This is an ancient parable used to teach the central Buddhist principle that attachment leads to suffering. It offers a valuable lesson in dealing with grief, but can be adapted to address oneitis and LTR breakups.
Kisa Gotami, called the Frail One, had a young son who was the sunshine of her day. It came to pass that hardly had he grown big enough to run and play, when he died. So great was the sorrow of Kisa Gotami that she would not accept the boy's death.
Instead, she took to the streets, carrying her dead son on her hip. She went forth from house to house, knocking at each door and demanding: "Give me medicine for my son."
People saw that she was mad. They made fun of her and told her: "There is no medicine for the dead." But she acted as if she did not understand, and only went on asking.
A certain wise old man saw Kisa Gotami and understood that it was her sorrow for her dead son that had driven her out of her mind. He did not mock her, but instead told her:
"Woman, there is one who might know of medicine that can help you, the Processor of Ten Forces, he who is foremost among men and gods. Go to the monastery. Ask him about the medicine you need."
Seeing that the wise man spoke the truth, she went with her son on her hip to the monastery in which the Buddha resided. Eagerly, she approached the seat of the Buddhas where the Teacher sat. "I wish to have medicine for my son, Exalted One," she said.
Smiling serenely, the Buddha answered: "It is well that you have come here. This is what you must do. You must go to each house in the city, one by one, and from each you must seek to fetch tiny grains of mustard seed. But not just any house will do. You must only take mustard seeds from those houses in which no one has ever died."
Gotami agreed at once, and delightedly set out to re-enter the city. At the first house she knocked and asked, saying: "It is I, Gotami, sent by the Processor of the Ten Forces. You are to give me tiny grains of mustard seed. This is the medicine I must have for my son."
And when they brought her the mustard seed, she added: "Before I take the seed, tell me, is this a house in which no one has died?"
"Oh no, Gotami," they answered. "The dead from this house are beyond counting."
"Then I must go elsewhere," said Gotami. "The Exalted One was very clear on this point. I am to seek out mustard seeds only from those houses which death has not visited."
On she went from one house to the next. But always the same answer. In the entire city there was no house which death had not touched. Finally, she understood why she had been sent on this hopeless mission. She left the city, overcome with her feelings and carried her dead son to the burning-ground. There she gave him up.
Returning to the monastery, she was greeted by the softly smiling Buddha who asked her: "Good Gotami, did you fetch the tiny grains of mustard seed from the house without death, as I told you to?"
And Gotami answered: "Most honored sir, there are no houses where death is not known. All mankind is touched by death. My own dear son is dead. But I see now that whoever is born must die. Everything passes away. There is no medicine for this but acceptance of it. This acceptance is my refuge."
Being dumped by a partner is, in many ways, a lot like a bereavement. You are losing someone special to you and it can be very difficult to move on. Added to that is the feeling of failure, low self-worth, resentment, distrust and jealousy.
I arrived at this site looking for advice on winning back my ex-girlfriend. Admittedly, she has been my sole inspiration for my DJ studies. I had an extreme case of oneitis and I refused to believe it was a lost cause. I have suffered oneitis several times before and would often put my life on hold while I tried to evaluate where I went wrong and work out a solution to put it right. It has caused me severe depression, low self-esteem and even physical illness.
The reason I got into this state was because I was deceiving myself and clinging to every shred of hope I could find. People on this site kept echoing “NEXT”, but I just wasn’t willing to listen until I tried everything I possibly could. I had little scenarios in my mind of meeting my ex-, turning on my newfound DJ expertise and having her rush back into my arms. Did it ever happen? Of course not. Every time I called, emailed or messaged her to try a new approach I lost more of my dignity and drove her further away. And now I’d be too ashamed to meet up with her again.
Eventually I realised that there is only one sure way of overcoming oneitis, and that is to let go of ALL hope. It is only when you accept your loss that you can pursue happiness elsewhere (another woman, intellectual, career or creative fulfillment etc).
By retaining hope you are prolonging your misery, amplifying your desperation, losing your dignity, harming yourself and missing out on other opportunities. It all amounts to the same conclusion: that you should have given up sooner!
Kisa Gotami, called the Frail One, had a young son who was the sunshine of her day. It came to pass that hardly had he grown big enough to run and play, when he died. So great was the sorrow of Kisa Gotami that she would not accept the boy's death.
Instead, she took to the streets, carrying her dead son on her hip. She went forth from house to house, knocking at each door and demanding: "Give me medicine for my son."
People saw that she was mad. They made fun of her and told her: "There is no medicine for the dead." But she acted as if she did not understand, and only went on asking.
A certain wise old man saw Kisa Gotami and understood that it was her sorrow for her dead son that had driven her out of her mind. He did not mock her, but instead told her:
"Woman, there is one who might know of medicine that can help you, the Processor of Ten Forces, he who is foremost among men and gods. Go to the monastery. Ask him about the medicine you need."
Seeing that the wise man spoke the truth, she went with her son on her hip to the monastery in which the Buddha resided. Eagerly, she approached the seat of the Buddhas where the Teacher sat. "I wish to have medicine for my son, Exalted One," she said.
Smiling serenely, the Buddha answered: "It is well that you have come here. This is what you must do. You must go to each house in the city, one by one, and from each you must seek to fetch tiny grains of mustard seed. But not just any house will do. You must only take mustard seeds from those houses in which no one has ever died."
Gotami agreed at once, and delightedly set out to re-enter the city. At the first house she knocked and asked, saying: "It is I, Gotami, sent by the Processor of the Ten Forces. You are to give me tiny grains of mustard seed. This is the medicine I must have for my son."
And when they brought her the mustard seed, she added: "Before I take the seed, tell me, is this a house in which no one has died?"
"Oh no, Gotami," they answered. "The dead from this house are beyond counting."
"Then I must go elsewhere," said Gotami. "The Exalted One was very clear on this point. I am to seek out mustard seeds only from those houses which death has not visited."
On she went from one house to the next. But always the same answer. In the entire city there was no house which death had not touched. Finally, she understood why she had been sent on this hopeless mission. She left the city, overcome with her feelings and carried her dead son to the burning-ground. There she gave him up.
Returning to the monastery, she was greeted by the softly smiling Buddha who asked her: "Good Gotami, did you fetch the tiny grains of mustard seed from the house without death, as I told you to?"
And Gotami answered: "Most honored sir, there are no houses where death is not known. All mankind is touched by death. My own dear son is dead. But I see now that whoever is born must die. Everything passes away. There is no medicine for this but acceptance of it. This acceptance is my refuge."
Being dumped by a partner is, in many ways, a lot like a bereavement. You are losing someone special to you and it can be very difficult to move on. Added to that is the feeling of failure, low self-worth, resentment, distrust and jealousy.
I arrived at this site looking for advice on winning back my ex-girlfriend. Admittedly, she has been my sole inspiration for my DJ studies. I had an extreme case of oneitis and I refused to believe it was a lost cause. I have suffered oneitis several times before and would often put my life on hold while I tried to evaluate where I went wrong and work out a solution to put it right. It has caused me severe depression, low self-esteem and even physical illness.
The reason I got into this state was because I was deceiving myself and clinging to every shred of hope I could find. People on this site kept echoing “NEXT”, but I just wasn’t willing to listen until I tried everything I possibly could. I had little scenarios in my mind of meeting my ex-, turning on my newfound DJ expertise and having her rush back into my arms. Did it ever happen? Of course not. Every time I called, emailed or messaged her to try a new approach I lost more of my dignity and drove her further away. And now I’d be too ashamed to meet up with her again.
Eventually I realised that there is only one sure way of overcoming oneitis, and that is to let go of ALL hope. It is only when you accept your loss that you can pursue happiness elsewhere (another woman, intellectual, career or creative fulfillment etc).
By retaining hope you are prolonging your misery, amplifying your desperation, losing your dignity, harming yourself and missing out on other opportunities. It all amounts to the same conclusion: that you should have given up sooner!
