oneitis, friendzone, delusion, remedy?

[big weezy]

with the guys who've had oneitis at 1 time or another, what was it that made you fall for such particular women?

i'm starting to think certain women have the ability to make guys fall in love with them or at least have oneitis for them whereas others dont.

i have stupid thoughts in my head that during this xmas period because she is alone and isn't working i can make progress with her even though i'm already friendzoned. i know full well that is going to just be self-torture and vanity is what is causing me to think this way and also logical convenience i.e. she is alone, wants some company, i can provide that thinking it'll change her mind if we spend more time with one another for a continuous time even tho her head and heart is for someone else who is abroad.

is this what the friendzone is like? thinking you have a shot still and the opportunity to hang out constantly 1 on 1 yet its just solidifying your position as a friend?

i seem to have this notion that each time is a trial and if i change the way i am or act a certain way that's different to how i was before it might help me 'be' that guy she has chemistry and feelings for, i kind of know which particular qualities that is now but i cant seem to shake my oneitis.

you need options. it helps you heal quicker. but the oneitis still lingers in my mind, do you guys still have this after years of not seeing them?

 

[NotAgain]

The problem is oneitis is a mind thing. You never see clearly when you have it and then it hits you in the balls and you come crashing down. My oneitis was a best friend whom we'd be kino'ing and massaging eachother from dawn to dusk. Problem was she was in a relationship back then and still is sorting herself out. I made the problem of becoming such close friends with her. As others tip here, if there is a girl you want to do, don't get close to her.

To be honest my friend, trust me, there are millions of girls out there. There is a saying that no matter what you do, there will always be someone better than you. This goes for woman too. Don't become an AFC, be a man. Otherwise howabout just going for it? Just suddenly kiss her one day or something like that. It will definately change the dynamics of the relationship and you'll be able to see if it is good or bad.

 

[perseverance]

The last girl I had oneitits for I liked around two years.

I didn't develop oneitis for her though until April this year when she became single. She had a boyfriend prior to that, so I never pursued her. The only time I chilled with her was when she discovered that her boyfriend had been unfaithful to her in Nov.2010 and she asked me out for drinks. I had no interest in getting with her then because I was seeing someone else and I knew she'd go running back to her boyfriend (she did, less than a week later).

What made me develop oneitis for her? I built her up into something she wasn't. I put her on a pedestal and then in July this year I realised that she wasn't who I thought she was and why wasn't she? Because I built her up into something she wasn't. Yeah, there was potential there for something to happen. There was that connection, that chemistry, that spark, the banter, and at one point she wanted me as much as I wanted her, but potential without any finished results is simply wasted potential. I wasn't a soppy AFC with her, but I believe she lost interest in me because I went from just treating her like any other woman to then treating her like someone who caught my attention, I lost the frame, but I gave her the boot in the summer and that was that.

I think the only way to get over oneitis is simply to treat every woman as just that a woman, the sooner you start becoming deeply infatuated with a woman and build her up into something she isn't then that's when trouble starts. When I look back on this incident I say to myself "she wasn't anything special, what the hell was I thinking?" I wasn't thinking with my head, I was thinking through my penis. You can't be successful in life with anything else other than your brain, so engage it.

As for the Friend-Zone, many guys settle for friendship in the vain hope that somewhere down the line they'll have a shot. Don't do this, it's not fair on her or you and if you watched 500 Days of Summer, you'll know what a car crash can occur when two people who start of as a friends become something more.

As for linger feelings after years, yes I guess that can happen. I haven't been in contact with this girl since July, but occasionally I still miss having her around and occasionally she is on my mind, but she is my past, I'm committed to focusing on the future. She had her shot and she skied it, her problem, not mine. She is out enjoying life, not giving a damn about me, so I'm not going to mope around over someone who isn't worth someone as good as me.

 

[big weezy]

The last girl I had oneitits for I liked around two years.

I didn't develop oneitis for her though until April this year when she became single. She had a boyfriend prior to that, so I never pursued her. The only time I chilled with her was when she discovered that her boyfriend had been unfaithful to her in Nov.2010 and she asked me out for drinks. I had no interest in getting with her then because I was seeing someone else and I knew she'd go running back to her boyfriend (she did, less than a week later).

What made me develop oneitis for her? I built her up into something she wasn't. I put her on a pedestal and then in July this year I realised that she wasn't who I thought she was and why wasn't she? Because I built her up into something she wasn't. Yeah, there was potential there for something to happen. There was that connection, that chemistry, that spark, the banter, and at one point she wanted me as much as I wanted her, but potential without any finished results is simply wasted potential. I wasn't a soppy AFC with her, but I believe she lost interest in me because I went from just treating her like any other woman to then treating her like someone who caught my attention, I lost the frame, but I gave her the boot in the summer and that was that.

I think the only way to get over oneitis is simply to treat every woman as just that a woman, the sooner you start becoming deeply infatuated with a woman and build her up into something she isn't then that's when trouble starts. When I look back on this incident I say to myself "she wasn't anything special, what the hell was I thinking?" I wasn't thinking with my head, I was thinking through my penis. You can't be successful in life with anything else other than your brain, so engage it.

As for the Friend-Zone, many guys settle for friendship in the vain hope that somewhere down the line they'll have a shot. Don't do this, it's not fair on her or you and if you watched 500 Days of Summer, you'll know what a car crash can occur when two people who start of as a friends become something more.

As for linger feelings after years, yes I guess that can happen. I haven't been in contact with this girl since July, but occasionally I still miss having her around and occasionally she is on my mind, but she is my past, I'm committed to focusing on the future. She had her shot and she skied it, her problem, not mine. She is out enjoying life, not giving a damn about me, so I'm not going to mope around over someone who isn't worth someone as good as me.

you talk about chemistry and spark, i think a lot of guys with oneitis dont even have that with their oneitis?

like with me, she flat out said there's no chemistry or spark and all i can keep thinking about is how had i did things differently on the first 3 dates when things were going good it be a different story.

it's weird, cos my natural self attracts all women, but when i get to date 2 or 3 i freeze up and am not myself cos i seem to get oneitis for each and every girl who happens to go on a date 2 or 3 with me.

i seem to have this belief that certain women who i have relationship potential with come along very rarely that i seem to latch on to this even though i may have other options at the time.

i guess i need to train my mind into thinking that these women who come into my life are just tests.

 

[perseverance]

you talk about chemistry and spark, i think a lot of guys with oneitis dont even have that with their oneitis?

I wouldn't know man.

All I know me and this girl had something there, even our co-workers commented on it, they were always saying "There's something between you two", "You two would make a fantastic couple", but it never materialised, oh well back to the drawing board.

like with me, she flat out said there's no chemistry or spark and all i can keep thinking about is how had i did things differently on the first 3 dates when things were going good it be a different story.

I never set out to like this girl, it just happened, as we got to know each other, something happened, an attraction, a fondness grew which started off as mutual, but ended up being anything but mutual.

Also, it's not good to beat yourself up - you can't force attraction. If a girl is attracted to you, you can go one of two ways you can do what I did and kill her attraction for you or you can increase it further. However, you cannot manipulate a woman's attraction levels if she has no initial attraction towards you.

it's weird, cos my natural self attracts all women, but when i get to date 2 or 3 i freeze up and am not myself cos i seem to get oneitis for each and every girl who happens to go on a date 2 or 3 with me.

You need to sort that out and learn how to channel and control your emotions/feelings. It sounds like you get infatuated very early on and this can come across as intimidating and weird to women. You need to be composed, always! Never run before you can walk.

i seem to have this belief that certain women who i have relationship potential with come along very rarely that i seem to latch on to this even though i may have other options at the time.

It happens to a lot of people (myself included), it's because deep down every man wants a woman he can call his own, he wants companionship with someone special. Men and women are not very different in this regard, however a woman must earn your feelings, you shouldn't just bestow them upon them willingly in the beginning. I'm not saying play games etc, what I am saying is that a woman must earn your trust, your respect and your admiration by impressing you. Don't make her jump through hoops for you, but don't treat her like a Princess either and always be a man.

A woman must earn the right to hold my hand, to sleep in my bed and to be associated with me, it's not a given and if she thinks it is then she's in for a shocker.

i guess i need to train my mind into thinking that these women who come into my life are just tests.

They're not tests, they're just women who are put off by your eagerness and your air of desperation, that's all they are. You can get butterflies in your stomach in regards to a woman, that's okay and that's great and it is acceptable to love and cherish a woman, what's not okay is to behave like a love sick puppy from the get-go and to allow a woman to walk all over you. When I'm on a date with a woman and it's going well, I always keep my composure, she knows I'm interested in her otherwise I wouldn't ask her out in the first place, I don't need to try and impress her and I don't need to show her what a great catch I am or that I'm interested. I just sit back, enjoy her company, keep things light hearted and if my gut instinct tells me I'm onto a winner, I'll escalate further and further. I am always prepared to walk away.

Always hope for the best, but plan for the worst - that's the only advice I can really give folks on this forum because I don't possess the wisdom of Atom Smasher or the experience of Jariel, but I have learned from my experiences with women and this website that I need to open my eyes.

Never make someone a priority when they only see you as an option - that should be enough advice to make you see oneitis in a different light. Oneitis sucks, but it will happen to most people, the most important thing is that you are able to move on from it quickly.

 

[big weezy]

The last girl I had oneitits for I liked around two years.

I didn't develop oneitis for her though until April this year when she became single. She had a boyfriend prior to that, so I never pursued her. The only time I chilled with her was when she discovered that her boyfriend had been unfaithful to her in Nov.2010 and she asked me out for drinks. I had no interest in getting with her then because I was seeing someone else and I knew she'd go running back to her boyfriend (she did, less than a week later).

What made me develop oneitis for her? I built her up into something she wasn't. I put her on a pedestal and then in July this year I realised that she wasn't who I thought she was and why wasn't she? Because I built her up into something she wasn't. Yeah, there was potential there for something to happen. There was that connection, that chemistry, that spark, the banter, and at one point she wanted me as much as I wanted her, but potential without any finished results is simply wasted potential. I wasn't a soppy AFC with her, but I believe she lost interest in me because I went from just treating her like any other woman to then treating her like someone who caught my attention, I lost the frame, but I gave her the boot in the summer and that was that.

I think the only way to get over oneitis is simply to treat every woman as just that a woman, the sooner you start becoming deeply infatuated with a woman and build her up into something she isn't then that's when trouble starts. When I look back on this incident I say to myself "she wasn't anything special, what the hell was I thinking?" I wasn't thinking with my head, I was thinking through my penis. You can't be successful in life with anything else other than your brain, so engage it.

As for the Friend-Zone, many guys settle for friendship in the vain hope that somewhere down the line they'll have a shot. Don't do this, it's not fair on her or you and if you watched 500 Days of Summer, you'll know what a car crash can occur when two people who start of as a friends become something more.

As for linger feelings after years, yes I guess that can happen. I haven't been in contact with this girl since July, but occasionally I still miss having her around and occasionally she is on my mind, but she is my past, I'm committed to focusing on the future. She had her shot and she skied it, her problem, not mine. She is out enjoying life, not giving a damn about me, so I'm not going to mope around over someone who isn't worth someone as good as me.

you say to get over the oneitis you need to treat every woman the same and not get ahead of yourself.

but getting over a specific oneitis, like in my head it's frustrating cos majority of the things i look for intelligence, loyalty, kindness etc and coupled with looks, my type of looks, body, sexual prowess you just feel like you've missed out on soemthing.

it's strange, if i had other options i wonder if i'd be thinking the same way.. i might.. i had options a couple weeks ago and it's unfortunate that when the oneitis comes crashing down you dont have a quick rebound to help you speed up the healing process.

i cant seem to get over that over this xmas period she's free to meet up now and i keep thinking how if things were different we'd be enjoying each others company over xmas.. i think i know deep down it wouldn't last but maybe it's just lonliness coupled with fact she looks like the kinda girl i'd be in a relationship with i cant accept that it's just not gona happen.

it's quite hard to take. i'm ok for a few hours then i'll take a nap wake up and be thinking about her and things should have been. i gotta stop living in the past.

if only it were easier to get more plates who didn't flake on you. i feel very desperate now.

every time we met up after she said she wasn't interested, i kept using idiotic rational logical explanations to explain why we would work. and we all know women are emotional and that is going to do nothing. i should have concentrated on being a fun guy who understands her. i think i'll be comparing all my future dates to her now which is not good either..

 

[big weezy]

is it normal to feel on trial if say your oneitis still wants to meet up and your better judgement indicates she's just keeping you around for attention?

i feel like each time i meet her i'm making slight progress and at the same time i haven't showcased my best self so i feel like i keep needing another chance.

maybe during the early courting phase where she's receptive to your advances and hasn't closed the door yet you can make more headway.

i just felt like when out with her for a drink at the bar etc im making strides but then as she mentions another guy who's not even in the country i get angry and start acting jealous. bitter even.

i need a rebound really soon. this isn't healthy. what does one do if getting other plates is so difficult?

 

[perseverance]

you say to get over the oneitis you need to treat every woman the same and not get ahead of yourself.

No, that's to prevent oneitis from occurring. How you get over oneitis is by moving on.

Having sex with other woman isn't a cure for oneitis, you can only get over someone by willingly moving on. You can use other women as a rebound, but it won't make that oneitis go away.

i'd be in a relationship with i cant accept that it's just not gona happen

You need to accept it, the sooner you accept that things just aren't going to happen, the better for you. Why torture yourself?

i feel very desperate now.

Why? Why do you seek self-validation through the eyes and touch of women? What is it about a woman that you feel you need so much? Desperation is an off-putting trait in any person and you can bet that women are picking up on this when you're dating them which is why things go off the boil.

You're follow up is just pathetic. This girl has said she isn't interested, is keeping you around for attention and an ego boost and you're still banging on about making headway? Are you for real? Just get rid of this girl, stop hanging out with her, delete her from your life and move on.

 

[window]

Here lies your answer..."i have stupid thoughts in my head that during this xmas period because she is alone and isn't working i can make progress with her even though i'm already friendzoned."

I think oneitus is generated in the mind through obsessive thinking. Once you realise that this type of thinking will only result in actions that push away the person you desire will you focus on fixing yourself instead of just having no control and chasing down that which you think will make you feel good.

 

[K2000kidd]

what do they call the illness/condition where you view anything she does and somehow apply it to yourself ie she borrows a pen and you entertain yourself with thoughts like "Hmmm she could have walked ten feet and borrowed a pen from tom, terry or brian, why did she come all the way down hall to borrow MY pen??"

 

[floydb25]

Although this was discussed on another thread, I still argue that one-itis is caused by underlying insecurities. Such as: low self-esteem, depression, fear, committment issues, etc. Otherwise, why would you seek the approval of, pine after, and accept the half-felt effort of someone who you KNOW deep down doesn't want you, isnt treating you fairly, giving you their all, etc? You obviously feel you don't deserve better than this, aren't happy with yourself, are looking for external sources to fill the voids in your life, and so forth.

It definitely is a mind thing, though. Placing them on a pedestal, making them out to be bigger than they are because you can't have them, seeing only what you want to see. This applies to the notion that they might like you, as well. Looking for that one tell-tale sign that they like you, psychoanalyzing their every move, making every hint of interest as definite interest. Very obsessive and unhealthy, like someone else said above.

The best way to snap out of it isn't to "spin plates", but to come down to reality. Think with your head, take a step back, and realize the REALITY of the situation. People analyze all the wrong things - instead of "Are they really that great? Why am I doing this? What am I getting out of this? They don't even like me that way, I'm not getting anywhere with them, They're not coming around, They're not treating me right, There's so many more options out there, Dating shouldn't be this difficult, I shouldn't get shacked up with this person", and not having the proper mindset in general - in terms of realizing that nobody is special, dating isn't a big deal, there's no need to chase someone so relentlessly - because, again, no one is special or worth it.