On Disconnecting People

[Dryden]

You know how this thing with disconnects works.

You offer someone a chance at learning who you are by setting a limit or walking away on someone or posing someone a threat that you think is a threat to the relationship.

It might be "I don't want you to do these things" or "Please don't do that anymore, I don't like it" or "I want you to stop doing these things."

And without flinching. Those are disconnects. It seems all of life revolves around disconnects.

People respect when you disconnect other people. It seems all of life also resolves about learning HOW to do these disconnects, or acquiring the guts or the willingness to do them? I think it is more a way of knowing how to do it, then of failing in some way to do them. Then it is a process of learning.

And of trying, but I hate trying. It makes me feel such a loser at times when I fail again ;-).

How are you dealing with the challenge of getting through your fears and 'meeting your maker'? Do you insult yourself for failing? Do you insult yourself for not having the guts?

 

[sodbuster]

HOW you disconnect with a person is rarely a problem..... you WANTED them OUT. What do you care what they think about your skill level in doing it? UNLESS you are sleeping with the boss's WIFE... then maybe some tact is needed.....

No real ball's required, our fathers and grandfathers wouldn't think anything of it.... it's just WE'VE been brainwashed by society to believe we have to be nice to everyone..... back then, the village idiot KNEW he was one, because he was TOLD.... NOW, he expects us to listen and take him seriously

 

[MOTU]

I agree that setting boundaries is a demonstration of high value. Perfect example: I have a friend/neighbor that has been making bad decisions and gotten involved with a toxic woman and started using meth. He has lost his truck and his business already.

Lot's of neighbors hang out in my backyard (I have a nice pool, bar, fire pit, etc). He came over one evening and was acting odd. I took him aside and asked him if he was high. He kind of gave a sh!t eating grin. I told him that wasn't cool and he was not welcome at my house when he was using. He got kind of mad and avoided me for a month or so, even unfriended me on FB.

But my other friends who were at my house told me I did the right thing and gave me respect for it.

The using neighbor decided to try and clean up and started coming around again. I told him "Bro, you are my friend and I love you so you are welcome around as long as you are clean. But if you start using again, I don't want anything to do with that. Don't be bringing that sh!t to my house or coming over when you are using". He said ok and thanked me for being honest with him. My GF overheard this convo and has brought it up a couple of times as being the right thing to do, for both me and him.

And now our whole social circle knows that this is the indicator of whether he is back on or not - they'll say "well he didn't come around the other day when we were watching the fight in Motu's garage, so he must be using again".

You have to set boundaries and enforce them in all of your relationships. Everyone in your life will respect you for it.

 

[VladPatton]

I, myself, actually had enough of the people who don't give me any joy in knowing them. And believe me, I tried keeping things on the straight for decades with some of them, and I recently let them go without explanation, I just don't give a fvck anymore. When you call 95% of the time to say hello, and they don't even put in the effort to grab a beer with you, yeah, you tell them to fvck off, it really isn't worth it. I'm not gonna beg anyone to be my friend.

If you aren't loosing friends, you aren't growing.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I, myself, actually had enough of the people who don't give me any joy in knowing them. And believe me, I tried keeping things on the straight for decades with some of them, and I recently let them go without explanation, I just don't give a fvck anymore. When you call 95% of the time to say hello, and they don't even put in the effort to grab a beer with you, yeah, you tell them to fvck off, it really isn't worth it. I'm not gonna beg anyone to be my friend.

If you aren't loosing friends, you aren't growing.

Nice to read this man, I'm with you on this 110%. You have to put in effort to have friends, not just acting like you are trying to fit them into your schedule. I'm lucky in that I have lots of friends. Some are awesome people that are always excited to catch up. Others act like you owe them something. Well I can't really say that because even the debit collectors do call sometimes, lol. But yeah some people just take energy from your life and don't give anything back.

I recently cut some "takers" off and I am much happier now not having to wonder whats wrong with them anymore.

 

[VladPatton]

Nice to read this man, I'm with you on this 110%. You have to put in effort to have friends, not just acting like you are trying to fit them into your schedule. I'm lucky in that I have lots of friends. Some are awesome people that are always excited to catch up. Others act like you owe them something. Well I can't really say that because even the debit collectors do call sometimes, lol. But yeah some people just take energy from your life and don't give anything back.

I recently cut some "takers" off and I am much happier now not having to wonder whats wrong with them anymore.

Good for you. I can do about 20 things to keep me from getting bored, and none of them include begging someone to go out for a beer. However, it is amazing how interested in you and pursuant they are when they need something from you!

 

[ZTIME]

Good for you. I can do about 20 things to keep me from getting bored, and none of them include begging someone to go out for a beer. However, it is amazing how interested in you and pursuant they are when they need something from you!

In today's society I'm sure that a lot of us have jobs and work quite a few hours in a week. Why create another job for yourself by hanging out with people who simply produce no R.O.I.? I have a core group of 5 good friends, and an outside group of interchangeable people. (roughly 20).

And yes, when your so called friends need something, they'll scale walls, and run in front of traffic to get your help.

Choosing "quality" friends doesn't make you judgmental, It makes you a smart investor.

 

[Dryden]

I agree that calling it I don't give a **** anymore can be a good state of mind to be in. Without losing some thing that seems to have value to you, you can't really discern whether it did. Ideally you have these 'fights' more often so you can learn to see what is really true about the relationship. In other words, pose a question: do you really care? I mean does the person really care about you? Not sure how to frame it and this betrays my lack of experience in it. Tell a person off and see if he still comes back. Same applies to women of course but I find that the way that you deal with man-friends is a sure indicator on how you'll deal with women.

Currently I have this friend I pushed him away for some time now I let myself come back and he admitted to some of his ..failings but keeps doing the same ****. I keep telling him off, he's admitting to more and more.

I also walk away on people more and more. If I'm too weak to check a social situation I'll walk out and later tell the people why I walked out. Often times an apology follows.

It's one pattern I have discerned: either you are strong enough to stand up, or you walk out and be strong in that way.

 

[Desdinova]

I don't have any friend I see on a regular basis with the exception of my female orbiters. I find that most people just fade in and out of my life. I have a couple of life-long friends that I see every once in a while, but we all have our own lives. They're also noticeably absent when there's a woman in their lives. Female orbiters don't do that. If they have a man in their life, they're happy to be hanging out with a man who is more interesting than the one they currently have.

I honestly think that in this world of pvssy-whipped men and feminism, female orbiters are the way to go when it comes to having "friends".

 

[Dryden]

That's some good sh1t. I like this idea of female orbiters and being more interesting than the guy they're with.

It poses you as a non-threat while you are a big threat. I'll post another topic about cleaning up your relationships.