Oh well, just learned a lesson the hard way. Long distance does not work

[The_Reaper]

Especially when your gf is a cheating *****.

To avoid losing you guys, I'm going to keep this extremely short:

1. Lived with gf for 6 months, was great, we travelled to different parts of the world together, it was truly great

2. Flew home for 5 months to complete a college semester.

3. During this time I realised she needed more committment than I could give her.

4. I visit her again, and we plan to stay together for 2 months. My plan was to say the final goodbye after the 2 months

5. One week later, I find out she has cheated (checked her computer)

6. I leave the next day. She cries solidly for 2 days.

7. The guy she cheated with just sent me an email, trying to explain the situation - that I was too young to give her the life and stability she needs, that I need to study, blah blah. He asks me what kind of things my gf has been saying about him (sole purpose of his email). And they are now living together!

I didn't write back. Should I? I don't want this guy thinking her "won" my gf, because in fact I was about to end it. He is the epitome of AFC, and my gf is going to chew him up and spit him out. His heart will end up broken. He wants to marry this girl. He is insanely in love with her, and has been pining over her and crying over her from day one. I guess during the 5 months I was away, even an AFC with persistence will get somewhere.

For a moment, I was tempted to write - just remember, every time you kiss her lips, remember that they sucked my **** every day and swallowed my ***.

Immature? Perhaps.

 

[Dark Chivalry]

Turn around and don't look back.

 

[The_Reaper]

I simply want to email him back, then never speak to either of them again. It would give me pleasure to say what I wrote at the end of the post

 

[Dark Chivalry]

What would it accomplish?

 

[Dark Chivalry]

How old are the girl and the other guy BTW?

 

[The_Reaper]

She is 24, and he is about 30.

It would accomplish the feat of making me feel a little better.

I know what you're saying though... but his email is dripping with unearned condescension.

 

[Dark Chivalry]

He is getting married to a cheater and will be guzzling more manmilk from her lips in years to come.
He kinda sounds like some of those gay dudes who are a bit cruel so maye he'll like the idea, but I don't envy him.
This wedding is a big favour to the dating pool, good riddance.

Maybe this can make you feel better.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

If you need to, write back saying that he's a better man than you and list all of the AFC qualities that he probably has and that even though she's with him now, things could change in six months or so since she's shown that she can easily change her mind about commitments.

Now about LDRs, they seldom work if the relationship hasn't already have a solid, established foundation. There needs to be an established, emotional commitment in order to sustain the connection during the time you are apart.

 

[KontrollerX]

LMAO I'm with Francisco on this one.

As good as it would feel don't send him a directly insulting email but instead an indirect insulting one.

Basically feign concern for him being with this cheater and even compliment the guy on all his AFCness. :crackup:

 

[The_Reaper]

Haha, I lol'd at the first line.

I guess I just want some closure, some kind of satisfaction before I can move on.

Maybe just a brief, curt email saying not to contact me any more. I could send it in about a week...keep him waiting for a reply.

She is not going to marry him, unless she is extremely desperate. He is the one who wants to marry her.

When I looked at her computer and saw she was cheating, I also saw some posts she had written to her parents about the guy. It was in russian, but the gist of it is that she will get rid of him.

His heart is going to be ripped out. She uses him because he does absolutely everything in his power to make her life easier - including writing half her damn thesis for her, stuff like that. She detests weak AFCs like him.

 

[odietamo]

Another vote for let it go and don't look back.

Anyone who chooses to be the REBOUND man for a CHEATER deserves what they get. No "parting shot" can do as much damage as will be inflicted naturally over the next few months of their relationship.

Let go.

 

[The_Reaper]

If you need to, write back saying that he's a better man than you and list all of the AFC qualities that he probably has and that even though she's with him now, things could change in six months or so since she's shown that she can easily change her mind about commitments.

Now about LDRs, they seldom work if the relationship hasn't already have a solid, established foundation. There needs to be an established, emotional commitment in order to sustain the connection during the time you are apart.

I actually sort of did that, initially. Bear with me for a sec while I explain: literally 2 minutes after I saw the written evidence on her pc that she had cheated with him, he came onto instant messenger and said hello. I told him something to the extent that, if I ever see him, I will kill him.

We continued to talk, and I was very pissed, but I began to calm down a little when I saw that he was just a pawn, that he was also being played. So, after some interesting talk, I said I would email him. So I complimented him on his AFCness, but warned that he was with a deceptive, exploitative woman, etc. I told him that if a woman cheats with you, she will cheat on you. But none of this seems to have had much effect. He is crazy about her. He said he wished me well in my studies and life, and he hopes I'm doing well, etc etc. But part of me thinks he is taking the piss, eg "Let me remind you of the fact that you were not ready, in any sense, to give her what she needed".

 

[The_Reaper]

Another vote for let it go and don't look back.

Anyone who chooses to be the REBOUND man for a CHEATER deserves what they get. No "parting shot" can do as much damage as will be inflicted naturally over the next few months of their relationship.

Let go.

Yes, it will be bad. But I would like to be smug and have warned him. Something like, you seem like a really nice guy, just protect your heart, because she is going to break it.

 

[Dark Chivalry]

She uses him because he does absolutely everything in his power to make her life easier - including writing half her damn thesis for her.

She'll probably rid him after getting her degree.
If she marries him, he'll be her slave while she is cheating.

I told him something to the extent that, if I ever see him, I will kill him.

That was why he thought he had you by the nuts.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

So basically you've wasted 1 year, 1 month and 2 days of your life by having a "girlfriend" and you're 21 y.o. I'm curious, how has this affected your education so far?

There is no such thing as an LDR, because you have no relationship. An LDR simply does not meet the criteria necessary for it to be considered a relationship. There is no reciprocity of anything more than words passing over a phone line or an IM text. Understand me here – you have no relationship. You have self-assumed accountability, self-assumed liability and internalized responsibilities to be loyal to this person, to fidelity to this idealization, and dropping what everyone outside of your LDR will regularly tell you is insanity, is a personal affront and anathema to this stupid and most insidious form of ONEitis (which you have and are therefore an AFC).

LDRs are the most easily identifiable form of ONEitis and it would be laughable if it weren't so damaging to a guy's life progression and maturity. The LDR man would sacrifice years of his life in this pitiable effort to pursue his 'soulmate' across the planet or even a hundred miles away. The very thought of refuting the idea that an LDR can work is equal to denying his belief this stupid, fantasized ONEitis fueled idealization that he's swallowed for the better part of his life. It’s easy to criticize an LDR in the terms of questioning either party's earnestness and fidelity in entertaining an LDR and this is usually the tact that most people giving advice on LDRs follow. One or both parties are or will 'cheat' on the other over the course of time, its true, but LDRs are far more telling of a mentality that results in much more damaging consequences as a result of deeply conditioned self-expectations and fears.

I can't begin to list the number of otherwise intelligent and ambitious men I’ve known who've drastically altered the course of their lives to follow their ONE. Men who've changed their majors in college, who've selected or switched universities, men who've applied for jobs in states they would never have considered, accepted jobs that are sub-standard to their ambitions or qualifications, men who've renounced former religions and men who've moved across the planet all in an effort to better accommodate an idealized woman with whom they've played pseudo-boyfriend over the course of an LDR only to find that she wasn't the person they thought she was and were depressive over the gravity that their decisions played in their lives.

An LDR is akin to a LJBF, but writ large and festering in a man's life. You play surrogate boyfriend, voluntarily accepting and internalizing all of the responsibilities and accountabilities of being a woman's exclusive, monogamous partner with no expectation of reciprocating intimacy or sexuality. It is the ideal situation for a woman in the same manner a Booty Call is for a man - all sex with no expectations of monogamy or commitment. However an LDR is worse than a LJBF arrangement since it pervasively locks a man into a success or failure mentality with regards to the relationship actually being legitimate. Afterall, she's agreed to be his girlfriend (from miles away) and if he's the one to falter it's his lack of perseverance in this silly ONEitis ego-investment that dooms them. Once the LDR inevitably ends he's the one left with the self-doubt, he's the one beating himself up over wasting time, money and effort and he's the one feeling guilty whether he or she is the 'cheater'.

An LDR is like having an invisible friend with whom you're constantly considering the course of your actions with. Consider the personal, romantic, familial, educational, ambition-wise, business-wise, personally maturity and growth opportunities that you've limited yourself from or never had a chance to experience because of this invisible friend. When you finally divorce yourself from this invisible friend, will it have all been worth it? Guys cling to LDRs because they've yet to learn, in POOK's inimitable words, that Rejection is better than Regret. AFCs will nurse along an LDR for years because it seems the better option when compared with actually going out and meeting new women who are potential rejection. They think its better to stick with the 'sure thing' than risk possible rejection, but it's the long term regret that is the inevitable result of an LDR that is life damaging. Nothing reeks of desperation or verifies a lack of confidence more than a guy who self-righteously proclaims he's in an LDR. Women see you coming a mile off, because you are a guy without options. In fact the only reason a man entertains an LDR is due to a lack of options. If you had more plates spinning an LDR would never look like a good idea. And finally, I'm sure I'll see the "not in my case" defense posted here about how you actually DO see your invisible friend once every 4 or six months. To this I'll say again, what opportunities are you censoring yourself from experiencing by playing house with a woman you only see this often? Do you honestly think you're the exception to the rule? I'm sure you do.

 

[The_Reaper]

First, I am assuming that is a pre-written stock-post about the numerous negative aspects of LDRs.

(But if you wrote all that now, then I really appreciate it!)

A few points: I also "cheated" on her, twice, without guilt and with no emotional attachment. I knew the relationship was doomed, but idiotically I did not make the effort to tell her this. I am not an AFC.

My education has not suffered: nothing in my life has suffered because of her. I got straight As all year. No woman has an influence on my personal ambitions or choices. She always complained that I did not care about her. She has had zero impact on me - except for now.

I spent exactly 4 and a half months away from her. For the rest of the time (over 6 months), we lived together and saw each other every day, and had so much sex I though my **** would fall off. We travelled together, did everything together, had an adventure.

When it came time to say goodbye, I mistakenly thought I would be able to meet up with her soon, but it stretched onto 4 months and 2 weeks. During this time, she spread her legs for the AFC.

She tried to justify it, by invoking all this stuff about my emotional distance and our circumstances: I am still studying and need many more years, we are living too far apart and things would be too difficult, etc. She wants to get married, but I am nowhere near ready for that kind of committment with any girl.

Again: I should have ended it when I realised we would be in an LDR. Getting into one was never my intention.

 

[Bonhomme]

Why do people blame the other guy? The other guy was just doing what guys do, although trying to contact you was stupid, and that's the only good reason you have to be pissed off at him. It's the cheater that's to blame... at worst ... actually it's more like the circumstances that are to blame IMNSHO (see below).

Francisco and Rollo_T make good points.

A long-distance relationship is a situation in which you've had an established relationship, but one of you has to temporarily go away -- such as a soldier going off to war, work-associated travel, etc. Anything else is fantasy, just like the notion of "The One."

But I question the need for sexual exclusivity in a relationship, anyway, especially if the relationship involves frequent separation, such as one or the other traveling a lot and being gone for weeks on end frequently. In such a case, in particular, I really think it's better for the relationship not to be exclusive. But lotsa luck finding a woman who can hang with that.

 

[The_Reaper]

Why do people blame the other guy? The other guy was just doing what guys do, although trying to contact you was stupid, and that's the only good reason you have to be pissed off at him. It's the cheater that's to blame... at worst ... actually it's more like the circumstances that are to blame IMNSHO (see below).

Francisco and Rollo_T make good points.

A long-distance relationship is a situation in which you've had an established relationship, but one of you has to temporarily go away -- such as a soldier going off to war, work-associated travel, etc. Anything else is fantasy, just like the notion of "The One."

But I question the need for sexual exclusivity in a relationship, anyway, especially if the relationship involves frequent separation, such as one or the other traveling a lot and being gone for weeks on end frequently. In such a case, in particular, I really think it's better for the relationship not to be exclusive. But lotsa luck finding a woman who can hang with that.

I was following you right up until the end.

Well it would be fine if the woman remained sexually exclusive. Would it be ok with you if your woman was letting other men put their penis inside her while you were away?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

I actually sort of did that, initially. Bear with me for a sec while I explain: literally 2 minutes after I saw the written evidence on her pc that she had cheated with him, he came onto instant messenger and said hello. I told him something to the extent that, if I ever see him, I will kill him.

We continued to talk, and I was very pissed, but I began to calm down a little when I saw that he was just a pawn, that he was also being played. So, after some interesting talk, I said I would email him. So I complimented him on his AFCness, but warned that he was with a deceptive, exploitative woman, etc. I told him that if a woman cheats with you, she will cheat on you. But none of this seems to have had much effect. He is crazy about her. He said he wished me well in my studies and life, and he hopes I'm doing well, etc etc. But part of me thinks he is taking the piss, eg "Let me remind you of the fact that you were not ready, in any sense, to give her what she needed".

Whoa, "kill him?" Ooooo, he could probably tell that he got his dig into you. Consider this, he didn't do anything to you directly, the woman did. She didn't have to go through with it. Just something to consider.

But yep, he sounds like one of those "nice guys" who was lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time to take advantage of a situation, and your ex allowed him to do it. He was there to fill an immediate need that she had. Who's to say that she'll stick around after getting that immediate need filled? Only her actions will tell.

One thing though, a person who cheats in a relationship doesn't necessarily have the predisposition to cheat again. They're similar to people who cheat on a diet, cheat at sports or cheat on their taxes. There is an immediate need that they have to fulfill.

Now, if the underlying deep-seated need is fulfilled, the craving that they have to cheat will be greatly reduced, possibly eliminated. The key is finding that underlying need and taking care of it. In a relationship the need is to fortify that foundation. In a new relationship distance inhibits that fortification.

 

[Bonhomme]

Would it be ok with you if your woman was letting other men put their penis inside her while you were away?

Yes, of course.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. As long as it's done with proper precautions against biohazards.