, (if indeed she ever had to move on from me at all) and this is my queue to next her. "What I'll do is I'll go and find another girl now, to take my mind off her" is what I thought, again WRONG WRONG WRONG. What I will do is continue my self-improvement, restore what I had only a couple of years ago and become the guy I was. Sure, a sizeable amount of that self improvement involves improving my confidence with women, which obviously involves playing the field a little, but I do NOT need a woman to replace her, what I need is to focus on the most important thing ME, and forget about her. She is a great girl, honestly she is, but I am a great guy and I am going to be in a great position when I finally get back to how I was and when I reach that point I will never, ever feel that there is only one girl for me who is irreplaceable. If a girl I was interested in was after someone else my heart would not be beating a million miles an hour, I'd just think "her loss, the other guy is probably great, but not as good as me" and move on.

Basically, the vast majority of us on this site are here because we want to improve ourselves, and a big part of that self improvement is conquering the things that currently hold us back. Why won't you approach a girl? Why are you infatuated with that girl? Why do YOU not think YOU are the prize? When you find the answers to those questions and work out a way of beating them, then you are well on the way to self improvement, and it may take some time to beat those problems, but as long as you know you are going in the right driection, then any girl who was "irreplaceable" will soon seem IRRELEVANT.

 

[Jay Jay]

Are you telling me that at no time you tried to make something happen?

Let me see if I got this right? She is attractive, she calls you all the time, she is a great person and SHE HAS NOT BEEN SEEING ANY GUYS IN THIS TIME???

Dude. Sigh.

Honestly, you sound like a great guy. Seriously. You said a bunch of things in that post that shows you are way WAY beyond most guys here. You have qualities that I recognise in myself, qualities that has landed me a bag of 10s even was I was skinny broke drug ****ed fool or an overweight alcoholic (yeah I've been both...). You have qualities most guys here don't even understand and thus there are no posts about developing them.

Your lack of confidence has ****ed you up.

You sound like me a few years ago. Too much drinking, too much drugs, too many all nighters, too many comedowns. It ****s your thinking brother.

I think she's been waiting for you to do something and now she is telling you she doesn't want to wait any longer.

I suggest that you **** off 90% of the player bull**** here and

drum roll.

Break the number one commandment of wannabe players.

Tell her how you feel buddy.

Don't let her walk away without a wimper.

JJ

 

[dirtysouth]

Seriously? I think telling her how you feel is the wrong move for a number of reasons.

First of all, I think he needs to jack up her IL a bit more. Maybe instead of her telling him about a guy she's going on a date with, he should tell her about chicks he's diggin on the side?

Second, you're an alpha male. This **** shouldn't phase you. If she wants to date a lesser option, let her find out on her own what she's missing out on.

When the IL is at the right level, then you can take Jay Jay's advice and tell her how you feel. If you even have to by that point

 

[MrOneitus]

Thank you!

Luis, mate, I just wanna take this opportunity to say thank f**k im not the only guy who has gone through this torture. Your story is exactly the same as mine.

My lack of confidence and NOT clearly stating what I wanted from the outset was probably where my mistakes began.

Im still friends with this chick. We went out for a drink one day after being at university for the day when she told me about a guy she'd met and was meeting for drinks (my heart sank and I felt sick), my mood totally changed at this point and she knew....

I'd carry on this stroy, but Im getting pissed of writing about events which happened nearly 3 months ago (im still friends with this chick...)

Frustration isn't even close. I never want to feel like this again, becoming infatuated by someone but not having the feelings returned is the worst feeling ever! I understand how I have got this way, she's not even my type!!!

The positive experience I have taken from this girl is the path of self improvement, re buliding the little confidence I had prior. Im in the gym 3-5 days a week,lost lots of weight and Im making more money then I ve ever earned. Just completed an Msc and landed a great job with an international construction company. Im still friends with my oneitus, im really good friends with her housemate too. I ask her about her new guy and just grit my teeth when she talks about him...

What to do now is where Im stuck, after reading so much advice from PUA's, Ive took a long good look at myself and realised the past few months I have been an AFC, Mr Nice Guy... An absolute fool. When I used to read about these guys who have fell for women who arent returning the feeling, I used to tell my self how do these guys end up like that, it will never happen to me... Yet here I am now, wondering what I should do now.....

Should I just slowly get rid of her? stop meeting her? not invite her out when Im out with friends? Should I talk to her friend? My oneitus has become a girlfriend who I havent slept with, I ve met her parents, family members this is RIDICULOUS! I cannot begin to describe how comfortable she is around me and my friends.

Luis, getting over a Oneitus, I feel, will be one of my greatest achievements ever, I just hope it doesnt affect my future experiences with women in a negative way.

Im not going to tell my Oneitus how I feel about her, I think she is used to the idea of me being a friend, I should get used to this and move on.(Failing this stop contacting her). Even when I have progressed in my quest for self improvement, I'll still be seen in the same way by her. Leave it be I guess.... ITS HER LOSS NOT MINE!!!:kick:

How are things goin with you now????

I'll let you know my story as it unravells...

 

[CF9]

You could have saved a lot of typing & summed everything up thusly: the best way, actually, the only truly effective way, to prevent Oneitus is to have options. Pretty simple, huh?

 

[reset]

The more I read here, and study personal development in general, the more I see that the quality teachings man has come up with since he could communicate are the same damn thing, just expressed differently.

This place comes at it from a dating perspective. Something like zen or the tao comes at it from a more spiritual perspective, but it's all the same damn thing.

And I think that truth is, everything you need to be in happy in life, all the energy, resources, attitudes, you already have, just waiting to burst out. There is nothing outside of you that you need to be happy. You already have it.

We get caught up with the feeling that we aren't the "prize", and will do things to maintain that illusion. Our egos get addicted to the BS that floats around in our heads, and we believe that we are not what we could be. The time comes when we say "enough. I'm better than this" and often we start working out, diving into our passions, taking care of ourselves more, having more fun, laughing, not taking life so seriously, and all of the sudden, life just "clicks". And things aren't such a big deal anymore.

The problem is, we are still identified with the BS. Years of BS programming don't die easily. And we can make so much progress... but it's not what we're used to, it means a complete change of identity, fear of not knowing who you are anymore. That change is scary and at that point, self-sabatoging behaviors pop up, and we're right back at stage one.

Then we wise up again, and realize, yeah I actually CAN be what I know I am deep down, the MAN. There is nothing wrong with me. I don't need ANYTHING outside of myself to make me feel I've got it going on. This obviously includes, women.

Recognizing this, and embracing it, can only lead to a sense of peace with confidence as its natural consequence.

And once you're at that point, words like "one-itis", "plates" "options"
"challenge" "kino".... they lose all meaning. They are like little drops of water in comparison to the powerful ocean that is you.

Anyway.

 

[Interceptor]

CF9.
you make an excellent point.
The problem is, most guys simply DO NOT HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS.
If they did, they really wouldn't be on this site, or looking so deeply into Self development.
Most inexperienced young males confuse Love with Infatuation. And with the infrequent interaction with females, only reinfiorces the lack, quality, and quantity.

The truth is, they, like most males, have Scarcity Complex, and of course, raw unbridled sexual desire.ztogether, they make a toxic mix.
So of course, any women they meet that gets just a little close to them is fair game, and they want her.

Very, very few guys have grown up and have always snapped their fingers and have had lines of women throwing themselves at their feet.
But you make a very good point, and one that hopefully young males here will get.

Recognize your sexuality.
Don't look at women as "just friends".
Never present yourself to a woman you're attracted to as "just a friend".
Never think that she's the only female you will ever have,
Take steps to avoid a woman being the only woman you have had or will ever have.
Work on yourself always.
Look for ways you can improve always.
Look at your experiences as opportunities for growth. You're young, you've still got a lot of livin' left to do. And if you're smart, a few good women here and there. And if you're possessed with being the best you can be, a lot of good women.
Give yoursefl the support, forgiveness, and patience you give to others. You need some support, no sense in beating yourself up.
Understand that most young males believe that the very first girl they like will be "The One" forever. The truth is , you're young, too inexperienced, and there is a very, very high chance you will never see that girl ever again.
Don't be too quick to get attached to a girel when you first meet her.
Find out the difference between the INfatuation you are feeling, and True Love.Chances are you have no fvckin' clue what True Love is. But you do know what Lust is and Infatuation are.

 

[CF9]

CF9.
you make an excellent point.
The problem is, most guys simply DO NOT HAVE ANY OTHER OPTIONS.
If they did, they really wouldn't be on this site, or looking so deeply into Self development.
Most inexperienced young males confuse Love with Infatuation. And with the infrequent interaction with females, only reinfiorces the lack, quality, and quantity.

The truth is, they, like most males, have Scarcity Complex, and of course, raw unbridled sexual desire.ztogether, they make a toxic mix.
So of course, any women they meet that gets just a little close to them is fair game, and they want her.

Very, very few guys have grown up and have always snapped their fingers and have had lines of women throwing themselves at their feet.
But you make a very good point, and one that hopefully young males here will get.

Recognize your sexuality.
Don't look at women as "just friends".
Never present yourself to a woman you're attracted to as "just a friend".
Never think that she's the only female you will ever have,
Take steps to avoid a woman being the only woman you have had or will ever have.
Work on yourself always.
Look for ways you can improve always.
Look at your experiences as opportunities for growth. You're young, you've still got a lot of livin' left to do. And if you're smart, a few good women here and there. And if you're possessed with being the best you can be, a lot of good women.
Give yoursefl the support, forgiveness, and patience you give to others. You need some support, no sense in beating yourself up.
Understand that most young males believe that the very first girl they like will be "The One" forever. The truth is , you're young, too inexperienced, and there is a very, very high chance you will never see that girl ever again.
Don't be too quick to get attached to a girel when you first meet her.
Find out the difference between the INfatuation you are feeling, and True Love.Chances are you have no fvckin' clue what True Love is. But you do know what Lust is and Infatuation are.

I guess I was a bit too flippant in my post... What I truly meant (but didn't articulate well at all) is that it's not so much about currently having options. It's going about accumulating options; i.e., don't focus on only one woman, that is important. "Options" doesn't even necessarily mean other women--to say otherwise implies it is women who give men happiness. While woman CAN serve that purpose, other things in life should be the source of happiness as well. Develop other passions; improve your life--those are the types of options that are w/in your control. That was truly the point I was making....

As far as why this forum is frequented, I'd like to believe there are plenty of us who come here for reasons other than picking up women (if you see some of my other posts, the common theme is that picking up women is largely a waste of time, IMO). I've already plowed through enough women to last a lifetime. I'm more interested in other areas of self-improvement--for my sake, not for the sake of getting women.