One Itis after 4 years together

[Danton1975]

Yep...4 years going strong. 500 letters exchanged, can't tell you how many hours invested in being together, phone calls, great conversation, great sex, rapport like you wouldn't believe, great girl, sweet, funny, good looking, very intelligent, kind, faithful (unlike my dumb self)...I told her to go date others, turned her away from me basically because our relationship was a dead end (yes, I have a little problem...I am ****ing married) and now it's backfired big time. I hear she has been dating already two guys on the rebound...hasn't had sex yet because she says she can't get us out of her mind and would drop anything If I changed my mind. Still...

I never thought I would cheat. Never. But we just fell in love, and it's been a ****ing sad, miserable, happy, joyous time altogether...I have told her to give me until end of October without any contact and I will either divorce my wife to be with her, or just simply dissapear from her life.

It's messed up and it alone makes the case against cheating. Don't do it guys. Not when you are married. Not ever...play the field as much as you want but when you are married...it stops there. Not worth it...Trust me you will have so much pain and guilt and it will drag you down like a thousand pound anchor. I have a dull pain that hasn't left me for a week...steady like a little knife twisted inside of me...and I thought I was impervious to all this and was above from one itis and everything. I keep reading dry books and have upped my workout to 90 minutes a day on the bike...nothing. The pain just comes and goes in waves, some days are just horribly painful. Unreal.

End of October...and how the **** I am going to master "no contact" until then is beyond me. How do you guys deal with it? What do you do? I wrote a little recipe for myself to keep my wits:

1. Don't think of her (easy right?)
2. Get absorbed in work
3. Intense workouts
4. Hang out with friends...no women

Yet...after a week I am no better off. Any of you have any ideas? No moralizing either, please. I did it and I ****ed up but now that I am too deep into this...any ideas how I can cope with it?

Anyone who has had a similar experience feel free to chime in. I know someone said "don't do your dirty laundry in public" and I haven't. None of my friends know. Nobody. But it just gets tiring not expressing it to anyone. Anyone with a similar experience...any advice?

Danton

 

[Solomon]

Danton

I'm not gonna act holier then thou, but you cheated on your wife, does she know about this trangersson? your being a selfish prick right now, seirously. Do you have any kids? or all I hear in this thread is "me, me me" you chose to cheat dawg, now you reap what you sow

What I suggest is maybe have a sit down with your wife let her know how you been feeling about the marriage, then proceed with whatever you need to do

you ain't being honest with your self, and trust I know that pain, it's called Karma biting you in the ass sir

 

[scrouds]

Wow, solomon, bad advice.

Don't throw away all that you've built with the misses for nothing. Geez. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

If you really want to be done with the mistress, just keep the no contact, rip her out of your life and keep on going on. Its hard, but you'll make it.

 

[ima str8 up pimp]

Yep...4 years going strong. 500 letters exchanged, can't tell you how many hours invested in being together, phone calls, great conversation, great sex, rapport like you wouldn't believe, great girl, sweet, funny, good looking, very intelligent, kind, faithful (unlike my dumb self)...I told her to go date others, turned her away from me basically because our relationship was a dead end (yes, I have a little problem...I am ****ing married) and now it's backfired big time. I hear she has been dating already two guys on the rebound...hasn't had sex yet because she says she can't get us out of her mind and would drop anything If I changed my mind. Still...

I never thought I would cheat. Never. But we just fell in love, and it's been a ****ing sad, miserable, happy, joyous time altogether...I have told her to give me until end of October without any contact and I will either divorce my wife to be with her, or just simply dissapear from her life.

It's messed up and it alone makes the case against cheating. Don't do it guys. Not when you are married. Not ever...play the field as much as you want but when you are married...it stops there. Not worth it...Trust me you will have so much pain and guilt and it will drag you down like a thousand pound anchor. I have a dull pain that hasn't left me for a week...steady like a little knife twisted inside of me...and I thought I was impervious to all this and was above from one itis and everything. I keep reading dry books and have upped my workout to 90 minutes a day on the bike...nothing. The pain just comes and goes in waves, some days are just horribly painful. Unreal.

End of October...and how the **** I am going to master "no contact" until then is beyond me. How do you guys deal with it? What do you do? I wrote a little recipe for myself to keep my wits:

1. Don't think of her (easy right?)
2. Get absorbed in work
3. Intense workouts
4. Hang out with friends...no women

Yet...after a week I am no better off. Any of you have any ideas? No moralizing either, please. I did it and I ****ed up but now that I am too deep into this...any ideas how I can cope with it?

Anyone who has had a similar experience feel free to chime in. I know someone said "don't do your dirty laundry in public" and I haven't. None of my friends know. Nobody. But it just gets tiring not expressing it to anyone. Anyone with a similar experience...any advice?

Danton

Well Danton I'm 20 years old but I know a situation to which you might relate to and probably benefit from albeit a personal story it's beneficial to you so here it goes:

My Grandfather (who is basically my father) had 4 baby girls at the time with my grandmother and he went out and made a baby with another woman. He was in a situation of sorts like yours. I'll be straightforward with you.. My Grandfather has very pimpish traits to his personality, that also means he's smart.. He was capable of leaving my grandmother but never did because not only did she still stay by his side without any hesitations but he knew that he promised to remain married when he got married, hence making him a true man. Someone of integrity and principles, very admirable and what women look for. I can see you leaving your wife for another girl, the thrill will end of a forbidden love and you'll be less of a man for your actions, you will, how Solo stated: "Reap what you Sow." That is ever so true. Just trying to help Friend.

 

[Desdinova]

The biggest problem is not that you cheated on your wife, but what you did with the mistress. You didn't take it as a temporary relationship that will satisfy you until you make up your mind about what you're going to do about your marriage.

Instead, you let yourself fall in love with what was supposed to be a fling. You've screwed yourself in three ways:

1) You've screwed up your emotions
2) You've screwed up your mistress's emotions
3) You've screwed up your marriage

A fling is just what it is, something fun on the side. It's NOT a full-blown relationship consisting of love and dedication.

Now you need to make a decision. You can fix your marriage, you can leave your wife, or you can just plain recover from this mistress and find a new one.

 

[Danton1975]

Thanks for the responses. You know I haven't spoken about this with anyone for 4 years so to have immediate and helpful feedback like this from commplete strangers is great.

Solomon - Thanks for the honesty and straight talk. I appreciate that.

Scrouds - Good advice in the end. I will probably keep the "no contact" until end of October as I figure out what to do

Ima str8 - Great story bro. It really made me think where my priorities should be.

Desdinova - You are very insightful...all your posts are spot on. You see it as I don't...detached...from an indifferent perspective.

Guys, I haven't made a decision and probably won't until the end of October. I know for a fact I will keep the no-contact. The bike workouts are actually starting to help me feel better. It's tough, and tougher still not to pick up the phone and call her but it's really the best for now and I know I have the willpower.

Thanks. You have no idea how much your responses helped. For the first time in weeks I am a bit calmer.

Danton

 

[Solomon]

Wow, solomon, bad advice.

Don't throw away all that you've built with the misses for nothing. Geez. Talk about shooting yourself in the foot.

If you really want to be done with the mistress, just keep the no contact, rip her out of your life and keep on going on. Its hard, but you'll make it.

scrouds, the guy cheated on his wife, you condone this?

At the end of the day, he isn't concerned about his wife from the post, he is more concerned about his mistress, what he needs to do is be honest with himself, at the end that's the only advice I'm giving him

he already threw it away(his marriage) the first time he stuck his c*ck inside another women

 

[Ridingthelightning]

I'm being completely serious here...
If you don't have any kids then I would split with your wife and then possibly even try dating the original fling on the side.
And when that doesn't work out you can try and go back to your wife.
And when she doesn't want you anymore you can try and go back to the fling.
And when that doesn't work you can get on with your life or pull the hammer down on a fully loaded revolver, aim the barrel at your corpus callosum, and pull the trigger.

And even more serious...
My signature says, "Depression is nothing more than a state of mind able to be solved through thought and action." ...I think thats what people experience when they break up after a long relationship of any sort - from a fling to LTR to marriage. You have to keep pushing through it and persisting. You had a 4 year emotionally invested fling and expect to have any positive feeling of it being over after a week?!

And the most serious...
This is a perfect reason WHY NOT TO CHEAT. If you can't be faithful then why are with someone? Seriously!
I've cheated and will not do so again and thats why I am single now. I will **** ***** that is dangled in front of me, especially if I haven't seen it or could possibly be better than what I'm getting currently. I still have growing up to do before I head down that road again.

 

[scrouds]

scrouds, the guy cheated on his wife, you condone this?

Yes.

At the end of the day, he isn't concerned about his wife from the post, he is more concerned about his mistress, what he needs to do is be honest with himself, at the end that's the only advice I'm giving him

I did not get that sentiment from your original post. To whit:

What I suggest is maybe have a sit down with your wife let her know how you been feeling about the marriage, then proceed with whatever you need to do

That sounds like direct advice with a total lose-lose scenario. You're basically disguising advice that will lead to problems in his marriage because "its the right thing to do" rather then have any real benefit to himself. Again, from the original post supporting your attitude:

all I hear in this thread is "me, me me" you chose to cheat dawg, now you reap what you sow

You almost sound like he should be putting his wife ahead of himself. Do you believe that his wife is more important then himself. Worthy of more consideration then his own wants and desires?

he already threw it away(his marriage) the first time he stuck his c*ck inside another women

A man cheating on a woman doesn't automatically end in divorce. A woman is more likely to obsess over a man who cheated on her, rather then throw it away. You can take that to the bank.

You know, aside from any moral stance, you can have your cake and eat it too. You don't have to settle for one or the other.

 

[Danton1975]

I am not concerned with my wife (for now) because nothing has changed. It's not that I don't care about her, not that I am so selfish, it's just that the only parties that are truly hurt here are myself and the other girl. My wife doesn't suspect anything. I have kept this as close to my chest as I could. Haven't told my best friends, relatives, my wife, no one. I did fall in love with the mistress (which in retrospect I probably shouldn't have) but at least I didn't go drivel the story to anyone else. Like Scrouds, I also don't think I am going to tell my wife anything. That will make it worse, especially if I decide not to walk away from the marriage. What she doesn't know cannot hurt her.

Again, I am cooling off, and have decided on October 20th to be the day whatever decision I make. I need one entire month to step back and weigh this situation because I don't want to Fu%k it up any worse than it is. The feedback from you guys is really helping.

 

[scrouds]

Hey look on the bright side,

Most guys can't make a marriage last as long as you've held on to both your marriage and your mistress. Good Job.