Not having any common ground

[randalll]

I've been away from the forum for about a year now, so here's a quick hello before I start my post.

It's been a strange year, and I've learned quite a lot from it. I've got rid of my old AFC ways. I'm more content and have more confidence. But despite this I'm still not great with people, which is the main reason I started reading on sosuave.

I don't know exactly why this is. Sometimes I just think my brain is wired differently to others, and that's what makes it harder to socialize. It does sound like a cop out, but I believe people are born with different cognitive potential, some people have lots, others don't have much. Me, I'm good with numbers and have a brilliant memory, but when it comes to talking and listening to people, and writing, anything that involves words, that takes a lot of effort.


My housemates and their friends (both girls and guys) have very different interests to me. They're into tattoo's, video games, guitars, metal music, etc, and are part of a big scene here in the UK. And seeing as none of these things really interest me it's not easy to hang around with them without conversation becoming forced.

It's a similar story when I meet a girl, or even hanging around with someone I know well. We'll have a conversation for a bit but it soon dries out. Girls will add me on facebook from time to time. I can tell some of them are interested, but I won't chat to them or write on their profiles. I think it's partly because of social anxiety, which isn't as bad as it was, but also because I don't have any common ground with them, and if I do have something in common, there still isn't much connection in most cases. So more often than not I'll stay quiet and do things on my own. I do enjoy that independence, but sometimes I'd like to have a bit more connection with the people around me.

So the point of this is to see whether anyone has advice, or has felt like this themselves.

Cheers for reading.

Randall

 

[wait_out]

This site might have some tips for you if you're not a natural extrovert.

http://www.succeedsocially.com/lesssocial

This point is the most practical one. Less social people often have interests that differ from what most people seem to be into. You're into quiet, solitary, cerebral pursuits. Everyone else seems to like noisy, physical, group activities. When you find yourself in a group, more often than not they're doing something you aren't that good at, and which you don't particularly enjoy. Socializing with regular people obviously becomes less fun.

A solution that I've had a lot of success with is to make an effort to get into some of the things most people enjoy. I don't mean totally changing, that's not possible or something you'd want to do, but just doing little things here and there: giving that video game all your friends play a shot, getting familiar with certain topics, learning to dance, etc.

 

[I'm in the Mood]

I have some of the same exact problems as you randalll.

Socializing used to be hard for me. When I was in Jr. High, I used to be at the very bottom of my social circle. That's the kid who gets picked on and takes it personally, then it starts to get even more intense when people know that it's acceptable to pick on them. Maybe this isn't you, but this led me to withdraw from other people and their interests/personalities.

Me, I'm good with numbers and have a brilliant memory, but when it comes to talking and listening to people, and writing, anything that involves words, that takes a lot of effort.

You sound like a guy who likes the facts of things.

I'm going to point something out that I noticed here - according to you, you have trouble talking, listening and writing. Do you like to read though?

See, there's something that greatly separates introverts from extroverts, and that is the way they THINK. Everybody thinks, but to whether they SPEAK those thoughts or keep them inside their head determines whether society labels them introverted or extroverted.
Everyone is both introverted and extroverted. It's just the preferred style of thought/speech that defines them.

Now I think I know exactly why you don't socialize as much as you'd like to. You're clearly here because YOU WANT to become a more social person, but the truth around why you're here for help is...

You aren't used to socializing!

You don't have the experiences of socializing like other people do, and seeing other people interact "flawlessly" with each other has led you to believe that you can't.

You can!

It's gonna take some practice though. You actually have to PRACTICE. Practice socializing, practice being friendly, practice small talk, in every interaction you have, and you will work your way up to building relationships with people.

Go to this website. I've skimmed it before, and you can sign up for an email newsletter-
http://www.succeedsocially.com/lesssocial

Now there is another component to this social thing that has nothing to do with socializing at all. Fortunately you already know what it is and recognize that you have it - social anxiety.

I'm going to call this shyness, because it's really the same thing.
The solution to shyness is practicing all of the things you claim you're not good at and takes a lot of effort, mainly talking and listening.

Effort, in this case, is your level of motivation/desire/involvement in the interaction you're having. And furthermore, it only SEEMS hard because you THINK it is.

Talking and listening is not hard. You're just not used to it, so you have to exert effort to fight against the stress and anxiety of being in a social situation.
If you practice talking and listening enough, you will find yourself automatically adapting to the situation and enjoying the conversation you're having.

Here's a tip, and make sure to remember this: If you're getting tired of talking to someone, let them take the lead of the conversation. If you're getting tired of listening to someone, start talking and take the lead of the conversation yourself.
You can feel free to redirect the conversation if you really don't like the topic and have absolutely nothing to say about it.

Once you practice interacting with people enough, your anxiety will magically disappear! But what is "enough?" Well, you'll have to find that out on your own and get started.

You're going for a skill here: to awaken your inner extrovert.

You do have to spend time talking and listening in situations where you feel uncomfortable, but the point is to not abandon all hope when you think you have trouble socializing.
Being social is a skill. If you want to be social, work on that skill. Hey, ask women you know for help. Women are MASTERS at the art of socialization. Tell them to help you practice socializing.

You'll develop a connection with a woman just by asking her to help you learn to socialize more!

Well...it seems like I've written another "essay-post" so I'm going to have to end it here. Hope this helped.