Not Getting Much In Return

[elcoyote]

I have a girlfriend issue, big time, and I'm trying to figure out what to do and how to proceed with my life.

We've been together for almost six years. She has two kids, from two seperate marriages. The first one fell apart almost immediately and she was left alone to raise her kid. I kind of made the second one fall apart. She was abused physically by her ex.

We hit it off in every way, but one problem has been standing in the way and here's where I need your input and insight based on your experience.

She moved in with debt, but she still owned half the house she had moved out of. The loans for the house were under her name because the ex lost his job, stopped working, and started drinking.

I helped her out a lot, meaning I actually helped her pay her debt, restructure the loans, and at one point I even got myself in trouble.

Financially things got so difficult that I lost my savings, my car, and got myself into debt. Stupid you say? Well, not entirely. You see, there was a court case and she was supposed to get money for her part of the house. Problem is, that took six years. Court case is over, but the court gave her ex an additional six months to save up to pay her. He won't pay anyway, I know it.

Anyway, I basically decided to leave the country and move. I wanted to fix our finances and star things over. Things did not turn out as I'd expected. Anyway, I do work now and I send her money every week, more than a third of my salary.

Things were good relationship wise, sex has been good, but one thing just bothers me and I'm starting to see it a lot more now. She really does nothing for me.

Once I needed her to send me a CD. I knew she had very little money, but she didn't even try.

Next thing I wanted was for her to send me some clothes and other personal belongings. I now know that unless I push, she'll never send it. I just went out and bought what I needed myself. The reason is that I only took a carry-on with me when I left so I really didn't have much stuff.

I wanted us to meet, so a couple of months ago I bought her and her daughter plane tickets to come and visit me. She did bring me a sweater and a pair of pants, I admit.

Now, the job I have is pretty low-end. I'm working towards getting a better job, but it always seems like it's ME that has to do something to improve the situation. I do love her, but I am frankly getting sick of it. I feel like her monkey wrench. Kids aren't pulling their weight either and she's just too lenient with them.

I have really sacrificed a lot. I don't even talk to my parents anymore because they've said some really nasty things about her. In fact, I don't talk to most of my family now.

Now there are a couple of things that bother me.

1. There was a point when after I'd left and had trouble with finding work and then the job I found was horrible and I quit. I told her I might have to comeback and that it would be difficult but at least we'd be together. She started saying she was going to kill herself, seriously.

2. Today I was just talking to her and she wanted to tell me something and she said, "Oh, recently I was talking to this guy and...." She's pretty open about everything and it would be stupid of her to cheat on me, but suddenly it turned out the guy is a boyfriend she'd had when she was 17 and the story was not from recently but from the time when she was 17. I asked her if she has him on FB and she said yes. The more questions I asked, the more pissed off she got at me.

But you see, the problem I have is that I am fully aware that both of her "good" friends have cheated on their husbands/boyfriends at some point.

As I said though, it's not even that. It's just when I was talking to her recently and asked her about vacation plans it seems like I will have to do all the planning (and obviously paying). The vacation would be nothing fancy, I'd just get a week off of work to go and visit her.

Generally the relationship is fine, but honestly I feel like I am being used.

My best friend told me that I should just stop sending money and see what happens then. I mean, she would tell me over the phone to ask my employer for a raise.

I would, but my employer is awesome, and I know that he's not even breaking even at this moment so it would just be wrong for me to ask for more. He's pretty generous as it is.

I really need your insight on this guys, please help.

 

[jurry]

You're trolling, right?

 

[expos]

We've been together for almost six years. She has two kids, from two seperate marriages.

Trainwreck.

I kind of made the second one fall apart.

Karma.

She was abused physically by her ex.

Don't believe her. These chicks are always the "victim".

We hit it off in every way, but one problem has been standing in the way and here's where I need your input and insight based on your experience.

She moved in with debt, but she still owned half the house she had moved out of. The loans for the house were under her name because the ex lost his job, stopped working, and started drinking.

I helped her out a lot, meaning I actually helped her pay her debt, restructure the loans, and at one point I even got myself in trouble.

Financially things got so difficult that I lost my savings, my car, and got myself into debt. Stupid you say? Well, not entirely. You see, there was a court case and she was supposed to get money for her part of the house. Problem is, that took six years. Court case is over, but the court gave her ex an additional six months to save up to pay her. He won't pay anyway, I know it.

Anyway, I basically decided to leave the country and move. I wanted to fix our finances and star things over. Things did not turn out as I'd expected. Anyway, I do work now and I send her money every week, more than a third of my salary.

Things were good relationship wise, sex has been good, but one thing just bothers me and I'm starting to see it a lot more now. She really does nothing for me.

Once I needed her to send me a CD. I knew she had very little money, but she didn't even try.

Next thing I wanted was for her to send me some clothes and other personal belongings. I now know that unless I push, she'll never send it. I just went out and bought what I needed myself. The reason is that I only took a carry-on with me when I left so I really didn't have much stuff.

I wanted us to meet, so a couple of months ago I bought her and her daughter plane tickets to come and visit me. She did bring me a sweater and a pair of pants, I admit.

Now, the job I have is pretty low-end. I'm working towards getting a better job, but it always seems like it's ME that has to do something to improve the situation. I do love her, but I am frankly getting sick of it. I feel like her monkey wrench. Kids aren't pulling their weight either and she's just too lenient with them.

I have really sacrificed a lot. I don't even talk to my parents anymore because they've said some really nasty things about her. In fact, I don't talk to most of my family now.

Now there are a couple of things that bother me.

1. There was a point when after I'd left and had trouble with finding work and then the job I found was horrible and I quit. I told her I might have to comeback and that it would be difficult but at least we'd be together. She started saying she was going to kill herself, seriously.

2. Today I was just talking to her and she wanted to tell me something and she said, "Oh, recently I was talking to this guy and...." She's pretty open about everything and it would be stupid of her to cheat on me, but suddenly it turned out the guy is a boyfriend she'd had when she was 17 and the story was not from recently but from the time when she was 17. I asked her if she has him on FB and she said yes. The more questions I asked, the more pissed off she got at me.

But you see, the problem I have is that I am fully aware that both of her "good" friends have cheated on their husbands/boyfriends at some point.

As I said though, it's not even that. It's just when I was talking to her recently and asked her about vacation plans it seems like I will have to do all the planning (and obviously paying). The vacation would be nothing fancy, I'd just get a week off of work to go and visit her.

Generally the relationship is fine, but honestly I feel like I am being used.

My best friend told me that I should just stop sending money and see what happens then. I mean, she would tell me over the phone to ask my employer for a raise.

I would, but my employer is awesome, and I know that he's not even breaking even at this moment so it would just be wrong for me to ask for more. He's pretty generous as it is.

I really need your insight on this guys, please help.

This cannot be real. This has got to be a troll, but good god man, re-read this again and ask yourself if this sounds at all like a desirable situation for you to be in. GET OUT NOW. If you knock this woman up, your life is OVER.


Millions of women out there, and you go with this one? WTF. This is so incredibly desperate and BETA.

Please find someone new. NOW. Don't waste a single second or another dollar on a woman who subjects you to this much misery.

Tomorrow you will never contact this woman again. You will comeback a week from now and you will tell us you broke all contact. Got it? This woman is done and does not deserve to be involved in your life. Let her baby daddies foot the bill from here on out.

 

[LiveFreeX]

I really need your insight on this guys, please help.

You are an idiot and destined for a life of FAIL if you continue down your current path. People must be held accountable for their actions and you sir are no different. THIS is why I can't feel sorry for poor people, they are their own worst enemy.

We've been together for almost six years. She has two kids, from two seperate marriages. The first one fell apart almost immediately and she was left alone to raise her kid. I kind of made the second one fall apart. She was abused physically by her ex.

Probably for a good reason!

GTFO!!!!!!!!!! Holy sh1t, go out for milk in the middle of the night and call her from Mexico.

 

[jurry]

"THIS is why I can't feel sorry for poor people, they are their own worst enemy."

Right, because they chose to be born in the middle of a sh*thole with no options and no one that cares about them? You can't be serious.

 

[j.619]

Not only are you NOT getting anything in return, this leech is setting you back tenfold. There's no salvaging this situation. Run for the hills....

I do still believe... trololol

 

[El Payaso]

Poor troll attempt. 1/10.

 

[elcoyote]

No, not a troll attempt. This is real.

Anyway, thank you all for the replies. I do appreciate them, feels like at least there's someone out there to listen.

Now everyone's telling me to run for the hills and not to feel sorry for poor people and so on. Let's just go a bit deeper into the story so you can get a full picture.

1. She was abused. There's no good reason for that. Her ex was convicted. It didn't just happen once. She was in really bad shape and got no help from anyone.

2. She works full time, she's generally a good mom, but as I said way too lenient. I think she wants to make up for what her kids went through and didn't have and doesn't want them turning against her. In fact, she doubled her salary since she'd met me. Problem is, it's only enough to cover rent.

3.Getting repaid. She would repay me, I just think it will be a very long time, if ever, that she does in fact get paid.

4. I earn very little at the moment. In fact I earn less than I did when I was back home, only thing is my costs of living are lower.

5. I had been the breadwinner earlier, and after I'd left things just went really downhill for her. She was just unable to afford basic necessities. She's not a big spender, never has been.

6. She was the one that moved out of HER house to get away from her ex. She left 95% of her belongings and equipment (which she had paid for with the loans) behind and moved to my house. She only left with a suitcase of clothes.

So, if her ex had paid his share a long time ago or settled with her somehow, everything would have been fine. Now it's going to come down to getting the house aucitioned off most likely.


On the other hand, I do admit I feel as if I have had to do all the work that actually matters. But she was in a very bad situation to begin with. I had no idea six years ago that the court case would take so long and that she wouldn't get a penny all this time. The lawyer said two years tops. Had I known, I wouldn't have made some of the financial decisions I'd made.

LiveFree, has this changed your point of view in any way?

 

[TheSlasher]

Tell us the good side of your relationship.

 

[elcoyote]

Tell us the good side of your relationship.

1. She listens and she's there when I need to talk to her.
2. We enjoy each other's company. We always spent a lot of time together. We would go for walks, go to the gym, cook together.
3. We talk. We've always talked a lot, about everything and anything.
4. She's made me tougher.
5. Sex is as good as it ever was. Well, now that we're apart it's not really possible, but you get the picture.
6. She never forgets about my birthday, and reminds the kids about it as well. If she has money, she gets me a present.
7. She trusts me when it comes to other women. I know she gets a bit jealous, but she won't start interrogating me (like I do with her).
8. She tells me that I am the only man she sees in her world.
9. She compliments me on my looks and tells me she loves me.
10. She's cried a lot since I left. She tells me she can't sleep without me. It's been almost 8 months now and two months since we last saw each other. She was angry over the fact that we couldn't see each other over Easter and pushed me to go visit. Financially though, I just couldn't do it.

At the end of the day, it's money that's spoiling everything.

 

[Tomo]

Sorry my friend, all I read is a guy whose over committed over a period of time and and is now making excuses to stay in the situation he is in even though it is hell and he can do better. Heck, your OWN life is not even sorted. Cut ties and don't even contact her - change your number. She will not follow through with what ever desperate attempt she will to try reel you back in. Most importantly get back in touch with your family and try to mend things and see if they will help. Blood is thicker than water - you don't destroy your relationship with those whom raised you over a HB.

 

[TheSlasher]

Now, enumerate the bad things in this relationship.

 

[expos]

The mere fact you are here and posting this stuff shows that you are hurt and are upset with what she has done to you.

To me, a few scraps of good does not make up for the hours of mental anguish this woman is subjecting you to.

You are being a white knight, beta, afc, everything you really don't want to be. Fortunately you came to the right place for help. I came here for the same reasons. I was being abused in my relationship, was in love, and was doing everything wrong.

We are here to help you, and there is not a single person here who thinks you should stick around with this woman.

Look, everyone woman has problems. But if shes NPD, BPD, a gold-digger, a user, a victim, these are just dealbreakers for a healthy relationship. I really don't think you are going to find happiness with this woman.

You can get all of the happiness you listed with her with another woman. I was in your shoes and tried to look past all the crap my ex did to me, and eventually I had enough and walked away. It hurt like nothing else, but 18 months later I found someone who makes me feel good about myself, my life, and gives me the emotional support I lacked for many years.

This can happen to you if decide to leave, so do it.

 

[Bible_Belt]

I had no idea six years ago that the court case would take so long and that she wouldn't get a penny all this time. The lawyer said two years tops.

Wow, a lawyer lied to you? I don't what this world is coming to. Before you know it, even women will be telling lies.

Why does she work at a job that does not support her? It sounds like she would be better off on welfare. She'd get food, housing, and healthcare, which is what she's working to pay for now. Then she could move to be near you. If she doesn't want to make sacrifices for you, then you and her are not on the same level of commitment to this relationship, because obviously you are making sacrifices for her sake.

 

[Dgwizdal]

Sounds like a post that Playher_Man would rip you a new one on.

Stop doing things for your woman and start asking yourself what she is doing to keep you around and you'll have your answer.

 

[Mr Wright]

Put it this way, you've convinced me that low quality women and long term relationships take more than your time. You've lost some of your money man, that's yours. I know everyone gets into a relationship and has the whole "what's mine is your thing" going on but that's BS. If you're getting used, it's not going to get better because as soon as you withdraw the support/money/whatever she's getting out of it, she's going to either think you don't care and cheat on you(because she feels disconnected) and eventually up and leave you for someone who can give her what she wants.

Never gamble more than you can afford to lose, this is your life and it's not your fault her life is crappy. If I were you, I'd count my losses and move on, have a fresh start from this toxic situation. Grab your balls and do the right thing.

 

[foreverAFC]

what a sucker

 

[foreverAFC]

jumping off a cliff is the best advice i can possibly give you

 

[bigwuz]

I swear this all sounds like me but you sound much better. I get with people that need saving then I cheat then I try to be nicer and become bitter. Yes she's using you but she wouldn't admit it. Case in point I gave my recent ex sister 300 for her sister car. Will I ever see that money again he'll no. Don't be bitter either leave or stay. I get tired of the games we all play so I let them leave

 

[elcoyote]

Bible_Belt:

The lawyer did not lie. I spoke with a lot of other people about these kinds of cases and most of them told me not to worry. Six months to a year, they said.

Welfare is not an option where she lives. Costs of living are high relative to wages. They don't provide food, housing, or anything else. You either make money or have your family help you. She gets no support from her family.

Could she move to be near me? Yes, she could. It is a different country though and she'd need the court's permission to take her kid with her. The other one is already an adult, has a job, and will probably stay behind.

bigwuz:

Money for your sister's car? My girlfriend spent 1/3 of what I sent her last week on medicine, 1/3 on a doctor's visit. This week she bought her daughter a pair of shoes because the other ones were falling apart.

TheSlasher:

Bad things in the relationship:

1. As I said, I thought she could do more, be more proactive. Be braver, stand up, push and work towards solutions herself. Instead she just waits around and hopes that the world will be fair. Well, it's not fair. Her ex showed one temporary work contract during the settlement case. She had pretty much worked throughout the whole marriage except for maternity leave. The court thought that he also put in his share of work and said that in fact, she didn't have to move out. The mere fact that she called the cops for help one month before she came in to move with me and that he had been convicted before means nothing.

To show you the difference - where I am now, my cousin had a very similar situation. Her boyfriend was abusing her. She would get housing for herself and her baby in no time.

On the other hand, keep this in mind. After I'd left, I didn't send her a constant stream of money for about 5 months. I think I sent some once before Christmas, right after I got a job. I told her to just stop paying the loans, and she did.

Like I said, there is no welfare that would support her or her kids where she is. She doesn't have a car, she takes the bus to work. She doesn't smoke and doesn't drink and doesn't go out.

I send her money, and I CAN save money. Her entire salary is pretty much equal to the apartment + utility bills. She gets child support, and that covers the cost of food.

Now, if I were in her situation I'd try to move to an even smaller one, but she did tell me that she might have a chance to move because a friend of friend has just bought an apartment and she might get a better deal.