Not relating to women

[randalll]

Hey there I've been thinking about why I've not had much success with the women recently, and it seems to come down to a few things. I wonder if you can relate/share..

First off, I'm on the autistic spectrum, which makes it kind of difficult to be interested in people and conversation. I'm fairly smart, but in a practical sense. It doesn't transfer to social things, and so I often keep to myself, at work, even with friends, because the things we're talking about just seem trivial. It makes getting to know someone quite difficult, and doesn't happen very often.

It's like I can't relate to anyone well enough to get to know them. Even more so with women I might meet. I've not been going out much, and have been spending more time on my own. I've not been laying around with nothing to do though. Kept myself busy and I'm pretty happy most the time. I think that's starting to transmit now actually, and people respond to it. What I am wondering though, is if any of you like me are having difficulty relating, etc, but still have success with women.

What would be ideal is to not be saying much at all yet at the same time be successful in this area. If any off you are doing that, you got my respect.

Randall

 

[Atom Smasher]

Randall, I come from the very same place in terms of being on the autistic spectrum. The good news is that it is highly fixable.

The way I did it was by making small talk with people in my day-to-day activites. It's not that you're actually interested at first. Rather, you're just reaching out in order to punch through the wall that holds you back. Soon you will find that you will actually develop an interest in people.

"Assume a virtue if you have it not."
William Shakespeare

When you go to the store, or anywhere out and about make a point to ask people how they're doing. It doesn't mater one bit whether they're male of female. Your concern is calibrating yourself socially. If it's a busy time in the store, mention how you imagine it must be tough to deal with so many customers, etc. In other words, find a place where you can express that you can relate to their experience and mention it.

You will find that very soon you will develop a real caring for people.

This kind of small-talk work acts as a chemical catalyst which will enable you to plug into society on a more comfortable level. Remember, at first you will only be going through the motions. Later you will genuinely care.

Don't concern yourself with women right now. Concern yourself with people of both genders. Women are attracted to men who can handle themselves in any social situation.

I hope that helps in some way. Tell me, do you have problems recognizing faces outside of that person's normal environment? I'm asking because that is an issue that sometimes occurs with people with mild autism. I still deal with that. I can see someone on the street who I know very well but I have extreme difficulty in being sure that it's them because I am seeing them in an unexpected place. Conversely, I can see someone with similar looks or tendencies to a friend, and think it might be them. The human condition is strange indeed!

 

[randalll]

Thanks for the support, AtomSmasher.

I have the same difficulty recognizing faces, and often have to look a little bit longer to try and work out if it is actually them. I've got high attention to detail and notice little things that might go unnoticed by a lot of people. This is mostly a positive thing but I've noticed that most of the positive sides of autism have an equal drawback on the social side.

I'm starting to look at this in terms of energy, or attention now, and that with autism we're using our energy in different ways, so inevitably there's less available for socializing. Like when I'm with a bunch of friends in the pub or whatever, I'm more aware of what's going on beyond our table than they are, or I'm thinking about or doing something that seems more important, which means I'm not paying much attention to them. Just one example but it seems that whoever I'm with, even if it's a good looking woman, I'm not giving them much attention. This makes me come off pretty cool and detached at times, but it's a recipe for frustration because if I then decide to talk to someone, I don't know how to give them attention, how to connect.

How long ago did you find out you were autistic, and have you found out how to relate and have better relationships with people? I'm only just 24 and was told about it last year, so I'm still getting accustomed to it.

 

[Atom Smasher]

I found out about 15 years ago.

The answer to your question is in my original post to you. Right now it seems impossible to you to change, but by forcing yourself to do day-to-day small talk you will change slowly over time. It tends to get better as you get older, and small-talk is the key to accelerating that.

Also, when you're with someone and your interest starts to waner, decide to give them 30 seconds of deliverate attention and then let your self wander.

Don't let that diagnosis define you. This is an issue that is very fixable over time even though it doesn't seem like it because it seems like a matter of will and a matter of interest. Little baby steps will bring you to victory.

I believe that what we are really doing is protecting ourselves by detaching. Once you get the small talk momentum going you'll find that there is no more need to detach.