Nutty Girl Pops Back Up -- How To Respond?

[Alonso]

Some background (possibly a bit too much?):

Met this girl 2.5 yrs. ago in a business setting.

Then ran into her at a social function and we started talking. Gave her my card. (Later found out she hadn't given me her no. b/c she was at the shindig with her then-boyfriend).

Didn't expect much, but a few weeks later she e-mails me, very friendly, suggests getting a drink. We do, things go well, we end up going to dinner as well, at the end of the evening we make out a bit on the street. Nice.

Next morning, she e-mails me that while she had a good time, she is still "working things out with her former (?) boyfried, so I don't think I should hang out with you at this point." Being a bit too nice, I e-mailed back something to the effect of "too bad, I understand, take care."

So . . . a few months later she e-mails back; she's sorted things out with the ex, and would like to get together, if I would. Okay, I bite, we go out a few times, smooch a bit. There's some weird signals (she got really irate one time that I hadn't told her I'd be gone for the weekend, saying she deserved at least the courtesy of knowing we wouldn't be going out; then there was a lot of talk about her family troubles, feud with her mom, etc.).

Still, we keep going out. One night I'm about to put her in a cab back home, but she keeps wanting to walk around. Finally it dawns on me she wants to spend the night. Okay, that ends up happening. Then -- we correspond over the next few days, and she eventually comes back with an e-mail casually noting that she had just gotten back from going apple-picking with her ex-boyfriend. WTF? The next day, she lays it out a little more directly -- she is "trying to work things out with" her ex.

Okay -- I think I again was too nice in my response. "Good luck." And . . . yet again . . . a couple months later, she e-mails me that she has now resolved all the issues and put the ex-bf behind her, and would really like to go out with me now that she is unattached. Yeah, I fell for it. We go to dinner, and once again (though she doesn't come out and say it), she wants to go home with me (even had a change of clothes in her bag). But . . . as we're lying in bed, she starts crying, criticizing the ex-bf, but saying she loved him, deosn't know what to do, etc. Again, I'm nice, sympathetic; tell her she has to do what feels right. I drop her off, tell her to call me, she agrees and . . . . nothing. I e-mail her about six mos. later to wish her happy holidays, she e-mails back, thanks me, updates me on a few things in her life (though not the bf situation) -- and nothing further, for another 10 mos.

As I sort of expected, she e-mails me the other day, out of the blue. "Although it's been awhile, I have wanted to keep in touch with you [chats for awhile about family/work] . . . I've missed our communications . . . looking forward to hearing back from you."

Okay, I don't need you to tell me she's off-kilter, or that she was using me to somehow punish the ex-bf, or to try and wean herself from him by hooking up with someone else, or that I was way too tolerant of the nutty behavior (when she'd pop back up and claim that she'd finally worked out the issues, I would never press her on it, or tell her that I was hacked off at the on again/off again behavior). Truth be told, though her conduct was pretty bizarre, I had figured out pretty early on that she was weird, and my reaction was more to shrug at her oddness than to get mad/heartbroken (probably a good thing that we never went out for long enough for any serious attachment to form).

And yes, getting involved with her in any way again promises to be bad news.

However -- let's assume that I do decide to take her up on her latest overture. Inadvisable, yes, but assume that I do think there's some potential for short-term enjoyment -- she does have a lot going for her intellectually, lookswise, etc., and our dates were always fun.

So -- how do I respond (she e-mailed about 4 days ago, and I certainly wasn't going to e-mail right back)? And, her e-mail was ambiguous enough that it could mean anything from "let's hook up right now" to "oh, by the way, I'm married to this dude, but I think you and I could still be friends by e-mail."

How do I control the situation, avoid being manipulated, keep her interest level up, and in short, make sure that any involvement is more on my terms, and more to my benefit, than hers? What's the proper initial response to her e-mail, and (if I do eventually ask her out), the proper tone, timing, and overall strategy for interacting with her? How direct should I be about the fact that I don't have much interest in just being e-mail buddies, but that if we do go out, I also don't want her flaking out again, etc. -- without being so harsh as to drive her off altogether?

Thks. for any suggestions.

 

[drZaius09]

If you're asking how to communicate with this woman in a way which will circumvent her attention wh0re behavior, forget it. You can't. Don't even TRY to confront her on her actions, nothing you say is going to make any goddamn difference. So either write her back or don't. I wouldn't, but I can already tell that you will. If you're lucky you'll get a cheap piece of ass out of the deal for being her emotional tampon for the night. But unless you cut her off completely, she will continue to mind-f*ck you until the coming of the apocalypse. She will always be this way; there is no magic spell you can cast on her to change it.

 

[violator]

Dr. Zaius is absolutely correct.

This chick has been stringing you along for a long time, and apparently your instincts are telling you the same. She only wants your attention and the sensitivity that her BF/Husband is not giving her. In other words, rest assured that her BF/Husband is fycking her like a jack hammer and giving her great orgasms, but not giving her the deep emotional sensitivity and self esteem that many women crave.

You apparently fill that void and that is why she is going all out to maintain contact/communications with you. A while back, I forgot who, but someone posted a thread titled the 85% rule or something to that effect. Basically what he was saying is that in many relationships, the man gives only 85% of what a woman is looking for (sex for the most part) and often the other 15% (attention, ego boosting, etc.) is provided by clueless AFC's.

I know this because I have been a victim of this type of behavior and thanks to this site, I have been able to recognize it early on and cut off women like these.

You should likewise cut off contact immediately unless you want to continue with the charade and are comfortable in being her emotional tampon.

 

[TesuqueRed]

Originally posted by Alonso
How do I control the situation,...

She's controlled it all to date and will control it again if you respond. Your only control is to not respond, or just send a nice, breezy, short blow-off e-mail saying something like "nice to hear from you, how is everything, keep me updated." It's in the vein of a "let's do lunch" blow-off line--no one means it, no one takes it seriously. She'll get the hint.

...avoid being manipulated,...

A favorite phrase I picked up along the way: "the only thing manipulative people understand is you walking away."

...keep her interest level up,...

What IL? You are useful to her. You allow her to feel like she can get any guy she wants, especially when things are bad with the ex and she doesn't want to feel like a can't-get-a-date loser.

But I don't think there's any IL going here, as such. You're useful.

...and in short, make sure that any involvement is more on my terms, and more to my benefit, than hers?

If you want some tail, you already know how to get it from her. And she knows how to get what she wants from you. Wratchet down your expectations from her to a piece of tail for a night--at the cost of a dinner and an evening spent with her and the obligatory listening to her problems.

 

[Alonso]

Originally posted by drZaius09
If you're asking how to communicate with this woman in a way which will circumvent her attention wh0re behavior, forget it. You can't. Don't even TRY to confront her on her actions, nothing you say is going to make any goddamn difference. So either write her back or don't. I wouldn't, but I can already tell that you will. If you're lucky you'll get a cheap piece of ass out of the deal for being her emotional tampon for the night. But unless you cut her off completely, she will continue to mind-f*ck you until the coming of the apocalypse. She will always be this way; there is no magic spell you can cast on her to change it.

drZ, I appreciate your (and the other) comments, and basically, think they're correct. I don't have any real illusions about this girl's long-term potential, or the possibility of curing her insanity in any way. I long ago discounted any future with her as my soulmate (much as I liked her at first). As someone much smarter than me said to me, long ago, the one you want to be with is the nice one, and this girl is way too selfish to be nice, over the long haul, ever.

So . . . stipulating all that -- if I do follow up with her (recognizing it can only be short term) -- what is the specific way to go? I don't want to put it as bluntly as "how can I use her before she uses me?," but there's probably an element of that to it. I guess the more elegant way of putting it is . . . "Given that we have no long-term future, how can I respond and carry through with her so as to produce a short-term future that maximizes the fun parts (for both of us, but esp. for me) and minimizes the un-fun (i.e., crazy and tortured and chaste) parts?"