Once you lose Respect / Attraction - Worth it to Try and Get Back?

[Hullothere]

So met this girl about 1.5 years ago, we hit it off well and became a couple. Several months into the relationship, I made a few bad business investments that basically killed me financially. Long story short: ruined my perfect credit, in debt, and got layed off somewhere in between to boot. Needless to say it shook my confidence quite a bit and stressed me out. The gf had been amazing throughout all these times and I couldn't ask for anything more. But she did witness my lifestyle deteriorate and comments from older family members about getting my **** together. Not to mention see the stress that I was under.

Well about 3 months ago noticed a significant drop off in frequency of sex. Brought it up 2 weeks ago but really haven't seen any tangible change. Shes never in the mood or willing to initiate. I thought about the causes and narrowed it down to her losing respect/attraction to me. Can't say I blame her, I'd probably be thinking the same thing.

Well at this point in my life I'm at the starting line of getting my **** back together. This is the 4th week of my new job that pays very well. However I'm still under massive stress to dig myself out of the hole I put myself in. With that in mind and the loss of spark from the GF I decided to break up with her today. That will let me focus on myself and improving which is one of the great opportunities of being single. But I still can't help but think is a relationship that turns like that even salvageable in your opinion?

 

[Atom Smasher]

You may not want to break it off but rather DRASTICALLY become scarce. Extremely scarce.

That will cause your value to skyrocket. It will entirely flip the script on her. This must be absent of any deep discussions. This will either cause her to go away (which would have been inevitable anyway) or cause her to see you through totally new eyes.

Be a rock in front of her. Assume that virtue if you have it not. Be distant, detached and purposeful about your life. Demonstrate your resolve to create a life that is a work of art. Don't talk about it, just do it and let her see that.

Flip the script by demonstrating that she has lost value in your eyes and that she is on thin ice. Don't talk about it. Verbal discussions with women are unwin-able. You cannot hold a light beam in your hand, nor can you have a rational discussion with a woman about your relationship. It's all in the doing and demonstrating.

Again, she will respond by going away, or more praobably she will pursue you. Either way, you win big-time. Good luck.

 

[Demodulate]

I had something similar happen after some back issues and tried to talk it out after she got distant..

ended badly for me..

listen to these guys..

 

[Hullothere]

thanks for the replies.

Unfortunately I had already broken up with her before writing my original post. Shes now doing the whole begging thing saying she will change and be more intimate. Before I read your advice, I tryed explaining to her the logical fallacy in basically forcing yourself to feel a certain way.

Head is getting spun now because I really like this girl but if i'm having this problem now I feel like I will have it later.

 

[Hullothere]

Its actually kind of funny the circumstances. Aside from this, shes head over heals for me, always wants to be around me, puts me first, etc.

But on the other hand she stayed with her ex bf before me an extra year or so having no feelings for him before she broke it off with him and moved out.

 

[AW1983]

I'd say that you basically already did the quick and dirty version of the re-frame that these guys are suggesting, by just breaking up with her. She is begging for you back, that's good. Now you hold the upper hand and can start fresh with a strong foundation (if you take her back). I'd say tell her you need to "think about things" and then be real distant for at least a few days. If you take her back she'll be doing everything she can to keep you because she'll always remember what it was like to almost lose you. I've done this a few times in the past to great effect.

Just don't take her back too quick though, or she'll think your wishy-washy and it was all just a game. Give it a little time and she'll feel like she just won the lottery when you finally let her back in.

 

[Delly2000]

I think you need to have a sit down with her.

1.5 years is a long time. But being witht the wrong woman is even longer.

But I think the big question is how do you feel about her? Are you really into this girl? I am just gauging on how quickly you hit the eject button.

If this being distant thing carries on then you got to hit the eject button. its because her thoughts and outlook on the situation is making her lose interest in you. And it is just going to spiral down until she actually resents being with u. Then she just gonna dump you. Or cheat. I dunno.

I actually like your move of having a clean slate. Help you refocus. But breaking up wth the girl...i am only with that if your willing to not go back.

 

[Greasy Pig]

But breaking up wth the girl...i am only with that if your willing to not go back.

I don't agree with breaking up just to test a woman, but it's a perfectly acceptable reaction to poor behaviour. If the result of this reaction is genuine contrition shown by her actions, that is a byproduct of merely standing up for yourself and you've achieved something very positive.