Now I need help cooling things down

[Jariel]

Ok, so I started to get this DJ mindset figured, women have been coming from all directions so I decided to play the field a bit and keep my options open.

Two months on and now I am seeing 7 different women. They all started out casual, yet some of them are starting to get a little too keen and if I don't see them for a week they're calling, texting or emailing me to find out why or asking if I still like them.

One is getting quite uptight and has accused me of leading her on and messing her around. Another is getting posessive and keeps checking up on me. Another was in a LTR and I used this as an excuse to call it off...then two days later she emailed me to say she has ended it with him!

The others seem cool with the casual thing, but it's not really what I want. Having lots of women isn't all it's made out to be. I just want one fulfilling relationship, yet I don't want to burn any bridges just yet in case one falls through.

However, 7 women is excessive and I need my alone time and see my friends. Plus there's now an 8th woman I've met, she's very keen and everything I look for in an LTR. (and I'm still meeting women I like and taking numbers)

I'm not a player and I'm not sleeping with all these women (I'm putting it off in some cases), but I'm taking numbers and making dates only because I don't want to let opportunities pass me by. Now I'm in over my head and can't deal with it.

I'm going to drop some of them and cool things with the others so I see them just once every few weeks. I do have a conscience though, I hate deceiving people and these women have all been straight with me (except one AW who I'm giving the cold shoulder). Basically I need advice on how to cool things off without hurting anyone.

This might seem like a positive dilemma, but I'm not gaining much fulfillment from it. I have no real ego these days so I don't even get a kick from the attention and flattery. The instant I get chance to pursue a LTR I will take it.

 

[flexion_]

Whats your question?

 

[CLOONEY]

Definately excessive. Get rid of a few of them, just keep the 1-2 or 3 you possibly see yourself having a LTR with. No point wasting your and their time on the ones that you dont see as future material.

 

[CLOONEY]

Oh as for how to cool it off, tell them you are vey busy to the ones you are keeping around. Tell the others you are getting back with an ex or are now seeing someone else seriously. (they always seem to accept these answers).

 

[Jariel]

Flexion: I just want to know how to cool things off get back on a casual level with some of these women without upsetting them. I'm terrible at rejecting women as I've not done it much (I'm usually the one being dumped).

Clooney: I will do just that and I like the getting back with an ex- excuse as it's less likely to be taken personally. Thanks for the advice!


What this has made me realise is that I'm restricted more by hurting women than the fear of being rejected and (until now) I've never taken any chances with women unless I have feelings or I see a future from the get go. This is a subject that I haven't seen covered much on these forums.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Originally posted by CLOONEY
Definately excessive. Get rid of a few of them, just keep the 1-2 or 3 you possibly see yourself having a LTR with. No point wasting your and their time on the ones that you dont see as future material.

Yes I agree. How can you have 7-8 women and say "I am not a player"? Man, once I was having casual contacts/dates with 3-4 girls and I was already thinking it was almost "on the border of excess", let alone 7 women.

This can be tricky as it boosts your self-steem but at the same time can make you dependent on this constant and external validation.

 

[Big Eee Zee]

Originally posted by Jariel

What this has made me realise is that I'm restricted more by hurting women than the fear of being rejected

Thats noble of you. I don't know what you should do. Maybe stop kicking so much ass and they won't like you so much. 7 women? Geez...you're definately a dj.

 

[Jariel]

I don't know how some of you guys manage this dating multiple women hassle.

I've cut things off with 3 now. The one was simple. She's an AW who spoke about other guys last time we met. She texted me earlier to see if I've been ignoring her and I told her I'm seeing someone seriously now. She just replied "good for you, see you around maybe".

The second one was a bit p1ssed off last time we spoke and accused me of leading her on. I got an email from her earlier asking if I want to go out next week and I replied telling her it's not fair for me to be dating her as I'm still seeing my ex and want to see if we can work things out. I got a very defensive email back telling me I'm a tw@t for stringing her along and she's been fvcking other guys all this time. I don't believe her and if it's true it doesn't bother me, but it does make me feel bad that we couldn't end amicably.

The third was the worst. She's such a nice girl, has been so into me and has become a great friend, but for reasons I can't even explain myself, I don't feel the LTR chemistry. We did sleep together so I feel like I've used her and that doesn't sit well with me. She has also been messed around by guys and here I am doing the same.

I called her an hour ago, she got really excited to hear from me until I told her we need to talk. She knows my last serious girlfriend was months ago and saying I'm serious about someone else would imply I've been seeing someone behind her back so I went with the "I've got so much going on at the moment and need time to myself" excuse. She said she understood, but I could tell she was about to cry, then she excused herself and left.

This last call has really been hard. I knew she was getting serious, which is why I wanted to end it sooner rather than later, but I feel like crap now.

At one time all I wanted was to have women desperate for me, to have options and basically what I have now, but it's not what I expected at all. I'm going to cool things with the others soon and just going to date one woman at a time from now on.

 

[I'm Joe Dirt]

You have what David DeAngelo calls a High Quality Problem.

I would say decide what you want in your life right now. Do you want to keept his up or among those 7 is there 1 that your particularly like and would like to dwelve deeper into?

 

[BuckwildNYC]

That's the irony of life my friend. People strive so hard for things that they think will make them happy but then they realize that these things aren't as great as they seem and that there are pros and cons to everything.

Look at all these celebrities who are drug abusers and always gettin in trouble. After you are rich and famous and banged every chick you could possibly imagine..... what's left. Or how they spend years and years trying to be famous and then cry like babies when some paparazzi take their pictures.

You thought you wanted to be a player. You thought you wanted 7 girls. Then you realized how expensive and tiring it can be to have all these girls. It can also feel very shallow and unfulfilling.

I've never had 7 girls but I can relate. I feel like you feel when I go from being single to having a girl. When I'm single I can't wait to have some hot chick. But then after a couple of weeks of seeing her the nagging starts......."why do you have to go out with your friends', "why do you have to work the weekends", "when am I gonna meet your family".....blah blah blah..... and I really can't wait to be single again.

Like I said, that's life, and I guess there are worse miseries in this world than having 7 girls

 

[CLOONEY]

I have always said over the last few years, I would rather a girl tell me she wasnt interested, than me have to tell a girl I am not interested in her. It seriously hurts, especially as you get closer to them and realise they are not the one for you. But you did the right thing, ended it sooner than later, and they will calm down over time. Just give them time to move on and like another guy.

In the end, woman do this to men ALL the time, so dont feel bad, it is nature taking its course, and its nobodies fault that you didnt feel the chemistry. It is hard to do, but you have done the hardest part now! Now time to find one you want to keep around, one who is prepared to put in the work also and one where love is mutual. This is the hardest challenge of them all!

 

[Jariel]

I appreciate the mature responses here and that you relate to what I've said. I expected a lot of "all girls are slvts/b1tches" responses and accusations of being a "symp" to be honest.

I guess it's that kind of cynicism/lack of faith that made me date multiple women in the first place - like a safety net to fall back on if one fails.

Being in this position does make me appreciate the difficulty women have breaking up/rejecting guys now and how much worse it is when guys get clingy. And I suspect a lot of rejections happen to save people's feelings before they get too serious.

Anyway, I am more clear about what I want now at least. Thanks again for the responses and advice.

 

[Blue Phoenix]

Originally posted by CLOONEY
In the end, woman do this to men ALL the time, so dont feel bad, it is nature taking its course, and its nobodies fault that you didnt feel the chemistry. It is hard to do, but you have done the hardest part now! Now time to find one you want to keep around, one who is prepared to put in the work also and one where love is mutual. This is the hardest challenge of them all!

That's when we turn the tables on them. Now they can feel how bad it is to be rejected, something that they don't get as much as us, men.

You're right. That's the right attitude.

 

[snintel]

Up your standards and get better looking girls or girls with more attractive personalities. Why are you letting it bother you? Ignore the ones you don't want, and do whatever you want with the others.

 

[Desdinova]

I always found that 4 girls was too much for me. 3 is pushing it, but I found 2 to be a nice number which left me room to have "alone time".

Start at the root. Were these women physically attractive with good personalities when you got their number? Was their something small that turned you off from them in the beginning, but got their number anyway? Start working at being more choosy when you're going for the number. You'll cut out a lot of the bull5hit that way.

 

[mrRuckus]

Originally posted by Jariel
I got a very defensive email back telling me I'm a tw@t for stringing her along and she's been fvcking other guys all this time. I don't believe her and if it's true it doesn't bother me, but it does make me feel bad that we couldn't end amicably.

Why would you even want to end amicably with a girl who has reactions like that?

I really don't get why people put up with other people's crap and seem to shrug it off and reinforce that "your behavior is okay."

Even if you really HAD done something wrong to the girl her reaction of "now i'm gonna hurt you by saying a mean thing in return" is stupid and childish.

--

i can never seem to get beyond 1 or 2 girls at a time because within 2-3 weeks of going out with any girl they're talking exclusivity.