Older Women and their self discovery

[bluenorther]

My newest tirade is about trying to meet and date mature women-- in their forties and up. I'm 56, and I have no use for girls in their twenties or even thirties. Where I live, there are lots of hot, well-maintained grownup women, so it's not like I'm fantasizing. My last ex was a divorced executive trophy wife.

What I see these women doing, though, is dropping out of romance entirely. Their kids are grown, they've gotten divorced, and for the first time in years, they feel free. They hang with their gal-pals, buy the horse they always wanted, travel, and so on.
One of them told me straight up, if Mr Perfect came to her door today, she'd throw him out.
I've been sort of a rebound a couple of times, but then they swear off men, forever.
What kills me is, this is a path of self discovery everybody needs to take, but do it at a young age, don't wait until you're fifty!
Men know this instinctively, and we run with the ball.
Women punish us for it, saying that we need to quit doing all of it for the "relationship", and we need to settle down and be providers... for them. We have to COMMIT.
Now these women are on their own, and they're doing exactly what they punished us for doing!
Self-discovery is what makes us healthy individuals, and taking it away is why we end up getting divorced, doesn't it seem?
I don't say it happens all the time, thank God.
The healthiest relationships are ones where two people can be supportive of each other's self-discovery, and follow the same path together as happily as by themselves.
The common theme in most marriage is when people force each other off that path.
I'm at an age where commitment and being supportive are important to me, yet the women I'm meeting have rejected those entirely.

 

[scorpio1138]

you both have really good and true points.

I've witnessed this first hand recently.

 

[backbreaker]

You make the (wrong) assumption that when a woman hits a certain age, "playtime": is over and she should "snap out it" and be ready to "settle down" b ecuase that's what "people our age do"

A woman is a woman is a woman. doesn't matter if she is 22, 32, 42 or 52. You have to treat them all the same. They still have cooties.

Sounds to me like you are coming on way too strong way too early.

 

[jophil28]

Firstly, if you have no use for those younger women , send 'em my way. I'll take them, every time.

ON a more serious note, I do sympathize (and empathize) with your dilemma. I have noticed that same withdrawal by SOME older women . They seem to be content with a life of yoga, self improvement courses, hanging out with their sisters or their own children, their "career" or various and other pursuits that do not involved men, dating or sexual activity.
It is as if these women have "retired" from many of the activities of their previous existence.
However, I have found that there are stall many single women of a mature age who still want a life of fun and excitement which includes, or even centers around an intimate relationship.

Perhaps you might post some of your recent history with a few of them because it may be that you are inadvertenly acting in ways that are turning them off.

 

[jophil28]

My last ex was a divorced executive trophy wife..

Oh man, that type is always going to be trouble .
Did you notice how she was NEVER willing to contemplate a future (with you) without the guarantee of the indulgence and luxury that her ex husband provided?
THey will never go backwards in lifestyle expectations even though their chances of snaring a tall, handsome, wealthy man is zero when they are 50 plus . Their menopausal attitudes and behavior doesn't help their chances either.
However they seem to happily live in a world of hallucination about their market value.

 

[bluenorther]

When I talk about "self discovery" it's simply the time we take for our own selves, re-learning things that we enjoy and make us who we are. Men and women alike get told to do this, use the time for emotional healing blah-blah. Men do it, and come right back, but women just stay stuck in that mode.

 

[zekko]

Sounds to me like you are coming on way too strong way too early.

This is a possibility. You can't force a commitment with a young woman either.

On the other hand, I think there may be something to this idea that older women may "retire" from dating life. I don't know that many single older women frankly, so I'm not sure. I know when my father died my mom didn't want to re-enter the dating game, and never did.

Perhaps what is going on is women realize when they are older that the game is no longer in their favor. So maybe they just choose not to play.

I've always wondered why there aren't more women who get depressed when they reach old age. It seems like so much of their identity early on revolves around their youth and beauty, you would think it would be quite a jarring transition to lose it all. Dropping out and changing their focus may be one way to deal with it.

 

[backbreaker]

this has been proven to not be the case. Do you know the biggest boom in dating sites...not teenagers, not interracial couples, not people trying to cheat on people


IT'S OLD PEOPLE TRYING TO GET LAID.

or lol, this

http%3A%2F%2Fwww.suddenlysenior.com%2Fvillagessex.html&rct=j&q=senior%20citizens%20herpes&ei=Vms2TdazDInrgQfHzNnHAw&usg=AFQjCNEAkYaojE4TbXRG-eNQ7tymyTunwQ&sig2=1P5GdTqAElwTS5zj-3OgEQ&cad=rja

People are always interested in sex. Hell my grandmother's "boyfriend".. and I use that term loosley.. and my grandmother was 65, is the person who took her to the hospital when she had her her heart attack that ended up killing her last year.

However, a woman fresh out of a 10 year marriage, is alot like a 20 year old college sophomore. she likes the sex part but doesn't want to be really tied down at this point. You are going to run that woman off 10 out of 10 times talking about "growing up" and "acting your age" and stuff like that. That's the last thing she wants to do.

She might be into you, she might like you, but that does nnot mean she's ready for that type of commitment. But more times than not i fyou let her go through what she has to go through and put no pressure on her you will get her at the end of the day.

Most guys just see old=you need to settle down. it's much more complicated than that.

 

[Zarky]

OP should be dating multiple women. This will attract the "just wanna be free types" who will then, paradoxically, sense his freedom and try to get him to settle down with them.

OP, date multiple women, this will solve your problem.

 

[bluenorther]

If I could FIND multiple women I'd be seen with in public, I would. At the risk of sounding like I have self-limiting beliefs, the fact is, where I live is an isolated little city. You have to do a lot of driving to find find social outlets. That gets old, fast. It's $5 now, just to cross the bridge. It's a nice bridge.

Having heart surgery recently really knocked my finances over... I want to join the gym down the street, but I can't. Sad, huh?
The surgery itself was He11, and it devastated me emotionally and physically. I'm just starting to feel like my old self again, after 14 months. I should feel lucky to be alive, but after what I went through, I'm not so sure.

My dream job would be stocking produce at Whole Foods. The nearest one is in the next county. Lots of HBs over there, it's where I went to HS. These women have all the worst traits you can name. My chiropractor could get any woman he wants, and he won't approach them.
In my work, most of my clients are women-- married, overweight, middle-age, with teenage daughters, and not much in between. I've had one "office romance", in fifteen years! It was great while it lasted. She was the cheerleader mom-executive trophy wife.
Where I live it's a yuppie suburban commuterville, with nearly no social venues. Hot women abound, but they're the ones you see at the upscale supermarket, loading their SUVs with groceries for five, pushing strollers in the park.
Work's been slow, finances tight, and I have to limit my outings, or I'd be sarging more. Re-locating is out of the question, but I've done that in the past. If I did that today, I'd have to develop a whole new clientele, which takes time. I'll forego getting laid if it means losing my livelihood!

 

[5string]

I liked what Jophil said above about the imaginary market value that an older woman thinks she still has.

They do have thier reasons for hanging it up when it comes to men. Either their standards are too high as their value declines, they have been cheated on or otherwise jaded in one way or another. Who knows?

What I am thinking is why older men hang it up? After being on this site for awhile, here is what I think. Older MEN, just finally get to the point where they just have no need for female nonsense. They have simply had enough. Many have prepared for their senior years. They don't, and have never needed a provider. Nevertheless, lots of men have also been cheated on, used, emotionally drained or whatever.

Personally, I do not "need" a woman. I enjoy my wife, but am not dependant on her in any way when it comes right down to it. I do not mean any disrespect to her at all. Just believe that no matter what your age, you may desire a relationship, but you certainly don't need one. Just the opposite for many women imo.

 

[jophil28]

What I see these women doing, though, is dropping out of romance entirely. Their kids are grown, they've gotten divorced, and for the first time in years, they feel free. They hang with their gal-pals, buy the horse they always wanted, travel, and so on.
One of them told me straight up, if Mr Perfect came to her door today, she'd throw him out.

When I think about the mature women that I have known (and still do ) it seems that they fall roughly into four categories.

1) "I am over men". This type resigns from male female relationships and builds her primary relationships with sisters, girl friends and her cats .This type, I suspect, was never skilled at intimate relationships and is now a waste of your efforts in dating. These women are dull and lack humor. They often return to college to take a social work degree and embrace "wimmins studies".

2) "The hoarder" . She is the recipient of a generous divorce settlement which includes the matrimonial home and a big chunk of his assets. OF course she believes that she is entitled to all the loot because her marriage fell apart through no fault of her own and all the cash and property are her rightful compensation. This type holds onto her indignation, and often looks for beta males to date or become her "companion".
She will carefully 'warehouse' her own cash and leech off your's.

3) " I want a new MAN". THis type has read all the pop psych crAp on the shelves at B&N and is convinced that she is as marketable as a 25 yearold hottie just because those "go girl" books gave her a confidence boost.
These women are predatory, ridiculously picky and believe that the Sex and the City lifestyle is still available to them with the right bra and lots of makeup.
The Cougar movement emerged from this group after their male middle-aged targets avoided their advances .

4) "Take me as I am" . Some women are too lazy, too egotistical or too stupid to accept that they need to polish their act if they want to snare a good man. This type relies on their lifelong belief that their Vagini is still the golden prize and that middle aged men still lust after it.
THis type is often heard to lament the lack of "good men" .They drive good men away by playing adolescent games, being difficult or unavailable and generally "boring" the guys into retreat.
THis type has her ancient mother as her best friend and confidante.

Looking forward to your middle years fellas ?

 

[bluenorther]

Gotta agree with those categories! There's a name we have for those first types-- "Victim Chick".
The recent ex fit that description perfectly. It's funny, there's a lesbo in her little clique who used to tell my friend the old "You don't need a man" garbage. Suddenly that changed to "You need a man!"... and she meant ME.
Little did she know, we were already dating just then. When they outed us, they were all thrilled.
The Crazy Animal Lady I posted about elsewhere is another VC. I was supposed to be dating her, too, which I did. That crashed. I wonder if not having an investment portfolio for her to steal had anything to do with it...? I'm guessing it's how she got started in buying real estate, right after her divorce. She told me her long term plan is to semi-retire and move into one of her homes, with her best friend. Her friend is a sharp woman, great for an intellectual discussion, but she's a Beast. I could never get drunk enough for this woman.
Another client of mine is a VERY pretty sweet woman, former executive trophy wife. She reminds me of Barbara Eden/I Dream of Jeannie. When I met her STBX, I knew why he was dumping her: He's a genuine real man, but she's nothing but fluff. I've never met a woman who had NOTHING going for her except her looks. She'll be gorgeous when she dies, too.

An old girlfriend from way back still keeps in touch, but we're not romantic at all. She's given up on sex, since her menopause makes it too painful. I'm guessing that's pretty common. She's had ten times more partners than I have, but she's no closer to finding The One than you or I am.
She's just as tired of The Game as the rest of us are.

 

[Zarky]

Being a DJ in a small town is extremely difficult. Having lived my whole life in big cities I can't even imagine how it would be done.

 

[scrouds]

Do you seriously feel that 40somethings are hotter then 20somethings? That along with foot fetishes are some of the things I just don't understand.

 

[Die Hard]

You're 27, dude, of course you'd go for the 20something! But for a man in his 50's, it's not that weird if he finds the 40somethings more appealing than the 20somethings.

The foot fetish thing, however, I totally agree with. I don't even wanna think about the fact that women have feet...they're easily the most ugly and repulsive bodypart, yuck!! I think I might have foot-phobia or something